To want a night away with friends?

[Crushedandout]

Since dc1 was born (now 10) I’ve not had a night away from the children apart from when I had to have surgery. I have dc2 (3) as well now.
My friends are having a night out for their birthdays in a month or so - it’s about an hour away and I want to go but I’d like a drink and to be able to stop over at on of their houses after. I’ve also been invited on a night away to a spa in September.
Dh isnt happy. I’m a sahm so he says it is my job to have the kids at the weekends and also he keeps demanding to know why I want a night away and calling it a ‘red flag’. I am mid 30s and feel like my life is passing me by. Dh tells me what I can and can’t do. He isn’t happy about me going because he doesn’t want me going into the city apparently - yet I did it many times when I was younger and pre children. It’s really getting my down. Dh has never had both children on his own, he’s never taken them anywhere or done anything with them unless I’m there too. Since having the dc he has been away quite a number of times, sometimes for three or four nights for stag parties abroad etc and every few months he goes out with his friends and stops over by them. I am sick of it, I feel like I can’t have a life and feel so guilty about leaving the children. My friends all seem to be able to go away occasionally but dh is making me feel like I’m being really unreasonable and I’m starting to think I am? Am I? He says he doesn’t understand why I want to leave them for a night and it’s selfish.

This is completely unreasonable behaviour. Being asked to take photos of where I am would be an end for me - obviously he doesn’t trust you one bit.

He is abusive. I feel for you because you probably don’t know much different having been with him for so long but I will tell you this. You either fight back and start doing things that you want to do or you leave him because if neither of those happen then your life will be utterly crap.

How does anyone live with this? You deserve a medal, OP, I couldn’t bear it. You must feel like a bird in a cage.

OP, my husband was like this. I divorced him.

I can't begin to explain to you the FREEDOM I felt after. The weight off my shoulders. Being able to laugh at a text on my phone without getting "who is that from? Show me". Without having to send pics to "prove" where I was every time I went out, and hand my phone over after so he could message my friends things like "that was so much fun but I have forgotten half the night already - what happened?" so he could hear it from them too.

I have young DC - three under 6. And I promise, my life is a million times easier without him. Our house is happier. I have relished being a competent single parent and not having to report to anyone. I didn't want my children to see this sort of relationship modelled and think it was normal. I didn't want my daughters to marry a man like him, nor my son to become one.

Go on your night out, fuck the consequences. Let him be mad. Let the atmosphere be awful. And every time it will give you the strength to realise you're not being unreasonable here, and eventually you will leave. And you'll never look back.

Of course you don’t need to send a photo of the gym to prove you have been there - it’s a stupid idea. If you want to go out with your friends, go but why have you enabled him to behave like this for so many years? Where is he most of the weekend?

Dh isnt happy. I’m a sahm so he says it is my job to have the kids at the weekends and also he keeps demanding to know why I want a night away and calling it a ‘red flag’.

Erm ... forgive me OP, but your DH is a cunt.

You haven't had a night away for 10 years.
Your misognistic DH maintains it is 'your job' to be on call 24/7, because ..?
He feels it is a red flag - ie massively worrying - for you to go out for a night with pals.
Yet he goes abroad for stag parties at the drop of a hat.
He has never parented his own children on his own.
He tells you you are selfish for wanting ONE night off, & cannot see his own hypocrisy in taking his own multiple nights off.
Hold on - you have to send a photo of the gym to prove I am there

OP - you know that all these, & especially the last one, are red flags in themselves, don't you?

Please find time to look carefully at this link - freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You are being controlled & abused.
There is no excuse for your DH to treat you like this. None at all.
What on earth are YOU getting out of this relationship?

@TheBrilloPad you deserve a medal for leaving your bastard.
OP, i'd go on your night out and ask him to have his bags packed for when you get back. He sounds absolutely repulsive.

He said he works in the week.

So do you, my dear. You are a homemaker, & that is a job.
The difference being that he expects you to work 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
Whereas he has every evening & weekend off, & also feels free to swan off on stag do''s while you are left managing the kids & household.

I half think there’s no point going because it will all be so unpleasant with him before and after and I will have to be interrogated as to where I went and who I saw.

Yup.
Which is exactly what your charmer of a husband is banking on.

If you can find the strength to leave this one-sided marriage, you will find joy elsewhere, I don't mean with another man - I mean the joy of living without tiptoeing over DH's eggshells, the joy of not having to comply with orders, the joy of being your own person without some massive bellend with appalling double standards treading on you & demanding obedience.

wow, he sounds like an absolute darling!

in my opinion, and experience, the very thing you are being accused off, is what they are doing themselves, and the reason you are being accused is because if they can do it, so can you!

Turn this around on him, ask him why he is never around with the kids, why is he not doing family stuff on the weekend.

I'm really sorry OP but if you want this to stop, put your foot down and tell him you are going, do not ask his permission, he is not your boss

Myself and DP are far from perfect, but when it comes to nights out etc, as long as we can afford, got nothing going on as a family, then its all systems go. i will often ring him in work saying been invited out on such and such date, can you think of reason why i can't go....its not that i'm asking his permission, merely giving him the courtesy as my partner to let him know i'm going, which works both ways xx

He is controlling and abusive. What a twat. This is not a normal relationship.

