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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take baby to funeral?

126 replies

Duckyduckyquackquack · 15/07/2019 21:15

Not a family funeral. Baby is 4 months old and generally very calm. Would sit at back and slip out if he started crying or fussing. Would this be unreasonable?

OP posts:
PeachieGeorgia · 15/07/2019 23:52

I did it with a 5 month old. It was absolutely fine. No one batted an eyelid. I sat in an aisle seat near the back and just slipped out when dc got a bit grumbly.

Celticrose · 16/07/2019 00:59

I was at a funeral last month and one of the grandchildren was there with a baby. 6 weeks I think and they were at the front of the church. It was fine. The mum did take her out at one stage when she got a bit fussy. At my mil funeral one of the grandchildren also attended with their 11month old again it was fine.

Mitebiteatnite · 16/07/2019 07:48

It's really interesting to read different perspectives on this. When my DDad died a few years ago, there were no babies there at all and my DC were the only children as I was the only one with young children at the time. I would have welcomed the distraction of a baby at the wake, and wouldn't have cared a jot if there were babies at the funeral itself. Nor would the rest of my family for that matter. As it was, DS did a fine job of keeping everyone amused at the wake, because he chose to wear his Batman Cape. It was his preferred attire at that time, and DDad would have been horrified if he'd known we hadn't let DS wear it because it was a funeral. DS was very much like my dad, in looks and temperament and we had lots of 'your dad was the same at his age' type comments. As far as I could tell, nobody felt it inappropriate and if they did, that's their issue. Grandchildren gave my dad so much joy, he loved their individual personalities and funny little ways and he wouldn't have wanted them to stop being their lovely little selves for his funeral. That's the general attitude of my family as a whole, I even attended a funeral as a child where there were a lot of children so the vicar arranged for 2 of the church's sunday school teachers to sit in the room at the back with all the children, as a kind of creche.

I can, however see the flip side in that not everybody feels that way about funerals, and it's really up to the 'key mourners' (although I can't say I like that phrase) to decide if they think it's appropriate. But as a rule, I'd say a babe in arms should be allowed to go wherever their mum goes. I know not everyone feels that way though.

MsTSwift · 16/07/2019 08:00

Ok if immediate family though I wouldn’t. but otherwise no don’t think it’s appropriate

caoraich · 16/07/2019 08:15

I took my DD to a funeral of a close family friend when she was 4 months old. Think about what the deceased would have wanted- she adored babies and her sons told me they'd like us there.

I stood at the back with her in the sling. She woke up and whimpered a bit at the end so I stepped out. No one noticed. I know this as apparently the minister said something funny that I missed and people kept mentioning it as though I'd been there.

Whatisinaname1 · 16/07/2019 09:08

With family yes, as they are a part of it.

Not family no, unless they asked me too or i couldn't leave them because they were too new. In which case I'd have bottle, dummy and be ready to move. Pretty stressful and distracting imo.

Friends took their tiny one to a funeral of non family - a friends close relative. Though the mum's friend was ok with it the rest of the bereaved family, those more directly affected, weren't. Instead of stories about the deceased and his life, there were stories about the baby and other newborns and the family were hurt and upset by it. It monopolized the grieving. It didn't help that the parents didn't really talk about the deceased, just about the baby and being a new mum/dad. It seemed like they came more to show off baby then support in friend's families opinion. I doubt they did, but they were in the newborn haze and came across self absorbed and distracting.

MyOpinionIsValid · 16/07/2019 09:13

Children IMHO shoudl be taken to funerals from a young age, death is a normal life process and children should be part of it.

People, especially older ones, tend to like having children round at the wake.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 16/07/2019 09:22

It's not about the children, it's about those closest to the deceased and what they want.

It's so selfish to go ahead with your own wants with no regard for those who are the most affected.

If I was organising a funeral and someone decided to show up with a baby I would tell them they had to leave which would be upsetting for all involved.

It takes 2 minutes to ask, I'm shocked that people go to non family funerals with their kids without checking it's ok first.

