DH change of job

[user1496146479]

First time posting!
Currently on maternity leave, with DD4. Other children are 8, 6 & 3. Both I and DH both work full time. I do some travel with work, think project related, DH travels on average once a quarter. Long before we ever got married or had kids, I've always said I don't want to bring up children in a house where I or him are away a majority of the time. Over the years his job has evolved and travel time away has fluctuated.
Last week he told me he has to take a new role which will means travel for upwards of 50% of the time, and that I should perhaps not go back to work to support it.
I am planning on going back to work, as I enjoy my role, the independence etc etc.
Logically with commuting times, older kids homework & activities it will be really hard on the whole family if I do go back to work and DH takes the new role.
I'm worried I will resent him if he does it and I'm forced to give up a job I enjoy. DH feels i I should support him and it'll be fine!?!

Why on earth does a baby need its own room?

Bung two kids in togather/keep the baby in with you and there's space for an au pair. And if that doesn't appeal, get a day nanny.

DH feels i I should support him and it'll be fine!?!

Why doesn’t DH want to support YOU and YOUR job?

If he takes this job, you go back to work after ML and you somehow find room for a nanny, how much would the children see one of their parents?

@MitziK
Three older kids currently have their own rooms, all are very good sleepers. They haven't slept well anytime we share (suck it up for short term holidays etc), so baby will have its own room once older same as others.

On travel weeks kids would him on weekends I guess!

I'm not making any decisions on my job until the end of my ML in any respect.

Is he going to make up the shortfall in your pension? Putting in what you and your employer would put in and upping it year-on-year?

His dad would have traveled a lot when he was a child.... so it's as if DH sees it as normal?!

Christ, I thought this job would mean an increase in pay! So, if you do stop working, you'll be worse off financially.

He shouldn't even be considering it. And I'm not sure I believe that it would be detrimental to his career, but if it would be, perhaps he should be looking for another job.

No, I wouldn't be ok with my life partner being away over half our life together. Maybe for a year or two but not at the expense of my career and aspirations. You are a person too not a baby maker.

What Motoko said - if the new role for DH doesn't have any increase in $$ and he wants you to become a SAHM you'll be worse off financially both now and in your retirement, unless he is going to be making your pension payments.

Sounds to me like he’s trying to opt out of parenting 4 kids and just wants to be around enough to do the fun stuff. . He’s not even getting extra money.

“Or he doesn't take the role/changes job and then he resents me for not supporting/holding him back!! ”

I don’t think you have to put him first here OP. You said you’ve already discussed this in the past and he is now changing the rules on you. He is the one causing the resentment here. So many men treat parenthood as though it’s an add on to any life they care to choose to have rather than something that requires sacrifice sometimes. Don’t become resentful and give up your financial wherewithal (which, you indicate, is already less than his) in order to stop him becoming resentful. Put your foot down about the cost he would be forcing on you against your will if he took the job.

"He feels he might not be able to turn it down without negatively impacting his future career options" and?? That's life! Especially when you CHOOSE To have 4 DC which he clearly did. It's no different to the impact on YOUR career from having the DC!

He's being a selfish arse!

And no extra money? Nah! He's taking the piss!

It is NOT his turn now it is his kids turn! They only get one childhood and he only gets one chance at raising them and being a father! He needs to get a clue!

"Sounds to me like he’s trying to opt out of parenting 4 kids and just wants to be around enough to do the fun stuff" just what I was thinking

He feels he might not be able to turn it down without negatively impacting his future career options

Hands up anyone here who took any amount of ML and had their career impacted...

Being a SAHM is the "gift" that nearly screwed my marriage and my mental health. Fortunately my DH took the 2nd part of our #2's parental leave and I got back into the swing of working outside the home. After that was up we had a childminder and did a LOT of juggling (also impacted my career but not as much as not being at work would have done) and we've come out of the other side whole.

You say you earn a good salary, and he will not get any raise. So you will be worse off and he will not be there for half of the time. I really fail to see why you would support this.

Absolutely not. What if he leaves you one day. You would be left with no independence.

Hi sorry if this is in the wrong place but desperate for help! Not sure how to start a new thread. I live with my partner and her 5 yr old girl and we are expecting a new arrival at the end of October. I have a full time job that I work 35 hours a week working. Things have become hard at work with Rota and contract changes and am looking for any advice on hours working?
We receive universal credit and when I checked through the calculator we could be on the same income if I dropped a lot of my hours, I spend a lot travelling to work too so added bonus! Just wondered if anyone with knowledge or a similar situation could give me any advice, thank you very much to anyone that could help !

OP why not look for a daily nanny if no room for live in?

You are probably best off starting your own thread @Leeds22.

This mite sound silly but I looked around and couldn’t find the option to

You need to move your DM in.

Isn't the solution simple? Make two kids share, they will get over it, and get a live in nanny.

User we both work full time and still manage to attend all the things you mention. Don't assume working parents miss out on all of this.

I'm able to do this because I continued to work and have progressed into a role that allows a serious amount of flexibility.

Agreed Benes. DH and I work FT and one of us, and sometimes both, is always at sports day, school play, music recital etc with DC.

“we agreed we didn't want for either of us to be away that much.”

Your DH is now going against what you agreed above isn’t he?

It's not you that hasn't supported him. It's the fact that he's a parent. If he were a single dad he couldn't take this. If he did and you were offered a similar role would he quit and support you? No. It sucks but you have to make sacrifices when the kids are little. Tell him there will be another chance in 4/5 years time when things are easier.