To take baby to funeral?

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Not a family funeral. Baby is 4 months old and generally very calm. Would sit at back and slip out if he started crying or fussing. Would this be unreasonable?

Just to repeat: the very first four words of the OP are not a family funeral

I think it’s ok. Stand right at the back and leave if the baby plays up. I’d Cary the baby and not take it’s of baby paraphernalia so it’s as low key as possible. Even if you don’t end up going to the actual service you can give your respects.

Thanks everyone so much for your opinions, and I'm so sorry to those of you who are dealing with losses

It's for DH's best friend's mum, and we're close to the best friend, his wife and children. DH's best friend doesn't much like whimpery babies at the best of times so I think best I don't take the baby just in case.

Not sure I'll be able to find childcare but I'd rather be absent than disruptive

As far as I could tell, nobody felt it inappropriate and if they did, that's their issue

Or to put it another way: "If they don't like it - tough"

Not, perhaps, the most sympathetic way to view mourners' possible feelings?

Those who say there should be no laughing and joking at a wake, do you honestly believe the deceased would want you all to sit there and barely engage in conversation /look appropriately sombre? Or would they rather you laughed and remembered their life, the funny conversations they had with you, your very best memories of them? The funeral should be quiet and reflective, yes, although when I read my dad's eulogy there were a few laughs as I recounted childhood stories his siblings had told me. But the wake should be more relaxed, surely?

I know what kind of dead person I'll be, and be making sure I let my family know long before that day comes. Shed some tears, of course. But then remember that time I tripped over my own feet and landed face first in my ice cream.

Oh, and all children welcome, in superhero costumes if that's their thing.

Once again puzzled he was MY Dad, my mums husband, my uncles and aunties brother. If none of us had an issue with it, I'm not sure it's anyone else's place to be upset or offended really. We were carrying out my dad's wishes, the person who had died. Anyone who was offended by that really didn't know my dad, and probably shouldn't have been there.

Mitebiteatnite I'm very sorry; I got confused about who the chief mourners were in your case - and therefore who deserved the most consideration - because I read a quote from your post instead of the original

That's my fault, though, for not looking back to the whole thing, so again, genuine apologies

No no no, please do not do this. It is the hardest day of the family's lives and a service is about 30 mins - please don't take the risk of a baby making a sound during the service.
A funeral is no place for a baby.
Someone brought their 'quiet' baby to my mums funeral without asking, I had specifically said no young children, including my own.

Mid eulogy, baby starts fussing, we get the inevitable shhh shhh shhh and the disruption of the standing up, doors opening and then leaving. So when everyone was crying and upset and listening to my mums life story, we had to pause whilst everyone inevitably turned round, annoyed to see who the hell brought a baby to a funeral. It was awful

It's not worth it, it's half an hour, be respectful and only attend or have baby there once the ceremony is complete

puzzled sorry, didn't mean to jump down your throat about it. FriarTuck took my words out of context and made it sound like I was being inconsiderate at someone else's funeral! It was my dad, DS beloved grandad.

We did, did a 3hr drive to Cornwall, stayed in a travel lodge, took him to the funeral (6 months old) Sat him in car seat at the back with us and some toys and milk and he didn't make a peep! We Sat by the door in case we needed to slip out, nobody minded him being there at all

I'm from an Irish Catholic background where taking children to funerals was the norm. It wouldn't bother me. I see it as part of the circle of life in a way-people die and others are born. It can also brighten up some of the mourners in a way.

Given your update OP, it's really not appropriate.

I definitely prefer the idea of the Irish funerals where children are accepted and where seemingly the whole community turns out for them. It took the death of my own dad to understand that. I can remember being sat in the relatives room of the hospital being told that they would turn off his life support and then hearing a baby crying in the corridor outside and feeling it was such a hopeful sound. I think children do indicate hope and “ mourning” (whatever that is )is not necessarily a solitary act conducted in silence. We mourn together. If people are “ livid” at the mere sight of a child then I don’t understand it. The grief remains one way or another.

