To think it's not my fault my in-laws hate us?

[CuffAww]

The past 10 years there have been very noticable tensions and frosiness when we meet up with my DH's brother and his wife and kids.

We see each other only twice a year. I'm polite, warm, friendly and I'm always met with stone coldness. I'm used to it and I try not to take it personally - it's not like they ever got to know me.

DH and his brother are not close, have never been close, and have very little in common. His brother has two boys who are teenagers now.

MIL has confided in me (we get on fairly well) that the frostiness is due to us not making any effort with their kids growing up.

I used to remind DH of his nephew's birthdays and remind him to get a card/present for Christmas but DH would never bother sending a card/phoning.

AIBU to have left him to it? It's his family, not mine. They have never been warm to me anyway - but MIL says I should have made the effort on DH's behalf and then we'd all be getting on better now.

The last family meal get-together was bloody awful. Could cut the tension with a knife.

I feel conflicted now - maybe we'd get on better if I had bought presents/forced phone calls, but then I wouldn't expect DH to do the same for my family.

AIBU?

I have a similar situation with a DH who simply can't be bothered with his family. For years I picked up the slack, buying cards and presents for birthdays and Christmas and communicating with my overbearing MIL but I just reached a point where I got sick of it (mainly MILs constant emails) and downed tools. Now we hardly ever see in laws and I'm sure I am the one blamed for it, but I honestly don't give a crap. I feel a bit bad that my kids don't see their grandparents more, but not bad enough to deal with them on my own. The compromise is that I make sure niece and nephew get birthday and Xmas presents. The rest of it I leave to him and it often doesn't happen.

If he doesn't give a shit, why should you? You don't have to care what in-laws think of you.

You only have MIL's word for it that the coldness is due to cards/presents and this is not your fault anyway.

Agreed. MIL is definitely talking bollocks as they've been cold and rude from meeting OP so they obviously took against her from the beginning. Probably because of the relationship between brothers.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I never thought of that but it makes perfect sense.

It's not your fault your husband has a poor relationship with his brother - he's known him a lot longer than he's known you - nor is it your responsibility to try and fix it.
Your husband and his brother are both adults; if they'd both wanted to be closer it would actually have been up to them to forge that relationship.
I agree you only have MIL's word that the lack of gifts/cards is the real issue here, but I honestly doubt it is.

MIL says I should have made the effort on DH's behalf

Then MiL is a silly arse. You are DH's wife, not his PA. It's his brother, not yours. You reminded DH to send gifts - he did not bother. How is that YOUR fault?

Honestly I despair at the way some mothers overindulge their sons with this type of free pass. It's no wonder misogyny is still rife when men are not expected to pay attention to others & are allowed to be emotionally gormless about social conventions.

I just spoke to MIL on the phone about something else and she mentioned she hasn't heard from her DS1 & wife for 'weeks'.

I didn't mention it but why make a thing about me not making effort now if she hasn't spoken to them for a while? I can't work that out at all.

Whatever the reason, they definitely don't like me and there's no relationship with DH. I can't decide to not see them again though, and I keep hoping I'll win them over somehow! :(

Bloody hell, so wifework includes not just household admin but meeting the expectations of the man's family, does it?

Fuck me, it's no wonder I'm divorced.

Your BIL and his wife sound like miserable gits OP, and your MIL sounds like a meddling loon. What kind of adult stops being civil to a sibling and their spouse just because of a few missed presents?

Just out of interest, is BIL the Golden Child and your DH the scapegoat, by any chance?

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff that's such good advice; god I wish I had the guts to call them out on it. I have a feeling if they aired their issues, it'd make everyone closer.

When we all meet up it's frosty, awkward and really uncomfortable. It's like there's an elephant in the room but I have no idea why or where it came from.

I would love to bring it up, actually acknowledge when they actively ignore me, but I think if it caused friction I'd get the blame from MIL.

BIL is....quite an arrogant guy. He's a great dad and a hard worker so I have lots of respect for him, but I know MIL is frightened of his temper.

Just out of interest, is BIL the Golden Child and your DH the scapegoat, by any chance?

Well...I'm not sure. I'd say my DH is emotionally closer to MIL. He phones her weekly and we visit her and have MIL to visit here. When she needed a small operation she asked for DH & I to come for moral support.

But the fact BIL has kids seems to elevate him I think; last year she told me she'd be giving all her jewellery in her Will to BIL's wife because she has the kids and she hoped I didn't take offence. I replied it's absolutely not my business and I wasn't offended in the least.

