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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to think is just luck or your parenting that makes your child behave ?

329 replies

havinganothertry · 18/07/2019 15:57

I spent a day last weekend at a picnic with a big group of NCT friends and their partners/ husbands. All our kids are 3 ish now and some have littler ones too. All the kids played nicely ( around 20 kids) apart from two. These two have perfectly lovely parents, who did try to correct their behaviour to no avail. Is it a consistency or wording thing, as in maybe they don't correct them at home? These two children were shouty, grabby, rough and one kept taking other kids food or toys by snatching it away from them aggressively.

Now my DS is a bit of a wall flower these days, he's pretty shy. However he has not been prefect as around 1 yrs he went through a hitting phase. I had to follow him around all the time to stop him before he lashed out and tell him no instead of getting to chat with the other mums Blush

So aibu to think these parents weren't parenting enough or was it just luck for the rest of us ? My DS doesn't get threats like no more tv if you do x at the moment, so I see 3 is a tricky age. However most of the kids would be in some sort of preschool so surely used to being around other and this bad behaviour from a few isn't allowed there ?

OP posts:
BarryBarryTaylor · 18/07/2019 19:14

Listening to children is a really interesting point molly
Every child responds differently to boundaries and it’s about finding what works for that child, and sticking to it. Not making wild threats that you are never going to see through and trying to understand why they are behaving that way.

OooErMissus · 18/07/2019 19:17

It's both - parenting and personality.

It is interesting to note that the most annoying kids in my wider social circle have ineffectual (I honestly want to say lazy, but I won't) parents.

And the kids who are a delight to be around, have, without exception, parents who actually parent their kids.

I'm not denying there's an element of personality, and I'm not taking about the kids with diagnosed ASD or whatever. But yeah - there's a very noticeable correlation.

Youngandfree · 18/07/2019 19:21

Every child responds differently to boundaries and it’s about finding what works for that child, and sticking to it. Not making wild threats that you are never going to see through and trying to understand why they are behaving that way

THIS!! I could tell my ds all sorts and he would not flinch but if I meet him eye to eye and cuddle him he is more compliant...but it’s hard to do that when you are tired and drained and upset with them 😭

thecatinthetwat · 18/07/2019 19:21

I don't understand it when people say they treat all their children the same. I only have two, but they've been treated very differently.

When I just had one child, things were so different. I've never really had a chance to parent the second one, outside of parenting two children at once, which is very different.

Also, I'd changed by the time I had the second one.

SadOtter · 18/07/2019 19:22

I think its a bit parenting and a bit personality.

I work in a school and have had naughty children whose parents are genuinely really trying and I have had little angels whose parents couldn't care less about them. I've had siblings where one is an angel and another is a real handful.

mbosnz · 18/07/2019 19:23

It's also about recognising the dynamics of the parent's personality and the child's personality. And sometimes, the time of the month. . .

Confusedandworried321 · 18/07/2019 19:24

These kind of threads make me angry and sad.

My DS is 3.6, and always had great reports from his private nursery, the staff loved him. He was an angel child, so well behaved and easy going. I was lucky.

When he reached about 2.6 he started being more difficult, and he's been misbehaving at play group since turning 3. He may have AN, he may well not. He's generally good at home, because of my parenting. But I'm not there to parent him at playgroup, so it's not my fault if he doesn't behave. But I'm sure some posters on here will think it is.

Mrsfrumble · 18/07/2019 19:24

If DD was my only child I’d probably be in the smug “definitely parenting” camp. Fortunately I already had DS to teach me some humility...

He was utterly wretched at 3. Not violent, but always bolting, never listening, throwing epic tantrums. He gave not a single shiny shit for consequences. I was always doing the “walk of shame” out of cafes, libraries, toddler groups; trying to push DD in the buggy with DS, thrashing and screaming like a banshee, under one arm. He wasn’t diagnosed with ASD and ADHD until he was 8. I spent many years being so confused as to how DD managed to be so sweet and biddable when I was clearly such a terrible parent. DS is lovely now. He’s fab at school, has beautiful manners and his teachers adore him. But it was really, really hard work.

