To want a night away with friends?

[Crushedandout]

Since dc1 was born (now 10) I’ve not had a night away from the children apart from when I had to have surgery. I have dc2 (3) as well now.
My friends are having a night out for their birthdays in a month or so - it’s about an hour away and I want to go but I’d like a drink and to be able to stop over at on of their houses after. I’ve also been invited on a night away to a spa in September.
Dh isnt happy. I’m a sahm so he says it is my job to have the kids at the weekends and also he keeps demanding to know why I want a night away and calling it a ‘red flag’. I am mid 30s and feel like my life is passing me by. Dh tells me what I can and can’t do. He isn’t happy about me going because he doesn’t want me going into the city apparently - yet I did it many times when I was younger and pre children. It’s really getting my down. Dh has never had both children on his own, he’s never taken them anywhere or done anything with them unless I’m there too. Since having the dc he has been away quite a number of times, sometimes for three or four nights for stag parties abroad etc and every few months he goes out with his friends and stops over by them. I am sick of it, I feel like I can’t have a life and feel so guilty about leaving the children. My friends all seem to be able to go away occasionally but dh is making me feel like I’m being really unreasonable and I’m starting to think I am? Am I? He says he doesn’t understand why I want to leave them for a night and it’s selfish.

How on earth have you lasted this long with him? He sounds like a controlling, abusive arsehole. The moment a partner even suggested I was having an affair because I wanted to (shock horror) have fun they would be out of the door. YANBU at all but I really don't know how you will get him to see that as he sounds extremely set in his ways.

Leave, get yourself sorted and leave, he’s an abusive cunt. He is one giant walking red flag, this is not normal. You don’t have to live like this.

I’ve been depressed a really long time I think. Since having my first dc and definitely since having the second. The last few months I’ve felt so much better, I look better, I’ve been taking more care of myself - bothering to have my hair cut and put make up on. Starting the exercise class. Red flag. Massive red flag. I also now want to go out more and have some fun while I’m still (relatively) young and the kids aren’t babies anymore are they? Dh keeps demanding who I want to look nice for. Myself. That’s who. He tells me to put a jacket over things etc. I mean it’s vest tops - not just a bra or anything!

I genuinely think dh preferred it when I was miserable.

Please phone women’s aid

No, it’s totally not normal to feel scared of your husband. Or to have to ask permission (and be denied) to go away for a night, or go running or go out of the house.

I genuinely think dh preferred it when I was miserable.

Of course he did. You were easier to control & manipulate.
Please look online at The Freedom Programme OP. You & your kids deserve better than this. xx

Physical violence is only a small part of domestic abuse.

He doesn’t need to hit you as he’s controlling you through intimidation and threats.

Please go and have a good time with your friends and don’t leave him a reminder list. Any man who cannot look after his children for a weekend without instructions isn’t a father and is a pathetic excuse as a partner.

He's no 'D' H- he's abusing you. Reading each and every update of yours suggests he enjoys dominating you. Right now, his life is made because he's got you exactly where he wants and needs you to be. The fact that you're feeling anxious trying to have a life of your own is a red flag. Have my very first LTB.

Ps. Agree 100% with @Parker231. He's a sorry excuse for a 'man' and especially a 'father'.