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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn’t right is it?

100 replies

HopelessRomance · 11/07/2019 15:47

I’ve been seeing someone for 3 months. Had a massive crush on him for the last 2 years so have really wanted this to work which I think is making me ignore some things which are wrong.

Positives are that he’s funny, kind and caring with his family, makes me feel happy when I’m with him.

Negatives are doesn’t text much day to day, I’d say we exchange around 10 messages a day and I only see him once a week. If I don’t text him in the morning he wouldn’t text me at all in the day. I feel like the only time he talks more to me is when he wants me to go over to his house. When I see him I usually end up going to his house and we end up in bed watching films having sex. I think we’ve only actually been out to do something 3 times since we’ve been together. I don’t mind this so much because I’m the type of person that prefers staying in to going out but does this sound like it’s just about sex for him?

I asked him to come over to mine one day last week and he said he thought he’d be too busy but would let me know if he’d be able to or not - he didn’t let me know until I ended up texting to ask why he hadn’t let me know and he said he’d got caught up with what he was doing.

He went away to stay with family for a week recently, I asked him to let me know when he’d got there - he didn’t and again didn’t text me the next day until I text him first.

Does this sound like I’m expecting too much for him to let me know he’s got there safe? I know we haven’t been together long and I might be pushing too much expecting him to be in touch with me when he’s with his family?

On the one hand I feel like I keep making excuses to myself for how he’s been with me but on the other I feel like I’m maybe being a bit needy and expecting too much at this early stage because of how I’ve felt about him before.

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 11/07/2019 15:51

It doesn't sound like a relationship, it sounds like booty calls to me. Sorry. Cut your losses and move on if you want more.

bringthethunder · 11/07/2019 15:54

Sorry OP, this doesn't sound like relationship to me. It sounds like a FWB type situation and that you guys are not on the same page. I would just phase out the texting. If he doesn't get in touch then there's your answer. People really do put in as much effort as they want to, and it sounds to me like you are doing all th grunt work and he isn't in the same place as you with it.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/07/2019 15:54

Sorry OP this isnt a relationship

2toe · 11/07/2019 15:54

I agree it sounds like a booty call not a relationship, move on, you deserve more than that in life.

Expressedways · 11/07/2019 15:55

Not wanting to do anything other than shagging in his house suggests he’s not that invested in the relationship, or he’s really lazy, or both.

I’d be tempted to invite him out, or over to yours again and then leave it and don’t go round to his. It will tell you if he actually can be bothered with making an effort.

Not sure I get the bit about texting though, 10 messages a day sounds like loads but I’ve been married for a while so I can’t really remember what’s normal for the dating phase of a relationship!

TLBftm · 11/07/2019 15:55

I’d say get rid. I once had a similar situation years ago. Turned out he was still hung up on his ex, couldn’t commit fully to me as he couldn’t let her go. He ignored me all day one day so in a fed up rage I drove to his house, to find the ex’s car on the drive... not saying your guy is doing the same, just that in my experience there’s more to it and just drop him and move on

OKBobble · 11/07/2019 15:55

When you say his family do you mean his wife and children?

Youngandfree · 11/07/2019 15:57

It’s been 3 months.... 10 texts a day is adequate! Stop being so needy...yes your expectations are too high for 3 months and have you had any sort of conversation that makes you think you are “exclusive” so to speak??

Lllot5 · 11/07/2019 15:57

Don’t text him see what happens. Ten times a day sounds a lot but I’m old so don’t know what’s average now.
Let him worry what you’re doing.

Ohyesiam · 11/07/2019 15:58

I think 10 texts a day is a lot.
But I echo the pp in saying this sounds like sex for him.

It’s hard when you’re seeing someone you’re crushing on, because they instinctively know they have the upper had and they don’t have to impress you.
Either cut your losses , or start initiating going out as your main thing.
But if you spend all your time just longing for him, I’d get out now while you’re still sane.

Yes this is the voice of bitter experience, but that experience also tells me that you WILL recover, and you CAN live without him.

Northernknickers · 11/07/2019 16:09

There's two separate things here I think...first, the texts and your expectations. I'd HATE ten texts a day, from anyone! That would feel suffocating to me (for context, I'm single currently, and wanting to date, but this still feels way too needy/clingy to me!) I would back peddle quickly if someone was displaying this amount of need this soon (ever!).

Secondly...he's just not that into you 🤷‍♀️ As others have said, you're a booty call. Recognise this for what it is, dump him, move on...and next time don't be so needy in your expectations!

Original poster
HopelessRomance · 11/07/2019 16:10

@Youngandfree yes we have talked about being exclusive. He said he wanted me to be his gf but then I just feel like he doesn’t put any effort in.

Is 10 texts a day considered a lot? I think the texting makes me feel like he’s not that bothered because we’ll talk a bit if I text him of a morning then he’ll say he’ll text me again later in the day but more than often than not doesn’t so I end up feeling like he’s not that bothered really about whether he talks to me or not. If he didn’t say he’d text again I wouldn’t be expecting it and it wouldn’t bother me.

