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AIBU?

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Original poster

To resent my husband's life post children?

93 replies

Sandybval · 12/07/2019 19:55

I know I am very fortunate in many ways, but I really can't help feeling resentful to my DH since having a child. His job has never involved a lot of travel, so when we were discussing starting a family it never really came up as an issue- but since she has been born he has been away every weekday, and for 3 months at once (she is not even 1 yet!). As well as being lonely, when I go back to work I am going to have to work full time (which was the plan and I was excited for it as I love my job), and then look after her alone all week. I know plenty of people do this, and I have upmost respect for them, but it feels so unequal; we earn about the same each so it isn't like he is going away to earn money to solely keep a roof over our heads, we have always, and still do, pay equal amounts to bills (I am living on my savings now as mat leave draws to an end). I know I am fortunate and not sure what I am hoping for this to achieve, I guess it just helps to write it down on an anon forum. When he is here he is very involved (as he should be), so I feel a bit guilty talking about it in real life. I just feel exhausted, and resentful when this isn't what we planned (which I know is the case for many people, but I feel a bit decieved).

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 12/07/2019 20:40

I find that having a routine is paramount if this foes continue and mine are asleep for 6.30 each evening so i have some time to myself.

Jesus Christ.

FamilyOfAliens · 12/07/2019 20:42

Wow, what a catch he sounds Hmm

FattyPedalsFuriously0hPipNo · 12/07/2019 20:44

I can’t get over that you are living off your savings as you are still paying half of all bills while maternity leave.

^This Hmm

Lazydaisies · 12/07/2019 20:47

Gosh OP DH and are pretty equal in terms of financial input and family input and I would feel exactly the same as you if I was in your situation. Your DH sounds like he has not caught up to the realities of being a parent.

Personally if I were you I think I would go away for a week and make having a child his issue for a while until he gets to grips with it.

I will admit in our early days of having children DH seemed to think he could socialise like he always had and it took a while to knock that out of him but what you describe is a whole other level and to be fair to my DH he would have been happy for me to do my equal share of socialising except that I didn’t think the level he wanted was appropriate for being parents. You don’t seem to have an equality here at all.

DennisMailerWasHere · 12/07/2019 20:48

So his life, job, travelling, financial contribution continues like before kids... While you have the financial hit of mat leave, get to do all childcare during the week, and dwindling savings as a result?!

What on earth are you doing op?

You need to have a serious chat with your "d"h about what life as parents will look like starting tomorrow. It cannot, and normally does not, work this way.

He's literally arranged all the good bits of being a parent (a weekend dad) without any of the downsides.

It sounds cuntish. Who does this to their partner?

Would you be happy for your DD to have this setup?

You're bonkers to be living like this.

You'd get more support as a genuinely single parent, which is effectively what he's making you...and you're paying for it.

OkMaybeNot · 12/07/2019 20:49

Living off your savings in order to recover from the birth of, and look after, his child.

Fucking unbelievable. He's treating you like a mug.

Mary1935 · 12/07/2019 20:50

Hi it sounds odd that his job “ just changed” and did you discuss this at all. Also why are you using your money? I hope you have family who can support you Sandy.

pointythings · 12/07/2019 20:52

Sorry, but what now? On mat leave, you have a reduced income - so he needs to up his contribution to reflect that. You shouldn't have to dig into your savings, you are a unit - if something happens, you'll need those savings to keep the family afloat.

My late H and I had separate finances, but he absolutely did contribute more whilst I was on mat leave, and then we readjusted again when I went back to work.

AGirlHasNoCake · 12/07/2019 20:52

I lived this life.

Its crap.

DH worked 10 days on, 4 days off.

We have always shared all finances but the issue was broader than that - I had to take my leave to cover sickness, doctors appointments, dentists. AT the end of the year, I had christmas and new year, he had weeks, because he hadn't had to take time out.

He lived the single man life while away, drinking and clubbing and getting plenty of sleep. WHen he came home he wanted his pipe and slippers. I was desperate to get out. Little one was a dardardly sleeper and surprise surprise I still had to get up in the night because "she wont settle for me".

Fortunately the work was a fixed term, and we managed to stay together.

The emotional burden on the stay at home parent is immense. If he did not discuss with you first, then he is an arse. and as for you living of savings......that stops today. He needs to contribute more so that you can actually retain the same level of available disposable income as he has. ANd moving forward, that needs to take into account leave days and nursery fees.

