I’ve breastfed for 15 months and I just hate it - I fee like a terrible mother

[Egguhat66]

My little boy is a thriving 15 month old. I’ve always breastfed. At first it was great. It’s free, easy, convenient and also the best thing you could give your baby. I loved the whole idea of it, but as the months passed i found it really affected my body, my back and neck always hurt and my bones ached like crazy! I would wake up at night in pain from how bad my bones felt. I started to feel drained all the time. I’ve only spent 2 nights away from my son and both times he had to be brought back early hours in the morning because he wouldn’t settle without breast. All the family have agreed they don’t want to have him overnight until he is no longer breastfeeding. I have never had a real break from him. Even when i finally get someone to have him for a few hours, he plays up really bad and the sitter usually texts me about how fussy he’s being and thats it - i cant enjoy my free time.

I absolutely love spending everyday with my son but I just want a break. He is so clingy to me. I compare him to my friends children and he seems so much more fussy. I have friends who have been on weekend holidays away from there babies and i know lots of parents that have regular nights off and i just cant help but feel slightly envious. I’d give anything to do something like that. I hate to say it but I wish I didn’t breastfeed to begin with. Don’t get me wrong - my lad is thriving and i owe it all to breastfeeding but he could have been perfectly healthy on formula just as well.

There’s just this guilt. I feel terrible. Every time i speak to anyone else that breastfeeds they seem to be having a positive experience so why am i resenting it?

It’s hard for me to deal with that no one i know wants to babysit for me. I know he is my sole responsibility but i feel really drained and i would love a little help. I can’t remember the last time i was without my son and I cant see it happening any time soon. I just feel suffocated. I feel like i want to be by myself a million miles away.

My son is 15 months. I’m not feeding a baby no more, i’m feeding a toddler which is a whole other ball game. He bites me, he scratches me, he hits, kicks, pinches and his teeth are so big that after every feed my nipple turns deep purple from where he cuts of the circulation. I dread every feed. Sometimes i wake up and cry just knowing i’ve got to get through another day.

Am I being pathetic? Am i ungrateful? What is wrong with me i just want to understand why i feel so negatively.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

You are amazing and getting to 15 months is a triumph! I’m 4 months in and beginning to get fed up, baby is ebf and sometimes I want a break. It’s ok to stop. Be kind to yourself. Maybe your body is saying it’s done enough!

I always think a baby getting teeth is mother nature’s way of saying breastfeeding is over! I fed my daughter for a year and was thrilled when she at last turned her head away. Just stop.

Do you have support from your DP?

Thanks for starting this thread, OP. It’s made me research nursing aversion

kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/breastfeeding-nursing-aversion-agitation-baa

This is me some nights! I just feel like I want DS away from me and to stop touching me and I get the absolute rage when he feeds at night! Time for me to night wean I think.

always think a baby getting teeth is mother nature’s way of saying breastfeeding is over!

Babies can be born with teeth, or get them at weeks/months old

I don’t think the “just stop” and martyr comments are very helpful tbh. I very much doubt the o/p hasn’t already thought of that, and would have stopped already.

I got told to “just stop” and martyr comments right from birth. It seems that answers to bf problems are not to help work through them, but “just stop”. And I resented that no one wanted to help me, and that “just stopping” wasn’t the easy solution. That help with my baby was conditional on stopping bf- usually for selfish reasons like “we want to give them a bottle” or gp wanting them overnight. There are other ways to help without disrupting the bf relationship.

Breastfeeding is an emotional and complicated journey, a sacrifice you make for the good of your child. You’re also depriving your child of something that soothes and comforts them, something that has been there for all of their lives, which is hard. It’s a big change.

O/p go easy on yourself. Try to find a gentle way of stopping that makes it easier on yourself and your child. If you keep going, don’t beat yourself up about that either, take it day by day.

Do what’s right for you.

It seems that answers to bf problems are not to help work through them, but “just stop”. And I resented that no one wanted to help me

I would agree if the baby was small. But he’s 15 months and the OP sounds like she’s through. ‘Just stop’ might be the reassurance she needs that it’s okay to call it a day.

