Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn’t right is it?

100 replies

HopelessRomance · 11/07/2019 15:47

I’ve been seeing someone for 3 months. Had a massive crush on him for the last 2 years so have really wanted this to work which I think is making me ignore some things which are wrong.

Positives are that he’s funny, kind and caring with his family, makes me feel happy when I’m with him.

Negatives are doesn’t text much day to day, I’d say we exchange around 10 messages a day and I only see him once a week. If I don’t text him in the morning he wouldn’t text me at all in the day. I feel like the only time he talks more to me is when he wants me to go over to his house. When I see him I usually end up going to his house and we end up in bed watching films having sex. I think we’ve only actually been out to do something 3 times since we’ve been together. I don’t mind this so much because I’m the type of person that prefers staying in to going out but does this sound like it’s just about sex for him?

I asked him to come over to mine one day last week and he said he thought he’d be too busy but would let me know if he’d be able to or not - he didn’t let me know until I ended up texting to ask why he hadn’t let me know and he said he’d got caught up with what he was doing.

He went away to stay with family for a week recently, I asked him to let me know when he’d got there - he didn’t and again didn’t text me the next day until I text him first.

Does this sound like I’m expecting too much for him to let me know he’s got there safe? I know we haven’t been together long and I might be pushing too much expecting him to be in touch with me when he’s with his family?

On the one hand I feel like I keep making excuses to myself for how he’s been with me but on the other I feel like I’m maybe being a bit needy and expecting too much at this early stage because of how I’ve felt about him before.

OP posts:
TheDarkPassenger · 11/07/2019 17:50

Sorry I also agree booty call Sad

Break it off and find someone who wants to see you for you not for your fanny

hellsbellsmelons · 11/07/2019 17:50

Stop texting first.
Don't agree to go to his.
Tell him you want to date properly.
If he doesn't want that then you know where you stand.
Basically you are a FWB and he just wants you for sex.

waterrat · 11/07/2019 17:54

Op I think you need to separate out the texting and phone communication from the rest of the relationship.

Not everyone enjoys texting or chatting by phone. I know a couple of male friends who are dating who tell me how much they hate having to do it.

Men tend to do much much less of that. O send my husband about ten messages for every one he sends me.

So. Putting that aside as I don't think it's relevant. Can you see if you are getting the sort of quality time and connection you want ?

Maybe pull back a bit and see how much he wants to see you. It's so hard to do when you really like someone but I think it's really important to know if they would actually make the effort

I also think you can talk honestly. You will know in your gut how he feels.

Pinkgin22 · 11/07/2019 17:59

Op it’s fine if you want to communicate this with him. Tell him you feel like you’re putting all the effort into this relationship. If he does like you, he’ll shape up. If he’s not that into you he’ll disappear, but then at least this wouldn’t have dragged on with you feeling crap eh?

tenthstreet · 11/07/2019 18:00

I would text as normal in the morning, let the conversation come to a natural end, then see if he contacts you.

Or, don't text in the morning as you normally would and see if he contacts you.

If he's in to you, you'll find out in a couple of days time.

Don't let him have all the power. But this is easier said than done.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 11/07/2019 18:01

Why on earth would he bother making any effort? You do everything.

Back right off. He’ll come to you if he’s interested. You are the one with most to loose as you had the two year crush. Make sure you have a back up plan in case it doesn’t work....get to the gym, keep going out with your friends. Basically, give him room to realise he fancies you.

wheresmymojo · 11/07/2019 18:02

I think you're looking at this the wrong way around.

You're making it all about him...what does he think? What does he want?

This should be about you....define what your expectations are. Don't invest too much in anyone who doesn't live up to them. Stop focusing him and focus on yourself....focus on things that make you happy, whatever that is.

At the moment you're all about him, keeping yourself available for him when required, focused on him. People can pick this up - you may think he has no idea but he definitely will.

Figure out how you think you should be treated and what you want and then take a big step back and invest in yourself. Either he'll step up (win) or he won't and then you know where you are (also win).

We are fed a load of misogynist crap in the dating world as women about not being able to have standards because that's 'needy' and letting men dictate the pace.

It doesn't have to be that way. You should believe you're a lovely, brilliant person that he should feel lucky to be with!

Rainonmyguitar · 11/07/2019 18:04

Negatives are doesn’t text much day to day, I’d say we exchange around 10 messages a day

How can you possibly say 10 messages a day isn't much? Isn't that loads? It's very early days, I think you need to relax a bit. By the sound of things, he's not getting a chance to text you first because you're doing it all.

NannyRed · 11/07/2019 18:04

Three months in he should still be ‘wining and dining’ you, trying hard to impress you.
You know if he is, or if he’s using you.
To be honest he doesn’t sound like he’s making any effort.

Waveysnail · 11/07/2019 18:08

What do your schedules look like with work. Could he see you more?

Sagradafamiliar · 11/07/2019 18:11

He's placated you by putting a label on it but 'actions speak louder than words'
You're just sleeping together atm.

Pinktinker · 11/07/2019 18:29

Not texting can be very normal for some people, particularly men I have found over the years. They just find it a hassle and cba with it, I wouldn’t find that concerning.

The fact you’ve barely left the house together and just have sex when you see each other is a bit of a red flag, does sound like he’s using you for sex tbh. It’s normal to have lots of sex in the beginning but also should be going on dates.

He doesn’t sound overly interested if I’m being brutally honest.

CalamityJune · 11/07/2019 19:01

He's just not that into you, sorry.

