Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

... about daughter’s holiday clothes

396 replies

Dippypippy1980 · 12/07/2019 14:08

We got back from holidays a few days ago and I took my daughter to see her dad - not one of his days but she was very excited to tell him about the trip and show him some pictures (I did ring first😊).

His mum and sister were there, which was nice for my daughter. I had carefully selected photos which didn’t show my boyfriend - the snaps were either just of her or her with her cousins or my parents (I feature in very few holiday snaps!!). All went well - until granny announced that my daughter had some lovely holiday clothes, and her cousin would be able to use them on her holiday. She even pointed to several outfits saying won’t ‘polly’ look lovely in that!! Ex has a niece about six months older than my daughter.

Daughter gave me that panicked look, and I commented that I was sure she could borrow some of the swimming stuff (I am very careful about the sun so we had loads of rash vests) but that we would need the summer clothes for the summer. Granny laughed and said she was sure we could spare them for a couple of weeks and ‘children have to share’.

I am going to put together a small bundle - nothing daughter really loves and only a couple of dresses that she’s probably won’t wear at home. But I know they will think I am being mean. But really, they are her clothes (t-shirts, shorts, dresses, swim suits) for this summer. She has grown out of most of last years stuff and she can’t wear heavy winter clothes for two weeks? I should just ignore granny shouldn’t I??????

If it helps, due to a complicated back story, ex doesn’t pay child support and I buy all the clothes.

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/07/2019 15:41

@Dippypippy1980 - Well done you! If he comes back again, keep with the broken record "No, I'm not supplying your niece with my daughter's clothes" message. Or you could turn it around and say to him "Sure, I'll gladly share with DNiece the clothes that you've bought for DD...oh, you haven't bought any for her so that would be a no then".

Just wanted to say well done!

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/07/2019 16:01

Totally ignore. If Granny asks again tell her where you went shopping so she can get the same. This is very different from passing on clothes that don't fit.

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/07/2019 16:04

Sorry, missed some updates.

I don't think you should focus so much on letting your daughter see harmony, it might be that she is seeing you being walked all over. His whole family at cheeky.

SheStoodInTheStorm · 13/07/2019 16:09

Well done OP!

slithytove · 13/07/2019 16:23

So it’s not her holiday clothes, it’s her current wardrobe? Which she can wear until she grows out of it, perhaps layering in inclement weather, or who knows, maybe you will go somewhere warm last minute during October half term?

Because no way would the full lot come back after a holiday ‘loan’. Borrowing one coveted item, cousin asking cousin and the lender agreeing - yes I get that eyeballs friends new kimono enviously but not to take the entire lot!

DuMondeB · 13/07/2019 16:25

Yay! Well done!

Tinkerbell89 · 13/07/2019 16:39

I wouldn't give her anything especially as ex isn't paying child support so isn't paying for the clothes. Once you start giving them items they'll keep expecting them and asking. You probs won't get them back plus they want the outfits in the pics not other clothes. Just provide them with where you purchased them but offer nothing. It's someone else's kid that that parent should be providing for. I wouldn't hand anything over unless you always plan on doing this ongoing. Very rude of them to expect this

Pumpkintopf · 13/07/2019 16:59

They’re holiday snaps not a bloody catalogue!

Love this!

WellThisIsShit · 13/07/2019 17:00

Well done for putting down that firm line in the sand.

What a petty little man so obsessed with tearing down his ex who’s oh so better than him, that he’d actually take the clothes of his own child’s back.

I suspect the whole lot of them see every tiny penny of yours as really their rightful due. How dare you manage to carry on life after splitting up? How dare you have the money to pay for your child’s clothes?!

Hummm, I’d say you are well out of the whole lot of them.

LadyBrienneofTarth · 13/07/2019 17:11

Would make sure he doesn't go straight to your daughter and try to guilt her into it

And make sure daughter knows that any request to "borrow" her clothes is not appropriate

The whole request is bizzare

csigeek · 13/07/2019 17:53

Absolutely no way!
My step daughter has clothes at home and clothes here, both go between the two but never in a million years would we or her mum expect her clothes to be borrowed by a family member on either side!! My DH pays maintenance (fwiw more than he has to) and he wouldn't expect to dictate what happens with clothes from her mums house.
Even worse on their part is that they should know he doesn't pay for the care of his child and that demanding the things you have provided for her are lent to some one you're not even related to is bullish*t!
Ignore her!

thetimekeeper · 13/07/2019 17:57

So, is his manipulative and controlling behaviour the reason he's an ex?

