I’ve breastfed for 15 months and I just hate it - I fee like a terrible mother

[Egguhat66]

My little boy is a thriving 15 month old. I’ve always breastfed. At first it was great. It’s free, easy, convenient and also the best thing you could give your baby. I loved the whole idea of it, but as the months passed i found it really affected my body, my back and neck always hurt and my bones ached like crazy! I would wake up at night in pain from how bad my bones felt. I started to feel drained all the time. I’ve only spent 2 nights away from my son and both times he had to be brought back early hours in the morning because he wouldn’t settle without breast. All the family have agreed they don’t want to have him overnight until he is no longer breastfeeding. I have never had a real break from him. Even when i finally get someone to have him for a few hours, he plays up really bad and the sitter usually texts me about how fussy he’s being and thats it - i cant enjoy my free time.

I absolutely love spending everyday with my son but I just want a break. He is so clingy to me. I compare him to my friends children and he seems so much more fussy. I have friends who have been on weekend holidays away from there babies and i know lots of parents that have regular nights off and i just cant help but feel slightly envious. I’d give anything to do something like that. I hate to say it but I wish I didn’t breastfeed to begin with. Don’t get me wrong - my lad is thriving and i owe it all to breastfeeding but he could have been perfectly healthy on formula just as well.

There’s just this guilt. I feel terrible. Every time i speak to anyone else that breastfeeds they seem to be having a positive experience so why am i resenting it?

It’s hard for me to deal with that no one i know wants to babysit for me. I know he is my sole responsibility but i feel really drained and i would love a little help. I can’t remember the last time i was without my son and I cant see it happening any time soon. I just feel suffocated. I feel like i want to be by myself a million miles away.

My son is 15 months. I’m not feeding a baby no more, i’m feeding a toddler which is a whole other ball game. He bites me, he scratches me, he hits, kicks, pinches and his teeth are so big that after every feed my nipple turns deep purple from where he cuts of the circulation. I dread every feed. Sometimes i wake up and cry just knowing i’ve got to get through another day.

Am I being pathetic? Am i ungrateful? What is wrong with me i just want to understand why i feel so negatively.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

You can’t be certain the fussiness/clinginess is caused by BFing. I have four DC, all BF but all completely different personalities. It does just boil down to that sometimes...

You’re clearly no longer deriving any enjoyment from it and it sounds as though it’s affecting your MH. Aim to wean him away slowly, he no longer needs the milk. Try offering expressed milk in a beaker first if that’s an option.

You’re not pathetic. Yu Ve bf’ed for longer than most women.

And it also looks like it’s the right time for you to stop. Yu are not enjoying it anymore. Your child is thriving. I would really consider weaning him for your own sanity.

15 months is amazing but for your own good health maybe it's time to.wean him.off the breast.
I'm in awe. I managed 3.months of miserable breastfeeding with 1 less with the 2nd and even less with my 3rd.
You've done better than most people but what I HATE about breastfeeding is the guilt we are all made to feel about it. Feom the mum that opts for the bottle from day 1 to those that do it for however long.

H3s had his good start in life with all the benefits of breast milk. You can now do something for yourself and be a just as good mum in other ways. You probably will be a brighter, happier person if you remove the breast feeding pressure from yourself which will benefit you and your son in other positive ways.

You sound.miserable.

@Egguhat66 - you have done amazingly well to do it for 15 months! I fed mine for 9, 11 and 13 months and only stopped at 13 months as I felt it was a comfort thing for the child rather than them needing the nutrients. At that age they are getting a good mix of nutrients from their food so don't really need breastmilk. Plus the breast milk will be playing havoc with their teeth - OH is a dentist and says he is getting huge numbers of 3 and 4 year olds with rotting teeth because they are being breastfed at night and the sugar in the milk is doing damage. You should feel no guilt at all for stopping breastfeeding.

I stopped 2 weeks ago after a really difficult breastfeeding journey. I wanted to have others be able to settle him and I felt he was ready. It's our first wedding anniversary in a few months and as we didn't get a wedding night I wanted to be able to go away without worrying about people settling him.

