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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for some input regarding child's report.

35 replies

Harleyisme · 16/07/2019 08:27

This is a teacher or school dissing thread or a boasting thread.

I have a ds 5 in reception class who has suspected asd and suffers bad anxiety.

Has has juat got an amazing report saying no issues at all. Thing is he refuses to go to school alot and i have to make him. He locks himself in bathroom clings to school gates takes persuading to stay in class. He has meltdowns in school at times hes struggled with a situation which they have told me hes even come out of school in a state a few times. So i am so confused on how they have said he is in his report as its conflicts with how he presents. School say at such a young age he wouldn't be able to mask to such a degree but hes so stressed and worked up about school before and after school that i can't mention anything with him losing it. Is it possible he can mask this much? I have noticed when he doesn't like something he says my mum won't or doesn't like that he seems to scared to say he doesn't like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harleyisme · 16/07/2019 08:28

Grr mwnt to say this not a teacher or school dissing thread not that it is 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Strongecoffeeismydrug · 16/07/2019 08:32

Highly possible he can mask at that age however as he moves through the school and work demands are placed on him he won't be able to mask all day long.

herculepoirot2 · 16/07/2019 08:34

You can’t really ask for input. They are reporting to you, so they have to write it the way they see it. How long ago were his issues in school? If recent you can ask for the report to be altered to reflect their verbal feedback, but if the issues were months ago they probably won’t.

herculepoirot2 · 16/07/2019 08:36

And do bear in mind that he might not be “masking”. The environment might be the relevant factor. That isn’t to sound critical, it may just be that the school is meeting his needs.

Original poster
Harleyisme · 16/07/2019 08:36

The issues are constant if anything hes had more as the year goes on. I will be asking them about it today. My question really was about masking.

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 16/07/2019 08:36

Agree with strong coffee. My DN managed to mask it until he was about 8? Terribly violent at home. He would save it all up in school until he got home and took it out on his family.

Then he just got to a point where he couldn't contain it any longer. DN has various conditions so that's a slightly different situation perhaps.

Is he being bullied? Is that why he doesnt want to go?
Do you know the reason for him hating school?

pelirocco123 · 16/07/2019 08:36

I am not bashing teachers , but in my experience I suspect they have a few set report phrases and use them at random lol

VivienneHolt · 16/07/2019 08:38

If the school were meeting his needs, would he be exhibiting so much distress about going?

It’s worth talking to them OP, to get to the bottom of what is happening.

Original poster
Harleyisme · 16/07/2019 08:40

Be tells me schools to busy. He says its to hard that writing hurts. That he hates how its changed over the year from playing to all work. Hes scared to go into year 1 as its all work he will no longer get snack its a new play yard and at play times he will have to play out where as he doesnt now. He finds the dinner hall to much. He says school stress him out and that its all just to hard to cope and manage with. He has woth my help tried to tell school but he ends up getting to scared and changing the subject. I do tell school but get told they don't see it.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 16/07/2019 08:47

Having had reports where my son was referred to as she and by another child name, with wrong information given, if I was in the OPs shoes I'd be wondering if it was the right report.

For context my son attended a special needs school where classes were small - think 8 students maximum. If they could get them wrong imagine what its like for a class of 30

herculepoirot2 · 16/07/2019 08:49

I would definitely want the report to accurately represent what his teachers are seeing. Have a meeting with them.

CherryPavlova · 16/07/2019 08:51

Or perhaps he’s worked out how to get maximum fuss and response from you? Maybe it’s behavioural rather than pathological?
Could you perhaps take less tolerant attitude towards his behaviour by being bright and breezy and taking a no nonsense approach?

herculepoirot2 · 16/07/2019 08:56

do tell school but get told they don't see it.

There is every chance it is just for you.

