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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not my fault my in-laws hate us?

100 replies

CuffAww · 13/07/2019 21:40

The past 10 years there have been very noticable tensions and frosiness when we meet up with my DH's brother and his wife and kids.

We see each other only twice a year. I'm polite, warm, friendly and I'm always met with stone coldness. I'm used to it and I try not to take it personally - it's not like they ever got to know me.

DH and his brother are not close, have never been close, and have very little in common. His brother has two boys who are teenagers now.

MIL has confided in me (we get on fairly well) that the frostiness is due to us not making any effort with their kids growing up.

I used to remind DH of his nephew's birthdays and remind him to get a card/present for Christmas but DH would never bother sending a card/phoning.

AIBU to have left him to it? It's his family, not mine. They have never been warm to me anyway - but MIL says I should have made the effort on DH's behalf and then we'd all be getting on better now.

The last family meal get-together was bloody awful. Could cut the tension with a knife.

I feel conflicted now - maybe we'd get on better if I had bought presents/forced phone calls, but then I wouldn't expect DH to do the same for my family.

AIBU?

OP posts:
mumsie8 · 13/07/2019 21:41

No.

chocpop · 13/07/2019 21:43

It's not your fault, if your husband didn't want to make the effort then there's a reason for that and it probably goes back many years.

Your MIL should stop stirring up emotions where there doesn't need to be any. If she's so worried about the two families not getting on then she should do something about it, not tell you that you should have. They're her sons.

You've done nothing wrong! MIL is wrong for making you feel like this.

MissEliza · 13/07/2019 21:44

I'd stop going tbh. Ironically I get the same reception from bil and sil but they're the ones who never make an effort with my dcs. My dh is close to his db though. Yours Isn't so I'd say enough is enough.

Orangeballon · 13/07/2019 21:44

I don’t think it’s down to cards and presents. Why bother with them if they are so petty.

Yawninfinitum · 13/07/2019 21:45

Yanbu
Why continue to endure these get togethers?

Do other things.

Mumminmum · 13/07/2019 21:45

You are not at fault. Your DH has been immature and your MIl is an enabler as she is expecting you to fix it instead of him. Also I would not be too bothered by the opinion of people who are so easily offended. Maybe inform your DH and your MIL that you are not interested in spending time with ill mannered people.

mumsie8 · 13/07/2019 21:48

That is, if it was something you mutually agreed on 10 years ago then the onus is and always has been on your DH. Why has his brother never raised it with him if it is such an issue? Such a childish, passive aggressive and mature (not) way of dealing with something. You sound like you tried in some ways to encourage it to happen by reminding your DH, it was you DH's choice not to follow through. I would carry on as you are. If it is raised, direct them to your DH and let him explain.

Original poster
CuffAww · 13/07/2019 21:59

Thanks so much for the reassurance. I was really doubting myself.

I think MIL is in denial at how badly her two sons get on, so blaming me is the easier option.

Can't help but wonder if it would be quite this bad if I'd just sent presents though.

OP posts:
TheCatDidSay · 13/07/2019 22:02

Not your fault at all. I’ve told dh his family are his and his alone. It’s his job to do presents etc as if we where to divorce or him die I’ve never see them again. It’s 100% his job.

Ponoka7 · 13/07/2019 22:13

I don't agree.

Both of you have chosen to ignore the children, so it's both your faults.

I was lucky that my former DH's family didn't do any presents. But my DH would ask what we had goty Mum etc, because she/they are blood related tp his children.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 13/07/2019 22:14

Did your DH not bother paying attention to his brothers children due to laziness or was there something else going on?
Either way the relationship probably isn't going to be repaired now.
My mum has been known to wonder aloud why I and my siblings see very little of eachother. For one thing we live far apart and for two - we never got on growing up. My brother was a bully and belittled me regularly, sometimes hit me.
My sister and I had to share a room and we got on eachothers nerves constantly and we're always fighting.
Too many years of not getting on, too much water under the bridge. Perhaps your DH had similar issues?

Leeds2 · 13/07/2019 22:18

I think BIL and his wife are being very immature. There is no obligation on you/DH to buy your nephews presents, and your DH chose not to. That is his choice, you did more than your bit by reminding him.
I would probably duck out of future meetings with them, as they sound quite unpleasant.

Original poster
CuffAww · 13/07/2019 22:24

Oh there's definitely history. DH is quiet, kind, generous, patient and his brother...isn't.

