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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or am I being too mercenary

112 replies

Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 21:57

If my partner lacks ambition in career, cannot afford a night out and lives from hand to mouth but does nothing to progress her circumstances . I see that I may sound calculated but I cannot afford to support my partner now or in the future and I don’t know what to do. She wants us to live together but I have tenants who help me to pay my mortgage. I can’t afford to pay it myself and she has literally pounds left over every Friday . She will not upskill, hates her work,moans about having no money but wants a future together . I earn well and enjoy a good life but could not financially support her going forward. Feel like a twat but I can’t see a way out . I hope I do not come across as being uncaring because I really do like her . I have many holidays and trips planned but she can not afford to do any type of trip or adventure .

OP posts:
RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 16/07/2019 23:01

It's interesting... I've seen some threads on here which suggest that some OPs would chose a partner based on his income or potential income.
This sits very uncomfortably with me.

And this thread rather encapsulates why.

However, I do note you've said repeatedly that you like this person a lot, so you clearly see some kind of future with her.
Maybe her reasons for not doing something more ambitious with her work is around a lack of confidence? Is this something you could supportively discuss with her?

Original poster
Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 23:02

I guess I am starting to think of a future for us and if it can work practically . She applied for a job recently which was actually a huge drop in her weekly wage but would be a step on the ladder to a better situation . She got the job but it fell through. I thought that this might spur her on to advance her studies but the disappointment overwhelmed her and she has not discussed it since

OP posts:
merlotqueen · 16/07/2019 23:03

Ultimately, although you love her now, you are already losing respect for her.

When she has a moan about her dead end job, what do you say? Do you boost her confidence and encourage her? Lack of ambition is a passion killer I reckon.

Remoteisland · 16/07/2019 23:04

At no point have you said you even love her. Do you? If not, why even start considering the big questions?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/07/2019 23:04

Is she planning to have babies then stop work forever?

Original poster
Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 23:05

She has always been in relationships where she has been financially supported with much older successful men . She is used to that perhaps . I am not in that league . I will never be wealthy but comfortable and I am happy with that

OP posts:
Original poster
Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 23:06

I do love her

OP posts:
roothyb · 16/07/2019 23:08

Be honest with her! Tell her in her current situation that you find it hard to see a future with her. Might get her arse in gear. It's difficult being stuck in a rut.

Original poster
Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 23:08

She has not said that she will stop work forever after babies . It has not come up. However she hates her work but has little to change that

OP posts:
roothyb · 16/07/2019 23:11

Try encourage her to peruse a career that she will enjoy too. Encourage her by telling her how good a life you would have together if she got her finger out!

Personally, I'd love my DP regardless of his financial circumstances.

SavingSpaces2019 · 16/07/2019 23:11

It isn't 'just' the money that is the problem here.
It's the lack of initiative and desire in wanting to provide the best life for yourself that you can and passively expecting your partner to subsidise your life.

Practicalities aside, she has no ambition, interest or intention of supporting herself more at the moment to improve her lot....Her previous partners have always supported her
This is who she is and i highly doubt she will change.

I know that she would like to be a sahm mum in time which is what I would like too
What happens after the kids are full time in school - and you need her to get a job to help support the family?
She won't. She will have you by the balls.
We always advise a woman to maintain her financial independnce, especially after having dc.
You won't be able to force her to get a job.
You will have to 'keep' her......and when you break up she could take more than half your assets (if you marry).
If you stay you will be financially responsible for everything.

You may love her but she's missing the important factors that you need/want in a lifetime partner.
Eventually that will affect your relationship and breed resentment - it already is.
You're not compatible as lifetime partners.
Get out now and give yourself the chance to find someone who is compatible with you in those areas of life.

If a woman came on here saying the same about her bf we'd all be screaming 'cocklodger'.
You seem to have a cuntlodger Grin

Branster · 16/07/2019 23:17

You have completely different attitudes to money and you will resent her situation as time progresses. You will think she is slinging off you, she will think you are not generous enough and so on.
You have made a good investment in securing a property and found a way of making it pay for itself through tenants. You loose the tenants because she moves in with you and you then struggle to pay the mortgage and support her and could loose the house. You’ll be worse off by miles. And no way would she pay rent to you if she moves in to cover the tenancy loss.
Find a girl who can pull her weight so you can succeed together and build your future together.
Also, who’s to say she won’t go off with somebody else later down the line, someone who can offer her more financial security without any worries.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 16/07/2019 23:19

Good advice from SavingSpaces!