FriarTuck took my words out of context and made it sound like I was being inconsiderate at someone else's funeral! It was my dad, DS beloved grandad.
No I didn't. You said that your DS had been amusing people and no-one had expressed feelings that it was inappropriate. I pointed out that people don't always feel that they can say something (regardless of whose funeral it is or their relationship to the deceased), and I used an example from MY personal experience from MY family to show that entertaining behaviour isn't always appreciated even when it's 'family'.

FriarTuck Well in our family it is. Given that my uncles were positively egging him on, while the aunties looked on misty eyed and said 'he's so much like your dad was at that age' I don't think you can assume that anyone was upset about it. And again, anyone who was clearly didn't know my dad well enough to understand that it was exactly what he would have wanted. Laughter, family reconnecting and sharing memories of him.

My comment was purely about my particular experience, and not at any point did I say that it was welcomed at all funerals. In fact, I started my post by saying how interesting it is to hear different experiences and then described my own.

Interestingly, both my maternal and paternal grandparents were Irish catholics, so perhaps that's why we do things the way we do.

My husband died a couple of years ago, and I wouldn’t have wanted a baby at the funeral. The words spoken by the celebrant were carefully chosen, and friends and family spoke, sharing memories. All attention was on them, especially mine and my daughters. A baby starting to get restless , then someone opening and shutting the door would have been intensely irritating. However, not everyone would feel the same, I get that.

Well in our family it is.
And I haven't disputed that. I've merely said that not everyone feels the same......

Interestingly, both my maternal and paternal grandparents were Irish catholics, so perhaps that's why we do things the way we do.

Possibly/Probably. I know at my close family funeral there has always been lots of laughter, frequently at the same time as the tears and there is always children. But I'm in Ireland and our funerals are very different to the English system I think.

FriarTuck you implied that by allowing DS to be a child and act in an appropriately childlike way at his grandads wake, was somehow upsetting for other people but they were too upset to say anything. And your original post took my words so far out of context that when another poster read it, they completely misunderstood the meaning of what I'd originally said.

You'd have to leave at the first whimper, not jiggle him around for a while and hope he settles.

This cannot be repeated often enough.

Shushing a baby is just as noisy as any other kind of interruption (as is the clatter of heels on the floor removing them).

Babies, if invited into a ceremony, should be removed at the first disgruntled facial expression, let alone whimper.

So sorry you feel you can't take your baby OP, but I think you have judged it correctly going by what you have said.

I took DS1 to my dads funeral. There were some raised eyebrows, but he was MY dad and he wouldn't have given a sh*t if other people disapproved. DS1 has always been a happy thing (he's 9 now but he was 5 months then and was there when DDad died - again raised eyebrows but he was a welcome distraction)
He lifted everyones spirits and he gave me something to cuddle when I really really needed one.

Sugarbum my DCs were there when my dad died too, and after my mum had a few minutes with him, we went back into the room after he had died. We just sat in the room and cried and hugged. DS asked lots of questions about what happens next etc, where will grandad go? I know to some people it seems horrific, but I think it's so important for children to realise that unless there are other circumstances (such as someone killed in a fire, or brutally murdered) there is nothing frightening about the body of someone you love, who has died a peaceful death.

Personally I would want to shield children from that I was 6 when my grandfather died and no way did I or my younger siblings go to the funeral we played at a neighbors house. Remember being shocked and upset at glimpsing my grandmother sobbing beforehand. I just don’t feel it’s appropriate to expose children.

But people don't only sob at funerals. My dc were with me at my mother's funeral, I didn't cry that day at all, but have done so plenty of times before and since - usually away from them. They were able to say goodbye to their much loved grandmother and anyway I'd nowhere to leave them. I think a funeral is easier than just having their grandmother disappear from their lives.

And of course lots of children that age lose their own parent or sibling, I do think children are still exposed to death and loss even if they don't come to a funeral, though adults may like to think it hasn't affected them.