DH change of job

[user1496146479]

First time posting!
Currently on maternity leave, with DD4. Other children are 8, 6 & 3. Both I and DH both work full time. I do some travel with work, think project related, DH travels on average once a quarter. Long before we ever got married or had kids, I've always said I don't want to bring up children in a house where I or him are away a majority of the time. Over the years his job has evolved and travel time away has fluctuated.
Last week he told me he has to take a new role which will means travel for upwards of 50% of the time, and that I should perhaps not go back to work to support it.
I am planning on going back to work, as I enjoy my role, the independence etc etc.
Logically with commuting times, older kids homework & activities it will be really hard on the whole family if I do go back to work and DH takes the new role.
I'm worried I will resent him if he does it and I'm forced to give up a job I enjoy. DH feels i I should support him and it'll be fine!?!

@user1496146479 I only have 2 DCs but my DH was offered a role in his company with no immediate salary increase, but it was very much an "up or out" situation where if he didn't go for it, his prospects would have been seriously at risk. I'd take him at his word that he needs to go for this to keep his job unless you have some other reasons for not believing him.

So - if he does go for it, then you need to be solution oriented. You have 4 DCs, your own job, and a DH who travels, so you'll need a nanny or au pair. Work out with him how you're going to afford that. Or else you need to have a relative who is willing to come and stay and help when DH is away. Live out nanny is possible but otherwise, think about getting some of your DCs to share.

I think a lot of the advice you're getting is a bit naive about the realities of working life, some companies and positions really do expect you to take these opportunities and if you don't, you'll find yourself at the top of the list for redundancies or at the very least see people promoted over you as "punishment."

50% of his time away when you have 4 children is ridiculous.
He shouldn’t take the role now.

A slightly different viewpoint- my dad travelled a lot for work when I was little. When he was home he was tired, busy catching up with stuff or out playing/watching sport. I have very few memories of him except on our holidays. I made it abundantly clear to my share that our dc would not live like that. He gave up a very good job that involved about 50% travel for our family and says he doesn’t regret it as he sees dc every day and is home in time to do bedtime stories.

• dh not share

I just asked as I know a few people who use nannies and none of them live in the house with them (why would they want to? It's a job!)

In this sort of situation, a nanny is a really good option. Why would you not be able to get one? You don't need a live in you could just have a live out nanny.

Absolutely no way would this be ok with me. Not what you signed up for or agreed to.
It doesn’t matter if refusing hurts his future career prospects, that’s just tough I’m afraid!!

Thinking about it again- no extra money- hmm. Yes he should have to tell you how he is going to pay your pension and extra cash for additional support as he won’t be. He currently sees it as you will absorb all the extra strain, not that it’s something he needs to input to.
My husband may well tell me in the future that working a day from home will impact his career, but I will point out that it didn’t bother him when debilitating pregnancies and several mat leaves impacted mine and that’s the cost of having a family.

Thinking about it some more, I'm with @Marmalady75 - my dad was away for around 6 months a year when I was a kid (from before i was born - military family) although when he was there he was incredibly hands on in all family things (unlike most of his colleagues).

It's important to you, OP, to work, and if your DH is facing "it's this way or the highway" I'd be inclined to sit down and work out how it is going to be when you go back to work. A nanny sounds ideal (if you have separate finances, make sure you're both contributing equally to that).

Outside help will also give you breathing space for things like the gym, going out with friends and looking after your MH - all important for being a mum.

Thanks for all the responses.

We live quite rural - think not possible to get shopping or takeaways delivered! Nearest village is a ten minute car drive. Unlikely to be easy to find a nanny to travel here. Took months to find the cleaner we had while we were both working, even then they would only come after to come once a month for a full day instead of weekly! 
But may need to look into it again if this comes to pass.

DM has passed away a few months before DH & I met. My DF is nearby & does help/spend time with the older DC, but he also works FT.

DH meeting to find out more has been moved to tomorrow so unfortunately we have no more information yet.

@edgeofheaven - I do believe it to be like what you have described. I would expect salary & benefits etc to increase in the longer term, but all that doesn't help/solve the here & now and the impact.

Haven't got as far as what to do re pension contributions etc, I currently pay the max I can into my pension.

You sound like you've accepted he is taking on this new role? If it's not in his contract it isn't a simple process to force him to change.

You have FOUR DC! the only option with working FT, travelling and having 4 DC is probably to get help -- serious, reliable, real, flexible help. Agree with others , you have to get "solution oriented" here.

Do NOT give up a job you want to keep. Even for someone who wants to stay at home, parenting 4 DC without a partner or nanny or au pair around could get overwhelming very quickly.

I also think you could push back on the 'we all need our own room' principle. Actually your DC might benefit more from sane parents who are working, financially stable and reasonably happy, even if they have to learn to sleep in the same room, than from having their own rooms. And having an au pair will be much cheaper than a nanny. Give your DC x% of what the nanny would have cost, into a bank account, and a monthly unlimited ice cream choice at the local whatever ice cream place. (That'd sort it for mine...)

I'm assuming the Op planned on doing the parenting with her partner - why should she have to accept doing it with an au pair/nanny instead? We have no idea, nor does the OP, to what extent this is a forced move or one the dh quite fancies becomes of its career enhancing potential. If this happened to the Op, would she accept the job? Why should her husband? I don't think she needs to be solution focused when the best solution is not create the problem in the first place.

