AIBU?? Friends wedding invites issues

[Mama2harris]

Hello all,

Sorry for the first post of mine to be a very long one but I wanted to get all the facts in, but I need to know if I’m being the bad friend here....

So I’ve known my best friend for a few years, we met at a mum group both expecting our first child and have become very close over the years.

She lives almost 50 miles away so for me to visit her it’s near on a 100mile round trip and she doesn’t drive so i always have to do the driving to see her which I didn’t mind up until now....

Last year on a number of occasions when I went to see her on our arranged play dates for the little ones she asked if we could do a 70 mile round trip from hers to take our little ones to see one of her other friends with a child the same age as ours, at the time I thought nothing of it as she’s my best friend and I’d do anything for her, she made a point of saying On each occasion that I needed to get to know this other friend because we were going to be bridesmaids together, I made the 170 mile journeys each time because it’s what she wanted and yes if we were going to be in her wedding party we needed to get along which we do,

The end of last year they finally set a date for the wedding, I was super excited for her and helped out with all the things she asked me to do, from helping find cake designs for her to match the colour scheme to sending her a list of everything she needed to plan, then she throws the bombshell at me that only myself and my son are invited to the day and my partner can only come to the evening, not ideal when it’s an hour and a half journey each way to somewhere in the middle of nowhere with nowhere for him to go and wait while me and my son attend the ceremony and meal! And to top it off, no bridesmaid status, she didn’t ask me.

I talked to my partner and he agreed as she’s my best friend and she’s probably just not gotten round to asking me officially to be a bridesmaid he’d just go for a drive on the day somewhere and sit in a coffee shop cos there’s certainly no way we’re taking two cars.

I didn’t mention anything to her as it’s her day, her decision etc but then The invitation came, it’s only for the evening for all of us, this really upset me and I asked her, she told me she hadn’t gotten around to doing the day invites yet and she’ll post it out when it’s done, a few months later we met up for our little ones play date a month or so ago, still no bridesmaid offer, just a lot of asking me questions about planning etc, and other advice. And with the wedding only a couple of months away I’m certain her day invites will have been sent out a while ago already.

I feel totally betrayed and used, did she just tell me the bridesmaid story to get me to take her to see her other friend (who has been asked to be a bridesmaid). Am I unreasonable for thinking she doesn’t see me as much of a friend as I see her? Coming from a very religious family I’ve always seen evening only invites as a bit of an insult, they’re the obligatory “we don’t want you at our day but here come the evening”.

I feel It’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to ask your so called best friend with partner and child to take a day off work to travel an hour and a half away each way to the middle of nowhere and pay for a very expensive hotel room overnight and gift and fuel and drinks just to come to the evening of the wedding which she knows we’ll not be able to stay late due to the little one needing to go to bed.

What’s made it worse is she now seems to be avoiding the whole wedding conversations, in fact most conversations, If I send her a message she’ll read it straight away then either my reply at all or reply a few days later when she has a question to ask me or needs to rant to someone about work or the nursery etc. My son was in hospital earlier this week having surgery and she didn’t even message or call to ask how it went.

I’m so angry. My other half said it’s not right what she’s doing and if I don’t want to go we don’t have to. I really don’t know what to do, am I being unreasonable for thinking this, do I cut my losses, I know it’s her day and all but it still hurts.

So she was expecting you to be her bridesmaid/servant with your DS in two? She's a dick. Ghost and move in, there are far better people out there to be friends with.

You’re a doormat.

She’s been exploiting your for 3 years and your response is to beg for a wedding invite.

I think other posters are right. Drop her What a bitch.

Just get rid of her. She sounds like a cow.

Politely decline and cut your losses. She has been incredibly rude and has used you. No need for an argument or a confrontation, I guarantee it will be twisted with crocodile tears from her. I have friend similar, I reply short and to the point when she texts but I don't instigate now and make no plans to meet up.

Just don't go.
Be upset now and ride that wave and rid yourself of the emotion.
Then block her number, ignore her texts and on social media.
Don't pay to go to this woman's wedding when she isn't a true friend. She's obviously got a reason but don't let it break your heart but also don't keep putting yourself on the line for her or do anything else for her. She's mistreated you. She isn't worth it so move on and treat yourself with kindness.

Ps I've been there too you're obviously a better kind of friend that we'd all love and cherish in our lives.

I’m clearly a bitch, I’d agree to be her bridesmaid then ghost her on the day, see how she likes it!
I hate the way some folk play with others for their own ends, horrible behaviour. Your best friend is a dick

Don’t think op has “begged” for a day invite, just laid cards on the table and given bride to be last chance to exonerate herself. In real life we can’t just go NC at the drop of a hat, if you care about someone even if they’ve treated you badly you give them a chance to put things right. Having given this chance if there is no change, then walk away.

