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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a night away with friends?

85 replies

Crushedandout · 16/07/2019 15:43

Since dc1 was born (now 10) I’ve not had a night away from the children apart from when I had to have surgery. I have dc2 (3) as well now.
My friends are having a night out for their birthdays in a month or so - it’s about an hour away and I want to go but I’d like a drink and to be able to stop over at on of their houses after. I’ve also been invited on a night away to a spa in September.
Dh isnt happy. I’m a sahm so he says it is my job to have the kids at the weekends and also he keeps demanding to know why I want a night away and calling it a ‘red flag’. I am mid 30s and feel like my life is passing me by. Dh tells me what I can and can’t do. He isn’t happy about me going because he doesn’t want me going into the city apparently - yet I did it many times when I was younger and pre children. It’s really getting my down. Dh has never had both children on his own, he’s never taken them anywhere or done anything with them unless I’m there too. Since having the dc he has been away quite a number of times, sometimes for three or four nights for stag parties abroad etc and every few months he goes out with his friends and stops over by them. I am sick of it, I feel like I can’t have a life and feel so guilty about leaving the children. My friends all seem to be able to go away occasionally but dh is making me feel like I’m being really unreasonable and I’m starting to think I am? Am I? He says he doesn’t understand why I want to leave them for a night and it’s selfish.

OP posts:

DoneLikeAKipper · 16/07/2019 15:45

What did he say when you pointed out he’d had several nights away from the children without being called selfish or you thinking it was a red flag?

Original poster

Crushedandout · 16/07/2019 15:46

He said he works in the week.
He keeps accusing me of having an affair.

OP posts:

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 16/07/2019 15:47

Just book it and enjoy the time with your friends.

Then have a think as to what exactly he brings to the relationship.

highheelsandbobblehats · 16/07/2019 15:48

Yeah, I see a massive red flag too. Except it's about him. Whoa. Has he always been this controlling?

BlueSkiesLies · 16/07/2019 15:48

Dh isnt happy. I’m a sahm so he says it is my job to have the kids at the weekends and also he keeps demanding to know why I want a night away and calling it a ‘red flag’

Please accept my apologies for marrying an arsehole.

He keeps accusing me of having an affair.

The relationship is over. How can you come back form this? Prepare yourself for life as a single mother, at least you'll get every other weekend off.

Original poster

Crushedandout · 16/07/2019 15:49

It’s making me feel really anxious. I half think there’s no point going because it will all be so unpleasant with him before and after and I will have to be interrogated as to where I went and who I saw.

OP posts:

thedevilcamefromthehimber · 16/07/2019 15:50

This is more than a night away with friends. He is controlling you!

Pipandmum · 16/07/2019 15:50

Tell him you’re going. I can’t think of a single reason that he could say to stop you. You may be a full time mother but you are still allowed to go away.
My neighbour (mum of 4) used to go away on her own a couple times a year for ten days a time. My husband did look at me like ‘don’t get any ideas’, but certainly would not have objected to a weekend or two away - we just tended to do that together leaving the kids behind.

Brefugee · 16/07/2019 15:50

Lemme get this right. He works in the week and can have weekends off. You have to work 24/7 with no time off?

Sod that for a game of soldiers. If i were you I'd try to get a babysitter, that you can drop the children at, and go for the weekend.

And if that was a problem for him I'd be re-evaluating my relationship.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 16/07/2019 15:52

Hes taking advantage of you op. Sounds like he has you excately where he wants you.

Original poster

Crushedandout · 16/07/2019 15:54

He started out with ‘you aren’t going’
Now we’ve moved to ‘it’s a red flag, why do you want to go? The children will really miss you. I don’t understand why you don’t want to spend time with us’.
For reference he is rarely here at the weekend anyway, out all day on a Saturday and out half of Sunday.
I don’t know. It shouldn’t be this hard should it? For one night? Two I guess but separately. I should be able to leave them with their dad shouldn’t I.

OP posts:

EAIOU · 16/07/2019 15:58

Is he having an affair?

Original poster

Crushedandout · 16/07/2019 15:58

No. I don’t believe so.

OP posts:

MysweetAudrina · 16/07/2019 15:59

He is being a controlling arse and trying to emotionally blackmail you by saying the children will miss you etc..

Decide you are going and book it. Yes he will be an arse before and after but that is just more of his controlling behavior. Already you are wavering because he knows that he can stop you going by playing all these mind games with you.

Of course you are entitled to a night away. I went to Las Vegas with a group of work friends and dh stayed home with the kids. I also went to Barcelona and am planning on a short yoga retreat later on in the year.

