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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent my husband's life post children?

93 replies

Sandybval · 12/07/2019 19:55

I know I am very fortunate in many ways, but I really can't help feeling resentful to my DH since having a child. His job has never involved a lot of travel, so when we were discussing starting a family it never really came up as an issue- but since she has been born he has been away every weekday, and for 3 months at once (she is not even 1 yet!). As well as being lonely, when I go back to work I am going to have to work full time (which was the plan and I was excited for it as I love my job), and then look after her alone all week. I know plenty of people do this, and I have upmost respect for them, but it feels so unequal; we earn about the same each so it isn't like he is going away to earn money to solely keep a roof over our heads, we have always, and still do, pay equal amounts to bills (I am living on my savings now as mat leave draws to an end). I know I am fortunate and not sure what I am hoping for this to achieve, I guess it just helps to write it down on an anon forum. When he is here he is very involved (as he should be), so I feel a bit guilty talking about it in real life. I just feel exhausted, and resentful when this isn't what we planned (which I know is the case for many people, but I feel a bit decieved).

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 12/07/2019 21:16

And is childcare all going to come out of your pay too?

You need to address these issues or you'll be trapped, broke and alone while he does what he likes.

pallisers · 12/07/2019 21:17

(I am living on my savings now as mat leave draws to an end)

why why why do women do this? It baffles me. Two of you have a baby and only one of you takes the physical and financial hit. Why does anyone think this is fair.

And how on earth did he blithely take a job involving so much travel when he has a small baby? If you were offered a new and better job OP that involved the same amount of travel would YOU take it? without even discussing the impact on your baby and dh? Would you fuck.

Sit him down and tell him this job isn't workable right now and will be marriage-ending (because it will) after you return to work. What is he proposing to do about it. And stop paying half the bills for gods sake - tell him you are on materinity leave and you need him to pay more. Explain to him what the cost would be for you to put an under 1 year old in childcare. what a freeloader he is.

Pinktinker · 12/07/2019 21:17

I wouldn’t sign up to marriage and children with someone who had to work away lots, I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t marry and procreate with my husband for him to take a backseat and me effectively live like a single parent. It’s just not fair.

YANBU at all to feel this way but it is kinda what you signed up for choosing him...

Original poster
Sandybval · 12/07/2019 21:20

He didn't work away when I met him, and we discussed before TTC what we would do, and it's nothing like how it is now.

Thank you all, I have a lot of thinking to do, I know what I need to do if we can't talk about it and sort it out, just how best to go about it.

OP posts:
anothernotherone · 12/07/2019 21:22

NannyRed what did MN email you about?

EtonM3ss · 12/07/2019 21:24

i paid for my mat leave out of savings for the last 3 months unpaid.

Crunchymum · 12/07/2019 21:26

What does "been away every weekday, and for 3 months at once" mean? I don't get it. Does he work away Mon-Fri?

PP seem amazed that people use savings whilst on ML? So everyone on MN has a partner who can afford to take on 100% of the outgoings do they?? Shock

That said OP, your partner doesn't sound great....

tomatostottie · 12/07/2019 21:32

Why are you living off your savings? He should be contributing way more while you are on maternity leave.
Who is paying for the things for your baby - such as clothes, food, toys, anything else your child needs? I hope you aren't paying for all of this out of savings while he swans about.

I don't like the way he just completely changed his job and moved the goalposts by suddenly not being around all the time. Being away for 3 months in one go before the baby is even one is well out of order. I know that some people do live like this but they knew before hand what they were getting into.
It sounds like it's been dumped on you a bit -you seem to have had little or no say.

He's behaving like a single man who doesn't have to consider anyone but himself. He has a partner and a baby now.
I think you need to have a long discussion with him. None of this is in any way fair on you. What's going to happen when you are back at work full time and he isn't around? You need to know whether you are a single Mum or not so you can plan.

KingMidasAteMidges · 12/07/2019 21:36

OP your situation looks unacceptable from any angle as PPs said. Your ‘D’H is using you in the worst possible way. It is domestic/financial abuse territory. Please seek help to build your self-worth and to see things for what they are. I can’t believe you consider yourself lucky and fortunate while to the outsiders it is clear you are anything but. I hope you escape this dreadful situation. This is no way to live.

anothernotherone · 12/07/2019 21:36

EtonM3ss wtf did you do that? Unless you had your baby by sperm donor? If it's your partner's child why is he absolved of all financial responsibility for that child's care?

missbattenburg · 12/07/2019 21:39

Sorry OP but this is another post that makes me realise how women get a raw deal and are somehow brainwashed into thinking they are lucky.

