Aibu to think is just luck or your parenting that makes your child behave ?

[havinganothertry]

I spent a day last weekend at a picnic with a big group of NCT friends and their partners/ husbands. All our kids are 3 ish now and some have littler ones too. All the kids played nicely ( around 20 kids) apart from two. These two have perfectly lovely parents, who did try to correct their behaviour to no avail. Is it a consistency or wording thing, as in maybe they don't correct them at home? These two children were shouty, grabby, rough and one kept taking other kids food or toys by snatching it away from them aggressively.

Now my DS is a bit of a wall flower these days, he's pretty shy. However he has not been prefect as around 1 yrs he went through a hitting phase. I had to follow him around all the time to stop him before he lashed out and tell him no instead of getting to chat with the other mums

So aibu to think these parents weren't parenting enough or was it just luck for the rest of us ? My DS doesn't get threats like no more tv if you do x at the moment, so I see 3 is a tricky age. However most of the kids would be in some sort of preschool so surely used to being around other and this bad behaviour from a few isn't allowed there ?

Parenting

An excellent hand will likely always be good, even if played badly.

Do you really believe this? A child is born good and with the ability to share and take turns etc. Are you kidding?

It's a combination. I have one neurotypical and one asd kid, anon verbal 3.5 year old is hard work, they are so frustrated at their lack of communication. Some kids are super chilled but my dr told me to always be concerned about a toddler who doesn't push boundaries because it means not a lot in going on between the ears. Mine are grown and both pretty bright, perhaps my dr was right

Yes I do really believe that. Off course it’s true, some folk are just born lucky, with excellent physical health, easy happy go lucky personalities, intellect, neurotypical. Doesn’t mean they won’t face challenges, but they will likely get through them because they were dealt a good hand.

@gingerginger2

So you think some children are born with such intellect or charm that their parents don’t need to do much?

I think some parents are so good at it, it looks as though they aren’t doing much. Not taking about myself btw.

Some children yes definately. Not all. But some.

And conversely some children are born with really difficult hands that even the best parenting can only minimise.

I also agree that some people will make good parenting look easy. But they probably have average to good children.

Anyway there’ll be infinite variables.

But the majority are probably average and are parented in an average way.

I just find it such a cop out. 'Oh, my kid's harder work than yours'.
'No, your tendency to do nothing to prevent or intervene is higher than mine'

Wow. Are there really people like you out there? Wow.

Yes they are like the equivalent of someone who has an entirely natural birth with no pain relief thinking it was all down to how relaxed and prepared they were. Rather than the fact that they probably were just dealt a good hand and played it well. But even if they’d played it less well, it would have been ok anyway.

I also agree that some people will make good parenting look easy. But they probably have average to good children.

You say chicken, I say egg.

I’m actually saying chicken and egg!

Chicken AND egg in infinite variable proportions making it very difficult to generalise, but the probability probably is that most folk have an average dose of both .

@sinkgirl

Have you ever been to a soft play? Or read a thread about one? Nobody ever says “oh the poor tea drinking, chatting parents on their phones who’s kids are pushing all the little ones over - that’s the hand they were dealt”

Probably the average hand they were dealt, which they are playing badly

3 is too young to tell I think.

I’m another 4 boy mother and there’s a bit of both involved. I think parenting seems to have a more noticeable effect as they get older.

It is parenting. To an extent. Children who are quiet or shy are naturally so, children who are impulsive and hot tempered or loud are naturally so. No child knows how to take turns, to share, to modify their volume, to be gentle with each other. You teach them that, by showing them how. And reminding them. And telling them off too. If they have tantrums or are rough with others you remove them from the group!
I have three and they are all school age. Two of them were pretty easy going toddlers but one was very very spirited and hard to handle. I worked hard to parent her properly without squashing her, she was very naughty though! She is a lovely child now (she is 9) but she needed a lot of handling . but then I have quite high standards when it comes to behavior. Others might think me too strict.

I’m actually saying chicken and egg!

Your not though, you said that people who are good at parenting also probably have average to good children.

You imply that it’s having the good or even average children that allows them to be good parents. (Chicken)

I’m saying the children are good because their parenting is good. (Egg)

I think parenting but...at that age some children are quite easy and their parents are yet to be tested enforcing routine, boundaries etc. Others are more challenging and as long as their parents are responding appropriately then that is just where they are developmentally. Children have very different personalities (as we all do) and are dependent on adults to learn social norms. DD is very wilful but was a dream at that age and was easy to set back on course, the challanges came later. It is hard as a parent to be constantly judged, particularly with social media posts in which everyone has the perfect child!

It's both, my dd is now 13yo and at age 8yo we found out she has sensory processing difficulties, we're now considering she may also be on the ASD spectrum.

At age 3yo I was clueless as to why dd seemed to struggle so much and I'm sure lots of people judged me.

She was never ' naughty' or aggressive towards other kids but she did tantrum and cry a lot.

None of the normal boundaries or consequences made a jot of difference for dd.

Probably the average hand they were dealt, which they are playing badly

So the thing that determines which kids push the others over at soft play is the way the parents play it? Then we agree.

I used to think nurture was a bigger factor than nature until I had two dd’s. My eldest is quiet, laid back and generally no hassle and really well behaved. My youngest, brought up in the same way, is an absolute terror! Completely uncontrollable... nature / nurture pft

I’ve got 2 DS. Both early teens. One has always been relaxed and calm and the other very angry. Treated them the same.

I'm surprised this question is being asked!
Obviously it is a combination of factors.

Catinthetwat, i must not be explaining myself well. I’ll try again!

It is A COMBINATION of the hand you’re dealt and the way you play it!

With many combinations possible!

So yes! Sometimes it’s crap parenting! and yes with a slightly above or below average hand this’ll make a difficult child.

(But then you could have crap parenting on an excellent hand, that’ll likely still end up ok.)

But then it could be that you’re looking at good (maybe even excellent ) parenting when the child has been dealt a difficult hand, and the results are likely to be always difficult.

But in the majority of cases I suspect average hands are dealt to either slightly better of worse than average parents.

Whether the fabled «so good at at that they appear not to try» parent that you are thinking about has been dealt an easy or difficult child to parent is maybe the difference between whether you notice their parenting or not? Which is why I suspected the former. But i’m Not saying for definite , there will Ofcourse be many many variations!

( is there a mathematician in the house?)

Ginger,

What I see though, is a group of 2-3 year olds all struggling with sharing, being kind etc. And a group of parents responding very differently to it. The ones who respond well get a better result, especially in the medium to long term.

I pay attention because I’m not one of the ‘good ones’ and I try and learn something and sometimes I actually do and it’s great. You have to be prepared to admit though, that sometimes you’re not getting it right.

Catinthetwat

Maybe then you and your friends are part of the majority i’ve mentioned I suspect of average kids being parented slightly better and slightly worse than average?