To think DH should remember...

[leopardandspots]

That DD's seven years at primary school finishes next Tuesday.

And that he should not have arranged to go out after work with his mate?

I think you are totally right to feel angry OP. It’s about dad being a co-parent and taking responsibility for supporting your daughter emotionally and not assuming it will just all fall to you.

I'm with Yabbers - I was thinking about the future for my DCs. I hope they and any partners would know the date that their children leave on their last day of primary (even if they couldn't be around due to work).

I would be sad if either my DC or any future DiL or SiL just forgot and left the 11 year olds to it and went to the pub instead.

I think it's a lovely idea to do something with your child on the first and last days of term. Even if it's have a lovely family meal together in the evening?

I come from a bit of a broken family so something like that would have made me so happy at that age.

It's sad that your DH doesn't want to do that but you can't make him. Maybe he doesn't see the point? Or maybe you can negotiate and say 'as I did the last day of primary, you can do something on the first day of secondary'.

The last day of school has often fallen on my birthday so on some occasions I have also gone out that evening!

On the last day Is there not usually some tearful leaver assembly then some photos and everyone goes home at 1pm? If he is missing that I understand but if you mean he’s going out when DD11 is in bed in the evening I think it might be a bit U

I would be sad if either my DC or any future DiL or SiL just forgot and left the 11 year olds to it and went to the pub instead.

it would be even sadder if they push their way into their kids life who will be cringing with embarrassment.

I was thinking about the future for my DCs. I hope they and any partners would know the date that their children leave on their last day of primary (even if they couldn't be around due to work).

I must be really shit at this parenting thing. 2 of mine are adults and if you asked me what they left primary school I would have to work out the year wouldn't have a clue the day, expect near the end of June because that when schools break up!

I didn't realise it was something we should know.

Actually, I had one leave high school this year and tbh I couldn't tell you when that was either!

You know that your kids parent being away so much is not actually...good, right? My father was in the forces and missed most of my childhood. It wasn't a good thing.

My DH is in the Armed Forces and my children are now adults, one is, also in the armed forces, and guess what? They are absolutely fine and DH being away hasn't affected them at all. Unfortunately we need a defence force in this country and as such parents are going to be serving. Just because it didn't work for you, doesn't mean it doesn't work for other people. Being a parent in the armed forces, or indeed being a spouse, is incredibly difficult. You are constantly worried about missing important milestones so we don't actually need people like you with your judgy pants wrapped tightly around your neck, thank you very much.

Agree with you as well Yabbers.

I had fairly uninterested parents who decided for me which events were important and which weren't and it stung a lot to be honest. They never asked me, they just decided. I think a lot of adults forget how important things are to children that wouldn't be to adults and act accordingly. Children do what pleases their parents too, if you airily dismiss something as no big deal then they'll often pretend it isn't as well. Dd left year 6 last year and it was A Very Big Deal to all of them. These events being annoying or inconvenient or silly to you through your adult eyes doesn't change that and it probably does take the shine of it for your kids if you're like that.

I remember feeling very sad my dad wasn't there for my first day of secondary school. He was with my grandmother 'recovering' from a serious breakdown and he would have been there if he could. There was no special event, just its a big change at 11 and you want the people who love you to be there.

Processing the emotion of leaving a place you've gone to for so much of your life, saying goodbye to friends and just moving on to the next stage of your life is huge. It's not about proms or parties. Even if they want to be in their own room ignoring you, knowing they CAN come to you means something. Knowing a parent didn't care and chose to go out means something too.

I think it's important that parents have their own lives, but if you choose to have kids, you choose to make them a priority. He could go out any other day.

These events being annoying or inconvenient or silly to you through your adult eyes doesn't change that and it probably does take the shine of it for your kids if you're like that.

I remember what my kids were excited about, and that didn't involve the parents at all!

I think it's much better if they have their own things without mummy and daddy. If something is organised for the parents, then yes, you have to join in, but it shouldn't be about that.

Assemblies, plays, concerts, even sport competition and so on: they perform for or in front of a public, so their parents supporting them there is great. Having a great fun day with their friends and their teachers on the last day should stay between them. They are going to Secondary, parents do need to let go a bit!

I think it's important that parents have their own lives, but if you choose to have kids, you choose to make them a priority.

I guarantee you that at least half the kids would rather not have mummy or daddy holding their hands when they start secondary!

It's school, it's important, but let's not make it the centre of their lives either, it's not healthy.

@leopardandspots
I'm reading through the comments and I'm a bit at some of the comments!
I don't think you're coming across as batshit, unhinged, over-invested etc at all!

DH and I both work and share the responsibility where school events are concerned. When the newsletters come out with significant dates - and last day of primary school would very much be included! - we sit and work our who can attend what, and make the necessary arrangements with work. We are part of a group of friends where this is the norm, and I firmly believe that this is how it should be.

I'd be annoyed if DH just 'forgot' about one of those events to be honest.

However, it sounds like there was no actual agreement that your DH would take time off to attend?

