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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent my husband's life post children?

93 replies

Sandybval · 12/07/2019 19:55

I know I am very fortunate in many ways, but I really can't help feeling resentful to my DH since having a child. His job has never involved a lot of travel, so when we were discussing starting a family it never really came up as an issue- but since she has been born he has been away every weekday, and for 3 months at once (she is not even 1 yet!). As well as being lonely, when I go back to work I am going to have to work full time (which was the plan and I was excited for it as I love my job), and then look after her alone all week. I know plenty of people do this, and I have upmost respect for them, but it feels so unequal; we earn about the same each so it isn't like he is going away to earn money to solely keep a roof over our heads, we have always, and still do, pay equal amounts to bills (I am living on my savings now as mat leave draws to an end). I know I am fortunate and not sure what I am hoping for this to achieve, I guess it just helps to write it down on an anon forum. When he is here he is very involved (as he should be), so I feel a bit guilty talking about it in real life. I just feel exhausted, and resentful when this isn't what we planned (which I know is the case for many people, but I feel a bit decieved).

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandybval · 12/07/2019 19:56

AIBU to feel this way? Or do I need to give my head a wobble and be thankful for what I have!

OP posts:
Lockheart · 12/07/2019 19:57

What has changed in his job? Is it likely to continue? Can he move to another role without travel?

MeanMrMustardSeed · 12/07/2019 19:58

I can’t get over that you are living off your savings as you are still paying half of all bills while maternity leave.

formerbabe · 12/07/2019 19:58

I am living on my savings now as mat leave draws to an end). I know I am fortunate

Sorry to say but you are not fortunate if you're living on your savings.

Forensicpsych · 12/07/2019 19:58

Sorry - what do you mean by ‘I am living on my savings now as mat leave draws to an end’?

HouseworkAvoider10 · 12/07/2019 20:00

Sounds like financial abuse to me.

KatharinaRosalie · 12/07/2019 20:01

So he lives like a single guy while you are basically solely responsible for taking care of your daughter, and paying half the bills. Where's the 'lucky' part? For you I mean.

cptartapp · 12/07/2019 20:02

Living on your savings?! Wtf!
And you should pay bills in proportion to what you earn. Not half.
You're being done over on all fronts here. Wake up!

Reallybadidea · 12/07/2019 20:02

It feels unequal because it is unequal. Did he ever ask whether you were OK with this arrangement or did he just assume that you'd be happy to do sole childcare while he's away with work. What would happen if you needed to go away with work? Are you absolutely sure that he hasn't engineered this situation so that he can duck out of doing his fair share of domestic duties? What happens when he is around?

GertrudeCB · 12/07/2019 20:06

Wow. He saw you coming.

Parker231 · 12/07/2019 20:06

Why is he not supporting you through maternity leave? Why did he change job to one being away when you started a family?

scott2609 · 12/07/2019 20:06

The financial dynamics alone sound absurdly unequal. You absolutely should not be dipping into your savings just because you’re the one on maternity leave! You’ve got a baby, why aren’t you putting all your income into one pot?

Did he have a choice about whether to accept the travel with his job post-baby? If yes, did he discuss this with you or did he just agree and assume it was ok?

But anyway, YANBU- I would feel highly resentful.

Somersetlady · 12/07/2019 20:10

Sit down and talk to him calmly and rationally. For the sake of your child you need to find a balance that works for all of you.

My husband is away at least 3 nights a week normally monday-friday he was supposed to end this before we had children be we have 2 boys and 5 years later it’s the same.

I find that having a routine is paramount if this foes continue and mine are asleep for 6.30 each evening so i have some time to myself.

Best of luck tell him how you feel

averylongtimeago · 12/07/2019 20:10

"Living on my savings" oh that sounds very good- for him.
Does he actually contribute to his child at all? Apart from changing the odd nappy at weekends?

PicsInRed · 12/07/2019 20:12

He's a cunt.

When he is here he is very involved

Right, but he's never fucking there, is here? He probably designed it that way. Funny how all this travel came about so recently, at a time when most family men would be trying to scale it back a bit.

Paying for maternity leave from your savings. 🤨

Keep the job.

Lose the cunt.

LannieDuck · 12/07/2019 20:13

I'm guessing you have separate finances?

If he's expecting you to make an equal financial contribution during your maternity leave, you should absolutely expect him to make an equal contribution to childcare (both during and after your mat leave).

That might mean him paying a larger share of the nursery fees to make up for the fact that he can't do drop-offs / pick-ups. Or perhaps he should be responsible for finding&paying for a nanny/childminder to do the pick-ups every day?

Alternatively, he could acknowledge that you've had to take on a disproportionate burden of childcare, and he should therefore have taken on a larger burden of finances during mat leave. And then you discuss as a team what a more fair arrangement would be going forward.

I echo others in asking - what's changed in his job?

John470322 · 12/07/2019 20:20

It takes two to make a baby and two should make sacrifices to care for the baby.
He needs to be a man and tell his employer that her will be t home to look after his baby on a minimum of four evenings every week.

NotStayingIn · 12/07/2019 20:25

Why on earth are you using your savings? Do you not see how flipping bizarre that is? The problem you’re having now is from the same root cause as you living of your savings. There is no equality here whatsoever.

Jaxhog · 12/07/2019 20:31

If he's expecting you to make an equal financial contribution during your maternity leave, you should absolutely expect him to make an equal contribution to childcare (both during and after your mat leave).

He does realize he's 50% responsible for a family, doesn't he? I'm absolutely astonished that he's not supporting you through your maternity leave. No decent H would expect you to fund your own maternity leave with your savings!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/07/2019 20:31

I'd echo what others have said. I hope you mean joint savings. You shouldn't be doing 99% of childcare AND paying for the privilege!

My husband travels though not as much as yours. I hate it as well. But he did reduce it as much as possible in the first 6 months. And when hes home he does more to compensate. And he earns double what I do. I know other people in his industry and company and know he cant really do that job without travel and changing industry would be a giant pay cut

Have you spoken to him? Woukd he be willing to change career or reteaun? What would happen if you were ill or something?

HollowTalk · 12/07/2019 20:32

So is he only home at weekends? How did his job change that much?

BrendasUmbrella · 12/07/2019 20:32

Why are you living on your savings and still contributing to bills equally when the situation isn't equal?!

greytminds · 12/07/2019 20:33

Why the sudden change and how did it just happen, and why was it not discussed at the time his work role changed? That’s the bit I struggle with - it sounds like it’s just happened to you, without you getting any say in the matter. That’s not how a partnership should work.

Even before kids, when I took a job requiring me to be away three nights a week, I discussed it at length with my husband and we agreed what would and wouldn’t work for us both, before I even considered accepting it.

I hate to say this to, but being away every weekday is a lot and by doing this he is making a conscious choice to remove himself from the family. I’d be worried about an affair with someone so able to detach.

My DH can’t get home from work fast enough to do bath and bedtime every night, and he considers himself an equal parent, with equal responsibility. Anything less just wouldn’t cut it. Mind you, he doesn’t do it because I demand it, he does it because he loves that precious hour with DD every night.

My dad worked away like that when I was younger. Turned out he was having an 11 year affair, so I accept my view is coloured by this experience.

You need to talk to him about the traveling and come up with an arrangement that works better for you all.

NannyRed · 12/07/2019 20:34

This reply has been deleted

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PeoniesarePink · 12/07/2019 20:35

He sounds like he's still living the life of a single man, to be honest.

What exactly are you getting out of this arrangement?

You do need to give your head a wobble. Big time.

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