Those are not normal side effects of breastfeeding. You need to request a blood test. It sounds like you are very deficient in something, maybe vitamin D. Go and see your GP ASAP.

@ethelfleda

He can get all the nutrients from other foods. The extended BF, is often done more for the mother's desire, than the child's need

I’m in agreement that the OP should stop if it is making her this miserable but please don’t say stuff like this. It isn’t true

It might not be true for you, but I've spoken to many mothers who do it for their benefit, not for the child.

So please don't tell me what to say when my experience says otherwise.

I'm not saying that is always the case.

Now this is something I don't understand for the life of me.

I’m not feeding a baby no more, i’m feeding a toddler which is a whole other ball game. He bites me, he scratches me, he hits, kicks, pinches and his teeth are so big that after every feed my nipple turns deep purple from where he cuts of the circulation. I dread every feed. Sometimes i wake up and cry just knowing i’ve got to get through another day.

Why on earth would you put yourself through this?

Surely having a happy mother, who doesn't dread breastfeeding a child that doesn't need it is a more sensible option.

I can't understand the martyrdom.

I truly think women are their own worst enemies at times.

I’m a bit baffled as to what nutritional need would be better served by breastmilk at this age, but can see that it could be meeting a comfort need. That doesn’t mean it should necessarily continue, as it is possible to provide alternative means of comfort, by way of substitute. A gradual transition is probably easiest for both parties, but only if OP can stand it. 15 months is a very good innings for bf, and the child will thrive perfectly well without it.

@Pipandmum

I always think a baby getting teeth is mother nature’s way of saying breastfeeding is over!

100%.

Once my DC got teeth and started biting I immediately stopped BF.

Said child is now 19 yo...is healthy...achieved good results in school and is now in University... I don't know what people think will happen if they stop BF when the child is well and truly on solids, getting all the nutrients they need from other foods.

It's one thing if it's not bothering you, but to continue understand the OPs circumstances is ridiculous.

Women deal with enough, without the pressure to breastfeed, when it's not working for them.

Sometimes it works very well even after the baby gets teeth.

But some babies are born with teeth or get them very young

You've done a great job and it just sounds like it's time to stop now op. Nothing at all to feel guilty about!

If your son eats 2 portions of dairy food every day (yoghurt/ porridge/ cheese) then he doesn't even need to drink milk. So don't worry about replacing the milk drinking if he won't take a bottle.

Leave him with his father for a weekend and don't be so hard on yourself. There's SO much more to parenting than breastfeeding feeding!

I fed dc1 to 12 months. Switched to a bottle of cows milk to get him to sleep, seemed simple.
Dc2 was less keen to stop so I called it quits at 13 months.
Dc3 wouldn't ever take a bottle so I thought it would be harder to stop. Stopped at 14 months as she was very toothy and I was like you, fed up. Just stopped one evening. That night she slept through and always has since. Turned out we were both ready! Good luck.

I had a similar situation with my first, does your baby use a dummy? This was a big help for me stopping BF as he was mostly doing it for comfort. The night I decided to stop I sat up and cuddled him loads and gave the dummy when he wanted to nurse and it really wasn't that bad. Did not look back. Good luck whatever you do but it sounds like you are ready to stop. You will be proud of yourself and your baby for getting through it.

You can’t just stop, and considering nhs recommends bf up to one year (exclusively for first six months and then alongside introducing foods) the comment about teeth being nature’s way of telling us to stop bf is bollocks.

Unless you’ve fed a toddler no way can you say it’s mother’s desire driving the continuation of bf.

For a start WHO says bf up to 2 years, so there is guilt right there. But I suspect this is more for children in countries with poor sanitation.

Toddlers are wilful creatures, you take their booby away you think they jus forget about it? It’s like trying to get over a dummy. Except you’re not going to cut your nipples off to give to the nipple fairy. And even if you told them you had, they can literally smell the milk.