I was dreading fully weaning him off boob, we'd gradually been cutting down to just the feed before bed being left. I changed his bed time routine slightly to everything being done in his bedroom(pjs story from daddy etc) wore tight fitting clothes and sat him in his bed and just read to him. Took about fifteen mins of him crying but me sat with him reading and he fell asleep on his own no boob. I was amazed. We've done this every night since and he's never reached for my boobs or seemed upset about not being offered them he just gets upset at going to sleep!

We decided it would be best if I did it as opposed to my dh and it has been fine. Ds was 15 months.

My tips are, gradually cut down, make sure he's eating well, have a snack ready for the night (alt milk or small snack) just in case dc is hungry/thirsty, get yourself mentally ready-they will cry that's ok!! Good luck

Just to say that I hear you loud and clear! My DS is nearly 17 months and I have ambivalent feelings about breastfeeding too. I think a lot of women do but they don't share them. I can get a bit of aversion from BF a large wriggly toddler and it makes me quite irritable particularly at the wrong time of the month. The main reason we still breastfeed is for the bond, because it helps calm him on nursery days/pain relief etc and because it's the only way I can get him to go to sleep at night!! You've done amazingly to get to 15 months, I always say the first 3-6 are hardest so well done for getting this far, nothing to feel guilty about as you've given your child so many benefits of immunity etc already.

Also have you been to dr to check your bloods, just in case you have a deficiency? Breastfeeding does take it out of your body particularly if your toddler is still having a lot of milk, worth checking iron and other levels and also a magnesium supplement has helped me (if you did want to carry on).

Please don't beat yourself up op, I tried to bf my first but he wouldn't latch on. I hated the thoughts of it, had not planned to breastfeed him at all but was pushed in to trying at the hospital.

The thought actually repulsed me. Instead I expressed which was a win win for both of us.

I hear you OP.

Bar a 9 month break between my two children I have been breast feeding for almost 5.5 years now

I am nearing the point now of disliking it. I'm fed up of my wardrobe being based on how easily accessible my breasts are and I'm fed up of feeling like I'm constantly feeding and I'm really fed up of having my hair roughly pulled everything he feeds - my hair is such a state these days.

It's not so easy to stop though is it? There's something at the back of my mind that says I chose this path, he gets so much comfort from it and that to cut it off just because I'm fed up is unfair. I feel like I need to make sacrifices for the wellbeing of my child and breast feeding is just one of them.

It's not rational I know, but yes, I would feel like a bad mother if I stopped.

Ditch the guilt (which is misplaced) and just stop now.

Not read whole thread.

Yes it can get far too much! It's time to stop you've done more than enough and you will still have time to train him now... Into dummy, bottle.
. Remember though YOU have trained him on breast so give him time to re train away from it..
As for regular breaks... I'm afraid most parents don't get one! That's the slog and graft of being a parent.

I’ve recently stopped feeding my 2 year old as he dropped it himself- I’m pregnant with his sister so that might of had something to do with it.

I totally get everything you are saying. And I also get that it’s not as easy to just say stop the guilt and give up. It’s hard when feeding is something they still clearly get so much comfort from, however it sounds as though you are at the stage you need to make a change. You’ve done AMAZINGLY well. There are of course so many benefits to continuing to breastfeed, however equally at this stage your little one will still thrive without it. If it’s making you this unhappy it’s no fair anymore.

If you don’t feel ready to stop quite yet you could look to actively reduce the feeds so that it’s just morning and night. By 15 months my DS generally only had this unless unwell/upset etc. He was then okay to go away overnight and didn’t look for it when I wasn’t there. That way you could get some space and set some boundaries.

If you want to just stop completely then that’s okay too and you could look at gentle weaning methods, or any other methods you’d feel would work for you guys.

I was really sad when DS gave it up, even though I was more than ready to and was planning on doing it the month after anyway. I’ve also had a really up and down BFing journey and at times absolutely detested doing it. But still I found a little sad that my little guy no longer needed me like that.

