... about daughter’s holiday clothes

[Dippypippy1980]

We got back from holidays a few days ago and I took my daughter to see her dad - not one of his days but she was very excited to tell him about the trip and show him some pictures (I did ring first😊).

His mum and sister were there, which was nice for my daughter. I had carefully selected photos which didn’t show my boyfriend - the snaps were either just of her or her with her cousins or my parents (I feature in very few holiday snaps!!). All went well - until granny announced that my daughter had some lovely holiday clothes, and her cousin would be able to use them on her holiday. She even pointed to several outfits saying won’t ‘polly’ look lovely in that!! Ex has a niece about six months older than my daughter.

Daughter gave me that panicked look, and I commented that I was sure she could borrow some of the swimming stuff (I am very careful about the sun so we had loads of rash vests) but that we would need the summer clothes for the summer. Granny laughed and said she was sure we could spare them for a couple of weeks and ‘children have to share’.

I am going to put together a small bundle - nothing daughter really loves and only a couple of dresses that she’s probably won’t wear at home. But I know they will think I am being mean. But really, they are her clothes (t-shirts, shorts, dresses, swim suits) for this summer. She has grown out of most of last years stuff and she can’t wear heavy winter clothes for two weeks? I should just ignore granny shouldn’t I??????

If it helps, due to a complicated back story, ex doesn’t pay child support and I buy all the clothes.

You have to give them no clothes - or you’re just sending the message that they’re correct to expect them.
Outgrown only.
If they ever say “can Polly have...” you say “sure, when X has grown out of it, it will be lovely to pass it on” End of.

Lol, what a cheek, they'd be getting fuck all from me

Glad you’re not sending anything. Like fuck you should - and if they ask them just reply with astonishment that it was a serious idea and say no, DD is wearing her clothes.

My DC are really lucky to get lots of hand-me-downs from cousins etc and youngest also gets the eldest’s etc. But if DC1 is particularly attached to something and doesn’t want to pass it on we don’t make them- sometimes you need to be ruthlessly practical (e.g. yes, you will have the secondhand bike because it’s £000s for a new one) and sometimes you need to prioritise feelings (OK, you loved that top so much you don’t want to see your younger sibling wearing it, that’s OK not to pass it on).

Prioritising your DD’s feeling here in such a clear-cut case of CFery is absolutely the right thing to do.

Sad thing is, you were prepared to give the clothes she had outgrown to Polly- now if you do, they will just keep expecting you to fund Polly, especially if they think its DDs current stuff due to similarity.

Greed has actually spoilt it for them, but youve got to take a stand somewhere.

@Dippypippy1980 I think you’ve had plenty of advice on this situation, but I just wanted to add that you sound like you are being a great mum and when your daughter is older she’ll look back and really appreciate your efforts to keep thing amicable with your ex and his family. I am really grateful that my parents managed to give the appearance of remaining friendly, so that I could do things like show off holiday photos to the whole family at once, so please don’t judge yourself too harshly.

I don’t know why this has annoyed me so much, the cheek of it! I would absolutely not be lending out your daughters summer clothes, she needs to wear them!

Totally fine to pass on when your child has outgrown.
But def don't volunteer anything your daughter is likely to wear again.

I read your first post slightly agog. How cheeky to think they have any right to your daughters clothes! Whilst she’s still using them as well! Unbelievable.

I gather from updates you’re not giving them any. Good for you

If they try to follow up and nick your daughter's clothes again just laugh in their face and say "great joke, nearly had me there..."

You don’t give anything.

My mil tried the same trick, my sil really liked and outfit that my 9 month old ds was wearing and kept commenting on it, mil then pipes up perhaps dil will give it too you.

Once sil had left I pulled mil up on it that my ds clothes are for me to decide if I wish to give them away and its not her decision so don’t do it again.

Mil was a bit sheepish, my advice be clear and firm.

Tell granny she can have them when our DD has grown out of them. They are your DD's clothes and it's nothing to do with not wanting to share - it's not a packet of crisps or a least favourite doll. Big girl pants and say "no" - or just ignore the issue and it'll resolve itself. Of course granny could always pay you for the clothes (it's good to share, even money) and you could but some more. CFery at its finest.

Utterly weird. Yes pass on clothes that are too small to cousins but not existing summer clothes. Don’t you dare give them a single thing op I felt cross even reading your op!

If she mentions it again I'd look at her all innocent like and say that you're waiting for her (Granny) to provide a new summer wardrobe for your daughter first, else what is she going to wear?

Don't do it!

I have a cousin who is 10 years younger than me and everytime we went round their house i was always asked to take my jacket/jeans/shoes/top off for my 10yo cousin to try on and then would be continually asked that when i'm finished with it could i give it to my cousin... I wasn't asked by my cousin, it was my aunt that was pushing it. I hated it! I could guarantee every comment she posted on FB would be from my aunt to keep the dress/outfit i was wearing for my cousin...

It got to the point where regardless of how i pointed out that there would be no way a 7 yo should be seen in 17 yo clothing but my aunt would always keep going on that it's nice to share!

Due to the fact your DD's dad doesn't pay child support i would keep those clothes for a friends DD or give them to charity shop or even sell on eBay! that is one CF, i suppose every family has them

that it's nice to share

It may be nice to share, it's bloody rude to ask, nag and demand!

Of course you should ignore her. She’s the dictionary definition of a cheeky fucker. Don’t give them a stitch.

Grabby granny just talked herself out of getting anything. Do not give an6 of the clothes you paid for to this nasty, grabby family. Give them to a charity shop, face book, the dustbins.

'Children can share' - wtf?

My neighbour has a Ferrari. I'm going to ask for the keys cos, you know, it's nice to share

OP don't worry that you have handled the situation badly. Ex MIL handled the situation badly.

I would do nothing for the time being. Don't take the old clothes and hope they don't notice because then they will think they can keep doing things like this. If they raise it I would just respond 'Like I said, DD still needs her clothes. If Polly really needs some then I can look through the stuff DD has outgrown and send any I think might fit her." Making it absolutely clear that if you pass Polly any of DDs clothes it is only because they are no longer any good for DD.

It's a odd request. Surely Polly needed summer clothes for May half term, will need them for the six week summer holiday, and for weekends from April to September. Unless they are activity specific clothing that Polly can borrow when your DD isn't using them, then she needs her own clothes!

OP - you're not a bad mum at all.

Upshot is you were put in an unexpected position - who could possibly have anticipated such a request!!!

You were just caught off guard that's all.

It's what happens next that's important, which is to tell your DD no-one is getting her stuff, now or ever.

Then simply ignore Granny and if it's brought up again simply say no. You don't have to justify it.

I understand sharing clothes between siblings who live together and wear a similar size, so that they have more choice of clothes, or borrowing a specific item like a party outfit, but not packing up a bundle of clothes a child would otherwise be wearing .

If my son had a child he didn't pay for, I would be giving to the child's mother, not asking for things from her!

Definitely do nothing and hopefully they’ll chase it up so you can reply with a big fat “lol”.

Hi his has annoyed me more than it should’ve. Must be PMT!

Text Granny and say “Polly is very welcome to borrow the clothes that DD’s dad has paid for. Which is the sum total of FUCK ALL”

And then tell her to fuck off again just for good measure.