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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or am I being too mercenary

112 replies

Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 21:57

If my partner lacks ambition in career, cannot afford a night out and lives from hand to mouth but does nothing to progress her circumstances . I see that I may sound calculated but I cannot afford to support my partner now or in the future and I don’t know what to do. She wants us to live together but I have tenants who help me to pay my mortgage. I can’t afford to pay it myself and she has literally pounds left over every Friday . She will not upskill, hates her work,moans about having no money but wants a future together . I earn well and enjoy a good life but could not financially support her going forward. Feel like a twat but I can’t see a way out . I hope I do not come across as being uncaring because I really do like her . I have many holidays and trips planned but she can not afford to do any type of trip or adventure .

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 16/07/2019 23:45

Her living with you has to be special enough that the huge change in lifestyle isn't a big issue. That clearly isn't the case and that's ok.

Sounds like she's got through so far moving between relationships with rich men who want to look after her and pay for everything. Fair enough for both of them. That clearly isn't what you are looking for and it doesn't work for you.

Choice 1: if you're at the point of having the chat about living together, marriage etc. then point out the minimum she would need to contribute if she moved into yours. Make it clear that you can't afford to support both of you
Choice 2: Rent out your expensive home and rent something cheaper / sell your expensive home and buy something cheaper
Choice 3: Just keep going as you are
Choice 4: Tell her it isn't working for you and move on

I think if you meet someone you truly love, marry and have kids together, you should have already made the decision to forgo certain aspects of your old life to accommodate the new. Whether your wife gives up work, you do, or you get childcare, if you want to make it work you'll find a way/

It doesn't sound like you want to

SavingSpaces2019 · 16/07/2019 23:48

She has no expectation of me me to pay for her at all
Oh but she does!
She simply says that she is broke and can’t affird nearly every suggestion I come up with
So she's going about it passive aggressively - if YOU want the both of you to go out/do something then YOU have to pay or otherwise it doesn't happen.
Eventually you get sick of sitting at home not doing anything - so either you pay up or die a slow death.

Also look at the pattern in her previous relationships - the men paid for her.
She's used to it and knows how to manipulate men into it.

She knows you're not going to spend the rest of your life sitting at home twiddling your thumbs so you will pay eventually.
What happens if you have a kid and she 'can't' find a job (there will always be an excuse), you're not going to leave her at home and only take your dc out are you?

She's spent her whole adult life like this.
She knows exactly what she's doing.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 16/07/2019 23:54

I don't think you're looking down on her at all. It isn't that you don't think she is clever or talented enough to get paid more, it's that she's being frustrating by complaining about circumstances she makes no efforts to change.

It is not at all unreasonable to not want to support someone financially, just because they would like you to do so.

It's a totally different situation when one is a SAHP , having made the choice for one of you to stay home while one of you works in order to do what's best for your family circumstances.

To me, lack of money would not be issue. The issue would be the obvious expectation put on me. If I love someone I'd support them if it was what was best for us, but I'd expect them to share the same sentiment if circumstances changed.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 16/07/2019 23:58

@Arewenearlytherenow

I think you need to come to terms with who she is and the lifestyle that will afford you, or let her go.

The longer you are together the more money/work/ambition/laziness matters. It's a huge difference in values. It will stop you from realising other dreams you might have for your life.

You need to make a decision about what is more important to you, no one can decide that for you.

If you do stay with her: accept her as she is. Don't try and change her. She's been pretty clear.

But do have an honest conversation before you break up. Tell her you love her but you can't see yourself being happy long term if you have the pressure of being the only viable breadwinner.

Northernsoullover · 17/07/2019 00:01

If you stay with her and she becomes a SAHM don't marry her. She'll get half or more of your house in the event of a divorce. Before anyone rounds on me I do believe that if a woman gives up a career to childcare then a split of assets is fair and right. In this case there will be nothing for her to give up, no career to put on hold. You'll be nothing but a gravy train.

Merryoldgoat · 17/07/2019 00:09

I would expect someone in their thirties without children and a degree to be doing SOMEthing that they want to.

Lacking ambition or drive when ground down by the every day stresses of family life is one thing, but single, a degree, no children? I’d be working on exactly what I wanted.

I’d be concerned your partner has low expectations for life.

Unless you’re being disingenuous... what does she do? What’s her degree in? If, for example, she’s a nurse then I think YABU.

cordeliavorkosigan · 17/07/2019 00:36

Sounds like a relationship-defining/destroying mismatch to me. I think the really serious things people have massive conflict often (not always!) boil down to money, time (esp household vs hobby/other), DC, other people and sex (and combinations like when someone spends time and money with other people / on sex etc).
A fundamental mismatch re money, and to some extent time- how you value it, spend it, organise it, fund what you're doing for fun - is pretty deep.
I think this isn't going to work.

Smokesandeats · 17/07/2019 00:39

You need to decide if you can live like this long term. You have to accept that you have a partner who isn’t ambitious but will be a loving partner and good mother but not earn much. It’s either that or ending the relationship to find someone who is more driven.

AquaPris · 17/07/2019 00:48

Do you love her?

namechangeninjaevervigilant · 17/07/2019 07:11

I am a couples therapist. Differing attitudes to money causes more difficulties in a relationship than infidelity or sex. (Only child rearing is more problematic). Often in these situations each persons view is equally valid but the inability to accept the differences causes problems.

OP you come across as very patronising, you seem convinced that your attitude is the better way and that your partner would improved if she followed your advice. Based on that alone I would say the two of you are not compatible.

