To take baby to funeral?

[Duckyduckyquackquack]

Not a family funeral. Baby is 4 months old and generally very calm. Would sit at back and slip out if he started crying or fussing. Would this be unreasonable?

I wouldn't think twice. When my babies were small and fully breast fed if we had to go away for a funeral I took them with me. I always dressed so that I could feed discreetly and they were fine. They were mostly family funerals for very elderly relatives where we were among the chief mourners and I would echo what someone else said that it can be comforting - the whole "life goes on" idea.

I missed a friends mum's funeral, due to having a breastfed baby. DH represented me. She was only 59 and it was a big funeral.

Also a school friend of my daughter's died from cancer. Another mum represented me and took my donation. I could never have taken my newborn. The fact this gorgeous girl died still breaks my heart two years on. I didn't want my son crying through it. I couldn't possibly ask the devastated parents if it was okay.

Neither events felt appropriate to take a newborn baby too. However I took my baby to my grandmother's funeral. She lived to 93. I knew my mum and her sisters would not mind. I had to be there. I couldn't have anyone represent me.

I took DD to a funeral at 8 months old, she wasn't the only baby there and everyone loved fussing her before and after the service.

Like you say, sit at the back and head out at the first sign of them whinging.

I think as long as you go out if he cries, that’s fine. I went to the funeral of a 32 year old patient which was incredibly harrowing. Especially as her baby nephew screamed throughout the entire service to the point that the congregation could hear nothing else and the child’s parents sat through the whole thing refusing to move. It was dreadful, especially for the dead woman’s two little girls.

I'd check it was OK and then decide. I took DD2 to a friend's mum's funeral because if I hadn't, none of us would have gone - DH didn't drive. She was 4 days old and slept through it all.

I also had a 7 mo baby at DH's funeral last year - again, if I had said no, his cousin wouldn't have been able to be there. And yes, it felt very circle of life and she did have to nip out quietly halfway through. It was fine.

As for pp who have said 'well, I said yes but really I didn't want to' - that's 100% on you.

Family funerals are totally different to non family funerals.

You can't unilaterally decide to take a baby to a non family funeral without any warning whatsoever.

You would have no idea of the views of the mourners there and could end up making a shitty day even worse for them.

No, I would not do it. It is no place for a baby, despite the fact that they are not concious yet of their surroundings. They pick up vibes etc. and it stays with them.

I spent years working through childhood issues and had to realise that things I may not have any memory of have affected me. My therapist once talked about this exact issue: that a client of his was taken to a funeral as a baby and he was very clear that it is not appropriate. Everything, every event etc. from the first minute we are born goes in, so I would not put a baby through a disstressing event on purpose. And quite frankly, it is disstressing. If mum is sad, anxious whatever.. baby picks up on it.

I took my five month old to a funeral. No choice really, actually she brought a lot of pleasure to people and helped lighten the sadness of the day. But this was an elderly persons funeral, I wouldn't have taken her to a young persons funeral which has a different level of raw grief.

I went with similar age baby to DH grandad funeral. I suggested we stay at home but he wanted us there.
It was fine, baby was quiet but I would have gone outside if he’d have got noisy.
It was about supporting DH on difficult day rather than being present at ceremony.

Having mourned my beloved grandmother recently I loved there being a couple of babies there - it was an Irish funeral and lots of villagers turned up - circle of life type thing. I wouldn’t have noticed any fussing during the service, too busy focusing on remembering her. I’d certainly rather someone come with babe in arms rather than not at all.

I have done this. If I hadn't done this, I could not have gone at all. It was a small funeral and I'm pleased that we went. Sat at the edge and back, ready to leave.

For me it would depend on the circumstances and tone of the funeral eg a young person/tragic death v perhaps a very elderly person where it was more a celebration of life..also the views of the family.

I'm a vicar and do a lot of funerals.

Babies, toddlers, children are all fine. There was one I did where the funeral director ended up amusing the tinies with his top hat whilst I got on with the service at the front.

