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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to help with this lift?

152 replies

AnnieOH1 · 15/07/2019 14:47

I'm trying not to dripfeed so I'm going to do bullet points to make it simple.

  • Charlotte (not real name) has asked for a ride next week that will take between 1 and 1.5 hours one way.

  • Charlotte needs ride to sort next stage of interview process but would be working in same place.

  • Charlotte can't drive.

  • Public transport will take anywhere from 3 hours to 5 hours with 2 to 6 changes and/or multiple walks between stops of between 10 and 30 minutes.

  • Shifts may mean she can't take advantage of the shorter 3 hour journey times.

The way I see it, based on the above, if this was part of the process only with the job being local then I would be more than happy to help her as a one off. However given that at very best she can expect to commute 3 hours each way I can't see how this job can be viable. Charlotte maintains it is quicker by public transport than it is by car and she would be able to sleep (despite possibly 6 transit changes).

But is it really my place to make that decision? It feels like it would be a huge waste of time to take essentially a day out of my own schedule for something that realistically is not going to work. The company does not have any expansion plans locally and she is 1 month into a 12 month tenancy agreement (as well as having kids at secondary school).

I want to help but at the same time helping on this feels futile. Aibu to say no? And do I say why or make an excuse?

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 15/07/2019 22:42

But the train from London to Edinburgh is a high speed train that goes there directly with limited stops.

So completely different to a regional commuter train that travels much more slowly, stops here, there and everywhere with walking and waiting time every time you change from one train or bus to another.

The OP mentions up to 6 transit changes, so you only need a 10 minute walk and/or wait each time to add an hour to the journey and you could be waiting much longer than that if the next bus or train is only every hour or half hour.

MummytoCSJH · 15/07/2019 22:49

If she is on UC or an area that is still under JSA then yes, the DWP would require her to apply to prettt much any and all jobs available, go to any and all interviews she gets regardless of the distance and take literally any job as if she turns one down she won't be entitled to anything. It's shit. I think she can claim travel expenses back, or you used to be able to. She shouldn't however be relying on you to do the trip and she seems excited about the prospect of this job. Try to explain she needs to get used to the commute. She's practically a stranger!

fargo123 · 15/07/2019 23:34

You'd be insane to agree to this. If she doesn't drive, then she has to accept the limitations that come with it. Even if she did drive, the commute sounds bonkers anyway.

What happens if she does get the job? Will she expect you to become her personal chauffeur every day? Nip this craziness in the bud now by just saying 'no'.

InvisibleHamster · 15/07/2019 23:55

She should only beg a lift for interview if she’s actually planning to move house if she gets the job

Purpletigers · 16/07/2019 00:13

Charlotte should be more realistic with her expectations. She should get a job closer to home and learn to drive .
Then and only then should she be looking for jobs further away . Charlotte is being a cheeky sod if she expects you to drive her .

BoredToday · 16/07/2019 00:16

Don't go out of your way for her.
She'll want a lift from you everyday as well if she gets the job.

GrotchCoblin · 16/07/2019 00:26

So she's just an acquaintance?!

Someone you barely know has asked you for a lift which will take up a good chunk of your day.

Everything else is irrelevant surely...?

"No, I won't be able to give you a lift. Hope you get it sorted. Good luck!"

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/07/2019 02:26

Regarding whether or not the DWP would ask you to do this, the answer is "yes they would". A friend of mine in the UK was asked to do just this more than once, or face sanctions. Thankfully she wasn't offered any of the positions that were so far away! At least the employers had the sense to see that it wasn't a viable option.

But as far as this person goes, you've said it's her "dream job" so maybe she IS trying to get it and make it work - but in reality she isn't going to be able to, it's insanity to even consider it.

Have you had another chat with her yet?

TowelNumber42 · 16/07/2019 03:25

she's recently joined my church. I've spent maybe around 30 hours with her max
So, no, no, no and a bit more no.

I don't work from home as such but I do run my own business.
Sorry Charlotte I can't drive you because I have to work. Hope you work something out x sent by text.

Charlotte thinks your work isn't real. You need to stomp on that immediately.

Remember it isn't your problem to solve. If she starts guilt tripping you do not engage! Any solution you can think of, she can think of herself. Your stock phrases can be like Gosh that does sound difficult and oh dear, poor you. and I'm sure you'll work something our. and finally oh well, I guess it just isn't meant to be.

Monty27 · 16/07/2019 03:35

Didn't rtht but Charlotte should make her own way to the interview as a practice commute.

Happynow001 · 16/07/2019 04:16

Hello Annie

To anyone I've missed I'm sorry, to everyone else who's taken the time to comment thank you. I think you're all right who are saying that she needs to face the reality of the commute.
So does this mean you will be telling her you will not be able to help - whatever the circumstances re UC/JSA?

I'm amazed that someone you hardly know is asking such a huge favour, especially if she thinks it is quicker by public transport than it is by car - I can't understand her logic there. Has she even offered to pay your petrol for the journey or does she think she is "just" asking for your time?