You stop bf you immediately have to start sleep training especially if they still wake to feed. In fact I did this before I stopped bf. I got her down to one boob in the morning and one before bed. Dp had to deal with the horrendous wakings in the night and if teething we gave paracetamol for the pain.

Any biting and pulling and generally swinging of your neck, immediately plonk toddler down and say no, it hurts me.

Definitely get the bone thing checked out, if you are lacking in vitamins your body will literally strip them from yiur bones to make milk.

I think you’d be quite within your rights to end bf now, but I get it’s not easy and needs to be thought through and have support from dp. It’s kinder to have dp support yiur ds as cuddling mummy with the boobs he’s not allowed to have is very hard to do.

Even with my limited data pool of having breastfed 2 children, I realise that every child/mother breastfeeding relationship is different. My two kids were entirely different in the way they fed, how I felt about feeding them and when they weaned. Surely you’d expect that. I’m not sure that blaming all the issues you are experiencing on breastfeeding is helpful

Furthermore, blaming all the problems you are having with your health and your child on breastfeeding is probably going to be finding incorrect correlations too! There’s likely other reasons too!

That said, if you want to stop, then it’s ok to stop! You’ve fed your baby for ages, given them a brilliant start and now it’s fine to stop if you want to!

maybe recognising that breastfeeding isn’t necessarily terrible and the sole fault in this situation would be useful in order to let go of some of the negative associations to do with breastfeeding that you’ve created and enable you to move in positively, without regret and self admonishment.

maybe look at some positive things about breastfeeding, and try and move on in a positive way rather than feeling your giving up, or failing or stopping in anger.

Good luck. It’s all ok, you’ll move on and it’ll be ok! Xx don’t worry!

Please don't give him a bottle at this age. Better use a cup. And no bottle at bed. It will ruin his teeth. If you want to wean then do it but not with a bottle! I did this with D's 1 weaned at 18 months but then couldn't get rid of the bloody bottle. Got rid of it at 2 years old. Never did that again with the others. My sil did this with all 4 of hers. Ccows milk in a bottle when she finished bf but she let them have bottles and bottles a day. And night! The milk will stick to their teeth in the night and will lead to cavities. Dentist will say the same. SIL didn't listen and her 4 kids have had at least 5 fillings each. Her second youngest had to have 9 teeth out. He is 5! Older ones still having treatment and only 7 and 10. Youngest is 3 and needs 3 fillings. She still gives her the bottle of milk...

We always had a bottle at bedtime then brushed teeth. No problem.

They were falling asleep with the bottle so no tooth brushing

Stop feeling guilty, you have BF for much longer than most.
I extended BF (over, 3 years) and toward the end I began to hate it, so I told dc it was stopping and it stopped. Ditch your guilt

Please don't give him a bottle at this age. Better use a cup. And no bottle at bed. It will ruin his teeth

Your sil has bigger problems than giving bottles if the 5 year old needs 9 teeth out due to decay. That is serious neglect.

Why did you wean on to bottles if you wanted to get rid immediately anyway? 6 months isn’t a long time and isn’t not being able to get rid. 2 is a perfectly normal time to wean off milk.

I switched mine to bottles at around 18months as it was the best way to wean them off the breast without distress to all of us and maintain sleep routines. They only had one before bed.

Weaned from bottles at 2 years old with no problems. Teeth fine, no decay, no fillings, no teeth out.

My sons teeth are fine. I used a bottle to wean from breastfeeeding but he would want a bottle all the time. And it was recommended to me to not sue a bottle for too long. So we stopped but it wasnt easy. I dont understand your question about using bottles if wanting to get rid... i still wanted him to drink milk and didnt know at the time a cup would have been more appropriate for us. Hence when i found it too much we stopped the bottle it was just difficult.

And yes i know about my sil. But thats a different battle. The bottles definitley contributed though. But not the only cause

15 months is a great innings and all credit to you. Now it’s time to stop and move onto the next stage of parenthood - the one where you get to leave the house without the baby!

Excellent post, Fucket.