Loveislandaddict · 17/07/2019 07:13

I agree with a poster upthread who said if you were talking about a man, we’d all be screaming cocklodger

SagAloojah · 17/07/2019 07:29

I'd move on. She wants to be a SAHM and I suspect when the kids start school she'll become a housewife, which is fine if both parties are happy with the arrangement but it doesn't sound like you'd be happy.

She is never going to find that fire in her belly, you either have it or you don't.

soccerbabe · 17/07/2019 07:31

why don't you look at upskilling OP, or for a better paid job yourself?

MamaFlintstone · 17/07/2019 07:35

I wouldn’t be able to get over an incompatibility in this area. It’s not unreasonable not to want to support her, and I agree one partner providing the financial support while another is a SAHP is a totally different situation from one partner providing the financial support because the other lacks the inclination to work to improve their income.

SagAloojah · 17/07/2019 07:38

@soccerbabe why should he? He's happy with current lifestyle.

FriarTuck · 17/07/2019 07:44

Also look at the pattern in her previous relationships - the men paid for her. She's used to it and knows how to manipulate men into it.
She knows you're not going to spend the rest of your life sitting at home twiddling your thumbs so you will pay eventually. What happens if you have a kid and she 'can't' find a job (there will always be an excuse), you're not going to leave her at home and only take your dc out are you?
This ^^ She sounds like she's quite happy living off someone else. No wonder she wants to move in with you - she's picturing herself living rent-free.....

BogglesGoggles · 17/07/2019 07:46

Well you don’t have enough money between you so if you want the relationship to work out one or both of you is going to have to earn more. If neither of you can they you’ll have to end it.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 17/07/2019 07:46

OP, given that she goes out with men who have enough money to finance her, it's quite obvious that she sees your relatively stable financial set up and that's what's attracting her

It's not a a bad paying job. It's about her expecting other people to finance her.

She is telling you she cant afford everything you suggest, because she wants you to say you will pay. Then you offered and she didnt ask.

Its plainly obvious that one of main attributes she looks for in a partner is the ability to finance her. She doesnt want to progress because she is simply waiting until she can give up work and be a sahm.

If I were you, I would run a mile.

RighteousSista · 17/07/2019 07:49

Might be worth using vote button UP

Major incompatible

Wh at were reasons for previous relationships with rich older successful men? Her or then doing the break up?

Sounds like a bit of a scrub IMHO

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 17/07/2019 07:50

Oh and I am the higher earner between me and dp. But in no way does dp ever expect anyone to finance him.

When we move in together he will be paying his fair share. He wouldnt want to live with me if he couldnt.

Thingsdogetbetter · 17/07/2019 07:57

It's not just the lack of ambition.

  1. She has a job she hates and moans about, but has done nothing off her own back to change that.
  2. Her parents have been supporting her well into adulthood because she's lazy and entitled.
  3. She has chosen a string of older, richer boyfriends because they help provide for her, so entitled princess.
  4. She lives hand to mouth, hates it and sees motherhood and being a sahm as the easy option, rather than a maternal desire - No concept of how much work that is so unrealistic about life and parenthood. She sees it as just 'not working'.

She's a womanchild who expects others to provide for her. To sort her life out for her. Has never taken responsibility for her choices, but whinges like a spoilt teenager about how hard those choices have made her life. And still does nothing about it.

Her lack of ambition won't be an issue if she had a job she loved and was happy about not having extra money, holidays etc. But she's not, she's just too lazy and entitled too anything to help herself. That will always be your job. If she's not happy about something, it'll always be YOUR job to sort it out - and not just the financial aspects. EVERYTHING. For ever.

Yabbers · 17/07/2019 08:12

then taken time to rear children

WTAF?

Goady Fucker.

Mother87 · 17/07/2019 08:13

It's the 'only' area where you're incompatible, but it's a HUGELY SIGNIFICANT potentially conflicting/divisive area...the differences have the potential to cause immense frustration for both of you whilst neither is 'at fault' as such... and as pp's have said, just because it's taken time to meet someone, you would be 'settling' on this occasion and even though you really like her - honestly? It will drive you mad...

dottiedodah · 17/07/2019 08:56

You say you love her and have never been happier with a woman.The fact that she earns a lot less than you shouldnt really come into the equation IMO.Can you not live together with the tenants?!.Surely you would be sharing a bedroom together ?I dont see the issue there TBH. As far as expensive trips abroad, can you not go on your own at all or with friends ?.In the long run your situation is similar to many people .Money is just a part of a relationship .If you meet a more driven young lady she may be more assertive and you may argue together .Many young ladies earn less than their partners even today .Its not right but it is often the case.You say you will have no problem supporting a family and its usually the case that there is less money for trips etc generally then!.Can you take trips out for the day ,or maybe a short trip abroad?.You pay the trip ,she provides spending money ?

powershowerforanhour · 17/07/2019 08:56

I live in an expensive city and my mortgage is new . I have a comfortable life. I enjoy travel, meals out, holidays, hobbies

If you want to continue to enjoy all of these things and have children then you need to either

  • dump your girlfriend and find someone richer than you- but be prepared for her to want to continue to work and put the children in nursery or have you look after them, and also be prepared to sit at home looking after kids some of the evenings and weekends while she does her hobbies and weekends away with her friends and enjoys the types of things that you do now.
Or
  • find a job that pays a bit better and be able to finance her to be a SAHM/continue low paid job very part time. But you'd better make sure that she is happy to sit at home with the kids all the time while you go on your golf weekends abroad.
Or
  • find a much better paying job so that you can hire a nanny and a cleaner, she doesn't have to work and you can afford to bring her and the children on the types of foreign holidays and dinners out that you like.