To think my life is unsalvageable?

[nothereforalongtime]

I'm not really sure if this is the correct place to be posting but I needed to write.

I am a 27 year old female, I am a single mum to a 6 year old DD.

And my life is fucked.

For as long as I remember I've had an issue with alcohol, I started drinking for fun at 11, went through many years of binge drinking, taking drugs (ket, cocaine, mdma etc) and have finally arrived at the stage of drinking myself into oblivion every single night.

I have luckily still got an amazing support network of friends and family who know about my drinking and my issues but I just can't seem to fix things. I have found myself lying and making up stories to get out of commitments so that I can drink and I know they don't believe it for a second.

I feel physically in pain everyday, constant knot in my stomach, the best way I can describe how I feel is a feeling of homesickness when I am at home. When I am with my people I have this constant, debilitating feeling of sadness. I manage to just keep it together but I am in agony.

I don't feel much, I feel no love towards my daughter or my family or my friends. I feel nothing. And when I do feel, it's a negative emotion which I drink to escape.

I am doing counselling and my counsellor suggested that I don't do housework during the day and instead leave it for nighttime when my DD is in bed to fend off my wine cravings. I mean really? If only it were that simple.

The thing is, on the outside I am a lucky person, everything in my life is great, but inside I am dealing with this overwhelming horrible sadness that makes me now understand why people decide to check out of life.

I ruin everything I touch, soooo many relationships been ruined because of my alcohol use, friendships have been the only constant in my life and for that I am grateful.

I am 27, I see myself at a cross road. One path is happy, clear and stable. The other path leads to death, and I seem to be choosing that path.

I never had a bad childhood. There was definitely some physical and emotional abuse that happened but why can't I get over that? I had it much better than other people. I grew up never asking for anything.

I've just never felt so close to hell before.

My GP prescribed me antidepressants but the prescription is still sat in my kitchen.

I feel like I want to get better but at the same time I don't. I feel like a broken person. I feel unlovable. I feel like my moral compass has broken. I feel like a shitty mum. I feel like a shitty person. I don't know how to escape this.

I'll meet you tomorrow outside the cancer ward of your local hospice. You can write your post again from in there.

That's really fucking unhelpful.

Often someone who is depressed knows there is other suffering out there and so feels more guilty and depressed for feeling depressed.

OP, you're doing so well to recognise you need help. That's the hardest bit.

nothereforalongtime Tell you what I think. Your a lot stronger than you might think you are. I think you badly want to get out of the drink addiction and others have done it and so can you, isn't going the be that easy but I really think you want to do it so please for your sake and that of the DD involved please at leat talk to AA and see what they advise.

Gut feeling is that it's going to be a good outcome:)

im so sorry your feeling this way.
to me i think one thing i see is you need a new therapist.just as in life there are people you click with and those you dont.but this person is sooooo important to find tht repore with.you have to trust them enough to hold you up and open up to.could you do that?they cant force you to get better.but they can open up things you cant raiotnalise yourself.they can listen.and they can just give you options.
becasue you do have options and you bloody deserve them.

you sound so sad.and that sadness can bring this doom feeling every single minute of the day.it smothers all good in your life.make it seem like every second soemthing bad is coming.and it can make you check out.it can make you on one hand numb and on the other too feeling!
it can make you not able to feel love or feel lovable.
but i can tell you you are lovable and DO deserve it.
if you were a bad person why would you care.you wouldnt be on here terrified confused and in need of help if you were a bad person
and you are one brave thing.
there is a way out of this.bloody hard work but there is.
its going to be scary.and you will want to go back to the 'safety'of the dark times often.and youll wonder why the hell you would want to go back to this shit.but somehow its imbedded now.at least this current scary you know.where as the big wide world?god that might seem overwhelming at times!but its yours to have,to shape,to form.you world can be at your pace.but this world isnt deserving of you.you are trapped in routine and behaviours and coping mechanisms that are slowly killing you.
you deserve out.
you deserve happy.
you deserve a way through this.
what could be your first step.dont look at this overwhelmig mind field of getting 'better' its step by step at your pace.
and you know what else.having people to support you when you have addiction or mental health illness is fucking vital.and you have that.so youve already one one round.
you can do this.there are people here for you too.let us in.
let other in.
anytime come and talk come and be held.because you deserve to be free

