To think my life is unsalvageable?

[nothereforalongtime]

I'm not really sure if this is the correct place to be posting but I needed to write.

I am a 27 year old female, I am a single mum to a 6 year old DD.

And my life is fucked.

For as long as I remember I've had an issue with alcohol, I started drinking for fun at 11, went through many years of binge drinking, taking drugs (ket, cocaine, mdma etc) and have finally arrived at the stage of drinking myself into oblivion every single night.

I have luckily still got an amazing support network of friends and family who know about my drinking and my issues but I just can't seem to fix things. I have found myself lying and making up stories to get out of commitments so that I can drink and I know they don't believe it for a second.

I feel physically in pain everyday, constant knot in my stomach, the best way I can describe how I feel is a feeling of homesickness when I am at home. When I am with my people I have this constant, debilitating feeling of sadness. I manage to just keep it together but I am in agony.

I don't feel much, I feel no love towards my daughter or my family or my friends. I feel nothing. And when I do feel, it's a negative emotion which I drink to escape.

I am doing counselling and my counsellor suggested that I don't do housework during the day and instead leave it for nighttime when my DD is in bed to fend off my wine cravings. I mean really? If only it were that simple.

The thing is, on the outside I am a lucky person, everything in my life is great, but inside I am dealing with this overwhelming horrible sadness that makes me now understand why people decide to check out of life.

I ruin everything I touch, soooo many relationships been ruined because of my alcohol use, friendships have been the only constant in my life and for that I am grateful.

I am 27, I see myself at a cross road. One path is happy, clear and stable. The other path leads to death, and I seem to be choosing that path.

I never had a bad childhood. There was definitely some physical and emotional abuse that happened but why can't I get over that? I had it much better than other people. I grew up never asking for anything.

I've just never felt so close to hell before.

My GP prescribed me antidepressants but the prescription is still sat in my kitchen.

I feel like I want to get better but at the same time I don't. I feel like a broken person. I feel unlovable. I feel like my moral compass has broken. I feel like a shitty mum. I feel like a shitty person. I don't know how to escape this.

That’s incredibly sad to read and brave to post.

Go and get that prescription made up. Call on that amazing network and tell someone you trust just how you feel and ask for help. If you can’t do it for yourself do it for your daughter.

You can get to a better place than this.

Just give the anti depressants a go. They will enable you to cope. I am on them, and I couldn’t manage without.
X

You need to self refer to your local substance misuse service, they are the most appropriate people to help manage the drinking. Antidepressants won't be effective whilst you are drinking so much.

@dottycat123 I have self referred. I am with addaction but the counselling doesn't seem to get to the root of the issue I fell

I might have to go private. I think the issue is much much deeper

Go to AA. You need real support. You are doing absolutely the right thing; you have realised you have a problem and you want to change things. Like minded people will be able to support and encourage you. You can do it.

I don’t think local substance misuse people are very good. I’m sure that is not always the case but they were useless for my Ex P. Asked him to fill in drink diaries. Because he was basically living a middle class life and sustained a job and family, they didn’t seem to think he had a big problem. I guess they see worse but it was bad enough.

I'm the same OP.

But I don't even give a fuck.

I do love my kids though. You need to address that, all kids deserve love.

I'll get my youngest to adulthood and then go quietly.

OP I just wonder if you began this relationship with alcohol because you didn't have a consistent and strong relationship with a parental figure. This can feel make you feel very lonely and disconnected and alcohol can be a way of blurring those feelings and helping you feel connected momentarily.

You say you experienced some physical and emotional abuse but it sounds to me like you're minimising that. Many people can't just shrug that off. I suggest you read a book by a therapist called Pete Walker about C-PTSD. He describes the effects of emotional parental abandonment. He has a website if you don't want to buy the book. They can be profound and affect masses of areas of your life including leading to addictions.

Does your counsellor specialise in addictions counselling, particularly the emotional drivers for addiction?

You are not a shitty person. Or a shitty mum. You are also very young and you can turn things around with the right support and help. Really good luck

@NotYourHolidayDick no please don't go quietly. Kick up a fuss and let people know you are suffering. Crazy coming from me. But please don't go quietly

Most alcohol services have differing levels of support/qualifications of staff. It's worth asking to see someone who can talk to you about things like drugs to stop cravings or your suitability for in-patient detox. Most alcohol services have access to a specialist Dr.