When she needs help (car won't start or she's confused about pensions) she'll call us because "I don't want to bother DS1 he'll be busy what with the kids."

The boys are 17 and 15 so I'm not sure quite how much supervision they need now but I'm not a parent so I can't assume!

I have noticed she sees them a hell of a lot less now they don't need babysitting as much, and they're in touch with her less and less it seems.

DS1 and his wife only ever wanted MIL for the babysitting.

Now she is of no use to her, she is dumped.

This is likely incredibly hard for her as she loves her GCs, and she loves her son. So she is rumbling around for people/things to blame.

One of the things she can blame is you for not sending birthday cards - this clearly ruined the lovely relationship between your DH and DS1. Much easier than acknowledging than that relationship never existed and DS1 is a bit of a shit.

Personally, I think the time she said she hasn't heard from her DS1 & wife for 'weeks' was your time to dive in and do a bit of bonding - you and DH also haven't heard from them, DH has tried, but they never answer, wife isn't warm, so hard with them isn't it? Start building up a bit of an alliance.

It sounds like MIL is disappointed in how her relationship with her adult sons has panned out and is trying to blame it on you because its an easy option.

"I don't want to bother DS1 he'll be busy what with the kids"

Or she's worried he'll say no. Given she's not heard from him for weeks as well. It sound's like he's just not close to any of you.

It might not have made any difference. There are family members whose kids I send presents to but that is literally the only contact. That and the thank you letters.

I hoped doing this might foster a closer relationship but so far it hasn’t. Shrug.

It sound's like he's just not close to any of you

Actually that's true. BIL hasn't taken the kids to see their great grandfather for two years. We're much further away but we go every month or so. MIL has organised a couple of get togethers and they decline to come (they only come to a Christmas get together mid December, and then MIL's birthday in April).

I'm starting to feel a bit pissed off now I'm looking at it all that I'm being blamed. I can't force a one sided relationship can I? Should I?

I accept every MIL invite, we go out of our way to help her and we'd never ask anything of her. I've definitely helped foster a better relationship with DH and MIL, I make sure she feels like an important part of our lives (I respect and like her very much) and keep her up to date on everything.

But I'm the bad one for not sending the boys birthday cards.

Urg.

I used to dream of a big extended happy family.

My side are as dysfunctional as you can get and his side are as cold as ice.

I just yearn for my own happy family.

Sorry, de-rail into self pity there!

Ugh, sounds a bit like my ex's family. They never liked me, never figured out why, and although for a long time I pushed him to attend family functions, send cards etc we still just got complaints about how we didn't make an effort. Somehow I managed not to point out motorways run both ways and phones can usually make outgoing as well as incoming calls.

Eventually I gave up on the wife work, stopped trying to arrange visits and was a lot happier for it. You can't change them, only how you respond to them. I'm even happier still now I don't have to have anything to do with them (none of them have had anything to do with ex or dc either other than to try and cause drama when we first split)

I've had a similar experience. You can't actually win though, so best to stop bothering.

I did do the cards and presents thing, but it was never enough. We just couldn't make enough effort to satisfy them. It was always my fault too. And of course they didn't make any effort with us whatsoever.

Out if interest, what was the sibling's reply when your DD was overheard saying this?

My dhs sisters children ,are my nieces and nephews,who I love because I’m their auntie.
I’ve always bought their presents,couldn’t imagine not doing they are my family.
What an odd post

Wrong thread for me, sorry!

Feeling, it's not that odd if you've been made to feel an outsider and never had a chance to bond with them. The bond you have comes from the actual relationship, not purely by virtue of a title.

There was no relationship before OP came along, it's not her responsibility to try to facilitate one

@Feelingwalkedover

Out of interest, how much contact do you have with your nieces? Do you get on with their parents?

There’s a lot of good advice on this thread.

There’s really no need to put yourself through being treated like scum when visiting your husbands relatives, respect yourself, opt out. Family is what we choose for ourselves, your husbands theatric, petty, boring relatives don’t bring anything positive to your life and you only see them out of some kind of weird obligation, so just just participate.

Why can't MIL be allowed to be a bit pissed off?

So what if she blames you? She already blames you. Sounds like BIL growing up to be a dickhead is everyone's fault but hers. Fuck that. Let her get a cob on. So what? She has decided you are the bad guy anyway (ridiculously).