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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or am I being too mercenary

112 replies

Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 21:57

If my partner lacks ambition in career, cannot afford a night out and lives from hand to mouth but does nothing to progress her circumstances . I see that I may sound calculated but I cannot afford to support my partner now or in the future and I don’t know what to do. She wants us to live together but I have tenants who help me to pay my mortgage. I can’t afford to pay it myself and she has literally pounds left over every Friday . She will not upskill, hates her work,moans about having no money but wants a future together . I earn well and enjoy a good life but could not financially support her going forward. Feel like a twat but I can’t see a way out . I hope I do not come across as being uncaring because I really do like her . I have many holidays and trips planned but she can not afford to do any type of trip or adventure .

OP posts:
SunniDay · 16/07/2019 22:25

Hi OP,
HOW old are you and your partner?
If you have plenty of time on your side (if you want a family) why not continue to date but not live together until the right path for you becomes clear.

If you would like a family I have known plenty of families where the woman works in fast food restaurants or a supermarket as they offer flexible shifts around the families needs (despite being bright ladies with degrees) so her job isn't necessarily always a bad thing. People have to earn very very well to be worth doing a 9-5 and paying full time child care for what is left over.

Do you live in a very expensive area of the country & house? It seems odd that you say you earn well but can't afford your house without tenants?

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 16/07/2019 22:29

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone with that little drive and ambition. Over time I'd resent them and lose all respect.

Original poster
Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 22:31

Sorry I should be more clear. It isn’t that I cannot afford my mortgage but my lifestyle would’ve hugely curtailed . I live in an expensive city and my mortgage is new . I have a comfortable life. I enjoy travel, meals out, holidays, hobbies and each of those would have to be radically if some not totally reduced if I were to pay all the mortgage and bills on my own or even with a modest contribution , which I know she could just about afford . I am early thirties. She is the same .

OP posts:
Original poster
Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 22:33

As I said, I know that she would like to be a sahm mum in time which is what I would like too. However it is the lack of drive in r ambition to improve her lot which irks me but yet moans all the time about not being able to afford the basics in life .

OP posts:
Tavannach · 16/07/2019 22:36

I honestly think for both your sakes you have to bow out.
You have different ambitions and values and this would impact on how you think your children should be raised and the values they should be taught.
You could try talking to your girlfriend about it if you feel that love might conquer all, but I think you have to be clear that this matters a lot to you.

Jemima232 · 16/07/2019 22:37

Oh FGS.

You look down on her and come across as a pompous twat.

Your relationship has enough difficulties without the two of you moving in together.

Let her go so that she can find someone who appreciates her.

Yes, you do sound mercenary. And hugely dismissive of her.

I feel sorry for her.

bingbongnoise · 16/07/2019 22:37

@Arewenearlytherenow

Are you male or female?

namechangeninjaevervigilant · 16/07/2019 22:38

If you feel like that now it will only get worse.

Some people don’t mind bankrolling an unambitous partner. My DH has done it for years for me, he likes that I only work PT so have time to take care of the ‘wife work’ and he is happy that the much, much greater amount he earns goes into a communal pot and unconcerned that I spend a great deal more of our disposable income than him. However I know that a lot of people wouldn’t feel that way and would resent the lower earning partner (TBH I don’t think I could be as generous as my DH if our roles were reversed).

If you already know that you two have this very fundamental differerence in attitudes and values I don’t think there is much future for you. It would be best to end it now.

bingbongnoise · 16/07/2019 22:38

@Arewenearlytherenow I mean, are you in a same-sex couple?

BoronationStreet · 16/07/2019 22:40

If it was a woman saying this about a man, it would be a unanimous vote to bin the cock lodger.

So yeah, you are clearly unhappy with a major factor in the relationship and if you're not ok with it, then end it.

Original poster
Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 22:40

I am male.

OP posts:
BlueSkiesLies · 16/07/2019 22:42

Ditch her, there’s no future with her. Find someone with more motivation and a better job.

BoronationStreet · 16/07/2019 22:42

I cannot stress this enough...you are fundamentally incompatible. You already know the answer and you've either come here for validation or to score a story for the Daily Mirror.

Original poster
Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 22:44

But is there npt a fundamental difference between a couple who decide for one of them to stay home and run the home and the other to go out and earn the money so both are contributing equally to the family in a different way . My situation is that there is no family. We are in a relationship living seperately

OP posts:
Original poster
Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 22:45

I’m coming here to ask you if I am being unreasonable and if there is any solution or happy ever after endings to this situation in your experience .

OP posts:
bingbongnoise · 16/07/2019 22:45

@Arewenearlytherenow

Oh OK, I just wondered if you were a same sex couple as I didn't see you put your gender.

You are clearly not happy in this relationship, and will only resent her eventually.

I do wonder though, how you will cope when you settle down/get married, and your wife has a baby, and SHOCKER you will possibly end up being the breadwinner for a few years. You may even end up supporting her for a decade or more (and your child(ren.)

How is THAT going to sit with you?

Sounds like you are better off staying single tbh.

Original poster
Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 22:47

I have never been happier with a woman . It is this element of our relationship that is upsetting me and wonder if the practicalities of life can somehow be overcome by love

OP posts:
kateandme · 16/07/2019 22:53

if you moved forward though,like this you would only end up resenting and hating a miserable existence together.
love works when you support and adapt and evolve together.you support eacohter.and work together for a good future.i dont know how you would do this.
could you voice these things with her.or is this very much how she stands and wants to continue.

groundanchochillipowder · 16/07/2019 22:53

Nope, you need to bin. You are incompatible. I can guarantee you're 'never been happier' will not be for long because this person will always want you to subsidise her. It's utter bullshit that 'love' can overcome incompatibility like this. If you were a woman writing about a male partner who was exactly like this woman there would be close to 100% 'cocklodger alert' from the peanut gallery.

Tavannach · 16/07/2019 22:54

If you have never been happier why are you worried about her lack of ambition? That's what's puzzling me. It's her lack of ambition, part of who she is. If you're worried because you're going to have to drop a skiing holiday or something then you have to tell her you'd resent this to some extent so that she can decide what action she wants to take. She might get a part-time job. She might be spurred on take a masters. Or she might decide that you're not the man for her.

BuildingQuote · 16/07/2019 22:55

I don’t think asking us will necessarily help bring clarity, and I feel for you.
I certainly think it would help to talk gently but clearly to her about how you feel.
Also can you ask yourself how you’d feel in the future, if you did have a family would it no longer bother you? And is having a family what you want?

EnoughLifeLessons · 16/07/2019 22:55

Cut your losses, you're just incompatible. Money is actually a very basic thing in a relationship. If finances are difficult now, they become 100 times harded when there's kids involved.

Herocomplex · 16/07/2019 22:58

Does she show drive and ambition in other areas? I think for a partnership to work you have to find qualities that you admire, and be prepared to accommodate the things you find more difficult. The problem comes when you face challenges in the future, what if you couldn’t work for some reason, would she step up and support you and the family? If you have doubts now about such a fundamental thing you might find the future quite tricky. And is it really about the money, or the fact that you think she lacks ambition?

Chocolate1984 · 16/07/2019 22:59

You need to dump her, her lack of ambition will always bug you. Her moaning and doing nothing to change will wear you down.

oyoyoy · 16/07/2019 23:00

Can love overcome this? Or do I have to forego my own financial comfort and enjoyment to maintain the relationship.

Sadly, love doesn't pay the bills. Time to be honest with yourself and her and let go.