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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a night away with friends?

85 replies

Crushedandout · 16/07/2019 15:43

Since dc1 was born (now 10) I’ve not had a night away from the children apart from when I had to have surgery. I have dc2 (3) as well now.
My friends are having a night out for their birthdays in a month or so - it’s about an hour away and I want to go but I’d like a drink and to be able to stop over at on of their houses after. I’ve also been invited on a night away to a spa in September.
Dh isnt happy. I’m a sahm so he says it is my job to have the kids at the weekends and also he keeps demanding to know why I want a night away and calling it a ‘red flag’. I am mid 30s and feel like my life is passing me by. Dh tells me what I can and can’t do. He isn’t happy about me going because he doesn’t want me going into the city apparently - yet I did it many times when I was younger and pre children. It’s really getting my down. Dh has never had both children on his own, he’s never taken them anywhere or done anything with them unless I’m there too. Since having the dc he has been away quite a number of times, sometimes for three or four nights for stag parties abroad etc and every few months he goes out with his friends and stops over by them. I am sick of it, I feel like I can’t have a life and feel so guilty about leaving the children. My friends all seem to be able to go away occasionally but dh is making me feel like I’m being really unreasonable and I’m starting to think I am? Am I? He says he doesn’t understand why I want to leave them for a night and it’s selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crushedandout · 16/07/2019 17:57

I am scared of him Sad

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 16/07/2019 17:59

Call womens aid
Start making steps to leave
Can you stay with family?

BettyIsABoy · 16/07/2019 18:05

Please listen to the people posting.

There's a pattern these men follow. I didn't believe it until I went through my separation and divorce. And now my friend is experiencing the same with her soon to be ex.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But bloody hell, it's worth it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/07/2019 18:08

How have you put up with this for so long?

PositiveVibez · 16/07/2019 18:10

Oh god OP. You poor thing.

He's a shit dad, and abusive husband and an all round vile creature.

Please take the steps the Pp's have suggested and make a plan to get away from this cruel bastard.

If you don't feel you can do it for yourself, do it for your kids. Or they will grow up thinking women should be locked up at home and be a maid and servant (probably available for sexual purposes any time male demands it) and they will think that men are superior to women. They will lead their life according to the example set by their parents.

TheWernethWife · 16/07/2019 18:10

He's an abusive bully, ring Women's Aid and if he starts when you come home from your time out with friends then ring the Police and have him done for Coercive Control. He only has control if you let him.

WomanLikeMeLM · 16/07/2019 19:04

Tell your DH to fuck right off, who the hell does he think he is telling you no. Go enjoy it and if he starts tell him he will need to find childcare full time for HIS kids as you will not be controlled.

GertrudeCB · 16/07/2019 19:14

Your OP and follow up posts are absolutely chilling.
Do you have anyone in RL that you can confide in ?

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 16/07/2019 19:17

Don't feel bad because you have been "putting up with it". Bullies have a way of making you do that.
Women's aid is a good call. Newish legislation defines what you are experiencing as abuse.
I'm so sorry you're scared of him.
Do you have anywhere you could escape to? Althouh depending on your housing tenure getting him out might make more sense.
You can't go on like this. There is a whole wide world of peace, calm, freedom and happiness out there waiting for you.
He will not get 50/50 if you have written evidence of his coercive control. No chance.

MsTSwift · 16/07/2019 20:12

You are Julia Roberts in sleeping with the enemy and he is the mental moustache husband. You can’t go on like this it’s not normal and a terrible twisted set up for your poor kids

ReturnofSaturn · 16/07/2019 20:28

Christ, I'm picking my jaw up off the floor here.
I can't believe you're living like this, don't let him do this to you!!

You say you're scared? What exactly are you scared of??

icecreampanckaes · 16/07/2019 20:30

I honestly don't know how you have put up with this for so long!

He works in the week, does he not see your role as contributing to the household? He goes away regularly, why is it one rule for him and one for you?

He wants you to feel guilty so you won't go and if you did that you wouldn't enjoy it. As you've said you're mid thirties and your life will pass you by if you stay with this man and put up with this

Elliebellbell · 16/07/2019 20:36

Is there anyone who can support you? Parents? Siblings? You need to get away from this arsehole. X

Original poster
Crushedandout · 16/07/2019 20:50

It’s bad isn’t it? It’s not just me. It is bad.

OP posts:
Time40 · 16/07/2019 20:54

It’s bad isn’t it? It’s not just me. It is bad

It is bad, OP. It's really, really bad. You are married to an abuser. He's controlling you, and chipping away at your confidence. You're his prisoner and his slave. You need to get away from him - you seriously do. Just this alone:

I have to send a photo of the gym to prove I am there

  • without any of the rest of it is enough to show that his behaviour is very far from normal.

Please leave. It will only get worse.

justasking111 · 16/07/2019 20:58

Why are you scared of him OP? Would he physically hurt you, the children?

Tiredtessy · 16/07/2019 21:19

It sounds like he’s having an affair tbh but god knows who would put up with him, if I was you, I would leave with the children and never ever eve return, he’s a bully control freak and will seriously damage your children and how their relationships when they are older.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 16/07/2019 21:21

It's such a shock when you realise it goes beyond a partner 'being difficult'. You normalise it to a great extent.

All ai can say is that freedom is fantastic and you will do much, much better without him in the medium and long term, even if it seems a long way away now. X

Verily1 · 16/07/2019 21:26

This is domestic abuse.

Please call women’s aid and talk about your relationship to a professional.

Does he monitor your calls/ internet use?

Spy on you?

Open your mail?

Do you have access to your own money?

Does he coerce you into sex?

FilthyforFirth · 16/07/2019 21:31

Honestly, you cant think this is remotely normal behaviour can you?

I am sorry you are scared of him, I would ring womens aid immediately. I would also look into getting a job asap. Your eldest is at school and your youngest qualifies for 30 free hours at nursery. A part time job would boost your confidence massively I think.

positivepixie · 16/07/2019 21:39

He is being massively unreasonable. I can't believe you've not had a night away or really any time away from your children in 10 years. This isn't normal.
If he won't or doesn't want to spend time with his own children and simultaneously allow you a well deserved night out, firstly that's very sad for the kids but is just not acceptable for you.

Original poster
Crushedandout · 17/07/2019 11:31

I don’t think he’s having an affair. He’s ALWAYS here. I wish he would though, if he ended the marriage it would be so much better.
He’s never been physically violent, he can intimate though at 6ft 5 and more than double my weight. He will speak loudly and very close to me. It’s threatening although I don’t think he’d ever physically hurt me and definitely wouldn’t hurt the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crushedandout · 17/07/2019 11:31

intimidate

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/07/2019 11:40

You needs to get your ducks in a row, speak with WA and leave with no notice. Go as soon as you can before your DS is too old to go into a refuge with you.

He will get worse and violence is a huge risk if you try and leave or go against his wishes. This is no life for you and your DC Thanks

BarbedBloom · 17/07/2019 11:51

You need to phone woman's aid OP and start making an escape plan. Don't assume your DH won't control or harm your children though. My father was a very angry controlling man and he hit me for the first time when I was a teenager and tried to assert my independence and ask why he treated my mother so badly