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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU To think this is an urgent appointment?

153 replies

Glitter99x · 14/07/2019 13:52

Hi bit of a sensitive topic here. My DP’s grandmother has suspected dementia. All the classic signs- forgetting often, asking things multiple times etc. Over the past year it has gotten worse, even her brother who lives in Fife and doesn’t have that much contact with her, has noticed within a few months how much she had changed. She thinks DP and I live together, we don’t and we have said this before, she was adamant once her daughter (DP’s aunt) was mad at her when she had been there the day before. That his mum hadn’t taken them shopping when she had that day earlier. I may be not that accurate about the last two incidences but they aren’t far off if they are a little wrong.

Anyway, my DP’s grandfather who lives and is married to his grandmother is worried sick, they are elderly. It’s too much for him to cope with, he has us of course but he is struggling. He confided in the pharmacist when getting his medication. The pharmacist without even being asked booked an appointment for DP’s grandmother, which was really kind. DP’s grandmother is Very stubborn, and there is no way she would of gone if she wasn’t told it was for a checkup. We thought it was with a doctor she would be seeing. It was a nurse. DP’s mum went with them as she was worried DP’s grandmother would kick off 😂. This nurse was pathetic. She didn’t know what grandmother was there for, DP’s mum had to actually tell her she was there for a blood pressure test and blood tests. They had thought she would be seeing a doctor regarding what we think is her dementia. DP’s mother and grandfather went to the receptionist and told her it is urgent, she needs to be seen ASAP. They were told a three week wait. AIBU To think that they should be prioritising a dementia appointment at the doctors? That is should be an emergency? DP’s mum said it is an emergency to us, but not to them, as it doesn’t affect them. I’m sorry but surely a dementia appointment is more important than a person with an infected toe for example?! She is elderly!!!!

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 14/07/2019 14:30

The grandfather is worried because he doesn't know what to do. Apart from ruling out other causes, the diagnosis is not so important. Has the family discussed how they are going to look after her?

thetimekeeper · 14/07/2019 14:32

It's not an emergency as it's not immediately life-threatening.

GP appointments - whether called "emergency" appointments or otherwise - are not for immediately life threatening issues. That's what ambulances and A&E are for. The op hasn't made any suggestion the ambulance service or A&E should suspend work until her DP's grandmother has been seen, so getting up in arms about immediately life threatening issues being the priority is unfair and disingenuous.

The op was using the word "emergency" in the context of GP appointments (where "emergency" is any appointment you don't have to wait weeks and weeks for), not the health system as a whole.

Some of the responses on here are a bit cruel. Early intervention does get better outcomes, and just because no cure for dementia currently exists it doesn't mean this woman is consigned to the dustbin and it doesn't matter when anybody gets around to seeing her. And of course the context of family circumstances matters and is relevant to decision making. Three weeks is a long time to wait when you thought you were going to get answers and help "today".

Besides which, without being seen you don't actually know it is dementia and not something that could become very serious in the three week interval.

Op, I hope some of the replies on here with information and support have helped. I can't imagine how worrying and distressing this must be for you all.

AmeriAnn · 14/07/2019 14:32

I panicked the first time my dad became confused. To me it was an emergency. Nobody else seemed to care.

Please brace yourself for a lot of heartache with the old 'uns. Love them while you can.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/07/2019 14:35

For us it is an emergency, I’ve always been taught it was, and for us it definitely is

I absolutely understand the effect of dementia on a person and a family; and I wouldn't wish it on anyone - but it isn't a priority to the NHS. It's not curable, the tablets tend to do little once symptoms are apparent and you've missed the part where they'd be most effective (not you personally, I appreciate that it wasn't down to you). If you can afford to, go private, although to be honest, it might not get much done any faster.

I am sorry Thanks

Bouledeneige · 14/07/2019 14:36

Fireinthe grate has given you some very good advice.

A nurse or GP cannot guess what you are there for so whoever goes with her to see the Doctor will need to find a sensitive way to explain the issue. This can be done by saying in a gentle way that they are concerned about your DP grandmother may be becoming more forgetful or getting a little bit confused and that can be frustrating for her. The GP will understand what this means. They may well do a memory test. Although some drugs can be prescribed which might slow down the progress of the disease (depending on what type it is) there is no cure. Its not a life threatening urgent illness. But a long term progressive disease.