Be prepared, if you did decide to help her this time, that she feel encouraged to ask for more of the same if she got the job.

YANBU at all.

WillLokireturn · 16/07/2019 04:40

No, I'm not available to do that'
This ^^ to the lift.

Charlotte is relatively new aquaintance. Charlotte can sort her own transport out to and from her interview.
She's silly to think a 3 -5 hour public transport commute either way each day is doable, but Charlotte is clearly in her 30s/40s and can make her own decisions.

But .... asking you for a lift, a 3 hour round trip solid driving (£40 in petrol!?!) and then expecting you to waste your day as you also sit waiting round in middle during her interview...(a further 1 hour or longer if has assessment stages in it), well... that's equally mad.

Whatisinaname1 · 16/07/2019 07:14

No way. Charlotte's one CF and if it's her dream job she can get herself there.

fedup21 · 16/07/2019 07:45

OP, are you coming back?

Has she offered money?
Have you actually said you’ll take her!

DisplayPurposesOnly · 16/07/2019 07:59

As others have said, it's not your call to say whether the commute is viable or not if Charlotte gets the job. That's up to her. Obviously you can discuss it, offer an opinion, tell her she's crazy...

The lift is up to you, that's all you need to decide on. Do you want to give her lift or not?

crosspelican · 16/07/2019 08:03

I would assume that she intends to move to where the new job is, surely? Once she has it locked down, I mean.

PuzzledObserver · 16/07/2019 08:16

So the best public transport option is a 50 minute train with an hour’s walk one end and 30 minutes the other. I’m guessing the other options involve buses at one end or both, as well as a slower train.

The walk could be reduced by changing it into a cycle, say a third or a quarter of the time. That would still make it a long commute, but comes into the realms of possibility. Brompton folding bicycle?

None of which changes the fact that OP is not in any way shape or form obliged to give the lift for the interview. Have you given her an answer, OP?

Sindragosan · 16/07/2019 08:28

Churches can be lovely supportive places, which can lead to massive CF-ery by some new people.

I'd decline by being busy that day with an appointment etc, a flat out no is going to cause trouble in a church environment. You can be very sad you're unable to help and offer to pray for her.

Kaiylee · 16/07/2019 08:31

Just say if public transport is quicker get that. If she would be working in the same place she absolutely needs to do the journey in the way she'd do it if she got the job. Otherwise you risk her keeping coming up with reasons why you need to take her.

I'm guessing you are a SAHM or work from home and "Charlotte" thinks she can persuade you to be her taxi because she "took the job and didn't realise how bad it would be, doesn't want to let them down.. etc"

Ragwort · 16/07/2019 08:32

I think you have to kindly, but firmly, say 'no'.

I have read that she has recently joined your church, and as a church member myself, I am aware that people do often do favours for each other as it is part of what makes a good community. But I have also noticed that some people do take advantage of other's good nature and are clearly exploiting the kindness and generosity of others .... and these people then often move onto a church to see who they can ask favours of .... that sounds unkind and I am sure that most church members are very kind and generous, but just be aware.

LagunaBubbles · 16/07/2019 08:33

Why does she want a lift rather than go on public transport?

MissCharleyP · 16/07/2019 08:44

I’m amazed that the potential employer even gave her an interview knowing how far away she lives. If it’s 1.5 hrs by public transport (and presumably that’s station to station not home to workplace?) it must be at least 90-100 miles away! I’ve seen adverts that state you must live within an hour of the workplace. I know some people do commute long distance as I used to know people who did Norwich-London daily but that is just one straight through train. I’ve been turned down for interviews for being too far away, even when I had a direct train.m

LondonJax · 16/07/2019 08:53

You can't base an offer of an interview on where someone lives at the time @MissCharleyP. My DH was living in this country when he interviewed for a job in Paris. He moved there when he was offered the job. Many students about to leave school or university will be going for interviews all over the country and will find digs or a house depending on where the job offer comes from.

But, if your acquaintance can't get to the interview without a car then they're not going to get to work without one OP. I went for a job interview just as I left school at 16 years old. My dad was going to drive me. The car broke down so I rang the interviewer. She said 'if you can't get here by public transport at some point today you really need to think whether you can get here for an 8.30am start every day'. And she was right.

notapizzaeater · 16/07/2019 09:03

Are the job expecting her to move house? Can she wfh ?

Why is she asking you, a new acquaintance to help ?

I'd be thinking twice about asking my best friend to do this yet alone someone you've only just met

BarbaraofSeville · 16/07/2019 09:38

If it’s 1.5 hrs by public transport (and presumably that’s station to station not home to workplace?) it must be at least 90-100 miles away

Eh?

I live less than 9 miles from my workplace and it takes an hour and a half to get there by public transport, and that's on a good day, because it's walk wait bus walk wait bus short walk or long walk wait train not get on the train because its full wait train wait train medium walk.