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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not my fault my in-laws hate us?

100 replies

CuffAww · 13/07/2019 21:40

The past 10 years there have been very noticable tensions and frosiness when we meet up with my DH's brother and his wife and kids.

We see each other only twice a year. I'm polite, warm, friendly and I'm always met with stone coldness. I'm used to it and I try not to take it personally - it's not like they ever got to know me.

DH and his brother are not close, have never been close, and have very little in common. His brother has two boys who are teenagers now.

MIL has confided in me (we get on fairly well) that the frostiness is due to us not making any effort with their kids growing up.

I used to remind DH of his nephew's birthdays and remind him to get a card/present for Christmas but DH would never bother sending a card/phoning.

AIBU to have left him to it? It's his family, not mine. They have never been warm to me anyway - but MIL says I should have made the effort on DH's behalf and then we'd all be getting on better now.

The last family meal get-together was bloody awful. Could cut the tension with a knife.

I feel conflicted now - maybe we'd get on better if I had bought presents/forced phone calls, but then I wouldn't expect DH to do the same for my family.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
CuffAww · 13/07/2019 23:21

They never even asked you what you did for a living or engaged you in any way??

Not one question. Honestly. It's like entering into some awful twilight zone.

When I initiate conversation, I'm ignored or given one-word answers. Eg. I'll say "MIL tells us you had planning permission granted, that's great news!"
Silence.

"And how's work going?"
"Fine".

It's beyond frosty. They've always been cold towards me but it's getting cooler and cooler.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 13/07/2019 23:26

DH is quiet, kind, generous, patient and his brother.

Just not to the kids, huh?

I don’t think your vagina has anything to do with it.

Ignoring children’s birthdays and Christmas is pretty grim. No need for it really. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 13/07/2019 23:26

They sound horrible, and make me think of the character Pauline in 'Mum'! DH could try and get the nephew's numbers to phone/ whatsapp directly? Then, they know you are there for them but you dont have to bother with seeing BIL and his wife...

HollowTalk · 13/07/2019 23:33

Oh god, why are you putting yourself through this? Please don't go anymore.

I hope your fertility issues go really, really well.

Flowers
GibbonLover · 13/07/2019 23:37

MIL thinks DH and I should make more effort because "you two haven't got kids, it's harder for them, they don't go on nice holidays like you do."

Bloody hell, you have fertility issues and MIL said this to you? And you still say you "get on fairly well"? Christ, you really are a tolerant person. I bet you'd swap all the holidays ever for DC of your own. That really is insensitive!

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 13/07/2019 23:40

One of my pet hates is when children miss or lose out because of issues between adults.

From your posts, you seem lovely. And your ILs seem difficult.

But the children seem blameless. In fact, you seem to like them.

But they're the ones who have lost out.

So I'm going to go against the thread and say you ARE BU, because on your watch children you think are great have lost out. It's not about presents, it's about relationships with family and where you're rooted and what your history is and being there for children who might need a trusted adult who isn't a parent who might have been you but now won't be.

purpleplaydoo · 13/07/2019 23:42

After a heated rant at DH today over similar you are not being unreasonable. It was never your responsibility to get presents for their dc. His family, his "job" to sort.

DHs relatives birthday celebration was today and he still hadn't bothered to sort anything after my repeated reminders, weeks and days in advance. Then whilst out on a leisurely shopping trip for the first time in months....oh can you grab some bits. No I fucking can't, idiot!

DH doesn't volunteer to sort presents out on my side yet if we turned up without a present for one of the dcs on my side everyone would blame me, same for his fucking side as well. Infuriating!

Malvinaa81 · 13/07/2019 23:45

It is so simple: don't see them anymore, and just refuse to discuss it with the MIL.

They won't care and the MIL doesn't matter.

Italiangreyhound · 13/07/2019 23:49

Not your fault. Your husband is an adult.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 13/07/2019 23:54

God, your dh has been pretty shit to his own new Nieces and nephews! No contact at all? No calls, pressies?

Lazy shit.

Not up to you to facilitate, but your h has behaved badly.

PicsInRed · 13/07/2019 23:57

Your MIL - and probably other in-laws - are re-writing history so that it's your fault that the brothers have some sort of a rift.

I'd be wary of this. At some point, your DH could decide it's convenient to buy into their narrative.

Are you really sure you want to have children with this family, OP? Because you don't just have children with the man, you have kids with his entire family. Think very, very carefully.

These families are absolutely AWFUL if you have to divorce them (again, divorcing the family, not just the man) and so much worse with their genetic possessions children in the mix.

Tanith · 14/07/2019 00:00

I suspect, even if you had sent cards and presents, they would find another reason to cold-shoulder you.

Are they jealous, perhaps? I think I'd be avoiding the lot of them. After all, your DH doesn't seem to care for family ties, so why should you worry?

Knittedjimmychoos · 14/07/2019 00:01

So.... The mother of your dh
.. Laid the blame at YOUR door for HER sons not getting on.

......

SandyY2K · 14/07/2019 00:04

This isn't about presents. It's about 2 brothers who don't have a close relationship.