With regard to the OP I really wouldn’t be too quick to judge either the parents or the children at the age of 3. It’s a tricky age and lots of first-time parents are still figuring an approach which works for their child.

BarryBarryTaylor · 18/07/2019 19:24

Oh it’s so hard youngandfree I’m 37weeks pregnant and if DD is being testing it takes so much energy to deal with the behaviour.
I think the other key thing to remember when dealing with difficult times, is that it’s the behaviour that’s naughty/unwanted, not the child.

urbanlife · 18/07/2019 19:26

Both

Youngandfree · 18/07/2019 19:28

@BarryBarryTaylor yes!! I will always say that to them “dd I love you but I do not love that behaviour” etc it’s a hard time being pregnant too!! Especially when you are so tired!💐💐 but my motto in life is “this too shall pass”

PookieDo · 18/07/2019 19:31

I have 2 completely different. One is highly strung and anxious the other very lazy and laid back. I think there are elements of my parenting but also their dad who is not on the same page as me. Also DD1 has some additional needs that were quite hard to manage when she was 3 so I had a hard time parenting her. Some is personality, some is parenting. DD2 is easy to parent but it sometimes may mean I am too easy on her

FilthyforFirth · 18/07/2019 19:32

I will add that the naughtiest children I know, by far, have pretty poor parents. Lack of boundaries, empty threats, dont like to tell them no etc etc.

SadOtter · 18/07/2019 19:34

Every child responds differently to boundaries and it’s about finding what works for that child, and sticking to it. Not making wild threats that you are never going to see through and trying to understand why they are behaving that way

This, although the best way to get my DD to stop doing something is actually wild threats. If I use normal, reasonable consequences, rewards etc she can be a nightmare, come out with some ridiculously unrealistic threat that she 100% knows I would never do and she says 'sorry mum' and stops whatever it was she was doing wrong, the sillier the threat the better.

notacooldad · 18/07/2019 19:34

Not making wild threats that you are never going to see through
This was one of parenting mistakes when Ds1 was young. I cant remember the exact circumstances but I said something like ' do that one more time and I'll... ' I cant remember what the consequences was its nearly 20 years ago! it was unrealistic and disproportionate.
I couldnt stick to it. That was a lesson for me!! Keep consequences realistic, manageable and appropriate!!

Fluffymullet · 18/07/2019 19:37

Def both personality and parenting. Go back to your nct group in about 5 years when 2nd and 3rd babies are added to the mix and you will get a clearer picture.

The people who say it's all down the parenting generally have the most docile easy going children.

I work with children often having to deal with the child's behaviour and have 2 kids of my own. 1st child- hard work from the start, constantly watching them.and having to correct behaviour, climbing furniture constantly, tantrums, bolting in car parks etc. 2nd child- Angel. I would gave been so smug if I had dc2 2st!

All I'm saying is don't judge too quickly.....

WombatChocolate · 18/07/2019 19:40

Even if luck/genes whatever you want to call it plays a big role, parenting does have an impact too. It is disingenuous to say it has no role. That doesn't mean there is only 1 precise way to parent which results in children turning out well. The can be a number of methods to achieve good outcomes and as some have said they have used different methods with each of their children, because to achieve good outcomes with a more 'spiritied' child might need a very different approach to one who is naturally very compliant. As has been said, what often makes these different methods work within one family is a clear sense of values which underpin it all. Different methods but with some kind of thought out idea and crucially consistent application of it to any one child is vital.

I dont think anyone would argue that inconsistent parenting helps any child. However, you see it all over the place. You see the parent who in public is demanding a certain behaviour from their child, which the child is bewildered by and and doesn't adhere to, because clearly at other times, there isn't the requirement to behave like this - there is inconsistency and what makes it even worse is when parents then get cross and shout at the child, when the child is totally confused by changing expectations.

Surely no one would also think that a lack of follow-through helps children regardless of their personality? Saying that if they do X, then Y will happen, with no intention to do Y and never doing it, just doesn't help any children. But again, it is rife and we will all be guilty of it at certain times - because carrying through involves effort and often sacrifice for ourselves as well as the child, as we too often take an easy route out. So it's not about having loads and loads of rules and threats, but picking which battles are worth the fight and carrying through.

