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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH change of job

104 replies

user1496146479 · 16/07/2019 12:44

First time posting!
Currently on maternity leave, with DD4. Other children are 8, 6 & 3. Both I and DH both work full time. I do some travel with work, think project related, DH travels on average once a quarter. Long before we ever got married or had kids, I've always said I don't want to bring up children in a house where I or him are away a majority of the time. Over the years his job has evolved and travel time away has fluctuated.
Last week he told me he has to take a new role which will means travel for upwards of 50% of the time, and that I should perhaps not go back to work to support it.
I am planning on going back to work, as I enjoy my role, the independence etc etc.
Logically with commuting times, older kids homework & activities it will be really hard on the whole family if I do go back to work and DH takes the new role.
I'm worried I will resent him if he does it and I'm forced to give up a job I enjoy. DH feels i I should support him and it'll be fine!?!

OP posts:
Benes · 16/07/2019 12:50

This should be a joint decision. My DH turned form a job because it would have meant that I couldn't have returned to my old job after mat leave.

Why should his job take precedence?

Benes · 16/07/2019 12:50

*turned down

Original poster
user1496146479 · 16/07/2019 12:56

Guessing his view is that he's the main earner. I earn a good salary, but couldn't fund all our expenses on just mine.

OP posts:
Benes · 16/07/2019 13:01

But there is more to work than a salary. You shouldn't be forced into a SAHP role if that's not what you want.
My DH earned more than me and the job would have meant an increase in salary but I wasn't prepared to see my career suffer. Having our child was a joint decision and he is as responsible for him as I am. He has to factor that into his career choices too.

Too many men don't and it's a huge issue.

Brefugee · 16/07/2019 13:06

Gosh no. You've already taken a hit on your career by being a SAHM. He's moving the goal posts.

RedSkyLastNight · 16/07/2019 13:07

Does he actually have a choice? I used to work in a role where I was expected to travel as required, which meant it could vary from none of the time to all of the time. So if you have a "rule" that he can't have a job that takes him away the majority of the time, then, potentially he needs to look for another job.

I don't think you are obliged to give up your job (sounds like he is just suggesting it). Do you have other options e.g. getting a nanny?

5foot5 · 16/07/2019 13:09

Could you afford a nanny to help out?

5foot5 · 16/07/2019 13:09

x-post

hellsbellsmelons · 16/07/2019 13:12

DH feels i I should support him and it'll be fine!?!
Why would he think that?
What? You just give up your career, future earning potential and pension so he can swan off 50% of the time and opt out of parenting HIS 4 kids.
No way.
He can't take the new role.
It's that simple.

NotStayingIn · 16/07/2019 13:13

Absolutely no. You both have jobs. In the new set up one person will have a ‘better’ job but the other has no job at all. Sod that.

Original poster
user1496146479 · 16/07/2019 13:56

@Redsky
As I said in my OP I get that some roles have travel, both of us currently travel. It's not that I have a 'rule' this is something that we have both discussed before marriage & kids and we agreed we didn't want for either of us to be away that much.
He is not forcing me as such to give up my job, but realistically if I don't, then I'll be trying to juggle four children, working FT, one hour commute, homework, DC activities etc on my own the majority of the time.

Getting a nanny is not really an option where we are. We do use a childminder when I'm at work who is fantastic, but they can't be expected to do homework/after school activities etc

OP posts:
Original poster
user1496146479 · 16/07/2019 13:59

When DH is here he is great. Does lots with children, bathing, washing, housework etc
It just feels like there is no solution to this that works... he either does the new role is practically never around, I'm run ragged doing it all - I worry I will resent him, job or not. .....Or he doesn't take the role/changes job and then he resents me for not supporting/holding him back!!
Sad

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/07/2019 14:03

My husband and I have always supported each other, but that support goes two ways, you don't make the other persons life so hard they need to give up work when they don't want to. That's shitty selfish behavuour.

Support means you support him to do his job and he supports you to do yours. If the new job means he can no longer support you and it has a huge negative effect, then he shouldn't take it.

He's being horribly selfish. He can take the new job but it would mean a live in nanny or something to pick up the slack.

KatharinaRosalie · 16/07/2019 14:10

He can't make such a decision without discussion, by just informing you that you have to support him. If he has decided to make such a massive change, what is his solution for childcare etc? No, 'wife will figure it out' is not what we're looking for here.

StCharlotte · 16/07/2019 14:12

he either does the new role is practically never around, I'm run ragged doing it all - I worry I will resent him, job or not. .....Or he doesn't take the role/changes job and then he resents me for not supporting/holding him back!!

It's a bit of a Catch 22 but I think you both have valid points.

If I were you, I would agree a time to discuss it and basically say what you've said here. See how he plans on alleviating your resentment (because we all know he's going to take the job).

Motoko · 16/07/2019 14:16

Well, he can't take this job then.

thetimekeeper · 16/07/2019 14:20

What Bluntness said, really...

hellsbellsmelons · 16/07/2019 14:23

and then he resents me for not supporting/holding him back!!
But he is holding you back.
Can you not see that?
You will soon resent him for the exact same reason.
There has to be a compromise and the 1st bit is him not accepting the new role as it is.

stucknoue · 16/07/2019 14:26

There's always other solutions. In most families one parent takes a back seat on their career or you need to buy in help - a good nanny/housekeeper keeps many two career families going, otherwise (cheaper but need the space) an au pair is good for older kids. Either of you giving up career opportunities is going to cause resentment so it's plan b time

Original poster
user1496146479 · 16/07/2019 16:17

@StCharlotte we have tried discussing but seems to end in argument or silence! DD4 is still only 8 weeks old, so I seem to end up in tears most of time.

We don't have space for an au pair unfortunately.

OP posts:
MegaClutterSlut · 16/07/2019 16:29

Personally I think he's being selfish. Being away 50% of the time with dcs, unless you badly need the money is a bit shit. Expecting you to give up work or run yourself ragged working and doing things with 4dcs is extra shit. Would he honestly do the same for you if roles were reversed?

Benes · 16/07/2019 18:05

I don't think there is a discussion to be had....it should 100% be a joint decision. This impacts on you negatively in so many ways where as it's all positive for him. If he can't see that then he really is incredibly selfish.

Elvesdontdomagic · 16/07/2019 18:33

Last week he told you this while you're at home with a new baby. What a crappy thing to do. It's not the time for you to be worrying about big life decisions!

He should turn this down. You have 4 kids together and you both work. It's doesn't make any logistical sense.

Chamomileteaplease · 16/07/2019 18:38

Added to all the other argument put forward on this thread - why would someone have four kids and then work away 50% of the time??

He sounds rather arrogant. Stick to your guns!

CottonSock · 16/07/2019 18:43

It would be a no way from me, and I only have 2 kids and work 3 days. It's a partnership

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