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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why people are so busy

133 replies

user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 14:03

And take on so much stuff they don't need to do?

I often see it on here. Like this - "We both work in busy important jobs and then we have brownies, PTA lots of DC activities and we are so worn out and stressed!"

But the it is a choice no-one 'has' to do these things. Why not just stop doing it, or not take on so much in the first place? Confused

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 16/07/2019 14:48

I really don’t think it’s overcompensating or a need to be needed driving most people who volunteer for things on top of their usual responsibilities.

If you’ve ever tried to step down from a volunteer post (as per the PP poster and the crusading duty) the sheer gaping dearth of other volunteers is frightening. So you carry on because you believe it is important. I get absolutely no kudos or pleasure from my PTA stuff- it’s a giant pain in my arse. But I believe it’s important, and modelling social engagement for my children via volunteering is also important, so I carry on.

Would much rather not bother at all!

Original poster
user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 14:48

To the PP who said it is about putting your DC first and to having an 'easy life' sometimes Dc need you around, maybe that is more important than random affiliations to clubs and societies etc. Also some people out them in clubs so they don't have to deal with them. I don;t think it does Dc good to be highly stressed and shuttled about to stuff all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 14:50

I don't think parents should have to do the job of a lollipop man either. Why not get the council to take on a new one, instead of doing it for them?

OP posts:
adaline · 16/07/2019 14:51

I know exactly what you mean OP.

Nobody is saying people should give up their jobs or that DC shouldn't do out-of-school activities, but I do wonder how much of it is actually necessary.

I grew up in the nineties and I never went to millions of activities. Certainly my parents would never have signed me up to weekend activities - that was family time. Only a couple of my friends had weekend activities - they were definitely in the minority.

I really don't think doing activities everynight and at weekends is in any way necessary for children. It's good for kids to learn to relax and to have unstructured time to entertain themselves. That's not to say activities themselves are wrong, but I do think - "well, is it all totally necessary?" when I hear people complain about things that don't seem to bring any benefit to their lives whatsoever!

FudgeBrownie2019 · 16/07/2019 14:51

I get involved in local stuff (scouting, governors, volunteering for a fostering charity) because they're the things that matter to me and because I'm good at them. I want the DC to experience lovely extracurricular activities and part of that is being willing to step in and give up some of my time to allow other people's DC to enjoy them, too.

I'm absolutely not a martyr and love the fact that I'm in a position to be able to be part of our local community. A woman I know always says if you want something doing, ask a busy person. She's not wrong.

breakfastpizza · 16/07/2019 14:52

I don't think most people are busier than we were thirty years ago. We are all overstimulated though. Being connected to the Internet and social media 24/7. Non-stop news cycle. It's exhausting.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 14:53

And no, I'm not bored, just musing with a cuppa before the school pick up. Had a lovely day with my eldest in the gardens chatting and reading and thinking- yes this is the important thing, not packing them off to stuff. Sometimes you forget that.

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 16/07/2019 14:53

I'm sure when I was a kid in the 80's no one did "activities" apart from Brownies/Guides on a weekday and maybe swimming lessons on the weekend. And as for playdates Confused Why does everything have to be so damn structured nowadays?

UnaCorda · 16/07/2019 14:55

I think there are a lot of people whose identity and self-esteem is wrapped up in being busy and consequently feeling important or indispensible. I have a relative who literally never sends an email without mentioning how busy he is.

TheInvestigator · 16/07/2019 14:55

I am prioritising. I prioritise my kids having music lessons, learning a second language and having chances to try different sports over my own time to sit on my ass doing nothing. I could sit and do nothing at home, or I could make sure my kids do all those things. That means I'm busy, it means I'm tired, but that is me prioritising.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 14:56

I too grew up in the 70s and we just run wild. I think I feel nostalgia for that. You just went to school- no 'class reps' or 'whatsapp group for parents'. Played rounders, went to brownies in the hall. Ran about on the beach. It all just adds to the mental load and stresses people out.

