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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH change of job

104 replies

user1496146479 · 16/07/2019 12:44

First time posting!
Currently on maternity leave, with DD4. Other children are 8, 6 & 3. Both I and DH both work full time. I do some travel with work, think project related, DH travels on average once a quarter. Long before we ever got married or had kids, I've always said I don't want to bring up children in a house where I or him are away a majority of the time. Over the years his job has evolved and travel time away has fluctuated.
Last week he told me he has to take a new role which will means travel for upwards of 50% of the time, and that I should perhaps not go back to work to support it.
I am planning on going back to work, as I enjoy my role, the independence etc etc.
Logically with commuting times, older kids homework & activities it will be really hard on the whole family if I do go back to work and DH takes the new role.
I'm worried I will resent him if he does it and I'm forced to give up a job I enjoy. DH feels i I should support him and it'll be fine!?!

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/07/2019 18:49

Wow

He 'has' to take this job? What happens if you turn it down? You should support him? It's a marriage. You support each other. Where is he supporting you in enabling you to fulfil your career aspirations? So you get to have no job at all to enable him to have a slightly better one? How is that fair?

What is financially better for the family? Bearing in mind that although you earn less than him, that's taxed less and still gives a pension...I think you have to earn a lot lot more to make it worthwhile giving one job up when you look st what you both bring home net and put into pension pots etc

He doesnt seem to want to discuss this, it's like he is telling you what to do and sulking when you disobey!

Original poster

user1496146479 · 16/07/2019 20:21

He did support me last year with my career, I had one long haul trip and a night or two overnights a month for a project, but nowhere near as much as 50% travel. His view point is it's his turn now.

OP posts:

Benes · 16/07/2019 21:22

That's in no way comparable.

BikeRunSki · 16/07/2019 21:26

No way would I step back from my career to that extent to facilitate DH to further his.

Jobs are not just about salaries, what is more important, is the time you do not need to be available.

Motoko · 16/07/2019 21:30

That's not comparable! That was temporary, and not 50% of the time.

Motoko · 16/07/2019 21:32

What's the betting he ignores you, and goes ahead and takes the job?

What will you do then, OP?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/07/2019 21:35

Nope. I'd be standing firm on this. Stay in the job if you want to, don't leave a job you are happy in!

He knew the deal. He needs to either negotiate the role down to a max 25% travel or not take it.

Who makes 4 kids then effs off for half their lives?

Rtmhwales · 16/07/2019 21:39

Does the new role come with a substantial pay increase? If it does, could you then afford to hire in a nanny or au pair to pick up his slack?

Mummyshark2018 · 16/07/2019 21:41

Unless your dh has to take this job, like there's no other option (he's unemployed or soon to be) and you need the money then I think he should be looking for another solution that best meets the needs of your whole family unit. No way would I want my dh to be away 50% of the time, and we only have one dc and pets, not 4 dc, one which is a newborn. Is he proposing that this would be a long term job or is it a short term contract?

user1474894224 · 16/07/2019 21:42

OK I'm going to get flamed for this....but here goes.....does his new job pay enough for you all to live well? If so - why not treat it as a gift. A gift that you can now spend time with your darling children. Life isn't all about work. Life isn't all about 'protecting yourself in case you ever split from your partner' - which occasionally MN seems to promote. Your children will only be this small for a few years. They will only need you this much for a few years. Have an amazing time watching them grow, guide them, nurture them, look after them. Enjoy this time with your family.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/07/2019 21:46

I think it's a bit different supporting someone through a project, to a permanent job

Benes · 16/07/2019 21:46

What if the op doesn't want to do that user?
What if she enjoys her job? What about her career progression ( which will almost certainly be harmed by taking an extended career break) what about her pension?

Not everyone wants to be a SAHP. I wouldn't see this as gift....quite the opposite.

HeyMicky · 16/07/2019 21:51

JFC, user. Why should OP's husband not be around to grow, guide and nurture the children? If "life isn't all about work" then surely that applies to both parents? Why should only one take the hit? And it's about far more that protecting income - it's progression, self worth, social contact, and numerous other benefits.

OP, he's not being fair, DH has travelled a lot and I carried the can for 5 years. He recently took a new job because my travel was ramping up and the key criteria was he would be around more to facilitate this.

You need to function as a partnership, and him imposing his will is not partnership.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/07/2019 21:56

I wouldn't see it as a gift. I love working! Feeling forced by dh to give up my job would seriously screw my marriage.

Namenic · 16/07/2019 22:03

How much would the extra money mean? Does he want the new job to pay off debts or because then he can save more for children if they want further education (do take into account that it is better in general to share income between 2 people as it would be taxed less)? Or does he want it for own job satisfaction?