You need to stop coming up with "why it can't work" but with him come up with how it could work.
Ideas: Get a Nanny - if live in Children have to share rooms. Or could you have an extension? Or is there another room that could be a bedroom (dining room?)
You move - closer to your work! And somewhere you can get live out Nannies and cleaners etc. (As well as delivered food, groceries etc.)
He turns down this job offer.
You all relocate to near where he will be working - you change job or commute for work.
Or you choose to give up your career - take it in another direction.

Just wow.

Surely a nanny would be just as cost effective for 4 children as a child minder would be and give you tge flexibility you require.

You say you worry about resenting him if you give up your job/ have to cope with everything if you stay on but what if he resents you for not letting him have his turn as you say he puts it.

Or he doesn't take the role/changes job and then he resents me for not supporting/holding him back!!

You wouldn’t be holding him back. It’s life and the fact he needs to be around to parent his kids, and support you that means he can’t get to put his career first. I’ve not been able to prioritise my career the way I’d have really wanted because my husbands hours means I can’t drop everything for it due to having the kids, it’s just life.

There’s no way I’d be giving up my job, career and financial independence to become a SAHM with 4 kids while he gets to swan around climbing the ladder. No chance.

With 4 kids both full time with one 50% travel sounds like madness. Don't give up your job unless you want to. He needs to turn this down right now. for crying out loud you've got 4 kids Inc. a tiny colicky baby not getting enough sleep & he lands this on you?

"I don't think she needs to be solution focused when the best solution is not create the problem in the first place."

Totally agree! For starters I'm finding it VERY hard to believe that he's actually being "forced" to take this "promotion" with no extra pay! Employers - even with the serious erosions in employee rights - cannot do that!

I still strongly suspect this is op's dh's attempt to dip out of parental responsibilities and coerce op into becoming a sahm against her wishes - just to be absolutely certain (because we've had posters do this before - calling a dp dh!) are you actually legally married? Because if not it's a definite "hell no!" Because you'd have zero protections if everything goes belly up! I think op should do some digging to find out if this REALLY was dh's employers suggestion or if dh has requested this role - do you have any contacts with his workplace op?

Even if you are married, this is NOT what you and he agreed! You had those 4 DC on the understanding you'd properly co-parent and neither would be away for work reasons more than X amount - and frankly he's bloody reneging on that!

In addition if his employment really is SO precarious that he feels he isn't in a strong position to say no to such requests from his employer, if it's an industry that's currently struggling (which the lack of pay rise would suggest is the case) - then actually that's even MORE reason for op to keep her job in case dh is made redundant! Might be worth pressing this point with dh and VERY carefully noting his response.

Ultimately there is ALWAYS a choice. Nobody can actually be forced into taking a certain job or position. As I said I'm really not convinced there's not at least an element of his WANTING to do this and be away from the family so much.

Also, slightly off topic but how come you're living somewhere so rural? Is that where "home" is or has that been a choice you've made and if so at who's suggestion? Because to be quite honest with 4 DC, I live rurally though not quite as cut off as you are and only have 1 DC and it is murder as they reach the preteen and teen stage as there's so little for them to do - and idle hands can be the Devils plaything to be honest! Where I live there's high crime, high drug and addiction issues and even the good kids act out occasionally out of boredom and frustration. If you can, I would recommend moving to somewhere less cut off.

I really do think he's taking the piss and you op need to not take this lying down!

HE Is the one that's trying to move the goalposts!

As I think I said in my earlier post, it is NOT his turn it is his kids turn! HE agreed with you to have 4 kids and not to do a load of travelling, completely out of order to drop this on you now!

I seem to be having issues seeing the comments so appologies if I'm going over what's already been said.

Work career and parenting need to be joint decisions. I don't think it's overly realistic to absolutely stick to pre children/plans made when LOs are tiny. Life then and a few years later can change so much more than anticipated. Whilst money and career may not have been a priority initially, maybe it needs to be temporarily now in order to have a better standard of life in the long run? Of course this depends on your definition of an improved standard of life.

Whatever change it is , it needs to be one that you can both agree-or reach a compromise on. What was agreed in previously may not be the best decision now. Explore all options and rationale, change can be very difficult. I went from working 15 hrs per week (in theory with a small child) to working 60hrs a week and getting a PHD. 5 years of hell and yes I do feel I bypassed my FB early teens (DH was at this point working minimal hrs supervising head teachers- not our plan!) But have been able to go back to very part time on a very good wage (in our eyes, not some of the mind blowing wages I've seen here) and had 2 more children that we wouldn't have on my old wage. Of course this approach may not work for others at all, hence discussion pros/cons and lots of thinking together required! Hope it goes well whatever you decide!

Thanks for the replies!
Discussed this with DH over the weekend. He has spoken to his boss and it sounds like he should be able to decline this role without it massively impacting his career progression options.
He hasn't got any further information yet on the role, duration etc, as he needs to sign an NDA to get briefed on it further.

He has told his immediate boss that having spoken with his wife that the price would be too high personally to take a role that entails 50% travel.

He is currently travelling long haul this week & again next week on already agreed trips.
But fingers crossed that this role won't be happening!

That sounds good OP.

That’s great OP! Hoping for the best outcome for your family.

Great outcome, OP. He would have been unbelievably selfish to take on that role and tell you to suck it up and not go back to work. That would have been a massive mistake on your part.

Sounds promising - but also sounds to me as if he wasn't entirely honest about his "having" to take the role in the first place.

Be conscious of his possibly gradually increasing how much he's away or taking on projects/responsibilities that "temporarily" include more travel.