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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not my fault my in-laws hate us?

100 replies

CuffAww · 13/07/2019 21:40

The past 10 years there have been very noticable tensions and frosiness when we meet up with my DH's brother and his wife and kids.

We see each other only twice a year. I'm polite, warm, friendly and I'm always met with stone coldness. I'm used to it and I try not to take it personally - it's not like they ever got to know me.

DH and his brother are not close, have never been close, and have very little in common. His brother has two boys who are teenagers now.

MIL has confided in me (we get on fairly well) that the frostiness is due to us not making any effort with their kids growing up.

I used to remind DH of his nephew's birthdays and remind him to get a card/present for Christmas but DH would never bother sending a card/phoning.

AIBU to have left him to it? It's his family, not mine. They have never been warm to me anyway - but MIL says I should have made the effort on DH's behalf and then we'd all be getting on better now.

The last family meal get-together was bloody awful. Could cut the tension with a knife.

I feel conflicted now - maybe we'd get on better if I had bought presents/forced phone calls, but then I wouldn't expect DH to do the same for my family.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Namechanged1010 · 14/07/2019 09:59

Experienced similar in our family (brother and his DW family]. They are sisters and are just like chalk and cheese. His DW is lovely, well presented and considerate. Comes over really nice person. The other sister is awful. Rough as hell and spends nights out until midnight every weekend along with her DH dragging the kids along to the pub. Impossible to believe they are sisters to be frank (and at time I would have wondered]. MIL thinks this is all fine and won't have a word said.

The MIL has for years been in denial and keeps thinking that them all spending time together will solve differences...so holidays together is her aim. Ended awfully with a big family blow up and now his DW refuses to see the sister and family and no hope of improving.

Meddling PIL need to keep out as they may regret it and find the situation far worse

Original poster
CuffAww · 14/07/2019 10:47

Did she actually be callous and say you had time to help, knowing your fertility issues?

I think she said it without thinking.

She also said "well I fell pregnant with DS1 in 1 month and DS2 (my DH) in 2 months and DS1 has two boys" I think she was reassuring herself the fertility issues can't possibly be due to her genes. it is DH with the medical issues but I didn't tell her that

She's generally nice enough so I had to let it go.

My family are full of personality disorders grudges, fall outs and no contact so I think I try to be a better, forgiving and understanding person and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, as such.

Compared to my family, DH's are lovely. Even if they hate me. :(

OP posts:
broken1982 · 14/07/2019 10:53

The way I see it is when you marry someone then your part of their family and vice versa...in your shoes I'd have certainly just arranged the cards/presents and sent them. It's not that much effort. I see my in-laws as my family so would arrange and send knowing men (certainly mine) just don't think
It definitely would have saved you this shit now but in saying that I'd leave your husband to meet them twice a year and not go. I wouldn't put up with their childishness

Socksontheradiator · 14/07/2019 10:58

@cuffaww you sound lovely, and like you are trying to do the right thing.
I can never understand why people think anyone would work hard at their relationships with children of people they don't have decent relationships with. In what way are these children 'missing out'?
I am sure that if the relationship between your DH and his brother was good then he would of course see the kids/send presents etc.
And you are quite reasonable in thinking it is not your fault that the brothers don't get on.

BogglesGoggles · 14/07/2019 11:01

Your not his mother, it’s not your job to teach him how to get on with his brother.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/07/2019 11:15

Another +1 for this ‘wifework’ rubbish.

Very interesting that when there’s a rift between two sets of siblings in a son’s family you can bet your boots it will be the wife’s fault. I’m under no illusions that this is likely to be the case with my own in-laws as well. It’s a good get-out clause for them, because if they can push responsibility onto an outsider, they avoid the discomfort of examining their own family relationships.

Not your circus, OP. You’ve shown the patience of a saint so far, but I wouldn’t be putting myself in the way of these rude, manipulative people (and yes, that’s what your MiL is).