And I agree that when you see families with well behaved, delightful children, although they might have been lucky personalities to start with, there has always been good parental input too. That's not to say that those who are more difficult have had bad parenting. However I don't think children naturally start off knowing about things like sharing and being kind and considering others. Toddlers in particular are often selfish and inconsiderate - it's part of being a toddler, but they can learn to become kind and considerate of others by the time they go to school if parents consistently teach them. Allowing them as toddlers to hit or run around in public places where adults are enjoying a meal or to snatch or speak rudely without being picked up on the behaviours results in school age children who are still selfish and unaware of others, and then teenagers who can be the same. And I guess we all know a few adults who are still a bit like it too.

Some parents clearly have a much harder job. Some children have different needs and challenges or personalities. Some of these cannot be significantly altered by parenting, although even then I believe the values of parents, expressed to their children are understood at least on some level. With most children, parenting makes a significant difference even if it doesn't result in the 'perfect' child whatever that is, and those that say it's totally down to luck, I think abdicate responsibility or fail to realise the real privilege actually that parenting is.

Jinxed2 · 18/07/2019 19:41

I would say a bit of both.

nauseous5000 · 18/07/2019 19:42

I think parenting. How did they react when the kids didn't listen/ respond to instructions. I always remember DD being about 1 and obsessed with yanking my hair out. If she did this I'd say no very firmly and if she continued I'd put her down and refuse to pick her up til she said lollee (sorry) My uncle whose kids were lower primary was horrified at me and kept saying she was only little and shouldn't be told off. I asked him when they stop being little and are old enough to be disciplined. This isn't a "I'm better then my uncle" post but DD is rarely an issue discipline wise anymore and his kids are feral . I do think discipline and consequences make kids feel secure so I will continue on this basis as it's what's right for me and my child

AnybodysDude · 18/07/2019 19:49

Parenting definitely plays a part but such a big chunk of it is personality.

I have nephews who are very well behaved in public, absolute angels. I also know that behind closed doors they can be extremely difficult, just like any other 2 and 3yo.

My DS is 2.5 and can be a right little shit. Days out can be so hard because he doesn't listen. However I have put strategies into place to give him an opportunity to listen and think things through and it works very well, but when we are out in public others intervene and it ruins it. He is also the kindest, sweetest little boy with a heart of gold, who both of his childminders have said is "the easiest kid ever" and a complete delight to be around.

Oh, he's also adopted and has suffered more in the first year of his life than most adults would in a lifetime.

But nice to know so many people would see him misbehaving in public and judge my shitty parenting.

Jojobears · 18/07/2019 19:50

This is so judgey. Honestly, it’s just bloody luck. I had an amazing well behaved baby. Not one bit of it was my work

Bumpitybumper · 18/07/2019 19:51

This thread does make me slightly frustrated as I believe it's pretty obvious that the posters that are so adamant that it's "100% parenting" have never had a difficult child. I have both a relatively easy and relatively difficult child to parent and it is obvious to me that they are fundamentally different characters that have different traits that are hard wired into them. All I can do as a parent is respond to their characters and try to parent them in a way that best suits the people they are.

It is annoying though that some people can put in a lot less effort into parenting and seemingly have a better behaved and more compliant child. Ironically lots of people (as evidenced on this thread) will assume that the worse behaved child is the product of poor parenting when I actually think sometimes that the 'easy" kids can sometimes be subjected to more questionable parenting because they don't demand attention and effort from the parents. Maybe part of the issue is that we look to judge children at such a young age before the end result of our parenting is really truly visible?

Bookworm4 · 18/07/2019 19:51

Would you post this if your little angel was running about lashing out still? Stop being the perfect judgy mum 🙄

itsabongthing · 18/07/2019 19:56

I think there are lots of factors - good parenting is definitely one and luck is definitely another! Position isn’t the family is one too!
My third child is pretty badly behaved and I have parented her the same as the others!

thecatinthetwat · 18/07/2019 19:57

I believe it's pretty obvious that the posters that are so adamant that it's "100% parenting" have never had a difficult child.

Or they just accept the reality, that parenting is hard are we all get it wrong at times. You can believe it's "100% parenting" and not be an A* parent, just willing to take responsibility.

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