Hormonesareabxtch · 16/07/2019 23:22

If she's applied for a job recently and got said job but then had it fall through, you can't really say she's doing little to change her working prospects.

You knew who she was when you met her, knew what she did for a living and would have gotten a good idea of how ambitious she was fairly early on.

I feel quite sorry for her reading this. I think it's quite clear you look down on her like another PP said, so whilst it's great that you're ambitious I don't think it's a good idea to continue a relationship with somebody you feel that way about.

I'm guessing communication between you isn't that great otherwise you'd have tentatively spoken to her about this sooner as opposed to a bunch of strangers.

UnderCaffeinated · 16/07/2019 23:30

I think it honestly depends on the kind of person that she is overall.

When my DH and I met, I was at university and he was working a decently paid manual job in a factory, working shifts, the job was quite good but the shifts were difficult as he has a son from a previous relationship and he was always quite aware that the earning potential he had was limited in that role.
Fast forward a good few years and I encouraged him to go to university to study a related topic and he's about to go into his final year of his degree with some potential jobs lined up. In that time I've supported him financially as I finished uni and got myself a decent job and this is partially what has allowed him to do his degree, without me it would have been very difficult for him when it comes to money. In turn, we'd like to have a baby together once he's working again and we'd both like it if I could go back to work part time then, and he would support me financially to do that. We're a team and we work together, share everything and are very open and very honest when it comes to money.

I believe that in a good relationship there might be times when you have to support the other, the difference here was that my DH had the ambition to want more than he had, to want to better himself. We share an idea of what our ideal lifestyle would be like and if she doesn't have that, then it's going to be very very difficult to stay in that relationship. No matter how much you love her.

merlotqueen · 16/07/2019 23:31

She has always been in relationships where she has been financially supported with much older successful men

What, like a sugar Daddy? Yuck.

Seems to be that rather than pay her way, she is happy to let your own standard of living and circumstances be reduced to fund her. This is not love.

Original poster
Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 23:34

She has no expectation of me me to pay for her at all. She simply says that she is broke and can’t affird nearly every suggestion I come up with . I encourage her to find a course of f study or a job that she might like . I set up the last interview for her , the one that fell through.

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/07/2019 23:35

Hi OP

I'm not sure what you want? Someone with drive and ambition with a successful career....that is then happy to give it up to be a SAHP

You want someone to be SAHP but havent even met the person you really want a family with yet

You want to be the breadwinner in your future family but currently have to have housemates to afford your mortgage

I'd stop thinking about the future and concentrate on now. No she cant move in because you cant afford the mortgage if she did. Or rather you could but would rather enjoy your current lifestyle (which is fair enough - I personally wouldn't accept a huge drop in lifestyle to live with someone).

Original poster
Arewenearlytherenow · 16/07/2019 23:35

No not like a sugar daddy

OP posts:
SolsticeBabyMaybe · 16/07/2019 23:40

Could she not spend the money she spends on rent now to contribute to your rent? Also, you don't have to get rid of tenants just to have her move in with you.

If you are even considering this it's a good idea to gauge her expectations, and if she thinks she would be living off you. You'd need to make it clear that's not an option.

PaddingtonMare · 16/07/2019 23:42

You want children in the future - they’re not just expensive, you need to nurture them. Will you both instil a work ethic? Do you want them to aim high? Would you want the same things for your kids? Parenting is hard, but having two different perspectives will make it a hundred times harder, and will intensify your differences.

thetimekeeper · 16/07/2019 23:42

Basic degree? You mean an undergraduate degree? Hmm

Happymum12345 · 16/07/2019 23:43

You don’t sound like you’re in love.

Solo · 16/07/2019 23:44

Money shouldn't rule over love, though. It's hard to find a decent significant other at the best of times. You have some thinking to do.

goodfornothinggnome · 16/07/2019 23:44

I would also say call if a day.
This is so much more than financially being in different places.
This shows a lot about you having different personalities.
She is happy to moan and be unhappy, whereas you read like someone who sort of charges toward your goals.

You will find yourself 2,3,4 years down the line frustrated because it's a personality trait, and it will become a recurring theme.