I've done murder funerals with half the congregation in shades and maybe babies aren't appropriate in those settings but for anything else stick near the back and be ready to shift if baby gets fractious.

Teenage boys who suddenly see the reality of death after killing thousands in online video games and then see their lovely granddad in the coffin, that is another matter. That emotional reaction can be quite loud.

Oh and having read catflapuk comment, I feel the need to say that baby ds was totally unaffected by it and now is a very happy nearly 8 year old.

Who has died? If it was a grandparent for example then I think it would be fine but if it's a friend's parent for example then I would say no.

I agree with @DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult There is a difference whether or not it’s a family funeral or not. If the baby is a member of the family, I understand the whole ‘circle of life’ argument, though I still don’t like it. If it’s not family, it feels more like ‘my family has new life, yours has death’.

And for pps saying ‘everyone loved the baby there’, did you canvas every single person? Or might there have been a couple of people quietly seething at the back?

There were quite a few babies at my Dad's funeral, about 5 I think, plus a few slightly older children. It was fine.

Well, it won't damage a baby, there need to be a a few adverse childhood experiences for that, but if I could avoid taking it to a funeral I would for that very reason. There is the issue of 'is the baby going to be quiet and is it appropriate for the 'type' of funeral' and 'what's ideal for the baby'. Ideally, the baby isnt there.

I think it's a very difficult call. For every mourner at the funeral who thinks it's lovely to see a baby and welcomes the distraction, there could be another who thinks it's inappropriate to pull the focus from the deceased and spends the ceremony on edge because they're worried the baby might cry. I am slightly in the latter camp, but I would understand the other viewpoint too, depending on the circumstances and how formal the occasion is.

As it's not family, you don't really have that thing of Auntie Sue and Cousin Martin being happy to see the baby because you don't get together very often. Do you know the family of the deceased very well? If not, I would be inclined not to do it. To be blunt, I don't think you can expect people who you're only vaguely connected with to be thrilled about having a baby present who might add to the general crappiness of the day by starting to wail during the eulogy. Not everyone is good around babies, and they might not want to have that extra element to worry about.

And for pps saying ‘everyone loved the baby there’, did you canvas every single person? Or might there have been a couple of people quietly seething at the back?

I think this is quite pertinent. There will likely be a lot of people there feeling all sorts of different ways and just because one person says they are fine with it doesn't mean it won't upset others.

If you really do take them out at the first murmur then that makes a difference, but it's not nice when there is a baby crying at a happy event and the parents take a while to take them out, let alone something where people may really be deep in grief or contemplation.

I would definitely check with the immediate family, but bear in mind in making your decision that they are not the only ones there.

My 6 month old baby came to my nans funeral. She was good as gold, as far as I can remember. If she had have cried, I would have taken her out. For me, it was good to have her to cuddle at such a sad occasion.

I’ve taken my baby to a family funeral, after being told, without asking, that it was absolutely fine. So my first reaction was that you should.
Then I remembered that I’d just been ‘chief mourner’ earlier this year and in that situation a non family baby would have pissed me right off, I think. It was hard enough to work out what I was meant to be doing etc and talk to people and arrange stuff without the additional distraction of a baby.

I’m not being rude but in my grandfather’s funeral, my father and siblings were the immediate family. Give a fuck if any of the other people cared! Every single elderly person cooed and fussed over DS afterwards. I didn’t canvas the younger crowd but they weren’t as close to my GF, and the chief mourner was my father who was delighted to meet his grandson (we are NC).

It does depend on who you are in relation to the funeral though, obviously.

I took my 4mo to my former boss's funeral. Knowing him and his family I knew it would be ok. His widow was pleased and asked for a baby cuddle at the end. I would have discreetly stepped out at the first sign of noise, of course, but DD2 was uncharacteristically well-behaved.

Is it the funeral of a child or young person? If so no.