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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand graduations?

264 replies

notjustanexpat · 13/07/2019 13:37

I have several degrees. Always attended graduation in person, because family and DP were excited to attend and "see me graduate". I did not hate it but also gained nothing from it, besides getting the physical degree earlier than I would have if it were mailed.

I will also happily attend other people's graduation ceremonies and cheer for them. If it is important to them, of course I will be there to celebrate them!

But I do not get it. Why would anyone want to travel back to their place of study and spend a small fortune, to sit around an overheated hall for 2h just to walk on a stage for less than 30 seconds. Why not go out and have nice local dinner instead, or throw a big local party?

If you're still living where you studied, sure, why not - but most people I know moved away in between finishing the course and the graduation ceremony. I always had to travel and/or pay 1-2 months rent when I could have been elsewhere, actually working.

I get the desire to celebrate getting a degree but the ceremony is just beyond me. I have already graduated. If I don't attend, the degree is still signed - the ceremony is only symbolic!

My PhD graduation will be next year and DH + family are really excited to attend. Travel time, one-way: 3.5h(us), 10h (family). Money: min. £300 for us, probably 4 digits per person for my family.

I am seriously considering to graduate in absentia, have a local party with family after finishing any corrections (all family live in the same place) and have a nice dinner with DH the day the degree comes through.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GiraffeMomma · 13/07/2019 15:23

I'm going to my third next week, and I can't wait! If I continue studying I'll go to them too, I love the pomp and circumstance of the day and also see it as a sort of reward for all the hard work I've done. In the past I've taken days off work to go and don't regret it, the photos are up in my house and they're lovely memories of lovely days 😊

Benjispruce · 13/07/2019 15:30

YANBU

rocketmen · 13/07/2019 15:33

I went through hell to get my degree, was diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses and mental illnesses through it and almost didn't graduate. It was a huge thing for me and my family that I actually did in the end.

YABU, sorry.

Msgiggles30 · 13/07/2019 15:50

I agree hated mine so boring and costly..so I didn't attend my second one. However I didnt see my degrees as an achievement as such more just a necessity for the job I wanted but that's just my train of thought 🤷‍♀️ and each to their own

80sMum · 13/07/2019 15:58

My DC has two degrees and didn't attend either of the graduation ceremonies. Neither did I, of course. The only discernable difference between attending and not attending is that we don't have the obligatory photos of DC in gown and mortar board clutching a mock degree scroll.

stucknoue · 13/07/2019 16:07

It's ridiculous but it's a way of showing how proud they are of you. People travel from overseas even. Most universities have online feed now so your relatives could watch from home if you attend as an alternative but achieving a PhD is amazing, if they want to spend the money (and it doesn't leave them short) let them be proud. I will be at my DD's graduations for sure, however many degrees they do whatever the cost! Been to every leavers assembly and prize giving too, it's what mums do.

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2019 16:12

You have several degrees, which means at least three, possibly more, and are now doing a phd?

I think if I was the eternal student I'd feel the same.

gabsdot · 13/07/2019 16:16

I went to my graduation to receive my degree.
I felt very clever and proud of myself.

Passthecherrycoke · 13/07/2019 16:20

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit no joke! The do a music ceremony and everything. So cute

timeforakinderworld · 13/07/2019 17:26

I think if I was the eternal student I'd feel the same.
You do know you can study and work? I got my MA and my PhD while working and finished the latter twenty years after my first graduation!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 13/07/2019 18:17

Cue the snippy comments about the multiple degree-ceremonies ... oops. Too late.

I went because it meant a lot to other people. As far as I was personally concerned I didn't mind either way, but it's not as if you have to repeat the experience multiple times unless you become an academic and attend the ceremonies for the sake of your students.

A second PhD is usually a monograph! Producing two doctoral theses is tantamount to masochism unless you intend to switch to an entirely different discipline. I don't imagine many people do this, although I've heard of one or two. Mad fools ...

Congratulations on your coming graduation. Enjoy your moment whatever you decide!

The80sweregreat · 13/07/2019 18:55

I enjoyed my son's and the professor in charge made them all stand up and clap us parents that had helped them to achieve their grades. I thought that was lovely as many kids can't go down this route without some help from family these days ( emotional or financial support)
It was nice to have a day out as a family but I agree the cost was huge so it does have down sides to it

CollaterlyS1sters · 13/07/2019 21:57

@StrawberrySundance

You may as well start asking why people bother with weddings, baptisms, birthday parties, funerals and any other kind of celebration.

Indeed. This is how I feel about all of these occasions. I never did any of them either. (Funeral won't be my decision ultimately.)

Original poster
notjustanexpat · 13/07/2019 22:49

@MarieIVanArkleStinks I - against all odds in this job market Shock - am already working as a lecturer. That is why I want to buy the robe rather than hire it. There is no chance of me getting a second PhD, although I am considering a career path that would mean a second (as standard funded/paid for) doctorate. I am the first to attend uni in my family, though, they would probably be satisfied after the PhD. No "need" to attend any non-PhD ceremony, they don't quite get the difference and will think it is a promotion or something similar (there is a language barrier, too - a doctorate is a doctorate in most languages).

