To not understand why people are so busy

[user87382294757]

And take on so much stuff they don't need to do?

I often see it on here. Like this - "We both work in busy important jobs and then we have brownies, PTA lots of DC activities and we are so worn out and stressed!"

But the it is a choice no-one 'has' to do these things. Why not just stop doing it, or not take on so much in the first place?

Until someone makes food, clothes and the roof over our heads magically free for everyone and/or magically makes easy, stress-free, part-time jobs pay the same as demanding, professional ones I will be continuing as I am.

Is this so hard to understand?

I just get fed up with listening to the moaning when people whose to do stuff on the first place. It was their choice after all. It gets frustrating when people moan and never change.

It’s your choice to listen to other people. It’s most annoying that you’ve chosen to do that and are now moaning about the content of the conversations.

I've noticed that when people on AIBU say that they "don't understand" things that other parents do (or don't do), this generally means that they want to sneer at it, but feel the need to pretend otherwise. For that alone YABU.

I'm at the end of my tether, being too busy at the moment, and your question is interesting. But for me currently, there is nothing I could cull without disappointing/disadvantaging my DC other than giving up my job. Not really an option, so...

It's not always about taking on too much or being a martyr, sometimes it's just that perfect storm of everything coming to a head at once. Or just that people have a lot of responsibilities that they can't or won't offload because they care about others.

Ironically the only person moaning here is you, OP.

People do prioritise - if they do it differently from you that doesn't make them wrong or you right. It would be the height of arrogance to assume that.

I understand the question OP.
Some people get tired more easily, some people need a lot of sleep, others have more drive and stamina.
But whatever you want and choose to do, especially when you have the choice, ie volunteering.
It then seems odd to complain about being so tired. Or overloaded.

Surely any life coach, even if they were advising re your career or personal life, would suggest that you consider this/ gave it some thought and cut back in one area?

Wonder if anyone ever read the "Idle parent". I found that quite good. We had some severe health issues, do a lot less these days. And yes work is needed, but not so much of the perfection / fuss / stuff I see on here. I think the DC need time more than anything, not being rushed about. We all rush too much. And some people don;t seem to be able to stop.

And some of the 'solutions' people give on here make it worse! Buy two washing machines and keep them going! That sort of thing. It's madness.

And take on so much stuff they don't need to do?

Always find the people who do take on all the stuff “they don’t need to do” are usually the ones who feel an obligation to give back to their community or give their kids experiences outside of school, and often if you work you feel it even more acutely that you have to fit in these activities for your children when you’re not at work & they’re not in after school club, meaning you have less free time.

I mean sure - it’s not compulsory, we could all say no. But life does get busy if you have kids, a job and a couple of outside responsibilities to commit to.

I shall continue to moan if I feel like it!

Yes, sometimes it can be a kind of virtue signalling - as in a sort of "Look how much we manage to cram into our busy lives, don't we deserve a pat on the back?" kind of way. They can just shut up.

Otherwise, they can gripe away - we all need a moan sometimes

I think it can also be a kind of overcompensating at times. Perhaps.

I think if families need two incomes then there isn't a lot they can do about their work life balance.
If it's a choice for both to work and run around taking their kids to activities they have far more choice over what they do and are very lucky.
Sometimes it's not difficult to get yourself in the position you want to be, with the perfect work/life balance for you, but it takes time and effort, maybe even compromise and sacrifices in other areas.
I'm happy but found the perfect balance.

Or a need to be needed.

I have the opinion that if everyone did a little bit of good for others, the world would be a much better place. So volunteering for the pta, guiding, scouting, cats protection, church, helping the elderly, anything. But so many people are ‘so busy’ that it’s the same people trying to volunteer for everything.

As the saying goes, ‘if you want something doing, ask a busy person’.

Basically OP -

Because some people realise that while it's knackering and they don't enjoy it at the time, many of these things like after school activities, arranging PTA events etc improve their child's life, and being a good parent is about making sure you do the best by your DCs, not make your own life as easy as possible.

I'm one of these. My job changed (not the title or the pay or hours, but what I do in the time I'm there, and the management chain). I have a lot less energy now I really dislike my job. I also have unrelated health issues that are going through a bad patch.
I've cut PTA right back - I help with the 2 events a year that suit me, and nothing during school time (as I'm at work).
I've adjusted my exercise.
I've called in some favours to give me time to job hunt / tidy up.
I've shifted swimming lessons to a weekend so their dad can do 50 % (with his wholehearted agreement).
I need to make 2 big changes, as all the rest is tinkering round the edges. Get a new job (which may entail less money and more hours) and recover from pmdd. Which won't be easy.