RedElephants · 16/07/2019 09:23

My eldest son was almost 3 months old when my Nan died,
He was breast fed, so couldn't leave him with any one, and I certainly wasn't going to miss my Nans funeral on the basis some didn't like babies at this type of event.
As it was he slept the whole way through, not a murmur.

paap1975 · 16/07/2019 09:25

In my experience, babies can bring some much needed relief to a dreary situation

AlbusPercival · 16/07/2019 09:26

I agree to ask key mourners. I took 6 month old DS to my Grandad’s. It was nice. He was smiling and provided a bit of light relief as it were.

Now he is 3 I wouldn’t dream of taking him

chiccocico · 16/07/2019 09:27

Be mindful of what shoes you wear, if you have to take baby out the clopping of stilettos is more distracting than the baby noise.

stucknoue · 16/07/2019 09:28

Depends on what relationship you are to the deceased, I would ask the family

NoSauce · 16/07/2019 09:32

Ask the family if you know them well enough. I don’t think it’s a problem personally.

whothedaddy · 16/07/2019 09:37

My great Uncle died when my DD was about 3 months old. My Dad didn't want to go to the funeral on his own so asked me to come.

It was a really good idea in the end. DD was an angel in the church. At the wake DD got passed between all the relatives, having a lovely bonny baby definitely cheered everyone up.

ReganSomerset · 16/07/2019 09:38

@fatandshattered89

Is key mourners a term now?

Either key or chief, I think. Useful as the ones closest to the deceased are not always related to them, so calling them family isn't always appropriate and we don't know the relationship of the key mourners to the deceased in this instance.

ReganSomerset · 16/07/2019 09:40

Also, I think the taking them out at the first whimper doesn't remove all the disruption, it just limits it. Akin to having a ringtone that gradually increases in volume and going outside to answer the phone as soon as it starts up - you're still causing disruption.

StellarLunar · 16/07/2019 09:44

My baby has been to three funerals. It's either bring him or don't go. But my DH is always ready to take him out if he fusses and for the most recent one we all were outside as the venue was packed . We're in Ireland though

FriarTuck · 16/07/2019 09:48

As it was, DS did a fine job of keeping everyone amused at the wake, because he chose to wear his Batman Cape. It was his preferred attire at that time, and DDad would have been horrified if he'd known we hadn't let DS wear it because it was a funeral... As far as I could tell, nobody felt it inappropriate and if they did, that's their issue
People don't necessarily make their feelings clear. I remember after my sister's funeral we went back to her house and my SIL (by marriage) was having a grand time laughing and joking. I'd just seen my sister's coffin go through the curtains at the crematorium - I was in no mood for 'entertainment' and I found it thoroughly disrespectful.

FriarTuck · 16/07/2019 09:49

And no you don't take a baby - by the time it's made a noise and you've made a noise going out you've disturbed people who are trying to mourn.

Otherpeoplesteens · 16/07/2019 09:57

I took DD aged two weeks to her grandfather's (my FIL's) funeral. Our only childcare options were all in the crematorium but even so it would have been unthinkable to not take her.

She cried once during a hymn so I took her outside until she fell asleep, then we crept back in.

Mitebiteatnite · 16/07/2019 10:42

FriarTuck in the nicest possible way, it was MY Dads funeral, so in all honesty what other people thought is of no consequence. Dad's wishes, and those of my mum, trump anyone else's opinion I'm afraid.

Cautionsharpblade · 16/07/2019 10:47

I totally agree @FriarTuck. I found this incredible:

There was one I did where the funeral director ended up amusing the tinies with his top hat whilst I got on with the service at the front

Aside from having to fight back the sick at the word ‘tinies’ it’s so disrespectful. It’s a funeral not a crèche.

raspberryk · 16/07/2019 10:50

No time for laughing and joking? Or talking about children? Are we in the Victorian era?
For goodness sake I had people laughing while I read my grandfathers eulogy, because we chose to focus on our great memories not the sadness of his death.
We focused on how lovely it was to see everyone together and the kids playing, on how grown up they were and what we were like as kids. Things my grandfather and his cousin got up to at that age.
I also agree children need to be part of funerals to process death. I would never not take them to a family funeral, if I as an adult couldn't go it would probably affect me for life, imagine a child being left out.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 16/07/2019 10:52

The op isn't going to a family funeral.

Totally different situation.

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