OP posts:
WildAngel · 16/07/2019 14:56

So I'm not prioritising or don't have a level of awareness when I choose to give my kids the best opportunities I can?????
I do a 100 mile round trip 4 times a week to take my DS football - his dream - and potentially his career. Why wouldn't i do this when i'm able to?!?!?!

JacquesHammer · 16/07/2019 14:56

Had a lovely day with my eldest in the gardens chatting and reading and thinking- yes this is the important thing, not packing them off to stuff. Sometimes you forget that

I think you're incredibly naive if you think that being able to potter in the garden isn't a privileged position...

anothernotherone · 16/07/2019 14:58

user87382294757 who's going to get the council to employ a lollypop person? There's never been one. Maybe some volunteer should organise a petition and write emails and perhaps contact the local paper...

Mintjulia · 16/07/2019 14:59

I think of it as doing my best rather than being a martyr.

I’m a single mum and to provide a decent secure home for my ds, I work full time, I do all the school runs ( ex is absent not just lazy), I cook from scratch because I want both me & ds to eat well & be healthy.
I take ds to two sports activities a week so he is active and has at least two male role models. And I exercise, so I can carry on doing all of the above.

But I don’t moan unless I get flu and feeling poorly, which happens about once every 3 years, not often enough to feel guilty about.

For most of us, last week of term is a bit chaotic. It’ll pas Smile

ChangedNameForToday · 16/07/2019 15:00

YANBU - fully agree.

Wish my DH wasn't so damn busy all the time. It makes me tired watching him rush about so much! Plus I'm a little bit lonely cause he's so addicted to busy.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 15:00

I have PIP due to illness so depends if you think that is a privilege really. It does make me slow down a bit though yes.

Is there really a need to travel a 100 mile trip for football? Our DCs just do sports after school (if they like it) and you get them after. this is the kind of thing I mean!

OP posts:
VeThings · 16/07/2019 15:01

If you work FT, you want your DC to also have the opportunities to do clubs etc that their friends with PT or SAH parents do. So you make sure you arrange that for them.

Do you work FT? Are you single? If yes to both, do you not arrange anything for your DC because you are busy enough working FT and managing a household on your own?

NCforthis2019 · 16/07/2019 15:02

Wtf?! You’re moaning about other people moaning about being busy? Get a hobby.

VeThings · 16/07/2019 15:03

User you’re obviously at home to get your DC after their sport. What if you weren’t and DC have to go to after school care until 6pm? Would your DC never do a sport at weekend because your life is busy enough?

Original poster
user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 15:04

Yes my DC do things, the school has after school clubs for things and if they are interested they do it but is through school. does not involve a 100 mile trip or rushing around, in fact means more time as collect them later. School also does music lessons if they need that also.

OP posts:
DKmamma · 16/07/2019 15:05

It might be optional, but if it's for the benefit of your children (or others) you might do it even though you don't "need" to.

adaline · 16/07/2019 15:05

I think there are a lot of people whose identity and self-esteem is wrapped up in being busy and consequently feeling important or indispensible.

This is definitely true. I know people who will create jobs for themselves because they don't like to be "still" for whatever reason.

Original poster
user87382294757 · 16/07/2019 15:07

Mine are not that into sport so don't do it at weekends. We tend to spend time together at weekends, as a family.

OP posts:
shadypines · 16/07/2019 15:07

Looking at the replies you would have thought the OP said 'I'm really brassed off about all the moaning people do about being so busy' but no, it actually doesn't. The OP is just making an observation about the people around her being stressed because they are so busy, maybe she's concerned about the stress levels of some of them, who knows?

I often encounter parents ranting at their kids that they need to hurry up getting changed from swimming, ballet, gym etc etc as they have 6 birthday parties to go before the day is done and I just think 'FFS rein it in will ya'. There's happy busy and there's stupidly busy IMO.

Some of you need to back off a little

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