To be distressed how ASD is the go-to MN diagnoses for nasty or batshit behaviour

[ASDistress]

Time and time again, I read MNetters suggest that ASD is the reason for someones’s nasty or batshit behaviour?

This type of ignorance and prejudice stops me from being open about my disabilities and thus not getting the support I need.

These attitudes disable me far more than any atypical brain processes and it hurts.

It physically hurts to read it as I know that it’s a reflection of society at large.

The problem is that unusual behaviour is often the outward signs of asd, especially in older young people and adults. If you met my dd for a short time you may not realise she has asd, she's clever, polite, well spoken and has trained herself to "pass" but on a bad day she lashes out verbally and physically, she shuts herself away and she's downright rude because life isn't how she can cope with, you could call it nasty. I'm not excusing that behaviour, it's wrong, but she was diagnosed at 2, 18 years of hard work and home therapy means she has a shot of independence, if she had been born in the U.K. I doubt she would have been diagnosed, she would have been "difficult" "quirky" "antisocial" even "violent" luckily she wasn't i was able to train in ABA therapy before our return. When I see people struggling with pre teens which all the difficulties my dd experienced, yes I suggest a diagnosis because I know in the U.K. they are reluctant to refer let alone diagnose young, especially girls.

I don't think it's that they are reluctant to diagnose in the UK , my son was diagnosed a three and a half but he has severe autism, I think when a child has more high functioning autism, they sometimes adopt a more wait and see approach.

There isn’t a reluctance to diagnose so much as a lack of understanding in some pre-schools/schools and then a chronic lack of funding that means waiting times are horrendous.
My youngest is high functioning but is also regarded as having a very high level of need. School picked up on it immediately (his preschool were hopeless) and he had a diagnosis within a year.
The nature of his autism has made finding appropriate schooling for him impossible. His needs are too severe for mainstream, but specialist provision say they can’t meet his academic needs as he’s too bright.
In our experience, a lot of other parents do not understand at all because, to quote them ‘he looks normal’, and ‘oh, but he talks like an adult’. Yes he does - all the time, very loudly with pronounced echolalia.

The nature of his autism has made finding appropriate schooling for him impossible. His needs are too severe for mainstream, but specialist provision say they can’t meet his academic needs as he’s too bright.
In our experience, a lot of other parents do not understand at all because, to quote them ‘he looks normal’, and ‘oh, but he talks like an adult’. Yes he does - all the time, very loudly with pronounced echolalia.

whilst DD is low functioning, I was talking to colleagues about a friend's DS who is very high functioning (as in super bright) but struggling much more with every day life than DD.

Most of my colleagues have postgraduate degrees (though in technical subjects but educated folk nevertheless). A few could not understand how a bright child with ASD could display behaviour that wasn't age appropriate because - if he is that bright, that child should know better.

sometimes, I just despair.

Just seen that the neighbour thread has been taken down. There are so many troll threads on MN and yet people will still shout ‘ASD!’ before thinking ‘maybe this is just a neurotypical prick stirring up controversy because they like attention’

I hear you OP. I work in a school (also have a child with ASD). Kids with ASD are still kids, that will sometimes muck around and do the wrong things. Because they are kids. It's what kids do in order to learn, and we as adults need to help them to learn the right thing, whether NT or ND. I've even had kids behave appallingly in class and when asked to not shout insults at other child, say they can't help it, it's their ASD. I've also had kids with ASD in class who are the most polite and well behaved children, who would never dream of being abusive. I've also heard the old chestnut from parents that their ASD child can't lie when their child has misbehaved and is covering up. Er, yes they can, and do.

In my opinion, it's not ASD that's the issue, it's the learnt behaviour (from parents? maybe even peers? older siblings? other carers?) that is.

rainbowbash agreed.
‘Spectrum’ is often confused with a linear ‘measure’.
People also often judge by their (often limited) knowledge of one person they know with ASD. As if everyone with ASD is the same!

I know my child's behaviours that challenge are not learnt behaviours. No one around him kicks, punches, bites, headbutts or hurts themselves.
My nephew who is very challenging at school doesn't behave that way outside of it because it is the school environment that is the problem.

YANBU. As a pp said, there's not a better understanding of autism. There are more widely spread stereotypes and these are often plain wrong.
A quick AS of the shopping OP shows a diagnosis of something that isn't ASD and other instances of 'different' behaviour.

I think it’s a combination of factors, including lack of understanding, people knowing one person with autism and thinking they know it all, general prejudice. I’m autistic, only diagnosed as an adult. I continually come up against people who don’t like me just because I’m me. I’m ‘high functioning’, I can hold down a job and have a family...what you don’t see is how much I rely on family support to achieve all that. I spent years masking without even releasing it or understanding it. I’m probably quite good at faking ‘normal’ but it’s tiring.

