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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand why people are so busy

133 replies

user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 14:03

And take on so much stuff they don't need to do?

I often see it on here. Like this - "We both work in busy important jobs and then we have brownies, PTA lots of DC activities and we are so worn out and stressed!"

But the it is a choice no-one 'has' to do these things. Why not just stop doing it, or not take on so much in the first place?

OP posts:

Original poster

user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 15:08

Adeline yes with some people it is a compulsive thing. Dh's family can be a bit like that. I find it exhausting!

OP posts:

SolitudeAtAltitude · 16/07/2019 15:08

yes, I get where you are coming from

I grew up in the 70s, and loved it until about 12 (roaming around, playing) as a teen it was very boring though

No hobbies, sport or anything. Just school, seeing a friend every now and then, reading books, and watching parent-approved TV for 1 hour.

I run myself ragged taking the kids to activities as I think it is so wonderful to find your "thing" and you have to try a few things to know what that is!

It is also partly keeping-up-with-the-joneses, if you are not "busy-busy-busy" you are a loser with no life

It is hard to go against this, as all our friends' kids are constantly doing amazing things.

It's modern life.

Well done to you if you are able to resist it

Original poster

user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 15:08

I had a job as a teen in 70s / 80s, in a cafe £1.75 an hour! I saved uo for uni that way.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 16/07/2019 15:09

My sister just often talks about 'the importance of down time/kids need to be kids not rushing about one place to the next.'
What this is in reality is her sitting on a screen/game for the 6 hours after school,as far away as possible from her children who are also on a screen/game of some kind.

Most people will do what they think is best for their child. If your child needs lots of downtime/doing nothing, then do that. But don't assume anyone whose dc is doing lots of activities is somehow doing it wrong.

It isn't really martyrdom to take your kid to ballet. If it's two miles away, and they're 7 years old, they're not gonna he able to get there themselves.

Yabu.

Original poster

user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 15:10

I think we are maybe spoilt as DC's school does loads of clubs and you just get them after. So we don't have the 'running around' thing.

OP posts:

adaline · 16/07/2019 15:10

Would your DC never do a sport at weekend because your life is busy enough?

Well, speaking from experience - I never had the option to do organised sports at the weekend and I don't feel I missed out. Weekends were family time - bike rides, swimming (as a family) at the local pool, going to the park with my dad, learning to rollerblade etc.

I do think a lot of activities are the parents' choice. Children don't need organised sports and 4-5 activities per week. If you want your child to do all that, fine, but at least accept that it's a choice you're making. You don't have to take them.

Youngandfree · 16/07/2019 15:12

Because it gives purpose! Last year I worked full time, studied part time on top of raising 2 children and all the activities that go with that. Plus my dh works away for weeks at a time! Did I moan?? Yes!! Why? Because I can 😂😂

Bubbletrouble43 · 16/07/2019 15:12

i agree with you OP. My mum was and still is one of those people and tbh it annoys the shit out of me.

YouokHun · 16/07/2019 15:12

I see where you’re coming from OP but a lot of those types are the ones who step up to the plate a lot of the time too.

It does remind me of an acquaintance at my children’s junior school who was “The Busiest Person In the World” which meant that yes she was working part time, yes she had 4 children, yes she volunteered a few hours a week. But it also meant that she expected others she judged as non-busy to “just scoop up my children and drop them home would you and could we make that a weekly arrangement, as I’m so busy and you aren’t?” Whilst dashing off because she was much busier than everyone else and then being very judgemental when people said no, “really, why not, have you really got much on, you’ve only got one child/don’t work/live near me. And cancelling arrangements where people had gone to a lot of trouble because “something’s come up” with the assumption that others where just sitting around perfectly able to be inconvenienced. It was a sort of competitive busy-ness with a dollop of martyrdom but also riding rough shod over everyone else. I found it irritating to be told I had no idea what busy was.

Mmmm, I’d forgotten about her (and of course she doesn’t describe every busy person!).

TurnAroundWhenPossible · 16/07/2019 15:13

I get what you're saying OP. Most of us have full lives, but you often encounter those who are 'busy fools' as my mum would say - one step forwards and two steps back. I've worked with a few over the years, who cultivate the appearance of being busy busy busy, and boy do they like to let you know it, but not actually achieving much. My DH is a bit like that, quick with the "I'll do it!" and then moaning that he's having to do it! Always on the move. I'm the opposite, never rush and take time to smell the flowers. I achieve just as much if not more than my blue arsed fly DH. It's to do with mental attituded, and yes some people just enjoy playing the martyr.

Original poster

user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 15:14

We love going to the car boot sale on Sundays and going out together

OP posts:

DearLady · 16/07/2019 15:15

I don’t do too much. I’m not rich, I have no kids, I don’t own my home.

I know others that have all of these things & work hard to keep the show on the road. I well believe that they’re busier than me. It’s not easy, but that’s what they want in life...

