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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

... about daughter’s holiday clothes

396 replies

Dippypippy1980 · 12/07/2019 14:08

We got back from holidays a few days ago and I took my daughter to see her dad - not one of his days but she was very excited to tell him about the trip and show him some pictures (I did ring first😊).

His mum and sister were there, which was nice for my daughter. I had carefully selected photos which didn’t show my boyfriend - the snaps were either just of her or her with her cousins or my parents (I feature in very few holiday snaps!!). All went well - until granny announced that my daughter had some lovely holiday clothes, and her cousin would be able to use them on her holiday. She even pointed to several outfits saying won’t ‘polly’ look lovely in that!! Ex has a niece about six months older than my daughter.

Daughter gave me that panicked look, and I commented that I was sure she could borrow some of the swimming stuff (I am very careful about the sun so we had loads of rash vests) but that we would need the summer clothes for the summer. Granny laughed and said she was sure we could spare them for a couple of weeks and ‘children have to share’.

I am going to put together a small bundle - nothing daughter really loves and only a couple of dresses that she’s probably won’t wear at home. But I know they will think I am being mean. But really, they are her clothes (t-shirts, shorts, dresses, swim suits) for this summer. She has grown out of most of last years stuff and she can’t wear heavy winter clothes for two weeks? I should just ignore granny shouldn’t I??????

If it helps, due to a complicated back story, ex doesn’t pay child support and I buy all the clothes.

OP posts:
sandyfoot · 13/07/2019 18:51

See post above... they're not in the same family anymore. The cousin's family can share if they like.

OP. you sound like you are doing a fantastic job. Don't beat yourself up about not saying no initially or saying no now. It's a total bloody nonsense.

Chovihano · 13/07/2019 18:54

You need to put in a claim for maintenance, and shame him on social media, tell everyone what the loser suggested, considering he has never paid a penny.

The more women let men get away with this the more they will do it. I include women who get involved with divorced men with children, make sure he's paying his way before you get involved, you owe it to his first wife and dc.

Mummadeeze · 13/07/2019 18:56

Just say, "no, we need them". Such a weird request from the Granny. She sounds a bit doolally!

DartmoorDoughnut · 13/07/2019 18:59

How selfish is your ex and his family Shock

Dillydallyingthrough · 13/07/2019 19:01

Oh God this has made me so angry! OP do not give them anything now, give old clothes to a charity shop instead. It's just so fucking cheeky. I understand trying to show an amicable relationship to your DD but you also need to teach her boundaries (I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but I think this particularly important for girls). The fact that your DD looked at you in panic means she clearly thought it could happen. My DD would have carried on with whatever she was doing, as she knows I wouldn't have stood for it (I know because something similar happened when she was around 5/6 over a Nintendo). I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, your not a bad mom, your intentions were for the best for your DD, but have gone too much the other way.

If anything like this comes up again, say something subtle (I'm guessing you want DD to know) maybe along the lines of 'as I'm the only one supporting DD, I might sell them' - it should make granny contradict or question you more so you can be a bit more blatant away from DD.

sandyfoot · 13/07/2019 19:03

You need to put in a claim for maintenance, and shame him on social media, tell everyone what the loser suggested, considering he has never paid a penny.

Please don't do that. I get it's a shit situation but your daughter shouldn't be in the middle of a war zone if possible

Smelborp · 13/07/2019 19:15

He accuses you of being materialistic for not wanting your child to lose all her summer clothes that she chose, when he’s had no part in buying them? 🤔

HollowTalk · 13/07/2019 19:16

I think you really need to look at why it's important to you that these people like you. It really isn't. It's your niece's parents' job to clothe her. Your daughter's dad doesn't even pay maintenance, ffs. Avoid them and ignore any hints or requests for clothes.

bringbacksideburns · 13/07/2019 19:18

Why is he not paying any maintenance?

