AIBU?? Friends wedding invites issues

[Mama2harris]

Hello all,

Sorry for the first post of mine to be a very long one but I wanted to get all the facts in, but I need to know if I’m being the bad friend here....

So I’ve known my best friend for a few years, we met at a mum group both expecting our first child and have become very close over the years.

She lives almost 50 miles away so for me to visit her it’s near on a 100mile round trip and she doesn’t drive so i always have to do the driving to see her which I didn’t mind up until now....

Last year on a number of occasions when I went to see her on our arranged play dates for the little ones she asked if we could do a 70 mile round trip from hers to take our little ones to see one of her other friends with a child the same age as ours, at the time I thought nothing of it as she’s my best friend and I’d do anything for her, she made a point of saying On each occasion that I needed to get to know this other friend because we were going to be bridesmaids together, I made the 170 mile journeys each time because it’s what she wanted and yes if we were going to be in her wedding party we needed to get along which we do,

The end of last year they finally set a date for the wedding, I was super excited for her and helped out with all the things she asked me to do, from helping find cake designs for her to match the colour scheme to sending her a list of everything she needed to plan, then she throws the bombshell at me that only myself and my son are invited to the day and my partner can only come to the evening, not ideal when it’s an hour and a half journey each way to somewhere in the middle of nowhere with nowhere for him to go and wait while me and my son attend the ceremony and meal! And to top it off, no bridesmaid status, she didn’t ask me.

I talked to my partner and he agreed as she’s my best friend and she’s probably just not gotten round to asking me officially to be a bridesmaid he’d just go for a drive on the day somewhere and sit in a coffee shop cos there’s certainly no way we’re taking two cars.

I didn’t mention anything to her as it’s her day, her decision etc but then The invitation came, it’s only for the evening for all of us, this really upset me and I asked her, she told me she hadn’t gotten around to doing the day invites yet and she’ll post it out when it’s done, a few months later we met up for our little ones play date a month or so ago, still no bridesmaid offer, just a lot of asking me questions about planning etc, and other advice. And with the wedding only a couple of months away I’m certain her day invites will have been sent out a while ago already.

I feel totally betrayed and used, did she just tell me the bridesmaid story to get me to take her to see her other friend (who has been asked to be a bridesmaid). Am I unreasonable for thinking she doesn’t see me as much of a friend as I see her? Coming from a very religious family I’ve always seen evening only invites as a bit of an insult, they’re the obligatory “we don’t want you at our day but here come the evening”.

I feel It’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to ask your so called best friend with partner and child to take a day off work to travel an hour and a half away each way to the middle of nowhere and pay for a very expensive hotel room overnight and gift and fuel and drinks just to come to the evening of the wedding which she knows we’ll not be able to stay late due to the little one needing to go to bed.

What’s made it worse is she now seems to be avoiding the whole wedding conversations, in fact most conversations, If I send her a message she’ll read it straight away then either my reply at all or reply a few days later when she has a question to ask me or needs to rant to someone about work or the nursery etc. My son was in hospital earlier this week having surgery and she didn’t even message or call to ask how it went.

I’m so angry. My other half said it’s not right what she’s doing and if I don’t want to go we don’t have to. I really don’t know what to do, am I being unreasonable for thinking this, do I cut my losses, I know it’s her day and all but it still hurts.

So if you were given a day invitation for the family you'd go? That's crazy.
She's shown that she isn't a friend, or indeed a very nice person.

The thing is op you are still hanging on. She's still trying to keep you on side in case she needs to use you further.
You should have said don't worry your little head as I'll make this easier for you...we won't be coming to your wedding, I mean party obviously as we weren't invited to your wedding.
Block her and get on with your life.

I also think that you are only on the evening list but are near the top for an upgrade if one of the day guests declines. I would normally think that you have no right to an invite but the way she had messed you around, asking for favours as your a bridesmaid then dropping you as bridesmaid changes things. I think decline the evening event, if a day invite arrives accept if you want or tell her you have now made other arrangements for that day if you don't want to go.

Op I feel really sorry for you. You thought you were best friends and you've had a kick in the face to realise that you're not as important to her as she is/was to you.

It sounds as if you've done all the work in the friendship driving here there and everywhere.

I think the excuses are a load of crap and she probably want expecting to be pulled up on it. I would say the damage to the friendship is done and moving forward you need to step back and move on.

With regards to the the wedding I wouldn't ask again and if I got a day invite through I'd decline it otherwise just leave it as you've told her you're not going.

Don't reply to any more messages etc and see what she does.

I wouldn't go. It's a lot of hassle to attend the wedding of someone who doesn't care about putting you out but doesn't put themselves out for you. I wouldn't be driving down to see her anymore either. She could always come and see you for a change but don't worry if she doesn't.

JonSlow we are (potentially) in a similar situation. Friend from high school wedding is next year. It will be around 200 miles from us (fine, that’s where she lives now) but if it was just the evening we were invited to then it’s not worth the hassle and expense (new outfit, present, minimum 2 days off work - more likely 3, hotel for 1/2 nights and 400 miles worth of fuel). As pp said upthread, evening invites are more for those who are local. I wouldn’t bother doing the travelling if nothing else just to spend 4 or so hours at a disco.