She's a Grade A CF, and outed herself as one the first time she asked you to drive her 70 miles to the other woman's house. If she won't learn to drive then it's her problem if she can't get around. (I'm assuming no medical reason she can't as none were mentioned).

Block her on everything. On the very unlikely chance she deigns to mail you a wedding invitation after all, mark it as Return to Sender and forget she even exists.

Are you in contact with the other ex bridesmaid by any chance? Any way you could find out why she's no longer involved with the CF?

Even if you want to go and she decides to ask you to be bridesmaid or invite you all for the whole day, don’t go. If you do you’re just enabling her rude behaviour. You’re wasting a day and money on someone who doesn’t value your friendship. She’s worse than a CF. Some people have such nerve!! Grrrr!

Politely decline invite, no reason, no drama, it will hurt, so arrange to do something with your partner and child that weekend, a trip away, use the money that you saved from not attending wedding. Lick your wounds and move on.

Why pn earth would you contemplate going to her wedding, if she gives you all a day invite, after she's treated you like utter shit? Do you have no self esteem?

She's lying about everything (except maybe falling out with the other friend). Nobody sends out evening invites, months before the day ones. She's already sent out the day invites, same time as the evening ones.

Ghost her. She doesn't deserve anything else, not even a reason. She didn't even care about your son's surgery. If you're thinking of still going, remember that.

I'd decline the invite, and just send a 29p card from the Card Factory, leaving the price label on the back..

As everyone else has said, DECLINE. It's hard, and it's hurtful, but I really don't see how you can accept and feel happy about it.

It is absolute rubbish that she doesn't know who her day guests will be, at best she is waiting for others to decline before deciding if she will bump you up.

It seems rather undignified to be waiting for this given everything that has happened, best to just decline now.

She sounds very selfish; take take take

I’d personally let the friendship go, because face it, it’s not a friendship. Anyway, it’ll be cheaper in the long run, Less petrol

It is an insult to your intelligence that she thinks she can fob you off so easily. She has'nt put any effort into making them plausible.
As for saying the other bridesmaid may not now be involved.. she is hoping that you will a) feel sorry for her and b) hinting that she still needs a bridesmaid without actually asking you - to get you to hope that you will still be asked to be one and will therefore still carry on doing her bidding -without any actual commitment from her.
She thinks she is mighty clever and that even now she can still bring you round and put one over you. This is what I would find most annoying about the whole thing.
Just out of interest, did she ever offer any money towards petrol for these 70 mile round trips. How many did you make? how much has it cost you? How much more will you have to spend to go to this grim wedding. If its in a few months were you even invited to the Hen do?

So she was waiting to finalise guests lists etc and yet she’d finalised them enough to know the other lady was definitely going to be a bridesmaid?

It’s bollocks. She’s scratching around for excuses to keep you dangling. She probably wasn’t expecting you to say anything to her and just come along and you’ve caught her off guard by asking and so now she’s throwing excuses out there that make her look like the victim so that you’ll feel sorry for her and back off.

If you were ever going to be bridesmaid you’d have been doing bridesmaid stuff before now.

I wouldn’t be waiting around to see what happens. If you haven’t formalised the guest list, why would you be sending out evening invites? It’s clear that she’s made her decisions and now you’ve called her on it she’s making excuses. Because she’s worried about losing her free taxi.

I wouldn’t go regardless of what she comes back with. She doesn’t sound like a friend to me.

There's always the possibility that there's a reason, like her parents or future MIL are paying for/taking over the wedding and have dictated who can be bridesmaid, husband to be dictating terms etc etc. It's not good enough but maybe she's just too embarassed to tell you and isn't handling it well. However, I think it's more likely she's been taking you for granted and if it was me I'd politely decline, wishing her loads of joy in her new life so you leave the door open to her realising she really does value you and appreciating your friendship again in future. I'd not do anything at all to spoil her special day and giver her an excuse to blame you for anything. Sounds like she's been taking you from granted and she'll probably regret losing you one day. Friendships wax and wane and maybe you will come round to being pleased that her new fella will be doing all the driving now... Whatever you do, don't get miserable about it, go out and celebrate what you have, and then, if reminded, you don't see it as a miserable day but one where you and your dearest did something lovely and special yourselves!

Your “friend” is not a friend. She’s a user and a CF. Let it go OP. In your position I wouldn’t even bother declining the invite, I just wouldn’t go.

She’s a user.

The only thing she’s finalising is who she wasn’t you to be the taxi service for.

Decline, move on.

*wants

Nope, she has used you. Decline and move on.

Do not even bother to decline. Just don't go. Don't answer her calls or texts (see how long before she even notices! ). There's nothing you can say that will turn her into a normal human being, so save your energy for people who do love you.