God almighty OP what a sad sad post. 💐 But this sounds to me like you've reached your rock bottom moment. Essentially you are stepping back and looking at the balance of your life. On one side of the scales you have the immediate crutch and comfort of alcohol.....but it is no more than a sticking plaster that keeps dropping off an ever deepening wound. On the other side of the scale is your daughter, the prospect of a full happy and joyful life, honest and free of lies.
There isn't only one person who can dig themselves out of this and it is you. Go to AA. They are the most inspiring group of people. There is no stereotypical alcoholic, you will see that when you go. People there will reach out to you and support you wholeheartedly. Many recovered alcoholics love helping and mentoring others; by looking back frequently they get a painful reminder of the devastation that alcohol is and it affirms their sobriety.
I'm a mum of an 18YO alcoholic. I'm currently using every fibre of my being to support my DC to sobriety. I will never accept my DC as an unrecovered alcoholic, because I feel if I do then I'd be kind of giving up on them as a person with all their potential....I can't do that. YOU have potential OP, the fact that you have friends says a lot about you.
Another resource that we are trying is Allen Carr Easy Way....seminar and book.
I'm thinking about you.....make a list tomrrow of what you are going to do, go online go to an AA....take concrete steps. YOU CAN DO THIS 💐

I don't know if anyone had mentioned it yet but there's a fantastic AMA thread by someone who quit drink. I was in awe reading it. See if you can find it.
Xx

When I went to AA a month ago (first time) as a mum of a teen alcoholic, so many kind people reached out to me. Such an amazing friendly bunch of people at various stages of recovery - some 20 years, others 5pm that day (last drink). No matter how shameful you consider your story to be OP, there's someone there like you with an even tougher tale to tell. I left that night with a youth mentor for my DC (we are meeting next week) and endless commitment and support. But it's not just about the struggle...it's also about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and there's plenty of those stories too.

Everyone thinks they are a bit broken. That’s the joy of being human. A million different facets not just one breed.
Alcohol is a nightmare. Someone posted about a really good book on here that said it’s only a “ problem” if you have to give it up. So addicting to fags or Coke etc peop,e say “well done” if you never touch it again. However with alcohol people say “ well, one won’t hurt”.

Realistically something else is going on. It’s a sticking plaster.Have you tried drinkiing but only on one day of the week? Even if you get hanmmetef it will be less than drinking every night. And you learn what your triggers are..routine,boredom,partner. I found it was having a drink that triggered the next but not having one was much easier. As long as I knew I could drink one dayy a week.

My DC has a counsellor and AD's - they're great. But I've quickly come to realise that ONLY a recovered alcoholic, ideally with some counselling skills, can truley understand at a deep level the struggle of alcohol addiction and how to beat the cravings. So without a shadow of doubt that is what you need. Good luck 💐

So brave OP! You’re amazing for admitting you have a problem and discussing it. Xx

@Nothingcomesforfree....but scaling back like to one day is just functional alcoholism or at best dry drunk. The op would still be trapped. Alcohol hijacks the real person from those that love them ...it steals their brain, it's awful. The only escape is lasting lifelong supported sobriety. She can do it!

It's a disease. The brain chemistry becomes irreparably altered through persistent heavy drinking in some people. Sod's law and not your fault. You are beyond denial OP. That's good. DENIAL = Do Not Even kNow I Am Lying. You're being truthful now, that's a major first step. Don't waste another day starting from tomrrow. AA runs 7 days a week....there will be a meeting near you tomrrow.

Contrary to what you say, your upbringing sounds horrific. You don’t have to be beaten black and blue or whatever you might imagine to have had an awful childhood.. if I had a mum who behaved like yours I’d be severely damaged now, as would most people. Please don’t minimise this.

You need and deserve support, and you can beat this, but you have to really want it more than anything. Do you?

Sounds like classic depression, why on Earth Aren't you taking your prescription?!?

You're 27, there are many years left where you will find joy.

You need to get it sorted for your daughter. What if something happened in the night and you were too drunk? Please go to AA

Ohio Clearly you are more familiar with cancer than any person would like to be and I'm sorry for that. But this isn't a 'who has it worst' competition. OP feels lower than whale shit at the bottom of the ocean. It does not matter why she feels this way, the important point is that she does feel this way.