Normally, an evening invite is no insult and it's up to the person to decline (without insult) if its not practical... but what she has done OP is toy with you and lied to your face, whilst constantly asking for help and favours. She only talks about herself and doesn't even bother to ask how your little boy's surgery went. This is a very one sided friendship.
Firstly she promises that you are an important part of the wedding, a bridesmaid.. you have to give her a 70 mile taxi drive to get to know the real bridesmaid, who's post has been confirmed and was never in any doubt she was a bridesmaid. Then your partner is excluded from the day event. Then you are excluded from the day event and were clearly never going to be bridesmaid. Brides have decisions to make about guest lists and budgets but I don't think this is about that. She has lied to you repeatedly and used you for lifts and as a free wedding planner and involved you so much in the whole event.. only to cut you out bit by bit.
This is callous and selfish behaviour and I think the evening invitation is to keep you on the bench in case she needs something else. We don't know the full details but your partner has seen this and has said you don't have to go. I'd listen to him. (He sounds very supportive by the way)
I think she got away with this, because she kept doing hurtful things but knew you would be too kind, too polite to ask her directly what is going on. Its difficult to do that but I think it is a real skill that you need to develop so that you know where you are with people. Also see it as a warning flag if people muddle the waters or are unclear with you and ask them straight.. in a text if you need to. Its not rude or impolite to clarify things, but if they make you feel it is, then that is another red flag.
It is hard ending friendships that were important to you, and its hurtful that you were so kind, generous and trusting and received this treatment in return. You sound like a lovely person and will find much better friends - but at some point you have to say enough, no more and I think that point is now.

Honestly, she's just not that in to you.

You are B list. She sent out proper "all day" invites to the A list when you got your evening invite. Those will have had an RSVP date set for a few weeks before. After that RSVP date she will work out which B list people to upgrade to a full day. The "I'm too ditzy to sort out invites" line is an act to avoid admitting to you that you are B list.

Don't take offense, she can invite who she wants, but feel free to decline.

Personally think asking guests who live a long distance as evening guests only is rude. We didn’t have evening guests at all in my mind it is only just about acceptable if it’s a local group you are not particularly close to like work colleagues or neighbours.

Don't even bother replying to the invite and give it no more thought don't see her again.

Keep your distance - in the run up to the wedding she'll be needing you and your transport for all sorts and then she'll leave you with an evening invite. No thanks.

She's using you. You'll get an invite at the last minute only if someone else isn't able to go.

Don't feel obligated to hang around. If this scenario happened to a friend of yours what advice would you give them?

I think you've handled it really well OP, well done.

You've definitely been used and she has behaved atrociously!
You've messaged her and told her how you feel so the ball is in her court now.

You did the right thing by contacting her but she’s now got you hanging by a thread. Her other friend isn’t speaking to her now so she’s a bridesmaid down, there is no way she’d still be finalising then day numbers after the evening invitations had been sent out. She’s back tracking, I’d be expecting a bridesmaid invitation and a day invitation for everyone very shortly. I also know how I’d be responding. Not to over use mn phrases but I think this one is apt - when someone shows you who they are, believe them!

Tell her you’re not interested and then ignore her, she’s behaved awfully and used you for what she needs, she’s about to do it again.

Don’t be available for all the planning and lifts she’s going to need in the next couple of months. She’s a user not a friend

You have handled it well but I think must be prepared to step away. Friendships are better than this.

Think I would send the final message at this point, she is using you: Given this a fair amount of thought and you need to disregard the last message all together. Using people like this is unacceptable and I am not a back-up plan or second choice. Thank you for the invite but we will have to decline. Best wishes and hope you both have a wonderful day.

Well done for asking your friend. I find it unbelievable when she said she that she hasn't sent out the day invites, just the evening ones?! When I planned my wedding we had to finalise the day numbers first, for the meals, welcome drinks & wine (for the tables). Numbers for the evening buffet could be finalised at a later date. If you hear radio silence just assume that you're all not going and stop visiting her. If she wants you, she knows where you are.

Don't be her second choice or back up plan, you deserve better and have done so much for her where she has basically put you in a situation of feeling devalued and confused. Do not let anyone treat you like this, it is not good for your well-being or confidence. Basically imagine a rope that has been rubbed down and there is mere threads holding the rope together. It can be repaired but is it in your best interest with the treatment you have received? Cutting the final threads is just as difficult because you have valued this friendship but it will be far better and easier now to put a end to this charade. Because she is not your friend.

This is shit, you just don’t treat people you value like this! I’d decline the whole thing if I were you, this isn’t a friendship at all! A

Bollocks to that, whatever she comes back with I'd decline it.

You really don't need people like that in your life. She's no friend.

If you get an invite now it's a pity invite. I wouldn't go (and pay for it) where I'm not wanted.

Personally think asking guests who live a long distance as evening guests only is rude.

I agree.
I have no problems with the idea of separating guests into whole day guests and evening only guests, but I think a considerate host would only give evening invites to guests who live locally to the wedding venue.

And I find the idea that this woman has finalised her evening guest list before her day guest list to be completely unbelievable.
It’s more likely OP is on her “reserve” list in case some day guests decline the invite and the bride doesn’t want to admit that to OP.
Overall it looks like she doesn’t value the friendship as much as OP does.

You are her Plan B.She is keeping you hanging in case someone drops out.I would just test her and let her know you are not coming t all.Get in first before she has a chance to hurt you further.