To think my life is unsalvageable?

[nothereforalongtime]

I'm not really sure if this is the correct place to be posting but I needed to write.

I am a 27 year old female, I am a single mum to a 6 year old DD.

And my life is fucked.

For as long as I remember I've had an issue with alcohol, I started drinking for fun at 11, went through many years of binge drinking, taking drugs (ket, cocaine, mdma etc) and have finally arrived at the stage of drinking myself into oblivion every single night.

I have luckily still got an amazing support network of friends and family who know about my drinking and my issues but I just can't seem to fix things. I have found myself lying and making up stories to get out of commitments so that I can drink and I know they don't believe it for a second.

I feel physically in pain everyday, constant knot in my stomach, the best way I can describe how I feel is a feeling of homesickness when I am at home. When I am with my people I have this constant, debilitating feeling of sadness. I manage to just keep it together but I am in agony.

I don't feel much, I feel no love towards my daughter or my family or my friends. I feel nothing. And when I do feel, it's a negative emotion which I drink to escape.

I am doing counselling and my counsellor suggested that I don't do housework during the day and instead leave it for nighttime when my DD is in bed to fend off my wine cravings. I mean really? If only it were that simple.

The thing is, on the outside I am a lucky person, everything in my life is great, but inside I am dealing with this overwhelming horrible sadness that makes me now understand why people decide to check out of life.

I ruin everything I touch, soooo many relationships been ruined because of my alcohol use, friendships have been the only constant in my life and for that I am grateful.

I am 27, I see myself at a cross road. One path is happy, clear and stable. The other path leads to death, and I seem to be choosing that path.

I never had a bad childhood. There was definitely some physical and emotional abuse that happened but why can't I get over that? I had it much better than other people. I grew up never asking for anything.

I've just never felt so close to hell before.

My GP prescribed me antidepressants but the prescription is still sat in my kitchen.

I feel like I want to get better but at the same time I don't. I feel like a broken person. I feel unlovable. I feel like my moral compass has broken. I feel like a shitty mum. I feel like a shitty person. I don't know how to escape this.

There is a way out of this. Everyone needs a strong emotional secure connection with a primary caregiver as a child. If this is not the case It’s effect can be incredibly destructive into adulthood. And the subsequent isolation, sense of loss and sadness can lead to depression and addictive behaviour, amongst other things.
I had similar feelings as what you described and I am on the path to recovery after seeing an amazing psychodynamic psychotherapist to deal with the root cause. I also saw other specialists to deal with other mental health issues that arose as a result of my childhood emotional difficulties.
I have felt hope for the first time.
But you do need to get all the help you can get and ensure the root cause is dealt with and then healing can occur.
There is a book called “running on empty” written by a psychologist called jonice Webb. If u read her website you might find it helpful. She talks about problems in adulthood caused by emotional neglect in childhood.