To resent my husband's life post children?

[Sandybval]

I know I am very fortunate in many ways, but I really can't help feeling resentful to my DH since having a child. His job has never involved a lot of travel, so when we were discussing starting a family it never really came up as an issue- but since she has been born he has been away every weekday, and for 3 months at once (she is not even 1 yet!). As well as being lonely, when I go back to work I am going to have to work full time (which was the plan and I was excited for it as I love my job), and then look after her alone all week. I know plenty of people do this, and I have upmost respect for them, but it feels so unequal; we earn about the same each so it isn't like he is going away to earn money to solely keep a roof over our heads, we have always, and still do, pay equal amounts to bills (I am living on my savings now as mat leave draws to an end). I know I am fortunate and not sure what I am hoping for this to achieve, I guess it just helps to write it down on an anon forum. When he is here he is very involved (as he should be), so I feel a bit guilty talking about it in real life. I just feel exhausted, and resentful when this isn't what we planned (which I know is the case for many people, but I feel a bit decieved).

Eton, Is your DH telling you it’s normal? Because it is not, not in any shape or form. Even benefits are assessed on joint income assuming the partners will support each other as a default. Before the state steps in. No, definitely not normal.

Hey @EtonM3ss I also did what you did.

Once I found out I was pregnant I put a sum of money away each month, so I could have a chunk of disposable income during the tighter months of mat.

I don’t think that’s weird or says anything about my relationship with my OH. I wanted to do that.

I don’t consider it eating into my savings, which are separate - and my OH paid the household bills throughout my ordinary mat and the full mortgage during my additional mat.

I just decided I fancied more than £500 a month to live on.

Why are you living in savings????? He should be paying all bills whilst you're not earning and doing 100% childcare!!!!

Yep, as a minimum. A decent husband and Dad will also actively chip in after work looking after the baby/doing chores to help his wife at this demanding time. Because he cares about his wife and his child.

Some men behave in an utterly disgusting way. And unashamedly take advantage when the woman is vulnerable. Boils my p*.

Oh love, you’ve been hoodwinked into having a baby’s with an arsehole.

Why the fuck are you using savings whilst on MN? Really once you have children you need to pool resources so neither of you are disadvantaged.

And of course your envious of his life, it hasn’t changed. He’s got a wife, kid, sex, no responsibilities and he’s not even paying for it! Winner winner!

You need A Serious Talk

I can't believe people are using savings for mat leave, while their partner spends the same as usual.

If your husband was on pat leave and you working full time. Would you expect to keep all of your spare cash for yourself, whilst he saved his to pay for pat leave?

What kind of utter arsehole would you have to be to do that!

So he's away all week every week?
That's not on.
My DH travels for work and can be away 1-4 nights a week, but it varies and some weeks he is home all week. I'm a SAHM and I agree with a PP who mentioned routine. I have a routine and find it helpful to stick to it.
But your situation sounds different.

That BOTH of you are saving and using the joint savings when the income drops - fine, of course. But that's not what we're talking about - OP is still expected to contribute 50% financially and 99% in childcare.
I've also known many women to personally save to stay home longer - missing the fact that if they didn't, they (BOTH) would need to pay for childcare.

Thanks everyone, we spoke last night, and he has said he is going to go back to contracting (so he won't be away) and then look for something permanent close to home with no travelling. Also that we will sort the finances out. I'm a big believer in actions speaking louder than words though, and saying what someone wants to hear being easier than the truth. So I'm going to see if this happens, but also start to plan what I'm going to do if not.

Wow! Men can really "have it all" these days, can't they? A woman who will give birth to their children, do all the childcare and pay for the pleasure herself, while his career and lifestyle stays intact! Hooray for the modern, self-sufficient wife.

Maybe thats why were divorcing

@Sandybval you honestly sound like such a lovely and kind person. I hope it all works out for you

If he's on a mega salary, then being away may be ok.
If not it's not.
Savings? wtf?

Never ceases to maze me the number of women on here who take on all the financial and emotional burden of raising the next generation and I act like they should be grateful because a man lives with them in their house. Where does the bullshit come from? You need to expect MUCH more OP. You are partners. His earnings are only possible because you are at home raising his child for fuck all. He brings nothing of value to this partnership. What a disgusting joke of a man.

@PapayaCoconut I agree. A lot of us act like we have it all now but we don't because our "partners" are still expecting the same crap that they were expecting from us in the 50s! For example - I'm sat here on a Saturday, watching my DCs and getting on the lunch/laundry whilst my H is leisurely sat upstairs playing on his XBox! He expects - obviously that I won't mind because I'm the woman.

Sorry but it's not acceptable that you are paying 50% and having to live if your savings. The man child needs a wake up call. 'Hello, you're not single. You have a family!'

@LovinglyLiberal I assume your DH will be putting the kids to bed and doing the dinner tonight while you play on the xbox for a bit (or read a book or whatever)?

Fuck that,my dh works away sometimes but he told them firmly that he wouldn't be working away close to birth and newborn stage.He paid all the bills aswell and gave me his card if I wanted it when he was working.Dont put up with this op

That's an encouraging update op, fingers crossed he delivers as promised