Because it keeps coming up: I wanted to elope, husband wanted a massive wedding. So we took the best of both worlds and had an amazing wedding with the people closest to us. This suited both people the day focused on. I am not religious, so no baptism, and avoid celebrating my birthday - although the PhD coincides with me turning 30, which is another reason why I think a big local family party would be nice(r). We have people over all the time, my birthday is special because DH organises something just for me, which I very much appreciate. DH loves being around a ton of people, so I always organise a big party for him, which he loves. Husband and me both agree on anonymous funerals, parents all want a big happy party for theirs. Not everyone is into massive ceremonies.

OP posts:
irregularegular · 13/07/2019 22:57

YANBU at all. My first degree, yes, I did do the graduation properly. It felt meaningful to mark it, I think it meant something to my parents and sister too, and I was still in the same city doing my Master's anyway.

Master's degree, I didn't bother to graduate (you can choose your date) until boyfriend (now husband) was getting his doctorate. He hadn't had a graduate ceremony in the UK before and his family wanted to come over and mark it. Me graduating at the same time gave him more tickets. Again, we were nearby ourselves.

PhD. I graduated in absentia. I was in a different country. Continent even. It was my daughter's first birthday in the same week, so we had a joint (fairly low key) party. Mainly first birthday to be honest, but we did note my graduation too.

I think in general graduations get less interesting with each one...

MaintainTheMolehill · 13/07/2019 23:14

YANBU, it's a celebration of what YOU have achieved so if you don't want the big ceremony why bother?

I am a bit confused though why this is basically the biggest achievement academically that you will have yet you wont attend this one but have attended others.
Not on the same level but I've just completed an HND which has a graduation ceremony that I won't be attending. However when I finish my degree next year wild horses wouldn't keep me away from graduation.

ShastaBeast · 13/07/2019 23:27

I enjoyed my son's and the professor in charge made them all stand up and clap us parents that had helped them to achieve their grades.

WTAF. I can understand this for nursery graduation but university. My parents contributed very little, aside from a place to live etc growing up. All my degree success was mine minus a few lifts to and from uni from my Dad, which he’d have done if I was working elsewhere rather than studying. I’d have been furious! Not all students are pampered middle class snot rags.

TearingMeApart · 13/07/2019 23:35

YANBU. I never got it either. I was forced to go to my high school graduation because my mom threw a fit. My undergrad was in the UK and even then my parents would have spent thousands of dollars flying out. Not to mention I’d have to spend about £80 on tickets, £50 on gown rental, and money on hair and makeup and whatever. So I didn’t give them the option. I took the £200 I would have spent on being bored out of my mind and went to see Arctic Monkeys with a friend instead. My mom was a bit annoyed, but she visited later that year and actually spent the week doing fun things, so everyone won. My masters has been hell on earth, and I’ll be graduating with a partial degree, so that one I’m definitely not attending if only out of embarrassment.

Malvinaa81 · 13/07/2019 23:38

Well as you say "several degrees" was a bit of a mistake-perhaps you are Chancellor of "several" universities, and a graduate of Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard and the Sorbonne, and a Doctor of Divinity, and Surgeon to the Queen.

If you don't want to go to one of your multiple graduations, just don't.

But do stop boasting about it- it's so tedious.

midgeland · 13/07/2019 23:39

YWBU to miss this one after doing the rest - the PhD hat is the best hat.

Trickyteens · 14/07/2019 07:51

You aren't unreasonable at all. They are a racket, and I felt the same.

Oblomov19 · 14/07/2019 08:05

I enjoyed mine. But then I like celebrations. Christenings, marriages, holy communions, parties and get togethers generally.

As others have said, why do people have parties and get togethers? It's because most crave human interaction and friendship. Some of you sound right miseries!!

I was proud of mine, my efforts to get it, my black cloak. I liked the fact my parents came.

daisyboocantoo · 14/07/2019 09:05

YANBU.

I skipped my graduation and went to a Chinese restaurant with the family instead. We had a great time.

CollaterlyS1sters · 14/07/2019 13:40

@Oblomov19 As others have said, why do people have parties and get togethers? It's because most crave human interaction and friendship. Some of you sound right miseries!!

Funny how often it's the "hey I'm such a fun-loving party person, me!" types who like to insult anyone who feels differently.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/07/2019 12:39

Not everyone is into massive ceremonies.

I hear you. We eloped too. :)

why do people have parties and get togethers? It's because most crave human interaction and friendship. Some of you sound right miseries!!

Human interaction and friendship are more than possible without holding huge, formalized events. And the fact that some people choose to do things differently is simply a matter of preference (and, dare I say it, not capitulating to conventional expectation). It's not intended as a personal affront.

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