I think in a lot of people’s minds their still thinking of autism as how it was first introduced - I remember them talking about it on GMTV in the 90s, showing a young boy who was non-verbal and using a repetitive motions, lots of stimms. I think they were talking about the MMR at the time. Obviously autism is a huge spectrum and we all have different needs but a lot of people don’t get that. They also think of selfish, arrogant behaviour as autistic when many of us are very empathetic!

I like this comic as the best explanation of the spectrum.

The way that MN in general talks about autistic people, and to autistic posters who disagree with the opinion of an NT “autism parent”, is appalling.

Also people armchair diagnosing their OH with ASD, as though “autistic” and “inconsiderate” are in any way interchangeable. The whole “support thread for spouses of people with ASD” culture is really hurtful and harmful, although I’ll probably get a bollocking for saying it.

Sick to death of hearing about how we have no idea how difficult it is to be a parent of an autistic child etc. Uhhhhhhhh.... try being an autistic child. Or an autistic adult, in a world filled with the kind of dehumanising ideas about autism which abound on Mumsnet and elsewhere.

The association of autism with bad behaviour harms people in all directions.

As a small, undiagnosed autistic child I deeply internalised all the pressure to be a good girl and was immaculately behaved. Surprise surprise, I’m now a very damaged adult.

smoothy can I ask, if you don't mind, how your childhood damaged you - was it because masking is so exhausting or because you were misunderstood - how could your parents have helped you do you think looking back? thanks in advance x

I do wonder whether there should be an autistics support group on here run by posters with ASD where they can talk about experiences they are having on here and from the so-called neurotypical world

Ah, yes. Let's make people with autism post on their own section so that those of us who are aren't can continue to make misinformed and lazy armchair diagnoses without upsetting anyone. By segregating them, we won't even have to learn anything. 🙄

That is absolutely not what I meant by that ravioli and I am sorry if it came across that way. I often ask autistics about their experiences so that I don't make their parents' mistakes with my own child. I don't want segregation personally. If such a support thread existed and they didn't mind me on it as I am supposedly NT then I would both post supportively and try and learn what shit not to do.
I had only mentioned that because I think all people who have are having a hard time for whatever reason deserve a Safe Space to share worries, concerns, experiences where others can relate without being judgemental. I am deeply sorry if that offended you. That would be the last thing I intended.

Oh and just in case you were wondering why I am using the terms autistics as opposed to people with autism, I was told that many people prefer identity first rather than people first language. That may not be your preference, again, everyone is different and I am always still learning.

I disagree OP. I think rather than seeing it as blaming ‘bad behaviour’ on asd. It provides an explanation that the behaviour wasn’t intentionally bad/hurtful, but a symptom of a wide spectrumed disability.
@Pikapikachooo really? You clearly have no idea what ASD is. Your post is really Disabilist. Blaming the parents for a disability which causes a lack of understanding of their surroundings, a great deal of emotional distress and frustration? How would you like to live your life not being able to understand even day to day things or effectively communicate your needs? You’d have ‘behavioural issues’ too. Go educate yourself.

It provides an explanation that the behaviour wasn’t intentionally bad/hurtful, but a symptom of a wide spectrumed disability.

only it does not. when DD (ASD and severe learning diffs) does something unusual and I point us that she has ASD (by way of explanation), I regularly get the response that Asd and learning difficulties are not an excuse for inappropriate/odd behaviour.

I often ask autistics about their experiences so that I don't make their parents' mistakes with my own child.

You say you use autistic because people you know prefer it? I would say they are few and far between?

Do you call other people by what conditions they have?

I was told that many people prefer identity first rather than people first language.

Who told you that and how is autism their identity?

I do have to say I reported a thread earlier this week and MN took it down very quickly and we lovely in their messages to me.

I disagree OP. I think rather than seeing it as blaming ‘bad behaviour’ on asd. It provides an explanation that the behaviour wasn’t intentionally bad/hurtful, but a symptom of a wide spectrumed disability.

But it doesnt. As usually the people threads are about dont have autism and there no proof they do. It's just thrown in there 'oh some behaving in a way we dont like and wont stop doing it, probably on the spectrum'

Rather than, actually, some people will act how they like even if they know it bothers you.

No to an autistic support group please. I'm autistic and I've yet to find one that I feel welcome in because I readily admit that I hate having autism and people don't want to hear it. I don't expect everyone to feel the same way and I'm glad that others are comfortable in their own skin, but my view of my experience is as valid as anyone else's yet it isn't welcome.

I don't hate so called NTs either and think that being a parent of an autistic child brings its own challenges and parents need to be allowed to talk about that.

I can confirm that the overwheming majority of the many autistic people with whom I’ve discussed the issue prefer “autistic” to “has autism”. I also prefer “autistic”.

It’s not that autism itself constitutes my identity, it’s that I am who I am because i am autistic. I think there’s sometimes a NT perception that NT people are complex individuals with nuanced combinations of personality traits, whilst autistic people just exhibit “symptoms”/traits.