This might help you with working on how you handle them all in future:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

"Assertiveness means expressing your point of view in a way that is clear and direct, while still respecting others. Communicating in an assertive manner can help you to minimise conflict, to control anger, to have your needs better met, and to have more positive relationships with friends, family and others."

Which might get you closer to actual harmony, rather than the exploitation badged as "harmony" you've got now. They must have done a number on you for it not to have occurred to you to say no until you saw the replies on here. Which reflects badly on them not you, but does indicate some action is required.

Also, this might help with aiming for modelling healthy relationships and boundaries for your daughter rather than quietly complying with people: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

He's calling you names and manufacturing anger to try to get you to go back to complying with him and doing what he wants.

You'll help your daughter more if you're honest with her when people around her behave in ways that aren't unacceptable, and are explicitly clear with her that him buggering off or getting in a strop because you've stood up for her/yourself is not her fault. I mean, how would you hope she behaved in such a situation if she didn't get what she wanted or asked somebody to give her their clothes?!

It's confusing and worrying for her otherwise. She'll be more aware than you perhaps realise, even if you whispered and then lied for him.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 13/07/2019 17:59

Wow. Just rtft and I'm so glad you stuck up for your DD and yourself. He can call you whatever he likes, it doesn't mean he's right OP. Your DD is entitled to keep her own belongings for as long as she's using them. She's even entitled to keep them when she's not, it's up to you and her what you do with stuff you bought. Fuck off CF granny. On principle, please don't ever give Polly the clothes, even when DD is done with them.

As for your ex floucing off instead of taking DD with him, he's obviously got his priorities straight, hasn't he? What an arse.

Jellybeansincognito · 13/07/2019 17:59

Wow op this is awful. I hope you and your daughter are ok?

Am I correct in saying your daughter spends a night a week with this grandparent? Could this be stopped? I’d be concerned about other behaviours with her after this.

NoSquirrels · 13/07/2019 18:00

What a wanker - he left without DD? And you’re the selfish one, eh?

Outrageous behaviour from him and his family.

MrMakersFartyParty · 13/07/2019 18:03

Dont even bundle up a couple of your daughters things! They're hers!

greenwaterbottle · 13/07/2019 18:16

I'll share the clothes I buy when they're outgrown and you can share the clothes you buy...

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 13/07/2019 18:17

No way!! I pass on grown out of clothes but not clothes ds still wears. I could not trust many people to launder clothes to my standard. What if she washes whites with the wrong things. I once leant my friend an outfit including white popper vest to go home in after a bath (babies at time). Outfit came home with white vest looking very un-white. Thought I imagined it but it really haunted me. I would see it amongst my glowing window-test passing whites. Could spit it across the room. In the end I binned it. It was too upsetting.

itsallgoingsouth · 13/07/2019 18:17

Granny is a conniving madam, isn't she? Is Polly impoverished? No. Granny & ex SIL (?) just want to prove a point i.e. get you to do their bidding, share out your enormous wealth via a clothes lending service. Doubt you'd get the items back or in the same state. They're jealous or weird or both.

No, don't lend or give unless it's outgrown or unwanted.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 13/07/2019 18:18

#spot 😆

poppy54321 · 13/07/2019 18:20

No, also if I lent out my daughters swimwear she wouldn't wear it again. Seriously, she just wouldn't go swimming.

FelicisNox · 13/07/2019 18:20

I agree with everyone else... absolutely not. CF, the lot of them.

They are your daughters clothes and granny needs to butt out.

As for them making comments about you "living the high life"...... that is guilt alleviation.

I'm sure they all know full well your ex doesn't pay a bean and this is their way of feeling better about it by telling themselves you don't need the money.

Clearly principles have no place in their world.

If they are cheeky enough to contact you just laugh it off and say you thought it was a joke and that you won't be parting with the clothes as you are on a tight budget due to financially supporting yourself and DD single handedly but are happy to give them a list of shops. Grin

Tistheseason17 · 13/07/2019 18:21

Well done, you - they seriously wanted her current clothes - how bloody ridiculous.

Grand job for standing your ground!!

Jokie · 13/07/2019 18:24

@Dippypippy1980; well done for standing your ground. How did the day pan out? Did he come back? Or did he flounce further?

LillithsFamiliar · 13/07/2019 18:46

He shouldn't have stormed off and you shouldn't lend them if you don't want to . . .

But, and I realise I'm in the minority here, borrowing holiday clothes was, and still is, really common in our family I have lots of sisters, nieces and cousins who are close in age and I don't think we're the only ones who do this. DSIS3 is currently away on holiday with DSIS1's holiday clothes.

I can see if you're not accustomed to it that it can seem cheeky but I can also see if you've grown up in a family where this happens then it won't seem odd at all.