MindfulBear · 12/07/2019 20:52

Errrrr. I don't mean to be funny but you are not lucky. He is supposed to pay for everything when you are on mat leave. Or st least you pay in proportion to your earnings.

He is being selfish. Or at least unthinking.

And why did he think he could start to work away and not be involved all week?

You need to have a chat.

Either you address the imbalance together or you go off and live without him. Doesn't sound like weekdays will be much different to now for you so it won't be that hard.

He is abusing your good nature.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 12/07/2019 20:53

So, you have lost most of your earnings, whilst being on Maternity Leave caring for your JOINT child. He has free childcare and all his wages as before.
How is that fair?

urbanlife · 12/07/2019 20:53

The financial inequality has been covered, and I second that.
I simply would not believe or accept that his job description had changed so much that it required so much time away. No way. He either changes it back or he gets a new job. He does not get to disappear for months at a time, and no it is absolutely not acceptable especially when you are back working full time!

Start dividing up both childcare and house work now. Time for some hard talk op.

spinderella78 · 12/07/2019 20:54

Why are you living off your savings???!!!!!

Do you not have 'joint' money?

timeisnotaline · 12/07/2019 20:56

Woah. So he doesn’t support his child and nor is he there for his child during the week at all? What is he? What’s fortunate about that?
How about, darling I’ve looked after her and paid my way with savings , so you are paying for childcare while I recover my savings, and so I have some funds for extra support juggling parenting solo and working. It would be different if we were a team but we’re not, as you demonstrate.

QueenOfThorns · 12/07/2019 20:57

YANBU, but you are bonkers living off your savings.

Zaeem5 · 12/07/2019 20:58

What on earth are you talking about OP - “living off my savings” indeed. Is this man your husband? Or is he just some kind of lodger or random? What the hell is going on? Why in God’s name wouid you accept this?

BanginChoons · 12/07/2019 21:01

Who is going to pay for childcare when you go back to work?

waterrat · 12/07/2019 21:01

Op the sad thing here is you are unsure if this is unfair .

How would it work if you just decided without consultation with him to be absent from parenting much of the time ???

How has he just started doing this and why does he not think he needs to consult with you? Why aren't you talking in depth about a work pattern that leaves you parenting alone?

When you go back to work and are leaving to do every pick up and doing every nursery drop - you will resent him to the point of insanity.

Original poster
Sandybval · 12/07/2019 21:04

I agree with you all, if it was happening to a friend I would be helping her pack her bags, but I guess I just needed to see it in black and white to know I wasn't being unreasonable. I've known it hasn't been fair for a while, but I guess been in denial, the fortunate comment in my OP was regarding the fact I have a roof over my head and food on the table- shameful really in this country that as that's not the case for everyone when it should be it feels like that. He has been a contractor for years but finally decided to take a permanent job, I thought it would be better as more stable but didn't know it would involve so much travelling, the savings are joint but mostly mine just due to circumstance and he doesn't want or have access to them.

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 12/07/2019 21:05

Why are you living on your savings? You being home to care for your child is an equal cost for both of you, not your sacrifice? You’re married, why aren’t you paying for things and sharing things equally?

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/07/2019 21:06

Living on saving?? That alone is financial abuse. Did he ask for a change at work so he was in control at home?

Chovihano · 12/07/2019 21:07

OMG, this isn't on, and money is family money, your savings are his and his money is yours. You shouldn't be worse off than him.

Why didn't you say something about the travel to begin with, he must have had notice or applied for a new role or something.
Put your foot down and tell him to come home and be a father to his child.

restingpigeon · 12/07/2019 21:08

so he didn't discuss that he'd to do a percentage travel beforehand? That's just utterly crap. If you take a job with worse terms and conditions, you expect a pay rise and that his financial contribution would be higher to offset the time he's not there. It shows a real lack of respect that he didn't discuss this and you should feel resentful if you have a full time job you're going back to.

billy1966 · 12/07/2019 21:12

Dear Lord OP, how in God's name can you think the scenario you are living is good luck....living on your savings?

He's certainly no prize.

It's another MN horror story to read of a new mother being financially abused by a selfish husband.

Please, please protect yourself.

AmeriAnn · 12/07/2019 21:15

When you are a stay at home mum your spouse pays you, by paying all the bills etc, for looking after his child. You shouldn't be paying half the bills!