However, it is a very cruel disease and has a very significant impact on family carers. It is important that the doctor enquires about the wellbeing of the carer and if necessary you get a social care assessment for them both - to see if they need extra help. Social services have a duty to do a carers assessment as well as focussing on the Grandmother.

It might be helpful to to look at the Alzheimers society website and download some information leaflets for your family.

Alonglongway · 14/07/2019 14:39

Going through this with both my parents - it’s a horrible thing to see.

OP I’m not sure if GPs can formally diagnose dementia. My experience was that parents were referred to memory clinic and diagnosis/medication followed on from there. My mum didn’t consent to diagnosis and medication until she was already deep into Alzheimer’s so I don’t know what difference it might have made. The thing is that the person probably has some awareness of their memory difficulties and may well be terrified. My mum was scared she’d be “put away” so she actively resisted medical intervention.

sparklefarts · 14/07/2019 14:39

but surely a dementia appointment is more important than a person with an infected toe for example?

Erm, no, really really not.

I'm assuming you're joking, but in case you're not; an infection can turn serious very quickly.
As you've said she has been getting worse for. Year then the signs must have been there for s year, and so is three weeks really going to make it that much worse?

MaybeitsMaybelline · 14/07/2019 14:39

The medication for dementia won’t be given after a doctors appointment. The diagnosis takes weeks, starts with a gp visit to see a doctor, then a memory nurse comes to the house and does an assessment, then a CT head scan follows, then from what I can recall from my dad a psychiatric specialist prescribed the drugs.

This all took months.

In amongst all this there were carer assessments and visits to The Alzheimer’s society.

Soontobe60 · 14/07/2019 14:42

OP, this website is very helpful.
www.unforgettable.org

INeedAFlerken · 14/07/2019 14:44

YABU. Sorry.

Just because it's 'suddenly' an emergency for you to have her seen due to what is clearly dementia, doesn't mean it's a medical emergency for everyone else. Three weeks isn't unreasonable ... use the time to document every instance of memory lapses, disorientation, etc while you're waiting to be seen.

ParoxetineQueen · 14/07/2019 14:46

1 Have a look at the Elderly Parents section there are lots of us that have similar issues so very supportive and knowledgeable.
2 It is possible to talk to a GP about your concerns, they won’t be able to discuss the patient with you but will take the information on board. I had concerns about my Mum’s mental health (albeit not dementia) and her GP visited her the same day ‘just to see how she was doing’
3 Contact adult social services, my county was surprisingly good. You may have to pay for carers but it gets them in the system and they can do a carers assessment.
4 Apply for Attendance allowance and get Age UK to help you fill in the forms. It’s not means tested so will soften the blow if they have to pay for carers

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/07/2019 14:47

Early intervention does get better outcomes but as someone has said, medication only comes after a long assessment process by the memory clinic, and in our the waiting list for this exceeds 18 weeks.

First step is blood tests to rule out anything else causing the problems, and it seems grandmother has had those done. Not much point in having a GP appointment until the blood test results are back.

UndertheCedartree · 14/07/2019 14:48

No it's not an emergency - dementia is a long-term condition.

What did the nurse actually do?

If her husband needs help then speak to social care. Hope he gets the support he needs.

Windygate · 14/07/2019 14:50

Glitter99x has your DP or his DM considered contacting Adult Services and requesting an assessment under the Care Act for both DGM & DGF? This should be a home visit to see them both and asses what support they need as individuals and as a couple. DP or his DM can be present during the assesment.

LolaSmiles · 14/07/2019 14:52

It's difficult and distressing and hard on thr family but it isn't an emergency unless the situation is 'it has come to our attention that this person is an imminent danger to themselves and/or others'.

YABU to expect an emergency appointment for something that has been developing over time. They offered an appointment in 3 weeks time and that's reasonable.