Is it worth kids missing out on him being around? As well as the impact on your career?

Original poster

user1496146479 · 16/07/2019 22:13

We discussed it briefly tonight. Baby has colic so it's difficult to have time to long chats!
He is speaking to his boss tomorrow to get more information - when this would start, location etc. It's supposed to be for a project, duration unknown, but I know that once you open the door to traveling that much it's hard to pull back, it is assumed you keep doing it.

He feels he might not be able to turn it down without negatively impacting his future career options. I also work in a large global company so I guess the rational side of me can understand that to an extent.

@user1474894224 the point is the lack of choice! If I stay working I will either spend the week on the road, commuting, kids activities etc, or I would have to limit kids activities meaning they miss out on those as well as having their dad around all the time.

Like @StCharlotte said it's a catch 22!

Would not mean any increase in salary at this point, in the future maybe!

OP posts:

shiningstar2 · 16/07/2019 22:19

Ideally neither should be in a position where their career is compromised but this of course easier said than done with 4 young children. I think the only people who manage this are those who have outside help. It doesn't have to be live in but as far as I can see the only way you can both proceed with your careers is to buy in cleaning and child care help. Only you and dh can work out if this is feasible and affordable bearing in mind its less childcare intensive as they get older.
If you have a young baby op you will be tired and stressed with possibly hormones all over the place. Maybe not the best time for important decisions if they can be delayed. But there are definitely no easy answers. Regardless of rights and entitlements on both sides, in the end, where there are children to consider, it often comes down to the practical necessity of best options for material provision. Nothing is ever perfect. Hope it works out.

user1474894224 · 16/07/2019 22:35

I was merely offering an alternative position....just in case you forget that staying home with kids is not a punishment and can be a blessing. I know it isn't for everyone. But honestly I have 3 and even without pushing them to do loads of extra curricular activities - we struggle to keep one day 'free' for friends over. The taxi service starts at 3:15 and is busy (with tea) until 7:30 mon, 6:30 tues, 7:45 thurs and 9:00pm Friday - then there are weekend sports and music.....I love that my kids are able to attend these things. I love that this week I could go to Leavers Service, New School Coffee Morning, Governor Meetings, Assembly etc etc - this is a particularly busy week as last week of term....but there is always stuff......I deliberately gave up a good career for this. Partly because of the travelling in my role and partly because I know kids are a gift and I want to do these things for them (I do know how lucky I am that my partner supports me in this).

user1474894224 · 16/07/2019 22:37

....if his salary doesn't increase with him being away more then you should definitely ask what he stands to gain? - As he will be missing out on the kids growing up too.....which can be bearable when you see some benefit somewhere.....but for his salary to stay the same makes no sense....

Phineyj · 16/07/2019 22:39

It's funny isn't it, how this wonderful 'gift' nearly always gets offered to women...I have literally never heard a man being subjected to that line of argument.

No compensating extra money? No, then.

I don't really understand why a nanny's not an option, however.

Nandocushion · 16/07/2019 23:13

I'd like to know why the nanny isn't possible either. It would seem to be a good solution.

thetimekeeper · 16/07/2019 23:19

Forcing your partner to give up their job - whether that's by saying "I forbid you from working" or by making it impossible for them to continue working - is not, in my view, the act of a loving or respectful or supportive partner.

When he supported you with your last project, did that involve him quitting his job? Because unless it did then it's in no way equivalent or comparable to what he is demanding of you.

Percypigparade · 16/07/2019 23:27

Regardless of its impact on my job, I couldn't accept my dh wanting to be away from our children for 50% of the time. Would you have had a 4th knowing he was planning to do this?

timeisnotaline · 16/07/2019 23:39

If it’s his turn now he can plan his 2 nights a month travel then. That’s not what he’s saying - he’s saying you are looking after the family and the 8week old baby and he’s not going to be there for you anymore. It’s not you need to support him, it’s he isn’t going to support you. 3 kids plus an 8 week old is hard - how is he planning to support you in jointly bringing up your children? You didn’t have them on your own.
If you go ahead with it it would be a time limited and he quits his job if he can’t negotiate back to a very limited travel schedule if it were me. And he needs to tell you how he will support his children. He can’t do any fun weekends away while he’s on this gig - he’s given all his extra hours to his job, any thing else is owed to his family. I wouldn’t agree anything else given how he’s handed it to you as a done deal and your job doesn’t matter.

Original poster

user1496146479 · 16/07/2019 23:52

We have or at least will not have (once baby moves into their own room) any where for a nanny to sleep!

OP posts:

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