💐💐

foreverhanging · 14/07/2019 11:19

It's not up to you to sort presents and cards. Hate that attitude.

NauseousMum · 14/07/2019 11:25

Compared to my family, DH's are lovely. Even if they hate me.

Oh OP, they don't sound lovely at all. Im sure MIL has her nice mlmentsbut bil sounds like a shit. They may not be abusive or spiteful to your face but from your thread i would class bil/dil as tolerable and MIL as insensitive and interfering. Her 'reassure' just makes her sound more insensitive not lovely.

Compared to rock bottom shit, they arent as bad but it doesn't make them good.

Its like hearing women describing their unpleasant disrespectful OHs as lovely because they don't go steps further into shits and beat or abuse them.

Ask yourself, what do you get from a relationship with bil? Have you told your husband what MIL said about gifts? He should set her straight.

Rainbunny · 14/07/2019 11:25

Relationships are a two way street. Your BIL & his DW should have made efforts to facilitate developing a relationship with your DNs, not just sit back and expect you and your DH to magically become a doting uncle and aunt, especially given that your BIL and DH have never been close.

Like you OP, I don't have children because of fertility issues and DH and I probably look like we have an enjoyably selfish life of holidays and trips, dinners out etc... However, my SIL (DH's DS) has four children and she really makes an effort to promote a positive relationship between us and our DNs. We live a plane ride away currently so we don't see them very often but when we do we have a great time with our DNs. We could easily seem like strangers to our DNs if my SIL didn't make efforts to familiarise us to them.

I think your BIL is completely missing his own role in your lack of relationship, he doesn't like his own brother but somehow expects him to be a close uncle to his children without making any effort. It's amazing how many people are blind to their own behaviour.

NauseousMum · 14/07/2019 11:25

Tolerable...intolerable even.

Drum2018 · 14/07/2019 11:28

My family are full of personality disorders grudges, fall outs and no contact so I think I try to be a better, forgiving and understanding person and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, as such

To what end though? What lengths are you willing to allow them to treat you like shit? Why on earth would you belittle yourself that much and continue to try with these people when they clearly have no interest in a relationship with you/Dh? You insinuated earlier you'd keep trying as maybe 'this time' it would work. Stop being such a mug and stop trying to form a relationship where there isn't one. Maintain some dignity and just stay clear of them. Next time your shit stirring MIL mentions their names tell her you don't want to hear about them.

tigerseye10 · 14/07/2019 11:41

Its not your job to sort out presents for your DH's nephews... but I'd be really disappointed in my DH if he couldn't be arsed to be honest. That's just not a kind way to treat children; it doesn't need to be anything expensive and the fact he could never be bothered would be something I found very uncomfortable. Your nephews are separate to your BIL. Surely you can see that your DH looks lazy, uncaring, cold... and these aren't likeable traits?

Sewrainbow · 14/07/2019 11:42

Yanbu it is not your job to buy for the children that existed before you were with dh.

Your mil is wrong to speak to you about it not her son and definitely to lay the blame at your door.

Remoteisland · 14/07/2019 11:45

You sound so lovely, OP. But I’m baffled that anyone here can say that you should have stepped in and sorted presents. It really wasn’t your responsibility.

And, more to the point, there are clearly all sorts of underlying issues that no amount of presents would have solved. It just means that they THINK they have the moral upper hand and feel justified in using it as a stick to beat you with (excuse the mixed metaphors).

I suspect that they would have found some other reason to be vile to you if you had got the presents. And they almost certainly are jealous of your childfree lifestyle, as they sound far too self-absorbed to empathise with your fertility struggles. (I’ve been through them myself and hope very much that things work out for you.)

Hecateh · 14/07/2019 12:00

2 of my brothers never sent my mother birthday cards - it was never an issue.

Once they were married, (wives both lovely people) one wife started sending my mum birthday cards and the other didn't.