@leiderhosen my abuse was from my mum. She was always angry at me that my dad left. I grew up with a constant stream of, "ugh you look just like him" "you're so fat" "your dad is mental so so are you" etc.

notthere
I have ADHD, I'm the loudest fucker you'll ever not meet 😂

You'll be fine. I can tell from your posting style. You just need to crack the drink. It's a massive depressant, you won't even know how much until you give it up.

This may sound harsh but please address this for the sake of your daughter. Growing up with an alcoholic/addict parent is utterly shit, feeling like you were never important enough to be prioritised over the substance of choice. I hope you can get the help you need.

I don’t know a lot about this, but, often these posts are from the loved ones of people in this situation and I think ‘unless the person wants help it’s not going to change’.

But this situation, your situation, is the most positive I’ve read, as you want help and I believe you can do this.

@visitorthedog thank you, that made me smile. I do want to change. I have to change

I never had a bad childhood. There was definitely some physical and emotional abuse that happened

As PP says, you are massively minimising this. How is that not a bad childhood?!?

Best of luck.

Hi OP

Your childhood sounded awful. Think if all the people that have 'nomal' childhoods with no abuse, that end up with issues

Please get your prescription sorted

No advice but I think you're brave for posting and am rooting for you

OP that is exactly the kind of emotional abuse and parental abandonment I'm talking about. Have a look at this website and see if any of it resonates with you. pete-walker.com/index.htm

Tbh the language you use about yourself definitely sounds like someone who has suffered emotional trauma and attacks themselves. You've taken on board your mother's abuse as a survival mechanism. It made sense then to protect you from her (I doubt if she'd have taken well to you standing up to her!). But it doesn't serve you well any more as she no longer has power over you.

You can change this dynamic, but it takes several things: self awareness, kindness to yourself, grieving for all you've been through and the loving parent you wished for but didn't have, allowing yourself to heal, tackling the alcohol addiction and getting support.

Please take the first steps now. Don't look back in ten year's time and wish you'd started earlier.

Please take the meds the doctor prescribed and get your support network into action.
Just because other people have been through worse does not invalidate your suffering as a child.
Your daughter is now that same vulnerable child and she needs you.
You seem very self aware and your post is honest and brave. Just muster a bit more of that courage and grab life and hope.
You can do it

I know it's not that simple but honestly all that will disappear when you stop drinking, and I'm not patronising you, I've been where you are, for me it was more like a switch, it took me a long time to get to that point but I just didn't want to feel crap anymore. Like you I have no reason to be an alcoholic and on the surface I was completely functioning but it was ruining me. It's true you have two choices, nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, fight for it.

Have a fucking huge hug from me. Keep it with you for when you need it.

Be kind to yourself. You're young. You can improve your situation and it's worth it, both for your daughter and for yourself.

Take all the help/therapy you can get. I've had twelve counsellors and not paid for a single one of them. They came from a range of sources, charities, nhs etc and they all dealt with different aspects of my issues, according to their interests and expertise. I'm not perfect but I'm unrecognisable from the person I was before. I took talking therapies, not medication. I was clear with the gp that I would only take that route. You can get to a better place, and like previous posters, I believe you will.

I don't know about taking ADs when you're drinking a lot but I do believe they can help lift the depression and that might be what you need to focus on the challenge of getting off the alcohol. I do know people who have had success through AA. As PP said you're in a vicious cycle because the alcohol is a depressant and when you drink you feel you are failing and that pushes you further into depression and then you wonder what the point is and drink to take the pain away. You can get past this. You and your DD have a lot of life ahead of you.

Get that prescription ASAP. Don’t hold back about how you feel when talking to professionals. Maybe join some Facebook groups about getting sober so there are people there day and night who know how you feel.

You are a good person. Your daughter needs you. Be kind to yourself. Sending you a massive hug. You got this, I know you do!

Please give your DD a wonderful, happy & sober future with you

Your anxiety will go I promise you.

Please do it.

I believe you can do it.

I say this as a child of a drinker.