Just make your plans and stick with them or else nothing is ever going to change and life will just pass you by.

EKGEMS · 16/07/2019 16:01

You should take time away and spend it at a solicitors office applying to divorce that manipulative,controlling,absentee husband you've got

Original poster

Crushedandout · 16/07/2019 16:01

They probably will miss me, especially dc2, since they aren’t used to their dad having them. He said I will have to write him a list of instructions if I go because he doesn’t know what they have for breakfast etc. I said they will tell you! He’s very very not happy about it.

OP posts:

MysweetAudrina · 16/07/2019 16:07

Of course they will miss you and they might even guilt you themselves, mine certainly did but you can promise to bring them back a surprise and tbh when I got back home I was like a different person. It's good to get a break and just hang out. Small things like reading a book or having a coffee or dinner with friends away are so good for you. You come back refreshed and with more space and a better energy for life. Do him a list if that's what he wants. Let him be unhappy that is his problem. He doesn't care that you are unhappy and he seems to make sure he is happy all the time so just be strong and decide you are doing this and that's it.

gokartdillydilly · 16/07/2019 16:11

Oh OP, what a big baby! Your kids will be fine, all three of them. On no account write a list of what to do before you GO AND HAVE FUN! Honestly, if you back down now, you will never have a life and he'll be able to continue manipulating you and treating you like the home help.
He works all week so is entitled to a weekend off. But you work all week, and so you are entitled to a weekend off.The weekends should be shared childcare, not him having all his time to himself. What a selfish prick!
It's time he stepped up, womanned up, grew up.
And it's time you stood up.

SmallHope · 16/07/2019 16:11

Wow, he's being so unreasonable, I think you know this. I think you've been strong to cope with his controlling attitude for so long, but he's into abusive territory here.

He is the DC's parent too, please go and enjoy your night away. Have a good think about whether you want to be with this man.

Original poster

Crushedandout · 16/07/2019 16:12

That’s exactly it. I just want to be able to go out, have a drink, not worry about having to drive home afterwards or driving round an unfamiliar city, not have to worry about moving the car if we go to a different bar or something after the meal. I just want to be able to relax basically. I won’t go until Saturday evening and I will be back Sunday lunchtime. I’m not going to get particularly drunk - I don’t and never have - but I’d like a couple of drinks.

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/07/2019 16:13

He says all that to you, yet he seems to think it's not a issue when he goes away. I'm sorry OP, you seem to be married to an utter dick...and that's putting it mildly. You do realise though don't you that the more you pander to him the worse he will become. Honestly, put your foot down, say you are going end of. And seriously (I speak from experience here) it's no way to live, so I would honestly think about leaving him too as he will only get more and more controlling and before you know it, utter isolation, no friends, no money, no chance of leaving.

Original poster

Crushedandout · 16/07/2019 16:15

I’ve started going to an exercise class for one hour a week. I have to go late on after the kids are in bed else I can’t go. That is also a ‘red flag.’ Seemingly my ‘affair’ fits into one hour a week . I have to send a photo of the gym to prove I am there.

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 16/07/2019 16:16

Oh and tell him that if he thinks it's up to you to have them all weekend because you are a sahm then he needs to go into work 7 days a week. His views are totally ridiculous, what a cave man!

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 16/07/2019 16:19

this is not normal behaviour. Is he overly anxious about everything or is this 'affair' bollocks it? Sometimes it's like they're projecting! Has he always been like this? And 7 years is a big age gap - did you want a second or were you just starting to get some independence when dc1 was 6/7 and suddenly found yourself pregnant again?

LannieDuck · 16/07/2019 16:19

Wow, he's being utterly unreasonable. And sounds worryingly controlling. I'm always of the opinion that what goes for him, should go for you.

If he's allowed to go off for 3-4 day stag dos, you're allowed a similar number of overnight stays with your friends away from home. If he takes all day off on a Saturday, you take all day off on the Sunday.

He works all week, but so do you - you do all the childcare, and presumably you do all the housework? Ask if he thinks that counts as work? Either it does, and therefore you work during the week too (housework + preschooler definitely = same effort as 9-5 job), or it doesn't count as work in which case why isn't he doing half since it's so easy?

You both work during the week, so childcare at weekends should be split. Anything other than that, and you've got a selfish arse for a husband.

If your oldest is 10, and his dad doesn't know what he has for breakfast, that's a sure sign that his dad needs to do a lot more childcare.

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