... about daughter’s holiday clothes

[Dippypippy1980]

We got back from holidays a few days ago and I took my daughter to see her dad - not one of his days but she was very excited to tell him about the trip and show him some pictures (I did ring first😊).

His mum and sister were there, which was nice for my daughter. I had carefully selected photos which didn’t show my boyfriend - the snaps were either just of her or her with her cousins or my parents (I feature in very few holiday snaps!!). All went well - until granny announced that my daughter had some lovely holiday clothes, and her cousin would be able to use them on her holiday. She even pointed to several outfits saying won’t ‘polly’ look lovely in that!! Ex has a niece about six months older than my daughter.

Daughter gave me that panicked look, and I commented that I was sure she could borrow some of the swimming stuff (I am very careful about the sun so we had loads of rash vests) but that we would need the summer clothes for the summer. Granny laughed and said she was sure we could spare them for a couple of weeks and ‘children have to share’.

I am going to put together a small bundle - nothing daughter really loves and only a couple of dresses that she’s probably won’t wear at home. But I know they will think I am being mean. But really, they are her clothes (t-shirts, shorts, dresses, swim suits) for this summer. She has grown out of most of last years stuff and she can’t wear heavy winter clothes for two weeks? I should just ignore granny shouldn’t I??????

If it helps, due to a complicated back story, ex doesn’t pay child support and I buy all the clothes.

I bet granny thinks dad has paid for those clothes so they should stay in the family...incidentally why doesn’t he pay anything for your daughter?

I agree with most in here. This is highly rude. But more importantly these are your daughters. Once she grows out of them, or if there is something she finds uncomfortable, then give it away. But not while she still needs them. It doesn’t send the message ‘sharing’ To her, it sends the message that you can just give away her wonderful things any time you like. We always buy holiday clothes, and always give away after the end of the summer as she’s never going to wear again, but not during summer!

We had a ‘give to the poor kids’ attitude when mine were growing up.
Every 6 months or so anything that was not stained and still in decent condition got donated.
Granny can go to the op shop for DN outfits.
Why does ex not pay for his child?

I don’t think it’s about the clothes at all. I think it is about “Winning”. I think it is about bullying the OP and putting her firmly “back into her place” and attempting to show her who’s the real boss of “Th Family.” THE MATRIARCH!!! Granny has probably always been a domineering old bag who has run the entire show, and now OP has left the fold and she longer plays this game. (She would have while in a relationship with ex, as that would have kept HIM happy.) OP is the boss of her own life, and her daughter’s. She is not remotely inclined to dance to these people’s discordant tunes anymore. I bet the reason she was questioning whether she was being unreasonable (even though she knew that she really wasn’t) is that she had been conditioned from early on in the relationship to acquiesce to the demands of this harridan - no matter how irrational or intrusive.

I think it's time his mum found out he doesn't fund daughters living expenses and clothes. Maybe she asks as she feels he gives too much and wants to claw some back for the family. Or at least that's how he seems to me, by asking to borrow the clothes.

Get onto the CSA - it’s about principle. And please drop it into convo with ex’s family that he hasn’t paid thus far. You don’t know if he’s been misleading them. You can always do it in a jokey way of it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Go LC.
Don’t make your daughter uncomfortable. If she ever doesn’t want to go don’t force her.
Keep a record of him flouncing off today. Keep text messages etc and try and communicate that way more often so you have a record.
If he can turn nasty over something so ludicrous you need to be careful and protect you and your daughter.

Send him a text or email so you have proof. ‘Hello twatface, because you and your family don’t realise how much it costs including clothing a child I will now be chasing you for CM payments. You haven’t paid since March 2017 (or what ever). I won’t be giving the clothes to your family, I hope that Polly has a good holiday, from Dippy’

Why doesn’t he pay?

No. They can fuck off. I’d tell her the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree when it comes to providing what a kid needs, and look pointedly at her son. Fuck that shit.

So he chose not to see his own daughter because you wouldn't give her summer clothes to his niece? And you are the materialistic one?! Stick to your guns op. No way is it acceptable for them to demand her dinner clothes for three weeks while they still fit!

So he stomped off because he wasn't getting his child's clothes for his niece. Charming father of the year.

Think you are right to stand your ground.

Op, you really should be asking for some maintenance. Perhaps you think you may not need it, but I think even a token of £100 a month or something would be better than nothing. Believe me, this will eat away at you and the older your daughter gets, the fact that he gives nothing, will become a huge issue. It sounds like he has been getting his own way for far too long and needs a wake up call.

Dippypippy1980 you wantyour daughter tk see you get on in harmony with her dad or that her dad and his family are seeing you as a pushover and that it's ok to forsake your own feelings for the sake of peace?
Although saying that I am very good at preaching but end up being walked all over myself and currently have a dilemma with a piss taking friend....
I would not even bother with sending last year's tbh i agree wirh everyone on here that she is a CF and woyld just say if asked again, "Oh I thought you were joking? I am sure her parents have budgeted for her clothes, if you want a similar look, we got ours at xyz shop....."

Ps Pls excuse the spelling mistakes,my phone has it's own dictionary and I posted without checking first

I’d love to text him to say “If you feel strongly that Polly should have DDs clothes, please feel free to give her the clothes you’ve bought for DD yourself...... Alternatively, you could pay for them using the money you’ve saved by not paying any CM for the past X years”

I obviously wouldn’t send that but I’d stick firm in the stance you’ve taken already.

tell them that youve had more time to think and you feel that you were a bit put on the spot before, but this years summer clothes are very much still in use, but theyre welcome to have a look through the grown out of clothes and see if theres any they can make use of

OP, granny is a cheeky fuck of the highest order. Tell her to get to fuck. They are your DDs clothes and no one will be wearing them except your DD until she’s finished with them.

Give granny some second-hand clothes from a jumble sale. You might also find a stall selling lavender plants before she nicks yours.

I really don't like the 'take back what you paid for yourself' line. The whole point is that, once given to her, these clothes belong to OP's dd, not to the buyer, or to anyone who thinks the buyer 'owes them'.

Also, the moment the ex does pay any maintenance, he will immediately attribute it to the most luxurious, special item the dd owns, 'forgetting' that children need school shoes, electricity and toilet paper too.

I’ve never heard anything so weird!!

@Dippypippy1980 my best advice would be just say no. Are you in the UK op? Because I've looked all over for rashie type swimmers and can't find them!!!

I'd be telling him that he could pass on any clothes that he had paid for- only when his own DD had finished with them, anything else would be the height of rudeness and downright cruel! Your DD loves her outfits, why should she have to give them up just because another childs parents couldn't be bothered with buying outfits for their own child??? He is an arse!

Granny is being weird. I wouldn’t lend anything. If you’ve got some old stuff to give then do that but don’t lend.

Wow, it’s unbelievable! If they weren’t such CFs I’d have lent rash vest / sun suits that you only really need abroad, but now they can bog off completely!

If you really want to wind your ex up, tell him you can’t lend any of the other clothes as they were presents from your boyfriend and he’d be pissed off.....

Norfolk yes I am in the uk. I got lots of pretty rash vests from next and gap.

www.next.co.uk/style/st354520#605771

This was a particular favourite😊

Ex rang this morning - his best friend’s bt6+wife suggested he might be in the wrong and he offered a sort of apology. He won’t be seeing daughter now before Polly goes on holiday so it won’t come up. I have pointed out this isn’t the first time he hasn’t stood up for his child and we exchanged some frank views - he reluctantly agreed to do better.