It’s okay to put yourself first now, you’ve given your little one an amazing start and they will be okay

Well, obviously you have to stop at some point. Why not now? You’ve done it for a long time and you’ve given a long list of excellent reasons for stopping in your OP - frankly I’ve never seen a better list of reasons than these:

I’m not feeding a baby no more, i’m feeding a toddler which is a whole other ball game. He bites me, he scratches me, he hits, kicks, pinches and his teeth are so big that after every feed my nipple turns deep purple from where he cuts of the circulation. I dread every feed. Sometimes i wake up and cry just knowing i’ve got to get through another day.

I stopped feeding my then 14 month old for similar reasons - she was biting so much and I was getting to dread every feed. In the end I went cold turkey and she was upset but after the first few days she was much better and two weeks in it was done! A few months later she does sometimes glare at the boobs, angry about something but I don't think she remembers being breastfeed at all.

It's a few days of pain switching them over but it's been so worth it, and you've done amazingly getting to this point.

I stopped feeding my very clingy daughter at 15 months. The first night was hard. She didn’t want the bottle. She cried. She fought to get to me. She looked at me with a hurt look in her eyes and collapsed asleep. The next night she took the bottle and was a bottle lover from there on in. It was a good time to stop. I was definitely ready. She still cuddles every night to go to sleep so it’s not like we have lost our bond. Currently feeding my just one year old and thinking I will stop about that time as well. Don’t be hard on yourself. You’ve done fab.

Another vote for just stop! You've done amazingly to feed for so long.

It sounds like the behavioural issues are separate though, stopping bf isn't going to be a magic wand. Need a strategy to deal with the behaviour, including guilt free time to yourself. It's not sustainable to have no breaks for yourself. Best of luck.

As someone who breastfed two for three years each, just stop. You are not a terrible mother, you are a person with limits, at some point you need a break, some time to yourself, some peace and quiet.

The only thing I would say is that, in my experience, a needy, clingy toddler is that way because of their character not because of the breastfeeding and you may find that the neediness and clinginess is still part of who your DS is at this moment (that does get better but it can take time. I remember at that age my DD hung off my leg ennui I tried to walk because she wanted skin to skin contact all the time - she’s 8yo now and very happy to see the back of me!).

I think time to stop, you have given him all the health benefits and if you don't stop it sounds like both of you will be worse off. Well done, I was really glad to stop after a year but always felt bad each time!

You feel this way because your body and your instincts are telling you to stop. So stop! You have done amazingly and not many breastfeeding mothers go past one year x

You've done brilliantly.
I weaned DD at 18 months and had all sorts of guilt. After a few days she could not have cared less!!
Breastfeeding is fab when it works for both of you.

I don’t understand any of this just stop.

I never breastfed even once so I don’t have any experience but if you feel this way then I’d stop. He’s 15 months, he’s eating normal food now so it’s not like he’s dependant on it anymore.
Maybe just offer boob morning/bedtime to wean him off then gradually reduce it or just stop completely if that has no adverse effects.
Would he drink milk in a cup? Maybe try one that has a straw or let him pick out a new cup in the shop. He probably will kick off as sounds like he loves it but he will only kick off for about a week then he will get used to it.

OP - I kind of know how you feel. I’m still breastfeeding my 20 month old and I’m starting to get a bit pissed off with it now. My experience isn’t as bad as yours, I don’t want to stop completely but would love to cut down! My son was attached to me for an hour and a half this morning from about half 4.
I’m exhausted. My neck and bones ache as well and I would kill for a night away. I’m going to try and just night wean first and try and cut down to 2/3 feeds a day.
Well done on breastfeeding for so long - but just stop if you’re hating it.

He can get all the nutrients from other foods. The extended BF, is often done more for the mother's desire, than the child's need

I’m in agreement that the OP should stop if it is making her this miserable but please don’t say stuff like this. It isn’t true.

Gradually wean him off the breast. It's about time, you've done brilliantly so nothing to feel guilty about.