I dated a lot before I met DH and was in a lot of situations like this. The difference when I met DH and we both felt the same was stark. Yes, we did text quite a bit, but we met up a lot too; certainly every weekend and usually once through the week too, for the cinema or a dog walk or something. Also the texting became more phone calls after a couple of weeks and after a month it was clear we were in a relationship.

I used to hate it when people told me "when you know, you just know" but they really were right.

Don't waste any more of your time, OP.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 11/07/2019 19:01

There could be a hundred reasons for why he's so flakey. You need to tell him what you need from him in this relationship. If he cant provide that then you have to decide if you can accept things the way they are, or you walk away. Stop trying to guess his mind and talk to him.

Oh and I don't think 10 texts a day is much at all when you only see someone once a week.

Original poster
HopelessRomance · 11/07/2019 19:05

Thanks everyone for your advice. I’ve read through them all and will take some comments on board.

The texting confuses me a bit because I wouldn’t mind if he didn’t text again, it’s more that he says he will but then doesn’t. Like for example the other day he said he’d text later again, I replied with I was going out (which I was) so can leave it till tomorrow because it might be late, he replied with it doesn’t matter anyway I’ll still text and if you don’t reply then it doesn’t matter. But he still didn’t text so I just think why not just say leave it or don’t say you’ll text but then don’t? If it was me and I ended up being busy I’d just sent a quick text saying sorry talk tomorrow instead. It takes about 2 seconds and would show that he at least thought something of me to let me know? It just feels like he doesn’t even think about me enough to either do what he says or let me know he’s not going to.

I think I’m maybe focusing on that issue too much but like I said if I wasn’t expecting it (because he’s said it) it wouldn’t bother me as much.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 11/07/2019 19:07

At three months in you sound really needy. I’d back right off and see if he comes after you. If he doesn’t you have your answer.

WalkofShame · 11/07/2019 19:15

I think you’re overthinking the text thing. Some people are just not focussed on their phones. Seems a bit needy to me to be so fixated on it, but then again I’m old and been married 20 years, I can’t remember what it’s like!

Original poster
HopelessRomance · 11/07/2019 19:34

Ok I get I’m being too needy, I’ll back off.

I feel like it’s him that’s been pushing things forward, it was him that bought up being bf/gf, he’s wanted to talk about kids when I hadn’t even thought about that with it only being 3 months, he’s said to me he wants to be with me and wants to make sure it works out and that he doesn’t mess it up but then everything he does doesn’t show me any of that. I’m left feeling really confused by what he says and what he does being different. It must just be me being too needy with my expectations which is causing this confusion though.

OP posts:
tenthstreet · 11/07/2019 20:33

Honestly I would just try not texting first all the time and make him a bit nervous and see what happens. It'll take patience though! Which I don't have at all!

ThinkWittyThoughts · 11/07/2019 20:39

1: hey
2: hey
3: good day?
4: not bad
5: you?
6: meh. Had to work late

  1. That sucks. What're you up to tonight?
  2. Not a lot. Just made dinner and am watching some TV.
  3. I watched taskmaster last night - was hilarious. I'd recommend it.
10. Cool.

Bingo. 10 messages. Hardly obsessive clingy behaviour. Just a normal mundane exchange.

OP, please don't fall into the "over sensitive" narrative.

He said he'd do something (message you). He didn't. That's the small stuff that scratches away at relationships and ignoring it in the early days means it will become the norm. And one day, you'll explode in frustration and he'll look at you like you're insane. "What did I do?!"

You've stated a few times that he doesn't text you unless you message first. So all the onus is on you to drive this ... whatever this is. You don't sound comfortable with being the driving force. There's nothing wrong with that. Your feelings are valid.

He only wants to meet at his house. Whatever the motive booty call and laziness if you want more than that, if you want to be able to 'share the load' of travelling to each other's homes then that's valid too.

Stating your needs isn't game playing.

donquixotedelamancha · 11/07/2019 20:42

everything he does doesn’t show me any of that.

Apart from more texts (I'm another who'd find that suffocating) what do you want from him?

You want more dates/romance? Fine- you plan the next one and make clear to him that you expect a similar level of effort.

What else?

donquixotedelamancha · 11/07/2019 20:45

Stating your needs isn't game playing.

Also, this. Tell him what you need.

Original poster
HopelessRomance · 11/07/2019 21:23

Yes thank you @ThinkWittyThoughts that’s exactly what a days conversation looks like with him. That’s why I’ve been confused about being too needy in wanting more than that because I haven’t felt like that’s a lot or too much.

@donquixotedelamancha it’s not necessarily that I want more texts, like I’ve said if I wasn’t expecting it I wouldn’t be bothered. It’s that he’ll say he’ll do something and then doesn’t which makes me feel like he doesn’t really think that much of me. Even when I’ve said leave it and he’s said he’ll text still but then doesn’t it makes me feel worse than if he’d just said nothing and didn’t text because I wouldn’t be expecting him to.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 11/07/2019 21:45

It’s that he’ll say he’ll do something and then doesn’t which makes me feel like he doesn’t really think that much of me.

He clearly doesn't get how important this is to you.

YANBU to want what you want. You just need to articulate it clearly and understand that his expectations are different. If you cool it on how much you initiate texting and stop asking him to text at specific times (while being very explicit with what sort of communication and time you want from him) you'll soon tell whether he's serious or not.

Focus on quality, not quantity and don't be afraid to LTB if it's still not working.

SuzieQQQ · 11/07/2019 22:16

10 texts a day is excessive! But it’s weird he doesn’t want to see you. Maybe you are crowding him? That’s how I’d feel!