Folk have commented on my lifestyle, but I wouldn’t care for theirs. There are choices in life, like you say, everyone’s doing it differently. Just enjoy your own life!

fedup21 · 16/07/2019 15:17

Many couples need to both work full time-that’s not difficult to understand.

Kids clubs-they want to do them, so if you can, that’s also easy to understand.

PTA-I have to say, if I was full time and had loads of other stuff on, it probably wouldn’t be a priority.

RosaWaiting · 16/07/2019 15:17

OP I wonder how you feel about people who choose to have children and then moan how hard it is?

SuperSaturdaySteve · 16/07/2019 15:18

Out of my friends, the ones who say they're busiest are the ones who spend by far the most time on social media. Otoh, people I know who do a lot of eg. volunteering, don't talk at all about how busy they are.

(I find a middle path by just spending loads of time of social media but never complaining about my busy-ness which only comes about because I mismanage my time 😂)

RosaWaiting · 16/07/2019 15:19

PS I guess I just find your examples a bit weird.

there are certainly people who take on non-important stuff for martyr points, but the PTA and activities your DC want to do don't count.

Obviously working for a living isn't optional for most either!

arethereanyleftatall · 16/07/2019 15:20

Well, you're right @adaline, you don't have to take them. But, if they love it, and it's good for them; it would be the nice thing to do.

And, the reason i volunteer, is because I'm considerate. I recognise it benefits everyone, and it's either people helping or prices going up for everyone. If everyone helped a little bit, instead of leaving 100% of the load to the considerate few, then maybe there's be less moaning?

SuperSaturdaySteve · 16/07/2019 15:21

Also, talk of how busy you are is sometime a marker of how important you are. So sometimes those people talk about their busy lives because it is a status thing, they are important and valuable.

That's totally human, and I totally get it.

Also, there are a tonne of people who genuinely are rushed off their feet because of financial and family demands, and we all need to have a moan when life is hard.

BiddyPop · 16/07/2019 15:23

I enjoy most of what I do, and I can see the positive benefits for so many because of lots of what I do. I am finally enjoying doing something active just for me again. But lots has been o support my DD (ASD/ADHD) and she has come along so much because of the opportunities we’ve been able to give her. And things change over years - we’ve had times when we’ve been very focused on wider family needs, some on immediate family needs, and some where we can reach further for whatever reason. Lots of things don’t get done without someone volunteering, and we have the time and energy to do that. I’m not a huge fan of soap operas so I can do other things with my time instead (although I do enjoy sitting and relaxing watching a movie or certain tv programmes as well).

I could spend all my time gossiping over wine with friends. Or reading interesting books. Or having a mix of different things, some of which involve me being busy to help out other people - whether they live in my house, have other family ties, are friends, or have no prior links to me other than certain activities.

I occasionally MN also 🤣

Halloumimuffin · 16/07/2019 15:26

I think OP is talking about a specific type of person, not just all busy people.

I have a friend who you have to book in with about 8-9 months in advance. She will ring and apologise for not being able to attend in a way where you know she's not actually sorry, the point of the call is just for her to go on and on about all the important things she is doing and how in demand she is. It will be something like sorry I can't attend your wedding, but you only gave me 9 months notice (proceeds to tell me every single social or work event she has for the next 9 months) and I have to arrange a birthday party for my neighbours cat that day, and I'm SO ANNOYED I never get to come to anything.

It doesn't bother me much because people can spend their time however, but as you say, with this person it's a combination of martyrdom, a need to be needed and a need to sound more important than others.

Comefromaway · 16/07/2019 15:27

I guess its my choice to have a full time job, a dh who has a chronic illness which means he cannot drive, two children with SEN, one of whom requires significant input and numerous meetigs with school, other agencies etc and both children have "hobbies" that they hope to make into their career and in the case of ds, his hobby is what keeps him on the straight and narrow, socialising and not vegetating on an xbox. Plus a mil with dementia.

Purpletigers · 16/07/2019 15:28

I agree with you . So many people seem to rarely spend any time at home . It’s work /school , activities bed and repeat . Then Saturday has to be out for lunch or a walk or a cinema trip or blah blah ........
It’s like a rat race and not something I’ve ever been envious of . I’m with you on the moaning too , by all means be busy but when you start to moan about how terribly busy you are , you just sound like a dick ! Give your children lots of opportunities by all means but let them be children too .

Comefromaway · 16/07/2019 15:28

And yes I attend a monthly school/community group meeting becasue if I didn't I would never interact with anyone who wasn't a family member, teacher or health professional.

whothedaddy · 16/07/2019 15:28

Are you really moaning about people moaning?

BeyondMyWits · 16/07/2019 15:29

I now have a condition that limits my activities. So I am with you on the "good enough", life is hard enough without taking on other crap as well - but... my kids are mid-late teens now - they have lives as busy as they want them to be - one is a bustler, fills life with people and experiences, the other a home body where good enough is fine.

When they were younger we did stuff - mainly so they work out what stuff they liked doing.

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