Mum who never complained that the boys didn't send cards started complaining about the wife that didn't - I never get birthday cards from C & K, K is not a good wife. WTF - I told her firmly that it wasn't in any way K's responsibility. The fact that W does is lovely and totally up to her.

I think this kind of attitude is lessening but it is still strong.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/07/2019 12:07

I think a lot of issues between. MILs and DILs comes down to one believing in wifework and the other not.

I don't see why it's on you to manage cards and presents for your DHs side of the family

Vulpine · 14/07/2019 12:13

I would never do the card present thing for dh's family and nor would I expect him to do so for mine. However i think cards and presents instead of an actual real relationship are meaningless especially when someone has just clicked a few buttons on Amazon

mbosnz · 14/07/2019 12:17

What a shame your MIL didn't do more to promote a close relationship between her sons. I'm sure she must feel quite guilty about her part (and her husband's part) in not ensuring there were close familial ties between them.

Their deficiencies in ensuring family bonds existed to be maintained are not to be laid at your door. Don't let them do so.

I don't think the nephews are missing out - I've never thought that our kids, or our nephews or nieces are owed anything by their aunts and uncles.

And given how rude the BIL and SIL are to you, there is no way in hell you owe them anything, certainly not your time, effort and money. Hell, you don't owe them the time of day. Lord knows they don't give it to you.

Ohwhataballsup · 14/07/2019 12:18

Can't help but wonder if it would be quite this bad if I'd just sent presents though

It wouldnt have made any difference whatsover.

It would have been the wrong colour, wrong brand, wrong size, wrong type etc etc.

Seriously dont bother seeing them twice a year.

ohfourfoxache · 14/07/2019 12:22

Just because dh’s family are “nice” in comparison to yours, it doesn’t actually make them nice.

You know you shouldn’t have to put up with this shit, don’t you?

AnnaMagnani · 14/07/2019 12:24

Honestly you sound too nice.

My MIL tried this shit on with me in the early days and it made me hate her. DH and I are the ones without kids too.

I started saying it as I saw it - actually I do tell DH about the birthdays, it's hurtful when you say we haven't got kids, some of the reason we haven't got them is DH.

And clearing the air was hard at the time but it made things a million times better. It stopped the fake narrative MIL had in her head in it's tracks, DH was free to have the relationship with his family he actually wanted to have and it got rid of the air of guilt.

Unfortunately you can't really have a relationship with nephews and neices if the parents are awful. So stop trying. Let your DH do what he wants and all be honest with MIL about why - make her communicate with him and not you.

For us, we do most of the parental support even though we are far away - but we are now happy to do it as we get on better!

Beautiful3 · 14/07/2019 12:25

You didn't need to send presents but a card to acknowledge the nephew's birthdays would have been nice. Think Its too late now anyway. I would stop attending things if there is a frosty atmosphere.

TwistyTop · 14/07/2019 12:30

I know you've said MIL is nice and you get on well but she sounds like a class A shit stirrer to me. I wonder if your BIL or SIL has made a passing comment in confidence about not receiving cards for the DC's birthdays, and now she's gone and made a big issue out of it. I imagine that they didn't expect that to be relayed back to you.

DurhamDurham · 14/07/2019 12:35

I think they're making more of it than it needs to be but in our family we don't make a distinction between whose side of the family the nieces and nephews are on, we both consider them our family regardless of which side they're from. Having said that, we both buy the cards and presents, it's not left to one of us to do it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/07/2019 13:11

You only have MIL's word for it that the coldness is due to cards/presents and this is not your fault anyway. Irs a pathetic excuse for them to blank you (is it just you or your DH too) at the biannual meet ups, and not accord you basic common courtesy.
You say you still keep trying and they still ignore you. I'd either greet them normally and then wait for them to engage or ask them outright why they are so unfriendly. Ask them exactly why they cant even give you a civil reply... worst case scenario is that you might find out why they are doing this and have something you can actually respond to.. or you many no longer have to endure these awkward gatherings. ? I know its a bold move but I think it sounds like its unbearable for you.