It's worth remembering that you can drown just as quickly in 1 metre of water as you can in 30 metres.

Just wanted to echo the thoughts and advice of PPs. There is a link between trauma and addiction - Leiderhosen posted a few links regarding this, I think. Alcohol can be a huge facilitator of both depression and self-criticism; and I speak from personal experience. A therapist who can work with trauma as well as addiction could really help you. You have everything to live for, and your little one needs you.

You're drinking to escape your depression OP, so you really, really need to address the depression first(then consider AA if you're still drinking when things improve). Please take the anti d's, they take 3weeks to kick in & you may need a stronger dose if they dont (I needed stronger dose which then kicked in immediately & difference was incredible). You didn't have a good childhood if there was abuse: you are normalising it, which is a very common coping strategy. Things can get better, but it needs a combination of things: meds to get you out of the downhill slide, talking therapy to process & come to terms with your abuse & finally, a good support network. Best of luck.

@nothereforalongtime it was so brave of you to post.

I agree with PPs.

Take the antidepressants, and speak to someone.

I think your acknowledgment of this is a massive step and you should be proud of it!

You’re minimizing a lot about your childhood and I think a therapist will help to deal with it so you can heal from it.

Forgive me for asking this bluntly but you say you don’t care about anyone or anything at the moment. Is your daughter safe? Taken care of?

If you don’t feel able to care for her right now is there anyone she can stay with?

AA

It saved me from myself and freed me to be who I knew I was but my alcohol use had been fucking up.

I was Jekel and Hyde.

Go. Make the first step. Reach out and get the help you need. One of the most effective things for me was realizing alcoholics are normal people. Drs, nurses, lawyers, cleaners, parents, men, woman. My shame was their story too and this was freeing enough to let me move myself forward.

It can feel indoctrinating, but take what you need and allow the process to work for you.

@Ohio it’s posts like yours that contribute to the overall stigma of mental health problems. Yes cancer’s a bitch, for those that have it and for their families and friends - but it’s a concrete disease, like heart disease or epilepsy or a broken leg. People get better or they don’t, but it’s not a stigmatising diagnosis.

Mental illnesses like depression, or post traumatic stress disorder, or addiction, are seen as a “lesser disease”, and so sufferers are reluctant to get help, or even admit there’s a problem. They can be as debilitating or more so as any physical illness and sadly in some cases it can be just as terminal.

So no - your post was not helpful. It’s not a game of Rock Paper Scissors where cancer trumps other, equally valid, life limiting illnesses.

OP - your life is not unsalvageable but it’s not going to be easy. I second the previous suggestions of help from external agencies, like AA, to get you through the addiction. I’d also recommend a good clinical psychologist to help you unpack the childhood abuse and trauma issues in a safe space and definitely consider taking anti depressants. One day at a time.

@TrexDrip I don't feel like I have any love towards my daughter unfortunately. I never drank when I was pregnant with her at all, and of course I have felt love towards her. She has no idea I would feel otherwise, I shower her with affection because that's what she deserves. She is hilarious and amazing and deserves better from a mum and I know that. But I genuinely don't feel any love towards her or anyone else.

Thank you everyone for all your kind words. I appreciate it. It's helping and I am looking at getting to an AA meeting tomorrow.

@OhioOhioOhio I'm sorry that you are going through that. Of course we all have our own personal struggles and there is no comparison. I hope you get better soon. And I hope I get better soon.

How are you for money OP? I ask because if you have it, look into a week long intense treatment called the Hoffman Process. It saved my life at your age with a v similar issue and it deals with childhood trauma and self worth.

OP, I think it's really positive how open you've been. I don't have a drink problem, but I do have depression and anxiety after losing my DD to cancer. What you describe, sounds very much like how my anxiety feels. The numbness and lack of feeling, resonates very well. I feel nervous all the time.

I'd give your antidepressants a go. What have you got to lose?

As for being in physical pain, I'd talk to your GP about that, I'm no expert but you could have an ulcer or something.

OP, I really hope you can kick your habit. It's shit feeling so low. I'm teetotal for the reason of, if I started drinking, I might not stop.

All the best to you, you sound like you have everything going for you, I understand about being at a crossroads, chose the happy one, chose a good life for you and your daughter. Get all the help you can. You can do this. It's anxiety telling you that everything you touch goes bad. Xxx