DennisMailerWasHere · 14/07/2019 14:54

elderly people are a priority

No, every patient needs to be assessed according to need. Being elderly may make you more likely to be vulnerable or have several health conditions, but age alone is not and should not relevant when it comes to urgency.

The appointment was not an emergency, and berating the nurse's for being an inappropriate professional to see is not her fault. Not is the fact that help has not been saught sooner anyone's fault.

Yabu. Very.

And the toe infection comments were ignorant and ridiculous.

georgialondon · 14/07/2019 14:54

No it's not an emergency.

purplecorkheart · 14/07/2019 14:55

No it is not remotely near an emergency. From what you say it is likely that the dementia has long developed past the stages that the medication will be effective.

VioletCharlotte · 14/07/2019 14:58

It may not be the same everywhere, but where I live, if someone presents to the GP with symptoms of dementia, they'll be referred to a specialist for assessment, so it won't be a case of seeing the Dr, getting a diagnosis and being prescribed medication on the day.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/07/2019 14:59

The meds available for dementia slow the progression by 3-6 months. That's all. And they don't improve symptoms. If there is agitation or depression other meds might help that.

Dementia is truly horrible. My mum has severe dementia and it was hell over the last 7 years watching her go from a vital, always busy woman to the shell in a wheelchair that she is now, knowing no one and doing nothing. And unfortunately there aren't a lot of practical resources out there u less you have a good deal of money to spend on care. Luckily Mum and Dad we're always frugal and she's in a good care home with excellent staff.

Buckle down and muster resources. You are all in for a bumpy and rough journey.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/07/2019 15:01

One of the hardest things to accept with dementia is just how little control or management we have over it. (I had a grandfather with Alzheimer’s and a grandmother with vascular dementia. And a grandfather whose memory started to look worrying but had already received a terminal cancer diagnosis.)

We are used to being able to fix things.

The chances are this can’t be fixed. There may be medication that slows down deterioration but it is important not to think of it like antibiotics - 5 days dose and all better - but more like imagining a bath with the plug in and both taps on full blast and you have a teaspoon to bail out with. The bath is going to flood and you may be able to delay it a tiny bit and maybe make it a tiny bit less bad but no matter how hard you try you can’t stop this.

Seeing a GP is not urgent. It is serious and important and heartbreaking. But waiting three weeks won’t effect the outcome.

Now that your family has hit a point where you are ready to face the situation you obviously want to get answers ASAP. But there are no satisfactory answers. It’s mainly a case of getting on with your lives and living in the moment as much as possible whilst making sure that you do have a plan for the various stages that will happen in the future. (It is a lot easier to plan in advance rather than have to deal in an emergency.)

Right now your DP’s grandmother is healthy and happy and knows who you are. That may not be true forever but it is today. Focus on that. Take her out of afternoon tea and enjoy her as she is.

SuperSara · 14/07/2019 15:02

I'm sorry, OP, but YABU.

It's not an emergency appointment situation.

When you say, "For us it's an emergency, I've always been taught it was..." are you sure you're not thinking of stroke, or similar?

I sincerely don't mean to offend you by asking that but I just can't envisage anyone being 'always taught' that dementia is an emergency, because it's sadly not a condition that's going to be meaningfully changed by an appointment being 1 day or 1 month away.

Tiredmum100 · 14/07/2019 15:02

I would try to get a urine sample to the GP to test for a UTI. If the grandfather is struggling then definitely contact social services to assess for a package of care. I would also book the GP appointment for the next available opportunity and get someone in the family (or friend) to chat to the grandmother before the appointment about what everyone's concerns are.

CitadelsofScience · 14/07/2019 15:02

but surely a dementia appointment is more important than a person with an infected toe for example

Actually someone like myself on immunosuppressant medication would take priority if I had an infection.

Dementia is awful, I've lost two family members to it but I can guarantee you need to prebook an appointment. I would however see what social care can offer.

Nautiloid · 14/07/2019 15:04

I do understand the impact and a GP should be available to help in a crisis, but you need to be prepared for the fact that if she is referred to a memory clinic following your eventual appointment then it is likely to be a long wait. In my area it's up to 8 months.
Contact Dementia UK or similar for advice on what to do during the wait.Flowers

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