What an unpleasant and controlling man.
My DH can be an arse sometimes, but if I want to go out, I go out. Yes I run it by him first. And its not that often, but christ your eldest is 10. 10! That's a long time to go without a proper night out.
You should be able to leave them with their dad, but he is selfish as well as controlling and can't be bothered to look after his own children, ever, it seems.
He is a shitty shitty father and and shitty shitty husband.
Sorry OP

Exactly what Betty said. You're married to an abuser

Go, have a great time and tell the arsehole he better get used to it. And if he doesn't like it he can fuck off then he'll have the kids EOW and you'll have even MORE time to have some time for you. And no more photos from the gym!

The thing about people like this, it's all shit they say designed to make you second guess yourself, back down, do anything to keep them happy. Give it no reaction. Skip off to the gym "bye dear, I'm off to see my fancy man!". "That's a red flag, you're having an affair" - "don't talk such bollocks DH, you just don't want me to leave the house, I'm your wife not your prisoner"

I had a mate whose OH would threaten all sorts and she would be in tears begging him not to leave. One day she turned around and said alright then, bye! 20 mins later he was back tail between legs because it was all puff. It was soon over when he realised he had no power over her anymore.

Tell him. No more little wifey bowing to his commands anymore. He'll huff and puff and either suck it up or he will go but you'll no longer be his victim.

OMG I just caught up and saw the gym photo thing. This is abusive OP

Divorce him then he can have the kids half of the time. He's a controlling knob
This is no way to live

He doesn’t like me going for a walk or run occasionally in the evening (after kids in bed) either. Red flag.
I don’t want him to have the kids half the time, that’s partly why I’m still here.

I don’t want him to have the kids half the time, that’s partly why I’m still here.

Don't let that be your reason for putting up with his shit, OP.
If it comes to divorce, do you seriously believe that he is going to be able or willing to take care of his children?
Of course not - that's why he puts it all onto you.

It's likely he'll see them every other weekend. Until another Stag do comes up, which will obviously be more important to him than parenting his kids.

He won't want the kids half the time because he won't want to facilitate you have a life!!!

He will threaten going for custody to frighten you into staying, then he won't do fixes contact just want them as and when suits, them you will wake up and get a court order for fixed contact one overnight a fortnight as he won't want more then half the time he won't bother turning up anyway.

It's the abuser script!!!

Jesus,there are so manyred flags in your posts it looks like a communist convention. And they are all from him!

He is controlling,abusive and trying to separate you from your friends and preventing you from having any kind of life away from him or the kids. Can you live the next 8 years like this? 10?20? There won't be much of you left, he's already chipping away at your confidence .
Who's decision was for you to be a SAHM? Can you get a job now?
You need to seriously think about your future and leaving. The kids will grow and he is the one you'll be left with. Probably the only one if he keeps interfering with your hobbies and friendships.

He sounds like a total dick. Get rid of him.

Christ it’s like you are in prison and he is your jailor

He's an arse, and he's not the boss of you. You only get one life, and yours would be much better without him in it.

What would he do if you said you need to go away for the weekend to practice leaving them for when daddy has them for the weekend after after your marriage ends because millions of happily married women have friends and have lives, it’s only he he’s married to controlling assholes like him who don’t, and you’re going to fix that?
It does sound like you are starting to see this thank god , I predict you will be free of controlling asshole one day and never look back.

OP, I'd put money on the fact her won't take the kids 50% of the time. Of course he won't! He'll do exactly what my exH did, threaten that, which used to get me so upset, but when I now say "of course you can. Let me know what days you want them so I can make plans" - BAM, he doesn't want them anymore. He sees them irregularly and infrequently and still tries to control me (lots of noticing my WhatsApp status is showing "online", and messaging to say "you're online a lot tonight".)

Now I can ignore him and his control and his petty games. If your DH is anything like mine was, he'll probably also then try and control you with money "I'll never give you a penny, you'll be homeless, then you'll lose the kids" etc. Let me tell you this - I currently need to receive some Universal Credits to top up my earnings, but it's still the most independence I've ever had with money. I'M in control of money now, I decide what it's spent on. And Jesus, it's SO SO SO much better to live a life having your own control over a very small amount of money, rather than a life with a controlling DH who always had the final say over money because he earned more (mine made me take my £4 hair conditioner off the food shop because it was too expensive, the same week he spent £700 on betting on horses).

Please OP, list his "Good" traits here. Not "he's a good father" (he's not. A good father doesn't control his kids mother like this), and nothing to do with anything he does for the kids, the damage this relationship is showing them outweighs any "good" he's doing. What do you love about him?

Shit OP. This is one of the worst threads I've ever read. Seriously he is an abusive controlling hypocrite. He does everything he is accusing you of, and I never say this, but the fact he is a hypocrite in so many ways makes me think he could well be having an affair.

I dont think you can change his behaviour. He is trying to manipulate you into being a slave.

So you can only change yours. Just go on the night out. He can't actually stop you.

And get working on your escape plan. I'd start looking for a job. If only people who work outside the home are allowed any time off or any time to themselves - then fine, you'll work, he can pay a proportion of wraparound childcare and you can have half the time off

Seriously please think about making some changes. You cant live like this