His boys are lovely though so my guilt lends towards them never having a close, loving Uncle in their lives. But then another part of me thinks that's not my responsibility, and I wouldn't be allowed to be a loving Aunt as I'm very much unlocked by BIL and SIL.

DH has always felt separate to his family. I always thought it was laziness that he didn't sort presents but looking back, they haven't made effort with him either. DH served in the Army and when he was abroad his brother wasn't in touch.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuffAww · 13/07/2019 22:26

I would probably duck out of future meetings with them, as they sound quite unpleasant.

God, I would love to never see them again. I do like seeing the boys though, and I feel obligated to meet up for MILs sake. I'll support whatever DH wants to do.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 13/07/2019 22:28

Do you have dc and do they get presents from your bil?

It’s not your fault, I can see mil is making out it is, but of course it’s not. Why did your dh not send presents? I do cards but I gave up on presents when I never got a word about if they, arrived, even if I sent cash (dumb, I know)

Original poster
CuffAww · 13/07/2019 22:40

Do you have dc and do they get presents from your bil?

No, but I don't think I'd expect anything if we did. We've been trying for DC for 5 years now. (Fertility issues :( ).

I think they assume a lot about our lives that isn't true. Or they just actively dislike/disapprove of our lives.

OP posts:
Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 13/07/2019 22:51

What kind of relationship have they tried to foster with you? It sounds like all the blame has been laid at yours and DH's doors. Takes two and all that.

I couldnt be arsed with someone who was obsessed with demonstrations of love for the nephews via presents and cards.

It would have been nice if DH had phoned them on burthdays though.

But you are absolutely 100% right not to take on the wifework of family pleace and harmony for your DH. After all, this will be what his mother did in her marital relationship (I'm sure, hence the criticism) and that ain't healthy.

You have shown a lot of fortitude plugging away. It really is down to your Dh to make the family situation better, not you.

Bookworm4 · 13/07/2019 22:59

I never understand this attitude ‘it’s his brother’; they’re your nephews too, the first time your DH forgot a birthday you could have stepped up and sent the card/gift. Sounds like neither of you care tbh

Original poster
CuffAww · 13/07/2019 23:05

What kind of relationship have they tried to foster with you?

None. They've never so much as asked me what I do for a living. In fact I don't think they ever initiated talking to me.

MIL thinks DH and I should make more effort because "you two haven't got kids, it's harder for them, they don't go on nice holidays like you do."

Whenever MIL has a problem, it's us that helps because she can't possibly bother them because "they have the kids, they're busy.". Even though they live 5 miles from her and we're 70 miles away.

I can't stand the 'wife duties' expectations; MIL is old fashioned that way.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 13/07/2019 23:09

If my husband was to lazy/uncaring or whatever to send his nephews a present then I would have personally. It’s not the kids fault is it? I get why your in-laws are off with you both tbh.

Original poster
CuffAww · 13/07/2019 23:10

@Bookworm4 thing is, he never did it before he met me. And the first year or two of dating it would have felt far too over familiar to send his nephew's presents/cards.

They've never felt like my nephews, lovely as they are.

I'd remind him "Tom's 10 next week" etc. And suddenly the years have just rolled on by.

OP posts:
Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 13/07/2019 23:14

Oh it' so old-fashioned to think women should step up to the plate to fill in the gaps left by their husband. Come on folks! We've moved beyond that.

They never even asked you what you did for a living or engaged you in any way??! It is not you, Op.

Winterlife · 13/07/2019 23:17

The presents likely would have made no difference, no matter what MIL thinks. They're even too busy for her!

Drum2018 · 13/07/2019 23:19

Your MIL is a shit stirrer. I'd give her a wide berth. You are in no way at fault for your BIL and his wife being cunts. How petty of them to shun you just because your Dh didn't send gifts to their kids. It's not the fucking 1950's - tell MIL that you are not the little woman at home whose only mission in life is to sort your Dh's admin, buy his family gifts, wash his boxers .... He's more than capable but chooses not to bother. I'd hope your Dh has set his mother straight by the way, and told her that you are not responsible for buying gifts for their family.

Osirus · 13/07/2019 23:20

I have the same situation with my BIL. They blame me for DH not being involved in their lives but it’s not my fault at all - he’s very detached from them for reasons I don’t yet know.

Still, I am the one is ostracised and endures the occasional scolding from them. They’re not nice people.

I have 20 nieces/nephews of my own; I can’t cope with buying for his side too.

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