To think my life is unsalvageable?

[nothereforalongtime]

I'm not really sure if this is the correct place to be posting but I needed to write.

I am a 27 year old female, I am a single mum to a 6 year old DD.

And my life is fucked.

For as long as I remember I've had an issue with alcohol, I started drinking for fun at 11, went through many years of binge drinking, taking drugs (ket, cocaine, mdma etc) and have finally arrived at the stage of drinking myself into oblivion every single night.

I have luckily still got an amazing support network of friends and family who know about my drinking and my issues but I just can't seem to fix things. I have found myself lying and making up stories to get out of commitments so that I can drink and I know they don't believe it for a second.

I feel physically in pain everyday, constant knot in my stomach, the best way I can describe how I feel is a feeling of homesickness when I am at home. When I am with my people I have this constant, debilitating feeling of sadness. I manage to just keep it together but I am in agony.

I don't feel much, I feel no love towards my daughter or my family or my friends. I feel nothing. And when I do feel, it's a negative emotion which I drink to escape.

I am doing counselling and my counsellor suggested that I don't do housework during the day and instead leave it for nighttime when my DD is in bed to fend off my wine cravings. I mean really? If only it were that simple.

The thing is, on the outside I am a lucky person, everything in my life is great, but inside I am dealing with this overwhelming horrible sadness that makes me now understand why people decide to check out of life.

I ruin everything I touch, soooo many relationships been ruined because of my alcohol use, friendships have been the only constant in my life and for that I am grateful.

I am 27, I see myself at a cross road. One path is happy, clear and stable. The other path leads to death, and I seem to be choosing that path.

I never had a bad childhood. There was definitely some physical and emotional abuse that happened but why can't I get over that? I had it much better than other people. I grew up never asking for anything.

I've just never felt so close to hell before.

My GP prescribed me antidepressants but the prescription is still sat in my kitchen.

I feel like I want to get better but at the same time I don't. I feel like a broken person. I feel unlovable. I feel like my moral compass has broken. I feel like a shitty mum. I feel like a shitty person. I don't know how to escape this.

@otterturk I am good for money, i will look into that. Thank you very much

@Seahorseshoe I'm so so sorry that you went through that

It's about £3k but it transformed my life when I felt very much like how you describe. Please do.

I’m 8 years sober and finally found joy after 20 years numb. If you are reaching out now, it’s not too late. It is possible, it really is. I had a couple of amazing friends who intervened, one even came to my first therapy session with me, talk about exposing, snotty sobbing, the works.
So... for me, I tried, in no particular order
Group therapy
Individual therapy
Psychiatrist
Antidepressants
NLP
AA
Naltrexone
Read every book, every blog, joined every alcoholic internet site
You can do this :)
Good luck, and know you’re not alone

I’ve been around depression and addiction and all the research around it for many years and I am really interested in this man’s work.

www.theguardian.com/books/2018/jan/17/lost-connections-johann-hari-review

He really spins the current thinking of addiction on its head (that we become chemically addicted to substances in a biological sense) to a place where we can see addiction stemming from sadness, and like his book says ‘lost connections’

It is very clear from your posts that you have a massive lost connection in your life, that of your mother who never connected with you in any healthy way. And this is in the context that we do need a connection with a caregiver when we are children.

That’s why it’s so important not to minimise that lost connection with your mother.

If you are interested in his work, obviously he has a book but he’s also on some podcasts that you can listen to whenever. The link he makes between addiction and sadness is really well presented and comforting

m.youtube.com/watch?v=CDpjvFn4wgM

samharris.org/podcasts/142-addiction-depression-meaningful-life/

*get to AA. you can sit through meetings hating it and hating life and hating everyone there but it doesn’t matter as long as you’re there and listening to other alcoholics’ stories and you commit to listening out for the SIMILARITIES not the differences to your own story.

my life was a mess, also at a crossroads. AA literally saved my life*

I wanted to repost this pp's post because it is exactly what I wanted to say.

Please go to an AA meeting. Even if you hate it and think it is all nonsense. I have been going over 2 years and am almost 2 years sober. I am 45 and my daughter is grown up now. I honestly felt like I had no place being in the world at all.

You will meet other people - other mother's - who won't judge you and who understand. You were brave to articulate how you don't think you feel love for your daughter. Am going to pm you just to let you know where I live in case I'm nearby and can help by coming with you to a meeting. Feel free to ignore it.

Please remember you are worth it and loved. Alcohol addiction is a cruel disease, it's very hard to stop drinking but people do, people here on mumsnet, people in my life have done it. Your counsellor suggestions evening housework isn't as crazy as it seems, doing something to take your mind off that next drink. The only thing that worked for my friend was a 100% dry house, not even cooking rice wine, and keeping very busy, took extra work from home in the evening, friends and family rallied at the weekends etc. for about 2 months, then it got easier, she's 6+ years dry now and can be in a restaurant with others drinking, but she still avoids pubs.

and of course I have felt love towards her. She has no idea I would feel otherwise, I shower her with affection because that's what she deserves. She is hilarious and amazing and deserves better from a mum

Sounds like you love her to me OP. Love isn't something tangible you can grab hold of but I reckon there is love there. Otherwise you wouldn't care at all.

