AIBU To think this is an urgent appointment?

[Glitter99x]

Hi bit of a sensitive topic here. My DP’s grandmother has suspected dementia. All the classic signs- forgetting often, asking things multiple times etc. Over the past year it has gotten worse, even her brother who lives in Fife and doesn’t have that much contact with her, has noticed within a few months how much she had changed. She thinks DP and I live together, we don’t and we have said this before, she was adamant once her daughter (DP’s aunt) was mad at her when she had been there the day before. That his mum hadn’t taken them shopping when she had that day earlier. I may be not that accurate about the last two incidences but they aren’t far off if they are a little wrong.

Anyway, my DP’s grandfather who lives and is married to his grandmother is worried sick, they are elderly. It’s too much for him to cope with, he has us of course but he is struggling. He confided in the pharmacist when getting his medication. The pharmacist without even being asked booked an appointment for DP’s grandmother, which was really kind. DP’s grandmother is Very stubborn, and there is no way she would of gone if she wasn’t told it was for a checkup. We thought it was with a doctor she would be seeing. It was a nurse. DP’s mum went with them as she was worried DP’s grandmother would kick off 😂. This nurse was pathetic. She didn’t know what grandmother was there for, DP’s mum had to actually tell her she was there for a blood pressure test and blood tests. They had thought she would be seeing a doctor regarding what we think is her dementia. DP’s mother and grandfather went to the receptionist and told her it is urgent, she needs to be seen ASAP. They were told a three week wait. AIBU To think that they should be prioritising a dementia appointment at the doctors? That is should be an emergency? DP’s mum said it is an emergency to us, but not to them, as it doesn’t affect them. I’m sorry but surely a dementia appointment is more important than a person with an infected toe for example?! She is elderly!!!!

I think part of the problem with Dementia is that things toddle along and progress so slowly that things seem 'OK' until all of a sudden you realize they AREN'T. Loved ones cope with the symptoms until all of a sudden they realize they CAN'T. That's where OP is now, but unfortunately that still doesn't make it an emergency.

Focus on what you can. Set up a rota to relieve Granddad for a few hours so he can decompress and get some rest. Bring in carers or cleaners if you can. Meal on Wheels (as suggested by PP) can be a Godsend. And make plans for the future: now is the time to discuss finances and wishes with Grandad so you know how to proceed. The finances talk can be tricky, but it must be done.

Ok will buck the trend a little - DM has dementia plus a range of other things and this has all transpired over last couple of years particularly following a nasty fall which has accelerated things

I think it can be an emergency as if she is doing things that endanger her life and her husband is not coping or doesn't know where to start I think it falls into the urgent but not emergency rrather than 3 week wait routine

Its important to catch signs early - enact any treatment which may help (for e.g. it could be caused by a UTI or low magnesium and so on and this can be addressed immediately) and get her on lists for an assessment in the home for aids and memory tools etc.

And your DP's DM and DGF also need to learn to speak up to be honest @Glitter99x.

They can't make up excuses for appointments just to placate DGM. They are going to have to learn to be blunt.

I had to arrange for social services to do an assessment on mum when she began to get confused about her medication even with a box labelled with the days of the week. Her GP had changed all her doses so she only had to take one set each morning - she managed to take three lots in two days. Panic stations, social services in. I had to explain why we needed help in front of mum. I couldn't beat about the bush, use a nudge and wink to try to explain to the social services lady what we needed. Mum's life depending on me hurting her feelings by telling them she was now forgetting the days of the week and couldn't cope any more even with our help. We had someone in the next day as an emergency care package.

Your DP, his DM and DGF cannot afford to hope people understand what they need. They have to speak up, even if it upsets DM.

My DM went from managing her own cleaning to needing a cleaner, from managing her medications to emergency care, from being able to use the loo to becoming wee incontinent, from being able to eat properly three times a day to having meals on wheels and a carer to do a sandwich for her as she was cooking her evening meal at 9.30 in the morning!

I had calls at 10pm saying her carer (who arrived at 10am every day) hadn't arrived as she'd forgotten there were two 10 o'clocks every day. I had calls at 4.30am saying she was down in reception at her sheltered housing scheme waiting for the bus to take her to the day centre and wouldn't go back to her flat - so I had to go and persuade her to go back. I've been out at 3am when the police were called because she insisted a man was in her flat - no windows open, no one able to get in as she was on the 2nd floor. You lose the ability to 'whisper' dementia in those circumstances.

You can't expect people to know what you believe may be wrong with DGM. You have to shout it from the rooftops or help will be very hard to come by. They can do it gently but at some point they are going to be in a similar position to the one with the nurse - and if they don't grasp it and say exactly what the problem is no-one can help.