Gatoadigrado · 16/07/2019 09:05

Have you not discussed this with the school during the year? It does seem extreme that he’s so difficult with you but then copes well in school. Having said that, it’s not unknown, children can present in very different ways in differing environments and the purpose of the school report is to state how he’s progressing academically and in other ways from their observations. I really doubt if he were carrying on the way he is with you, they’d just say everything is fine

You need a meeting to explain what’s going on at home and his anxieties about the transition to next year

C305 · 16/07/2019 09:13

Is there a section for parent comments on the report? We have a section where parents can make a formal comment on our reports and also an 'optional' parents evening the week that the reports go out (this was initially something I set up for my parents of children with SEND as an option for them to meet with me as senco to discuss anything, but now mostly just involves the class teachers). If there isn't an option for that, then I would write & sign/date a comment anyway just on a separate bit of paper with your feedback, including (but not necessarily limited to) the concerns you have and ask for it to be filed with your child's report in their school file. This is what I'd encourage any of my parents to do if there weren't any systems in place and I can't think of any reason why any school would have an issue with that personally. If you're not keen on something like that, maybe send an email following your meeting (if you manage to get one) to summarise what was said so that if anything comes of it over the next few years, you have the evidence (I hate using that word but!) for any further discussions. Good luck🍀

MadamHattie · 16/07/2019 09:19

Totally get what you are saying. We have regular meetings for our ds as he has a few issues so is on the sen register. We hear how he struggles with different things and yet his school report says all is fine and dandy when I know full well it isn't.

PlinkPlink · 16/07/2019 09:25

He sounds very anxious. It's entirely possible the teachers haven't seen it but it would be worth asking to be sure.

Have you tried helping him calm himself ... things like kids meditation or kids yoga? Something that allows him to de-stress and unwind. I realise that makes me sound like a right hippy but it worked for a time with my DN and it works for me... might help him?

Littlefish · 16/07/2019 09:53

Yes, it's entirely possible that he could be masking. Dd is 14 and it's only a move to a new school that has meant she can't mask as effectively as she used to. I've always suspected she was on the spectrum. She was great at school, but oppositional and explosive at home.

The new school have had her assessed by an Ed Psych and he sees ASD and ADHD behaviours.

Keep the lines of communication open with school. Give feedback on the report if you can, so that the school has your opinions in writing. Copy in the SendCo too.

Rachelover40 · 16/07/2019 09:55

pelirocco123 Tue 16-Jul-19 08:36:35
I am not bashing teachers , but in my experience I suspect they have a few set report phrases and use them at random lol

That's exactly what I thought.

shithappens123 · 16/07/2019 10:01

Is home school an option? And perhaps see what other kind of support you can get for him

Waveysnail · 16/07/2019 10:09

I think reports can be difficult. I have sen kids in mainstream. Ds2 report was lovely, gently said that he had worked hard in his difficult areas - generally a bit fluffy BUT I know the teacher well, we are on the same page and he has an echp eoth full time 1:1 so I'm happy enough. Dc3 report was upsetting tbh very scathing - he also has fulltime 1:1 and echp. I felt the report dodnt need to be so blunt tbh as hes only 5

Original poster
Harleyisme · 16/07/2019 11:14

Yes i have reported though out the year about issues. One example was where he didn't understand something came home very upset i told his teacher and she said i know he doesn't understand it but his report says hes fine in these sort of areas its like they have in meetings though out the year, parents evenings and when talking is about a different child.

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herculepoirot2 · 16/07/2019 11:36

It’s quite likely the class teacher is also only allowed to make positive statements. Do ask that question.

Original poster
Harleyisme · 16/07/2019 12:32

Hes not aggressive and naughty hes upset and sobbing. He will snap at any mention of school. I don't actually discuss school with him as he gets very upset when i do. We talk when hes upset and stuggling to sleep and i ask him why. I have made it clear to him i am hear when he wants to talk but i can't bring it up first. I don't pander to him i am very much been promoting his confidence. I have always reaffirmed how amazing he is and spoken to him only positivly like telling him he can do it and encouraging him to try. I don't think its behvaiour to get attention as hes the kind of child that prefers his own attention.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 16/07/2019 12:40

He may just be struggling with the transition to a more academic style of learning. Ask for a meeting and try to get to the bottom of what is actually happening at school. If he’s coping, that’s good news.

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