OP posts:
UnaCorda · 11/07/2019 16:14

Of the ten texts, how many are actually "sexts"?

sheshootssheimplores · 11/07/2019 16:17

I would say you are very convenient to him.

Original poster
HopelessRomance · 11/07/2019 16:20

@UnaCorda none, they’re usually just good morning, talking about what we’re doing that day, if anything’s been going on etc.

@sheshootssheimplores that’s what I’ve been feeling like, that it’s easy for him rather than him actually wanting to spend time with me.

OP posts:
CoffeeNeeded2019 · 11/07/2019 16:21

Hi Op,

I can tell you really like him but I think you’re hassling him too much tbh!

I’m not sure who has time to message 10 times everyday & asking him to let you know he’s there safely when he goes away seems a little like you’re treating him like a child? Hmm

Having said that, you’re currently a booty call not in a relationship with this guy.

As previous posters have said, invite him to do things, if he doesn’t join in then leave it (don’t keep messaging) until he either sorts out his behaviour or things fizzle out. You deserve better! Flowers

mussolini9 · 11/07/2019 16:22

You feel texting 10 times a day "isn't much"?
TBH that sounds like an awful lot & would drive me bonkers.

On the other hand - disappointing as it is following the 2-year crush - it doesn't sound like the early wooing stages of a serious relationship. That's not nice for you to have to digest ... but at least, having 'worshipped from afar', getting closer has shown you that he's not the ideal figure you had (understandably) maybe put on a pedestal before you became intimate.

You're really not asking too much to be informed if he is going to show up or not, or that he has arrived somewhere after a journey. Sadly it looks like you are not looking for the same things - he is clearly happy with something more casual than you would like.

At least you now know where you are & can move on.
That's got to feel better than being left dangling, as the person who wants more communication & commitment, hasn't it?
Unless you can have a genuinely frank conversation where he states AND THEN ACTS as if he wants the same as you - leave yourself open to the next guy, who might be better at matching his expectations to yours.

Lweji · 11/07/2019 16:29

It depends.

How far do you live from each other?
Once a week is the whole weekend or just one night?
Do you get the feeling he is in contact with other people more than you?
Have you met his friends or family?

3 months in I'd bloody expect to be exclusive and some more commitment.

If the relationship isn't up to what you want, make it clear to him what your expectations are and be prepared to walk out.

Lweji · 11/07/2019 16:31

And it's not OLD, as you knew him for at least 2 years.

There's going slowly and there's going nowhere.

Original poster
HopelessRomance · 11/07/2019 16:32

I’m not hassleing him, I haven’t said anything to him about me expecting him to be in touch more or anything. I don’t say anything when he says he’ll text me then doesn’t because I know it’s up to him if he wants to or not, I’ve just been wondering if that was normal at the start of a relationship for it to seem like he’s not that bothered about talking to me. When I say 10 texts I mean it’s like 5 from me, 5 from him not just 10 from me expecting him to reply. I’m a bit surprised people think that is a lot when it’s at the stage of trying to get to know someone too.

I’ll back off a bit though and see if he stays in touch with me or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
HopelessRomance · 11/07/2019 16:35

@Lweji it’s just the one day, he usually spends time with his friends the other day. Yes I feel like he makes a lot more effort with them, but then I’d expect that anyway because they’ve been in his life a lot longer than I have. We live about a 25 minute drive from each other.

OP posts:
diddl · 11/07/2019 16:37

" have you had any sort of conversation that makes you think you are “exclusive” so to speak??"

I'm not sure if I'm old, old fashioned or maybe both, but I thought that after you'd been out a couple of times and or had sex then you were "dating" & obvs not seeing others.

MissDew · 11/07/2019 16:37

You feel texting 10 times a day "isn't much"?
TBH that sounds like an awful lot & would drive me bonkers.

This^

He's capitalising on your crush on him for FWB sex. He will be perfectly nice, I assume. Most blokes don't want to be thought of badly by the person they are seeing.

He's your fantasy which is why you're acting like this now he's given the go ahead for a, 'relationship.' You're maybe not his fantasy - which is why he's acting like he is.

Sometimes I've had a crush on a bloke but felt he would, 'give me what I wanted' i.e. sex but would not want a relationship. I took the hint and backed off. Usually by the time any crush I've had gets the idea I'm interested, the crush has gone stale.

TheCatThatDanced · 11/07/2019 16:38

I'd personally be extricating myself from this relationship as it is booty call territory, too many text messages (from you?) and not much time meeting up.

I'd back off like you say. Nothing wrong with ending it though,

Bluntness100 · 11/07/2019 16:39

So you go to his house once a week and shag him and that's the extent of your relationship, apart from a few texts a day?

Is that what you want from a relationship? Sounds more like a fuck buddy to me.