I think you can do this - where there is life there is hope and you don't want to live like this.

Thank you all

Keep going OP. You sound like a kind mother. Just because you don’t ‘feel’ anything doesn’t mean you don’t care - you demonstrate that by your actions. You are taking the right steps - keep going! Maybe find something to focus your mind when u get destructive thoughts (eg taking a course online or doing exercise)

Feeling numb and detached is caused by trauma. It can change. You're not bad or unworthy.

Its really hard to feel love for anyone when depressed. Ive known when my depression has got really serious when i didnt give a shit about anyone and anything even my own family. I could have quite happily not seen any of them again at some points in my life.

This is when you need to do some treatment. You need to take this into your own hands and you owe it to your child, if not yourself, to do whatever you can to get yourself better, because you do deserve to feel ok. Life doesnt have to be shit, and loads of people need therapy and they need some meds.
If your prescription is sitting there on the sideboard and you havent tried it, and youre not in therapy, then what exactly HAVE you tried before writing it all off?

The drinking is going to be making depression worse. It relieves anxiety, and you pay for that with the depression.

Google your local 12 steps program, and get in touch with them.
Make this summer/year the start when you try and make a start into feeling better. Unpicking some of the shit youve been through and your upbringing and your unhealthy coping strategies which are making things worse

He really spins the current thinking of addiction on its head (that we become chemically addicted to substances in a biological sense) to a place where we can see addiction stemming from sadness, and like his book says ‘lost connections’

At least for alcoholism, the etiology and biochemical basis for the addiction is well understood at the molecular level. There's nothing theoretical of speculative about it. People do indeed get "chemically addicted" to it.

Molecular basis of alcoholism

Absolutely rooting for you, OP

People do indeed get "chemically addicted" to it.

The chemical hook is such a small factor when you look at why people get addicted. With this explanation, there is no room for why some people can have just one drink and for others it becomes an addiction. Even the 12 steps programme is based on this 'spiritual malardy'

The chemical hook is such a small factor when you look at why people get addicted

Then why do alcoholics experience delirium tremens when they undergo ethanol withdrawal? Why are there medications that curb alcohol cravings?

With this explanation, there is no room for why some people can have just one drink and for others it becomes an addiction.

There's a strong genetic predisposition for alcoholism:

Genetics and alcoholism

Regular, substantial ingestion of alcohol is also required to develop the disease.

Even the 12 steps programme is based on this 'spiritual malardy'

AA's roots are overtly Christian. The malady was one of the "bedevilments". When it was started there was no medical understanding of addiction.

I'm a Christian. I just got back from church actually. I spent many years in AA as well. I'm also an HCP. Understanding the nature of the disease is an important factor in both treating it and recovering from it.

OP you are young and, most importantly, you still have people who love and support you. These things may not always be true. There is never going to be a better time to get well than right now.

In terms of your childhood trauma, I’d recommend EMDR - I saw an ad on MN for a digital EMDR service which is much cheaper than in-person sessions. I think that if you address the underlying trauma, the addiction will be easier to handle

I recently quit an addiction that has been a huge emotional crutch for me after a great deal of trauma. If I can do it, you can do it. Hang in there

OP, the way you write about your alcoholism and depression sounds very much like the way Marian Kees writes about hers. She has been sober for twenty+ years now I think but the way she describes how she felt when she was in the throes sounds so very much like your post. It makes me believe there is a great future for you; that you can take that clear path you see towards happiness. I have no personal experience but I know that AA has worked for her.

Sorry, that should say Marian Keyes.

@nothereforalongtime just saying hi and if it’s been a good day, then great, but if not, you’re further along into your days where you realised you wanted to change this

I believe you can do this, OP. I've got/had alcoholic family members myself and I know it's true that you have to want the help to get help and turn your life around.
Do it for both your daughter and yourself. It won't be easy but it will be worth it!

Just a little hello to say I’m thinking of you. I was so moved by your post, could totally relate to that hopeless feeling. So many people here behind you. It’s possible and life can be wonderful. Please keep reaching out x

My step dad was a chronic alcoholic, went through life for 15 years binge drinking hating everyone and everything, he got a massive wake up call when my dm kicked him out and he started going to AA, 10 years later he is happy and sober and a counsellor himself and he and dm are back together

Give AA a try, it will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your dc

Hi Nothere! How's it going? Thinking of you. Did you manage to get to an AA meeting? You know, you can ring their helpline and they can find out your nearest meeting and get someone to meet you.

Is childcare a problem with meetings? Some meetings are child-friendly. Something the phone line could advise you about.

Don't feel bad if you have done precisely nothing and are still drinking by the way. Starting this thread was a brave move but it doesn't mean change will happen immediately.

How are you doing OP?
I can totally relate. Addiction is crippling.
As others have said - some AA meetings are child friendly. And someone would definitely meet you and take you to a meeting if you feel up to it. I hope you’re ok.