Bet his family think he is. Maybe you should sort this out because regardless of your income that is money your child should be getting and if nothing else, saved for her.

billybagpuss · 13/07/2019 19:19

Absolutely Gobsmacked. He blew off his contact time, because you wouldn't lend clothes you bought to his sister!!!!

What a Cockwomble.

HerkyBaby · 13/07/2019 19:24

Just don’t . You are being manipulated here and your daughter is being made to feel bad that she has nice clothes and her cousin doesn’t. A two week loan is two weeks when your daughter can’t get use / enjoyment from wearing her OWN clothes .

Redwinestillfine · 13/07/2019 19:26

Ignore. If you really have to send some of last years. 'Oh that's a shame, they're clearly not the same size....nevermind'.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/07/2019 19:28

LilithsFamiliar OP has been clear upthread that her dd doesn't have 'holiday clothes'. She takes her summer clothes - which have to last her half the year - on holiday.

The very concept of 'holiday clothes' may be a part of the problem here (though I must admit the idea of a separate 'holiday wardrobe' sounds very decadent, very 'cruisewear' to me).

The other issue of course her ex-ILs' grabby chippiness. They're clearly the type to think that anyone who has anything that they don't, owes them.

HollowTalk · 13/07/2019 19:28

I'm really gobsmacked at these cheeky fuckers.

Honeyroar · 13/07/2019 19:29

Well done. You don't need to interact with granny or anyone. Just drop daughter off when you need to and live your life. If he mentions you being materialistic again tell him you've worked really hard to clothe your daughter and provide her toys. When he has made a decent contribution to her upkeep he can comment and lend things that he has bought. Until then he can keep his mouth shut!

manicmij · 13/07/2019 19:29

No way. If Granny likes the clothes so much she should buy them herself. Ignore the request.

Jaxhog · 13/07/2019 19:40

LENDING holiday clothes may be commonplace in some families. But I bet that demanding the clothes from your GG's back, especially when your DS doesn't pay maintenance isn't.

seven201 · 13/07/2019 19:41

Well done for standing up for yourself and dd!

HollowTalk · 13/07/2019 19:41

Demanding to borrow summer clothes in the summer isn't normal.

Not paying maintenance is a disgrace.

Anyone who does both should be shot at dawn.

eddielizzard · 13/07/2019 19:42

Wow what entitled behaviour! And I'd definitely drop into conversation about how her son doesn't pay maintenance. Who lets their kid down because her actual day to day wardrobe is needed?

His 'lack of materialism' extends to not feeding or clothing his kid. What an absolute arse.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/07/2019 19:49

borrowing holiday clothes was, and still is, really common in our family
Do people really buy clothes specifically for holiday that they don't then expect the kids to wear for the rest of the holiday?

I can't understand buying a laod of cozzies, dresses and shorts specially to wear for two weeks but not again so thry can be passed on

Pinkpeanut27 · 13/07/2019 19:51

If you have any specific holiday clothes that you dd won’t wear again by all means pass those on but otherwise why would you . I’d seriously simply ignore it .

quizqueen · 13/07/2019 19:54

Whenever your daughter goes to visit her father, I would send her in really tatty older stuff with minimum changes otherwise they may keep them 'to wash' and you'll never see them again. If Polly's parents can afford to take her on holiday then they can afford to buy her clothes and, if they can't, it's not your problem anyway.

coco123456789 · 13/07/2019 20:03

I don’t understand ‘holiday clothes’ either. Perhaps kaftans / sarongs only get worn on holiday so you may lend those. Or ski wear as that often something you would only wear when skiing. But the clothes I the kids and I take on holiday are our normal summer clothes!

KatharinaRosalie · 13/07/2019 20:08

DSIS3 is currently away on holiday with DSIS1's holiday clothes

What are those 'holiday clothes' people keep talking about? Do you buy special clothes that can be worn during holidays only and for some reason can't be worn during summer at home? Like what? Ok I get beach sarong but shorts and tops and dresses are surely just clothes?