Leaving primary school is a big deal. It's not crazy, like some posters are suggesting, to want to be there and to be part of it for your DD. It's nowhere near crazy! But I mean this kindly when I say I think you have to let this go with DH. It's maybe as simple as him just not understanding the significance of it in the same way you do.

“I'm with Yabbers - I was thinking about the future for my DCs. I hope they and any partners would know the date that their children leave on their last day of primary (even if they couldn't be around due to work).

I would be sad if either my DC or any future DiL or SiL just forgot and left the 11 year olds to it and went to the pub instead.”

So it’s entirely about how you feel and your idealised view of how things should be. Your DH views it slightly differently and you judge him for what is in essence a difference of opinion.

I doubt your daughter is arse whether you or him are there on the day and may even have a preference that you aren’t.

You want your will imposed though, and that seems to be that.

I didn't realise it was something we should know.

Is this really the majority view then? Lots of parents don't know when their child leaves primary?

What kid wants their mum OR dad at their end of school disco?! Give over!!

“I'd be annoyed if DH just 'forgot' about one of those events to be honest. ”

Why? Does he work for you or something? Are people not allowed to forget things or make mistakes?

At what point in relationships to people ever start to give each other the benefit of the doubt?

If my wife forgot something, it wouldn’t even cross my mind to be annoyed at her. It’s just something that happens. Why must always there be blame?

leopardandspots

so far your posts are all about YOU, what you think, what you feel, what you plan.

Some of us prefer to leave our kids take the lead for staff like that - and when the school doesn't even plan anything for the parents, there really is no need for such drama. Parents are not needed- unless you're the designated taxi!

The parents are running the disco - some will be there helping with music and food some won't.

It's not about being at the disco. She's fine going on her own to that. I'm also fine collecting her and hearing all about it all. It's about the fact DH didn't even know the date she leaves. It's been part of all our lives for 7 years trudging the long walk to those school gates and you'd just think he'd remember when the last day was that's all.

We are also part of a group of friends where co parenting is more the norm, and I also firmly believe that this is how it should be.

Zippyx Thu 11-Jul-19 23:41:58
YABU.

Your DD finishes primary school next Tuesday. And you want your DH to do what exactly? Just feels like you're trying to find an excuse to celebrate something - unless there's something I've missed...

Every time I think the joyless of MN can't sink any deeper...

Why are these kids going to be cringing with embarrassment at family events at school. A lot of parents will be going and probably gp's too.
They are more likely to be sad if nobody turns up or celebrates at home with them.

So because he didn’t have a date in his head at the moment you wanted, he’s guilty of not co-parenting.

I see.

Ok so it's about the date. Not about whether he will be there or not. Well I suspect he knew she would be leaving primary this month. I don't think my DH would know today exactly which day either of our DC break up but he knows it's coming. Perhaps you could have just said did you know she leaves on XXX date and then this whole thing would have been a nonevent.

I hope he doesn't hold up every single thing you ever forget or don't quite know as a symptom of something much deeper.

Some of us prefer to leave our kids take the lead for staff like that

The kids are taking the lead though? A park picnic happens for every year that Year 6 leave - the kids expect it and asked for it . They had a vote at school on what else if anything they wanted afterwards and it's a disco with a (horrid) theme they all chose.

I'm clear about my role in this. It's a background role. It's to supply food for the picnic - chat to my parent friends in the background. Take a couple of photos with her mates outside the school gates for the album. Then once she's gone home and changed and gone to the disco, be there to collect afterwards.

DHs role is to forget the date, go out after work and come home after the pub closes and we are all in bed.

@Ponoka7
Girls whose Dads are engaged in these sorts ofcthings and school/personal life achieve more and have greater self esteem

What a ridiculous pile of shite. So in your mind girls of single mums are under achievers and have low self esteem?
My youngest DD has never had her dad at a single school event as his career has taken him abroad for the majority of her life and it hasn’t bothered her at all; that’s just the way it is. Also a lot of girls do better not having their ‘dad’ in their life.
Nasty ignorant comment.

On one hand, some people - of either sex - are shite with dates. On the other, his dismissive attitude and not even checking if there was anything he needed to do or that your DD wanted him to do that day once reminded I could see as being annoying.

I think there are plenty of dads who are involved, but that many school things are viewed more as a one parent at a time situation, especially as they get older. Recently, my DD had her first Y7 parent's evening. There were about as many dads as mums there - but there weren't many couples that were both there. It's only a snapshot, obvious no way of telling beyond that, but the idea it's only mums involved with school things certainly isn't going on around here.

My DS just had his letter for college induction day (not sure if they normally do one, he's part of a GCSE-Engineering course so they're doing things a bit differently as they're younger) and it was very firm that this was a student-only event in a way that they'd obviously had issues with parents getting overly involved. We'll probably do something nice for him afterwards as this is a big step for him, but I just use calendar reminders because I'm not great with dates & married to someone who is even worse with them.