Aibu to think is just luck or your parenting that makes your child behave ?

[havinganothertry]

I spent a day last weekend at a picnic with a big group of NCT friends and their partners/ husbands. All our kids are 3 ish now and some have littler ones too. All the kids played nicely ( around 20 kids) apart from two. These two have perfectly lovely parents, who did try to correct their behaviour to no avail. Is it a consistency or wording thing, as in maybe they don't correct them at home? These two children were shouty, grabby, rough and one kept taking other kids food or toys by snatching it away from them aggressively.

Now my DS is a bit of a wall flower these days, he's pretty shy. However he has not been prefect as around 1 yrs he went through a hitting phase. I had to follow him around all the time to stop him before he lashed out and tell him no instead of getting to chat with the other mums

So aibu to think these parents weren't parenting enough or was it just luck for the rest of us ? My DS doesn't get threats like no more tv if you do x at the moment, so I see 3 is a tricky age. However most of the kids would be in some sort of preschool so surely used to being around other and this bad behaviour from a few isn't allowed there ?

Honestly, it’s just bloody luck. I had an amazing well behaved baby. Not one bit of it was my work

I think that's unfair to those who've had 'bad luck' and had a child who isn't always well behaved and worked bloody hard to parent them effectively and shape their behaviour.

Maybe part of the issue is that we look to judge children at such a young age before the end result of our parenting is really truly visible?

This too!! My mum will admit I was a crazy child, but I was a very quiet teenager. As an adult I have been quite successful and normal I would say! So maybe we should wait to see the end results, and not judge each others parenting on one hours worth of our 3 yr olds behaviour??

You can’t generalise.

Some kids don’t stand a chance, with parents who haven’t a clue or are seriously inadequate.

Some have difficulty regulating their impulses , energy and emotions, and different children mature at different rates and learn these things later.

Mostly it is probably a mix.

You can ask the same questions about every aspect of a 3 year old: confidence, sociability , sleep, eating , vocabulary, clinginess, whinginess.

Are you responsible for the less easy / attractive characteristics of your child, whatever they may be?

Judginess is never helpful or kind.
Smugness never attractive.

My son aged 3 had a hearing impairment, and little to no speech. These things affected his behaviour. I had a newborn baby. This affected his behaviour. He had an older brother. So many factors affect children’s behaviour, personality and responses to things.
Parenting is incredibly important, obviously, but it is never 100% of the story. My son had very challenging behaviour aged 3. By the time he was 5 he was a little angel and the easiest overall out of my 4 children! He is now 11 and a complete joy.

Both. At 3, lots and lots of kids are very impulsive and don't remember about consequences until after the event. So even the best parenting may not work. Alternatively, a child who is naturally calm and not a risk taker may behave well even with terrible parenting because they don't push boundaries.

not judge each others parenting on one hours worth of our 3 yr olds behaviour

I don't judge others parenting based on their child's behaviour, I judge their parenting based on - their actual parenting.

I just won't let my kids go around being rough with other kids. That's not to say that they haven't done it. That's to say that I don't let them continue to do it.

Are you responsible for the less easy / attractive characteristics of your child, whatever they may be?

Well yeah, obviously.

Parenting.

1 in 4 children have moderate special educational needs in primary school. This includes anxiety, asd, adhd, add, gdd. Think about that when you're in a group.

It isn’t luck, it takes consistent fair parenting. It’s doing the parents of children who do respond to boundaries a disservice by saying its luck. I teach my daughter how to behave, she doesn’t guess right from wrong...

This thread is overflowing with people who are bizarrely convinced of their own parenting brilliance, when they have no idea how they’d manage parenting a different child, or how their child would be if parented by someone else.

I think luck plays a part. My experience - dd1 absolute angel. Perfect behaviour. Barely a moment's stress during her whole childhood. Never had a tantrum, not one. How smug was I. 18 years later I have twin dds. Both are far more cheeky and push boundaries, and one has the most epic tantrums, the other more chilled, but pretty wilful in her own stubborn way. Though I feel I have handled them exactly the same. Safe to say, I'm no longer smug!

This thread is overflowing with people who are bizarrely convinced of their own parenting brilliance, when they have no idea how they’d manage parenting a different child

I'm sure most people commenting have more than one DC.....?

Neolara i think you are correct

To reiterate - it's a combo of luck and parenting.

To deny parenting has any influence is to be completely disingenuous.

Bit of both . My children are very different from each other in many ways, but at 2 and nearly 4 I can see how they would rings round some ways of parenting (and do, with their father....)

I'd say a combination of both, in the same way sleeping through the night, speech, potty training, fussiness, bed wetting are a lot down to luck despite some parents congraulating themselves on their amazing skills

On the top of personality and parenting, I would add the circumstances at home.
If everything is tense (eg close to divorce), there has been some big upheaval (death or illness of a grandparent), some MH with either parent etc..., this might well also reflect in the way the child is behaving. Regardless of how good the parenting is.

Having one child with probable ASD and ADHD and one who isn't I don't believe it is all about parenting at all.... and there is a huge lack of sympathy for parents who have challenging children. Until you have walked in someone else's shoes etc. etc.

It’s mostly personality. People that say it’s parenting didn’t get a difficult one.
My first one Is completely hyper, spirited boisterous etc Literally spent my life trying to regain him in. Would never comply with time out ( the other would), never walked beside me, always ran ahead despite training with rains, wrist bands etc, the other just stands next the the car when I get them out ( can never get over how much easier it is with the second on a car park/in a changing room). Always took him away if he misbehaved, always the first to jump on him and tell him off in group situations.
My second just does as they are told most of the time, potters about , never hurts anyone.I really haven’t had to do anything differently.

@Skinnychip, the only I disagree with you is bedwetting. You can’t control hormones with parenting.

My dcs are now 15 and 12. What I tbink is interesting is that what is percieved as "good" or desirable changes as the children grow up. Basically most people find quiet, passive and biddible babies and toddlers "good" or "easy". Being laid back and sleeping long hours is desirable. Fast forward 10 years and these same personality traits are labbled as being "lazy", lacking in ambition and not sufficiently independant. Suddenly the "nightmare" 3 year olds who grabbed, hit and bit are the 13year olds studying hard, persisting and achieving in sports teams. The "bolter" is confident on public transport, while the more cautious child who sat happily playing with a toy at 2 is less adventurous and doesnt want to try new things.

Interestingly bodicea my angel dd1 was born into a failing relationship but my wilful twins have a much better set up- stable , happy ( mostly!) Parents who are together etc. I now realise I just got lucky with my pfb!

sorry that post was full of typos i hope you all get the gist...

Sorry that was directed at myriade, I've had a much needed wine now said twins are finally a sleep!!

Definitely a combination, and having a naturally spirited / "difficult" child makes it MUCH harder to be more consistent - even though it's more important to do so. DC1 is naturally more compliant and a people pleaser. DC2 has been violent and had awful meltdowns and outbursts. He was highly strung and very sensitive literally from birth.