... about daughter’s holiday clothes

[Dippypippy1980]

We got back from holidays a few days ago and I took my daughter to see her dad - not one of his days but she was very excited to tell him about the trip and show him some pictures (I did ring first😊).

His mum and sister were there, which was nice for my daughter. I had carefully selected photos which didn’t show my boyfriend - the snaps were either just of her or her with her cousins or my parents (I feature in very few holiday snaps!!). All went well - until granny announced that my daughter had some lovely holiday clothes, and her cousin would be able to use them on her holiday. She even pointed to several outfits saying won’t ‘polly’ look lovely in that!! Ex has a niece about six months older than my daughter.

Daughter gave me that panicked look, and I commented that I was sure she could borrow some of the swimming stuff (I am very careful about the sun so we had loads of rash vests) but that we would need the summer clothes for the summer. Granny laughed and said she was sure we could spare them for a couple of weeks and ‘children have to share’.

I am going to put together a small bundle - nothing daughter really loves and only a couple of dresses that she’s probably won’t wear at home. But I know they will think I am being mean. But really, they are her clothes (t-shirts, shorts, dresses, swim suits) for this summer. She has grown out of most of last years stuff and she can’t wear heavy winter clothes for two weeks? I should just ignore granny shouldn’t I??????

If it helps, due to a complicated back story, ex doesn’t pay child support and I buy all the clothes.

Fucking ridiculous.
I really really REALLY disagree with children being forced to share. Adults aren't expected to share their own belongings.

I would have said ''Oh, they are welcome to everything her father has paid for... ooop, that would be nothing''.

How do you spend time with them and she doesn't know her DS does not contribute to his DD?

I would make sure she knows! How has this come about?

👏👏👏 well done op for standing your ground!!!

Very odd in the circumstances, just say no

'Children have to share' , but fathers need to pay maintenance, and until your daughters does, I'd not share a single item. And I'd be quite happy to tell granny that.
BTW we have holiday clothes! We live up north where its rarely warm enough to wear anything remotely summery unless we're abroad.

He’s just horridv

"Yes of course polly can borrow DD's clothes. Tell Polly's mum we'll be round later to what clothes of Polly's DD wants to borrow!!!"
What planet are these people on? I share clothes with my Dsis for special occasions. Not every day/holiday clothes!

You did the right thing OP. What they were requesting was bonkers.

I’ve come across some people who buy specific clothes for holiday. It’s a thing. So I suppose that might be part of the problem. The concept of holiday clothes baffles me, however.

I wouldn’t ‘share’ either, btw.

I don’t share after some of my stuff has ended up trashed. A pair of my best shoes came back, the heals were all ‘dented’ they had blue nail polish on them (that wouldn’t come off) I was gutted as I had been guilted into lending them. Say no, the girls parents can clothe her!

*heels

Give the small bundle of clothes and change the subject if mentionned again. Or go in a charity shop and buy a couple of things for a quid , in her size wash them and pretend they were hers. Or just give her the small bundle that she can afford to lose. That's more than enough. You don't need to give them anything. He doesn't. End of. Be polite but v firm and repeat to infinity. And hope they forget!

Ps i remember someone on here also saying "No is a complete sentence";)

Just ignore entirely

Stay strong! I would tell dad that of course he is welcome to lend Polly the clothes he has bought for DD ... Sounds fair I think 😉

Don’t feel pressured. That’s so weird. Stand your ground.

Did you go see Toy Story?

Good Luck OP

YANBU. I really dislike it when adults try to force to children give away their things. Would the adults be happy to give away their own things in similar circumstances? Probably not.

Totally agree with @Dillydallyingthrough - Boundaries. Her clothes are hers. Her grandmother has no right to breezily attempt to give her possessions away. Cheeky mare. I still remember the feelings of helpless fury I used to have when my mother gave away things that belonged to me without even thinking to ask me - things I wanted to keep.

I’ve lost my stuff at least 3 times in my childhood
Once my mother set alight to all my clothes knowing I had to work two jobs to replace them (aged 16)
My aunt binned everything I owned bar some books and my school uniform (aged 14)
My mother took all my toys to open her playgroup-I was still at primary school-but too old for them if you listened to her (aged 9)
Please don’t give any of her stuff away-it’s hers and nobody has any right to even touch it let alone give it away-I remember the gut dropping feeling of losing my stuff
And I’ve never forgiven either of em

You did the right thing by not handing anything over. If you'd given some clothes, this would end up happening every year with Polly joining in the pressure in future.

Your ex is an unbelievable cf calling you materialistic. Rich coming from a man who doesn't pay maintenance.

I agree with the pp said it is not so important that your dd sees only harmony, it is more important that she doesn’t see you walked over.

I buy nice clothes for my dds, and i pass on outgrown things to friends dds fairly often, I think hand me downs are great, and I love it when my dds get given a hand me down.

This is totally different though, this family have no respect for you, and are taking advantage. It is incredibly rude and also really very strange, somehow both grabby and resentful. I have of course lent the something to a friend for a party or whatever, but for someone to want to borrow your child’s Summer wardrobe, THAT SHE IS STILL WEARING , is such a peculiar thing to do, that I can only surmise that it is specifically to have one over on you.
It seems to be more because they don’t like you, are jealous of you, than because they want the clothes.

Don’t bend over backwards to keep things lovely for your dd, with a feckless Dad who acts like a teenager. Better for your dd to understand that you are strong. It is good that you said no to this ridiculous suggestion, but it worries me that you are supporting her relationship with a man who won’t pay child support.

I do wonder if this isn't standard CFism but that it's more to do with a certain and very old-fashioned mindset? A few generations ago, people (particularly if they didn't have that much money to spare) would indeed buy special clothing for special events like a holiday and might well pass them on or lend to another branch of the family to use when their special event came round. Similarly, maternity clothes might get passed around an extended family or neighbourhood. 'Holiday clothes' might well just be intended for holidays, especially in an era when everyday clothing was a bit more formal.

I'm guessing 'granny' isn't that old but I wonder if she's thinking back to how things might have been in her own childhood or her mother's? (My own MIL seems to be permanently stuck in the expectations of how things were done in her mother's day...)

Not that it isn't still unacceptable, particularly in this age of very cheap (this is a whole other discussion) clothing for children. But perhaps her sense of entitlement stems from an older experience of how things were once done.

Did Granny grow up in poverty when clothes were often 'shared'? Is the nieces family hard up? How odd. Ignore. If anyone asks change the subject or say you only pass on outgrown clothes not ones being there orn.