It's really rather pointless to send gifts to a niece or nephew when you're not close to your own sibling. It just seems like a tick box exercise.

Your DH has no chance of being close to the boys when he sees them twice a year.... but obviously that's not his concern for whatever reason.

It's rather annoying that your MIL blames you, instead of getting to the root of what her sons aren't close and barely bother with each other.

This is not your fault in the slightest.... I'd make that quite clear.

A relative of DHs tried this with me...said I should help make them closer as I was close to my own siblings and it wasn't fair. I said it's how we were raised and I wasn't going to change the nature of DHs relationship wiyh his siblings and get accused of being the interfering wife. When I did try and remind him about gifts for siblings kids, there was little appreciation from the INLAWS, so I stopped reminding...and the gifts stopped.

It's all too easy for the wife to get blamed and it's usually other women (MILS & SILS) that do the blaming.

Teddybear45 · 14/07/2019 00:05

Your DH was being awful by not giving gifts or time to his neices and nephews, but that’s not your fault. You reminded him he’s the one who chose not to act. Suggest you tell this to your mil every time she mentions this.

Alwayssaythewrongthing · 14/07/2019 00:25

AIBU to have left him to it? It's his family, not mine

Why don’t you see them as your family?? Surely they are your nephews too??

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2019 00:40

This is madness. I would refuse to ever visit with them again. What's the point? It's time to make a stand and end this.

ChicCroissant · 14/07/2019 00:43

Well it may not be the only reason for a poor relationship between brothers but I do think it is bad not to send children anything on their birthday tbh.

DPotter · 14/07/2019 00:54

There’s a lot of posters happily buying into ‘wife-work’ this evening.
Had similar conversation many years ago with ‘MIL’ (not married to DP) as even though I buy cards, he wouldn’t sign them. She understandably was upset he’d forgotten and she had a real serious go at me. I explained I’d bought the card but DP hadn’t signed it, but if she likes I would buy and send her a card in future, but it will be from me only. She didn’t have a moan at him, didn’t even mention it.
I simply don’t agree with this tradition that only the female in a relationship should act to maintain family links. And it really annoys me when the men aren’t held to account by their female relations,but the blame is passed onto the ‘wife’. It is sad when family relationships drift away, it may be as simple as buying a card and a present, but it’s one more thing we women are expected to do, when we’re already working full time out of the home and still running the home pretty much single handedly as well. Enough is enough, I draw the line

Original poster
CuffAww · 14/07/2019 07:26

I can see both sides, that's my conflict.

I fully believe it's DH's responsibility to buy his family gifts, I'd never expect him to buy for my side.

But I feel for the kids because it's not their fault there are issues in the family.

I was never welcomed in, so I didn't feel comfortable at all being the gift-giver, I honestly didn't feel it was my place.

A PP could be right, I think it's much deeper than gifts for the kids. They could be envious of our lives; from the outside we have a great life but if they took any time to get to know us, they'd know that's not true.

I wouldn't ever refuse to see them though, I just keep trying to connect when we see them. I keep thinking 'maybe this time!'

OP posts:
NauseousMum · 14/07/2019 08:52

I dont think yabu. From your updates this relationship was non existent before you came along. Your bil/sil then made zero effort with you, your dhs partner and zero effort with him before that.

It sounds like if MIL died tomorrow, they'd happily both never see each other again. Its a shame about the kids but your dh has never had a relationship with them and his brother is an arse to his wife.

This sounds like MIL interference, it won't have helped insisting you have joint meals and trying to force a relationship on both men.

I suggest you talk to your dh. If my brother/sil were so rude to my spouse, no way would i have anything to do with them or let alone shower gifts on their kids. He should have said something long before now to make it clear a) he dislikes his brother and sil and has no time for kids and b) isn't going to fake s relationship with gifts and c) it was his choice which uou respected and d) his brother helps out equally.

I suspect without MIL interfering they would be nc long ago. Did she actually be callous and say you had time to help, knowing your fertility issues?

Hotterthanahotthing · 14/07/2019 09:36

I also suspect that MIL calls on you because your BIL wont help,the excuse that they have kids doesnt work now they are teens.
Buying children presents doesnt buy you a future relationship,seeing them often,chatting ,playing does but in this case that isnt happening anyway.

SuzieQQQ · 14/07/2019 09:45

Not your family, not your problem. It’s for your DH to sort out. Mil needs to stop the denio

Burlea · 14/07/2019 09:50

In our family the frostiness between DH and his brother started after we had a girl.(1st girl in 5 generations) They started to only send cards etc to our Ds. I soon put a stop to that. It's now at the stage we are NC.
As the saying goes 'you can choose your friends but not your family'.
OP I'm sure there is something else that's the problem.

DNAwrangler · 14/07/2019 09:59

Life's too short for this sort of bollocks. What do they want from you, sudden starting of presents, or just drama?

I'd not go to the get togethers. If you feel you have to, I'd go, carry on as normal. Direct any complaints to your DH.

Don't cave and do wifework. I hope to God this crap has died out by the time my DD grows up. Thanks for helping it die!!