Two of you made a baby. Two of you are repsonsible for the baby. Equally. Only one of you is actually taking care of the baby. Only one of you is paying for the time you need to have off work to take care of that baby.

Living off savings indeed. If he wants to play that game, you should be charging him money for any childcare over your 50%. He's got himself a free pass here.

DaftHannah · 12/07/2019 22:01

OP, you need to find out what his long term plans are regarding helping more and being around more as your child grows older.

When ours were young (over 30 years ago) DH was in the armed forces. This meant being away a lot, but his view was I knew this before we had children.

In the end I decided that the best option was going to be for me and kids to move back home where I had family ties. Plenty of forces families make similar arrangements, yet DH was horrified because he had assumed I had no choice.

In the end DH made plans to move into a civilian job instead. Let your DH see that you too have choices and are prepared exercise these if things cannot change substantially in your favour.

SignedUpJust4This · 12/07/2019 22:08

He sees this baby as some sort of pet or hobby that's all for you therefore you should incur all costs financial/mental/emotional etc. What a selfish sexist cunt. This is no partner or parent. This is worse than a FWB. He has no respect for you. He's left you to raise his child and so everything and doesn't give a fuck.

I bet he's a Disney Dad in public

DennisMailerWasHere · 12/07/2019 22:18

Op, when do you get your equivalent to him? The ability to just opt out of parenting for most of the week, just abandoning your child for him to pick up the slack...?

Oh, that's right, it's not an option for parents unless it's a joint decision that benefits the family.

You also aren't thinking about the long term financial impact here. Sure, lost wages, spent savings and childcare in the short-term are one thing... Limited career options (due to being responsible for all sickness, appointments, within commute of childcare, etc).. fewer pension contributions... The impact here will last the rest of your life and your partner is a scumbag for letting you be penalised like this.

Teateaandmoretea · 12/07/2019 22:19

Yanbu at all to resent your 'd'h.

I am utterly baffled about why you consider yourself lucky and yabu to think you are.

For me lucky is a partner who treats me as an equal, is supportive of my job and parents his children.

IveNotSlept · 12/07/2019 22:21

Excuse me, you are living off your savings? Erm didn’t you just say you had a child together? What the hell, mumsnet is like another dimension, how does this “mine and yours” work exactly once a child comes along? Bizarre. Sounds like a shit situation though, maybe he needs to look for a new job and maybe you need to think about a joint account.

EtonM3ss · 12/07/2019 22:24

anothernotherone we didn't discuss it really. i highly doubt he would have increased his share of bills etc

areyoubeingserviced · 12/07/2019 22:31

I can understand why you resent your dh
It really annoys me how women are expected to juggle so many balls.
Op has given birth, used savings during her maternity leave and is now going back to work full time.
I bet your dh will expect you to sort out childcare, while he gets to live the single life.
I am annoyed on your behalf

anothernotherone · 12/07/2019 22:36

EtonM3ss why on earth? Doesn't he believe the child is his? If thats not the case why does he think he shouldn't have to support his child?

LannieDuck · 12/07/2019 22:40

Well, at least it should be easy for him to go back to contracting.

KingMidasAteMidges · 12/07/2019 22:41

EtonMess, why does your DH think it was up to you to shoulder all of the impact of having a JOINT child? And he would just carry on paying half the bills as he did before the pregnancy? So you take the hit on your body, your sleep, the effect of producing milk to feed said baby, looking after it in the daytime to make sure you both still have a live offspring at the end of the day? And he takes exactly what impact for having a child? A bit of inconvenience having to listen to the child crying in the evening and spoiling his restful me-time after work? God, I couldn’t do that. You must have the patience of Jobe.

EtonM3ss · 12/07/2019 22:43

i thought that was normal?

KatharinaRosalie · 12/07/2019 22:46

Not normal in my book. You didn't take time off for no reason, you were taking care of the joint child. He was benefitting.
Do you also pay all childcare so 'you' can work?

Prometheus · 12/07/2019 22:47

Why are you living in savings????? He should be paying all bills whilst you're not earning and doing 100% childcare!!!!

anothernotherone · 12/07/2019 22:49

EtonM3ss of course it's not normal unless there is only one parent (sperm donation, tragic death, deadbeat loser who does off into the ether... Why do you think your child is the financial responsibility of only one parent?