I do things I think are important - I do volunteer crossing patrol duty outside the primary school before school once per week because I don't want my smallest child or anyone else's to get run over. I've done it for 4 years running but wanted to stop this year because I am also working and studying. However nobody volunteered to take over and they were going to leave it uncovered - the volunteer coordinator was stepping down too and said "A child will be run over, but when they are the council will have to accept that they need to pay a lollypop person".

No bugger volunteers to do essential things which involve standing outdoors in a set position for an hour once per week year round whatever the weather, but hundreds of gushingly enthusiastic volunteers want to organise ridiculous whole class presents for the teacher which everyone else has to contribute to, or be one of a group of volunteers for one off visible, highly conspicuous things.

I know someone who does as you describe. And is always SOOOOOOO busy.

Truth is she's deeply unhappy and if she stops for a moment to breathe she may just realise it. So she doesn't stop being busy and 'important'.

Not saying that's everyone's reason though, of course.

Many people have no choice. They have to work long hours because they are on shitty, exploitative wages - this often means having more than one job. Some have dependent relatives (old or with a disability) they have to devote some time to on top of waged work. And most people with DC want to give them some hobbies or out-of-school interests, but can't get out of their other obligations, so just try to fit it all in. Lucky you, OP, if you are paid enough not to need to do overtime, have no elderly parents or PIL to visit and shop for or whatever, and your DC are either uninterested in activities or old enough to get themselves there and back.

When I'm too busy and overwhelmed I always look at what I can cancel.

I can't cancel work, or school, or parenting, so that leaves all the things i enjoy, so i cancel my runs and social life and then i feel really shit cause all i do is work and parent and sleep and household stuff...

can't win.

@user87382294757 I don't think I moan about it but I am really busy and it's frequently commented on. It is always the same doers in life and those who just let other people do it. If you're not a doer then be thankful for those who are (unless you or your children attend no PTA organised events/cubs/parkrun/reading at school etc which all rely heavily on volunteers.)

Two working parents, a couple of children with one post school activity each plus swimming lessons is the minimum for most families I know and still causes a lot of juggling. Add in household chores, shopping, parties, family events, holidays etc and life is pretty hectic with little room to cut out stuff. I don’t begrudge them a bit of a moan!

Martyrdom drives me nuts. I have a SIL who is the WORST for it. She will go on and on and on and on about being "so stressed" but it's all stuff she has volunteered for. She thrives on credit and praise so joins every group going but then never stops whingeing about all she has to do. I don't understand it, never will - nobody has asked her to do any of this? She has volunteered? And just so I don't have to dripfeed, she is like this in EVERY area of life - if there are family events she will take over and then complain that others don't pull their weight. If there are family visiting she will plan an itinery and volunteer to drive them round and then complain about it. So I do think that if you are doing something because you want to help, do it, and STFU.

I get involved because I’m asked to be involved.

Back in the day when I had small children my instinctive ‘get out’ was ‘but I have a full time job so...’. Then I realised that many families chose for one parent to go part time precisely so they could participate in this kind of thing.

So I got involved - whole range of PTA, school governor, baby sitting coop, sports club committee plus taking kids to a range of sports and social events. Because my children benefited massively from all these things, most depended upon voluntary support so what was my excuse for not offering my share of support?

Now they are adult and I’m on the committee of my own external interest group. I didn’t want to be, I’d prefer not to be (still got the full time job etc) but it’s a voluntary organisation and if people like me did not support then it would fold. I benefit greatly from it so I feel obliged to help when asked. Not a martyr, I do wish a few more would step up and help but realistically, voluntary organisations cannot run without volunteers.

Before kids, I had the choice to finish work, go home, slob in front of the tv, fell asleep and repeat. I chose to do interesting things in the evening. Weekends we mainly went away.

So I got "busy". Worked for me and made me happy.
Things changed when I had kids, but we are still "busy". Still much prefer that and still make us happy, and it benefits the kids massively.

There's too much time to potter around and nowhere near enough physical activities for children in this country. So I help mine out. 🤷

I feel sorry for you OP, you sound bored.

I'm just surprised at the lack of awareness of prioritising and wondering why people take on too much and then moan? No-one is telling anyone to do all that stuff.

It's always the same ones who do the voluntary work, and always the same ones who do nothing but whinge about the litter, nothing for kids to do, etc etc. Perhaps if it was more evenly spread out those who are currently busy could do less and the whingers could do more.